Reviews for The Lightsaber
skywalker05 chapter 5 . 3/13/2007
I find myself wondering whether Jarlina is Force-sensitive and seeing the visions as you write them or not. You never distinctly explain that, though it explains her attachment to the lightsaber.

Watch the tenses!

"Paintings from artists [artists']long dead hand [hands]—silent specters on the walls."

"He rests a gloved hand atop the display case" Why is he wearing gloves? I thought he was in bed.

Poor Devaronian! What a jerk Imp. Anyway...Good characterization, again making a round, human character of uncertain morals.

I was a little confused about this sentence: "The fool handed him the weapon first!" Does it refer to the lightsaber or the Devaronian sword?

Make a separation of some sort between the scenes with the Imperial.

"“Shall I administer the drugs yet?” [should be a paragraph break here to show change of speaker] Almaas smiles in response. “Not yet. I want to have a talk with him first.”"

"“Alright, but I strongly advise administering the drugs before, [comma not needed here] the interrogation.” "

"“ [
skywalker05 chapter 4 . 3/13/2007
This concept reminds me of 'The Rifle', where the history of the object is traced. I'd guess that 'The Red Violin' was just the same. It's an interesting thing to do if you can make it interesting (which you can).

"He looked over his shoulder and smiled [comma]his pointed teeth gleaming." Also in this sentence you switch to past tense.

"Climbing out through a hole in one of the walls, [You used a comma correctly! Good job.]he dislodges rubble and hears the boots of clone troopers."

"He spun [should be 'spins']the human woman Mathil Tannik and picks up the small Chadra-Fan, Stait [comma] who sqeals in protest."

"lightsabre" Here the last two letters are switched. Mind you, some people, especially Europeans, spell lightsaber like this, but it is not canon.

"the Chadra fan [Chandra-Fan] utters slipping in and out of basic [Basic]."

"“I’ve just eased out [our] situation a little.” "

You keep switching between present and past tense. Don't. I do like how you use past for Jarlina and present for the history of the lightsaber.

"Strike [comma] hearing the heated argument [comma]lumbers out followed by Strait. "

"I’m going back to the club [period or semicolon] at least I know what I’m dealing with there.” "

I like this chapter. While the Sith-Jedi-Padawan event was dramatic, sorta what one expects Star Wars tales to be made of, this one was more homey, emotional, realistic. You have good details in the characterizations; in the history apparent but not completely explained between the four vagrants, in random bits like the Devaronian's cane. It's excellent that you have both in this tale. Know that I am quite enjoying your fic even though I pick apart the sentences.
skywalker05 chapter 3 . 3/13/2007
"Sithlord" needn't be one word. Also: "Sithsits"; I believe that is a typo. I found fewer sentences with comma problems here; "Jarlina shrugged [comma] deciding the heat she felt existed only in her mind.", "The Sith’s lighsaber hums to life [comma] pulsing between the two enemies." "“Choose your words carefully [comma] as they will be your last.”"

So the Sith dies by walking into the Jedi's hidden lightsaber? That's cheap. I'd like to see a fight there, even a short one.

"Padawan" ought be capitalised all the time.

Interesting story. The dark and emotional atmosphere is done well in this one.
skywalker05 chapter 2 . 3/12/2007
Very interesting. The design of the Sith is cool-also gross, a "good baddie".

Here, separate the dialogue if it is the master who is saying it.- "There is a lull in the fighting and the boy, barely ten years old runs to his master clinging to the folds of his robes. “I told you to stay on the ship. It’s too dangerous here. You must hide.” "

"A young boy cries out in fear [comma]hiding behind a craggy rock as he watches his master deflecting blast after blast from attack droids [comma]each one drawing him closer to the real enemy—A [the "A" does not need to be capitalized] Sith."

Good, fun martial arts-y fight.

"The saber falls from his hand [comma]deactivating upon impact."

"The Padawan runs to the ship[comma] vowing to recover his fallen master’s blade." Powerful ending. Vows of righteous revenge are always good.
skywalker05 chapter 1 . 3/12/2007
Your prose is good. The HTML, apparently, is fixed. Now we move on to proper grammar.

You have a recurring lack of commas. Look: "She set the vessel aside [insert comma here] breathing deeply the filtered air scented faintly of dust and disinfectants.". In other places the rhythm of sentences would be better with a comma, I think; try "her brush darted over delicate etched designs [comma] cleaning the dust of ages from the vessel’s crimson surface.

"it’s history and name restored"- "it's" should be 'its'.

Your details are very well written, very realistic.

"Her heels clicked rhythmically {insert comma here] echoing in the cavernous room..." "She rolled her eyes [comma] making a mental note to fire her intern." "She began to remove the lab coat and paused [comma]casting another glance at the container." I'm nitpicking (not only because lack of commas is annoying) because it seems you are a fine writer otherwise.

Jarlina is realistic; not entirely good, not entirely bad, and you show the reader aspects of her in a short time. The details, as I said, of both technology and sense of touch make the story feel real. Nice cliffhanger.
Just Jill chapter 4 . 10/25/2005
Interesting way of doing thing. Very interesting. Can't wait to see what else you do.
Loke Groundrunner chapter 4 . 10/23/2005
Excellent, it reads just like an edition of the Expanded Universe. *Puts The Lightsaber into favorites*
PraiseDivineMercy chapter 4 . 10/22/2005
Very well-written and executed. Have you by chance seen a movie called "The Red Violin"? This work could almost be called the Star Wars version of that film.
DarthGladiator45 chapter 4 . 10/22/2005
I'm intrigued . . .
Dante-Raven chapter 3 . 10/22/2005
Intriguing. You've peaked my interest and I hope to see more updates in the future. Keep it up.
Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf chapter 2 . 10/22/2005
Wow, intriguing. Very nicely done and a good sense of mystery. Will be waiting for the next installment with anticipation.
Tylec Asroc chapter 1 . 10/21/2005
ARRGH! You have the most enticing summary, but no one's going to read this until you fix your html.