|Reviews for LONG LOST SECRETS FOUND|
| 06200 chapter 1 . 11/5/2006
| burning marshmallow chapter 1 . 12/19/2005
Sorry to tell you this, but this is a classic Mary Sue. As I see another reviewer has already informed you of the reasons why this is, I wish to offer some humble suggestions for improvement (unless you have written this to be a Mary Sue, then you should ignore me).
1. You have started things off too fast. I have been reading fanfics for many a year now, and one great problem that repeats itself over and over is that writers jump into the plot points too quickly. I suggest you write a few extraneous scenes and dialogue to DEVELOP YOUR CHARACTER.
2. I repeat this YOUR CHARACTER. Make shure you show us Alexa's personality, not just tell us. For example, the Malfoy mini-scene was good, but it happened too fast. I actually had to read it over again, 'cause I blinked and missed half of it. Don't forget to make Alexa believable, too (remember, flawlessness is the defining characteristic of a Sue)
In short, slow down and develop! the little things count!
Hope this was not too flamey
Because you had the sorting had say that Alexa could belong in all four houses, I expect to see all the characteristics (cunning/ambition, intelligence/logic, steadfasness/diligence, and bravery/loyalty)in her! You don't get out of a plot device that easily!
Do you mind if I keep critiquing your fic?
Hmm...Harry and Alexa knew eachother before the Potters were killed, right? That makes them childhood playmates or siblings.
| calamityroo chapter 1 . 11/14/2005
This is really cool. I like Alexa's character so far. Very mysterious. Can't wait to read more!
| Southern Gaelic chapter 1 . 11/14/2005
The thing is, Alexa is a Mary Sue, for the following reasons.
1) She's an exchange student. Hogwarts doesn't have exchange students. Maybe have her be a transfer, from Durmstrang (sp...)?
2) Her uber magic. That kind of magic should not be allowed, especially where a student is concerned.
3) The Sorting Hat thing. The Hat is NEVER stumped for sorting a student. The only exception is Harry, because the whole series is about him!
It's a well written story, but riddled with cliches, I'm afraid.