|Reviews for First Catch|
| Legolas4eva chapter 2 . 4/8/2009
please update soon. im looking forward to reading more
| thrnbrooke chapter 2 . 4/2/2009
| denjia chapter 2 . 11/15/2008
| AngelCatReena123 chapter 2 . 6/17/2007
That was such a great story and if you don't write more chapters A.S.A.P I will hunt you down and feed you to a hungry pack of wolves MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
| Kireania chapter 2 . 9/27/2006
update soon please
| Katsy17 chapter 2 . 8/28/2006
| killedbychocolate chapter 2 . 4/18/2006
o how cute harry and draco are together...cyte fic
| Solar Fox chapter 2 . 12/22/2005
You fell out of person towards the end. Ilike it though.
| deppforever07 chapter 2 . 12/18/2005
Hm... Okay. I don't mean to criticize but you need to set the scene, you know? Add more details about what's going on instead of just having it be dialogue. Also I noticed that towards the end you switched between first and third person. Minor, but still there. I like these plots, of Harry or Draco being Veela and the other being their mate but I think there could have been more emotion about the whole finding-out thing.
| Devils Mime chapter 2 . 12/16/2005
this is wonderful so far! i love it!
i hope you update soon!
| olupotter18 chapter 2 . 12/13/2005
woah this was goiung real fast but cant wait 4 more bye shola!
| Lubbleeone chapter 2 . 12/8/2005
heehehe...veelafics are just so great!
| OrionLuckyStar chapter 2 . 12/6/2005
... lol... this makes ab solutly no sense... but i like it anyways...
by the by i wouldnt bother with the
thing... for who ever talkes first ad something like...
and then for whoever responds you can go
(draco/harry) said/ responded/ commented/ quipped/ stated/ questioned (any of those would work)
| Eryn Galen chapter 2 . 12/6/2005
I've just read your fic and I felt I had to say a few things! (It's not all bad don't worry!)
Now usually I don't do this, because ... well, I'm rubbish at almost everything to do with writing! (First draft of any of my fiction would give anyone a heart-attack)
1. This fic is actually very interesting to read, and as a avid lover of Veela!Draco stories I felt that even though your fic is interesting and seems to have enough originaltiy, grammer and layout definatly has room for improvement!
2. For one thing, and this really annoyed me, was the way you just put a letter and then what that letter says. That's literally a script and I have learned from experiance that scripts don't go down very well with readers and reviewers. It is also a obvious sign of lazyness ... if the author is too lazy to write proper dialogue and actually have sentences so it is clear who's speaking, then readers just won't bother. I mean, would you want to read a fic that looks like something you sstudy for your school play.
3. Now while I'm on dialogue, you have also done the complete opposite from the script form and the reader is forced to read these paragraphs with the characters' whole coversations bunched up together. It makes it really hard to tell who's talking and is also very annoying. Basic rule for direct speech is each sentence has it's own line. So something like this paragraph taken from your own work:
"Then Draco gets up and kisses me. But not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. His soft lips crashed upon mine. His tongue explored my mouth. But then we parted. “:Don’t want to get too far, do we now?” He said. “Yea” I said. “And Harry” he said, “stay away from Finnegan” he added. “Why” I said. “Because he’s trying to seduce you.” Draco said. “How do know” I asked. How could I not know? Everybody knows.” Draco said. “Well, I know he’s been after me. But I’ve been trying to avoid the thought.” I said. “Well, if he ever tries to touch you, I’ll break everyone of those bloody Irish fingers.” Draco said with an evil grin on his face. “Well I’m going to go now, ok?” I said."
Can very esily be presented like this:
Then Draco gets up and kisses me. But not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. His soft lips crashed upon mine. His tongue explored my mouth. But then we parted.
“:Don’t want to get too far, do we now?” He said.
“Yea” I said.
“And Harry” he said, “stay away from Finnegan” he added.
“Why” I said.
“Because he’s trying to seduce you.” Draco said.
“How do know” I asked.
"How could I not know? Everybody knows.” Draco said.
“Well, I know he’s been after me. But I’ve been trying to avoid the thought.” I said.
“Well, if he ever tries to touch you, I’ll break everyone of those bloody Irish fingers.” Draco said with an evil grin on his face.
“Well I’m going to go now, ok?” I said.
It's much eaier to make out who's talking and is sticking to the rules of the english language.
Now I know it's fanfiction land and anything can go really, but the rules of the language should still be respected.
3. Grammer aside, I also noticed the excessive use of the word 'said', sure said can be used a lot, and is encouraged, but the overuse of the word 'said' can give someone a headache! Taking that same paragraph above, said is used every time someone talks, excpet for only this one time when you used 'added' instead of 'said'. You can have so much emotion and description when using a word other than 'said' and it would also make nthe fic look so much better and would paint a more vivid and realistic picture of the character's conversation!
No emotion or feeling behind those three examples. On the other hand:
Are literally the same as the three examples before, only there's much more emoition involved and the reader also gets a better insight into the character's feelings.
4. As I said already, I love a good Veela!Fic and who doesn't? The only realy thing I can find wrong plot-wise, is the fact that Harry has already accepted that He was Draco's mate and goes with it as if they were lovers about to get married. These two were enemies for six year! They're not going to go:
"Oh Im a veela and you're my mate."
there's going to be conflict and there's going to be all sort of emotions, but I don't think Draco saying 'Love you' in the second chapter is a very valid emotion with the ship you're talking about. In fact, most well written Veela!fics have that part a good 20 chapters in!
Ok, I've finished. You're probably thinking, feck off bitch, at the moment, and I dan't blame you! This very long and probably boring review which makes me sound like a 60 year old school teacher might really help you in your writing abilities. You don't say whether this is your first fic or not, and there's nothing on your profile to indicate any different, so even if this isn't your first go at a fic, It is so obvious that your are a newbie!
Sorry about all the nasty thing I said, and believe it of not, this isn't a flame, it's constructive criticism! I may be young, but I've been a good five years writing fanfiction now, and have gotten a lot of constructive criticism ... use it to your advantage and you will get much, much better in your writing ability.
Oh, and ignore Cassie Claier's review ... this fic is much better than hers! (I mean, have you read the summery!)
So, thanks for reading this (Which I hope you did) and even though this is a very long review, I hope it helps.
And if you ever need help, I will more than gladly help, and if you want, I will even beta for you.
Any questions, or anything you would like to say back, no matter how nasty, feel free to email me or contact me in some other way. And if you would like me to beta for you, just tell me! My email address is on my profile.
So in an ending note:
Good job anyhow!