Chapter 19

They had some things to discuss and he wasn't going to let her verbally evade him today.

[He seemed to fold like a whithered willow last time – Zuko’s characterization on this is a little spotty, and while some situations make sense, others seem to try to hand-wave it by relating it to his uncle (whom he also was confrontational with)]

I'm not leaving Appa

[“I’m]

she asked … "I'm not leaving."

[Source Mixing]

Has he always been a Navy man, or does he have some Army experience as well?" Zuko didn't know the answer to that one

[Actually, he should know that Zhao does have experience commanding troops on land – there also doesn’t appear to be as much separation between naval and ground-pounders as there is in modern times, which is also more accurate to the less technologically-separated past the Avatar series is based on]

Chapter 20

I've no great desire to taint my land with blood."

[Doing so would also add bloodlust to their reasons to come back, humiliation of being defeated without deaths (even necessarily drastic injury) would send them packing]

what if his men don't want him back?"

"With him alive, they'll have to act as if they do or risk his wrath later."

[Funny and probably true]

enjoying herself way, way too much."

[much?”]

Katara is cooking

[“Katara]

Zuko crowed triumphantly. "It's no

[Source Mixing]

Chapter 21

The man shrank from the Admiral's glare. "What do you mean, gone?"

[Source Mixing]

Chapter 22

the muddy hillside, now found

[Superfluous comma]

Anko made a gesture with her hand.

She flipped the fire benders the Iberian Finger? She clasped her own neck? Just “gesture” is far too vague. What about a sweeping motion out, closing a loose fist as she brought her had back in? Something like that?]

"General Anko, the honor is mine.

[Because just making her a powerful earthbender isn’t enough…from farmer to _general_? No matter how skilled, unless she was bloodthirsty enough to cut down her own superiors (or sycophant to kiss up to the right lords) I can’t think of a time in history when anything like a farmer rose to the ranks of anything above a captain. Some people might try to point to Hashiba Hideyoshi, but he’d been born among the rank and file of the shogunate and was helped significantly by Matsushita Yukitsuna before being taken in by the Oda clan themselves. If Anko had been a captain, maybe even a step above that (though I can’t think of a Chinese example to fit), that would make sense and wouldn’t be trying to even temporarily place her into a politically awkward position. A general is where the leadership moves away from troops and fighting and into politics and social influence]

Freed from her incapacitating bend, Anko grinned.

[No signs of sweat or heavy breathing despite the solitary “sheen of sweat” you alluded to earlier, which was the only sign of weakness besides immobility (which, for essentially distance-fighting, is a paltry weakness)]

He giggled a little as he ran.

[Zuko? Is he having a nervous breakdown?]

Chapter 23

the load they beared

[bore]

She then streamed the water back into her canteen. It took longer to do it that way,

[Then why doesn’t she just keep the water between her hands between active whips, she could do so with only partial concentration even before reaching the north pole (which this story takes place after)]

Zuko coughed and sucked in lungfuls of life-giving air.

[I think life-giving is too much for just a couple of seconds from an ordinary human. It’s not like he was given a bear-hug by Mobile Infantry in full exo-suit powered armor]

How am I responsible for the Avatar's lemur!

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Chapter 25

had made a near miraculous recovery

[Is ‘near’ necessary, whether or not unexpected?]

frowning in thought. He met her eyes

[Source Mixing]

I’m impressed at the depth of the characters that you built, the only concerns I had was with Anko – the time she spotted Zuko through her feet when canon seemed pretty clear (even though I don’t believe it was explicit) that Toph’s ability was unusual and most likely due entirely to her blindness (normal folk would just use good eyes and only elite soldiers might be trained in it if it’s more widespread); the other concern was making her a general – that’s a level even the conniving and ambitious Zhao never reached, and it’s pretty certain he started out from a House higher than agricultural tenders. Either of these things is pretty minor, I think that Anko would work extremely well as an elite captain rather than superpowered general (she could even still have that vibration sense, though I think that toning it down would help present her as a little less overdone). Given that those two things are the only issues I have when you’re repeatedly portraying varied canon cast in continually unusual situations and you hit those extremely well, I think that your story was very well constructed.

as he too spotted the flashing

[I think the archer had seen it for a while, no “too” necessary]

"This time Avatar

[time,]

took a deep breathe,

[breath]

Chapter 2

The Admiral had no choice but to bow stiffly

[Yes he does, he’s an active, ranking member of the military. Iroh, while the Fire Lord’s brother, is retired and any prestige he may have claimed by being Ozai’s brother was significantly reduced by his self-imposed exile with Zuko (what little he has is probably from his own command of the Fire Nation up until the siege of Ba Sing Se, with that then hampering his prestige)]

his own ship. As if I don't

[Missing inverted comma before “As”]

You have my word, Prince Zuko." Zuko nodded

[Source Mixing – most of your paragraphs are separated well enough to define who’s doing/saying what, but in this area of the chapter I think there’s some mixing and it muddles the who/what clarity]

Iroh said softly. "Uncle" Zuko

[Source Mixing]

Chapter 3

as her eyes, already narrowed from years of working in the sun squinted further.

[Eyes may appear squinted from body structure, birth defects, or serious injury. They don’t take on a permanently narrowed state as a result of being outdoors]

He just sat, hugging his knees to his chest and resting his chin on top; he sat and stared.

[Repetition: I think combining the segments would help the flow]

He let his thought grow blank

[thoughts]

All right, I'll bite. Who's this "he"

[She just saw him, and a couple paragraphs above she tells us she already knows who he’s talking about. Why’s she asking now as if she doesn’t know?]

Can't be much older than sixteen or seventeen,

[Zuko’s more likely seventeen to twenty, but either way most cultures would still classify him as a boy]

Twelve silvers is a fair offer

[Missing opening quite marks]

Chapter 4

just go home?" Home? Zuko thought

[Source Mixing]

A long thin pole flashed out of nowhere,

[This made me think of a disembodied staff, but Sun Wukong’s not here and he’s the only Chinese folk tale hero who’s remotely controlled a staff-type weapon]

Using her foot, she pushed the knife off the dock.

[I’m half surprised she didn’t kick him off and take the knife for herself]

coming form the water

[from]

from the darkness into the false light cast by the lanterns;

[How would the light be false? Isn’t it either there or not?]

Deliberately she picked one, a man whose face she vaguely recognized and walked directly towards him.

[Assertive, subtle, and effective. Well played]

Chapter 5

Max was covered in sweat from their hasty journey home.

[But you said he slowed down from what description implied was just a quick trot to start with, so the mule should be no more sweaty than normal. I also think it’s odd for a perissodactyla to be described as ‘covered in sweat’, because I don’t believe they have sweat glands across most of their bodies. He’d definitely have his mouth open and might be panting heavily/raggedly]

Listen Katara, I've been thinking…"

"Did it hurt?"

[Why does this remind me of Pinky and the Brain? Funny either way]

us taking a break.

[break.”]

where arrow after arrow had hit the exact same spot.

[Realistically they’d have hit varying nearby points, but unless those were within centimeters it’s likely that they’d have closed up by now (days later). If not, Appa would have gangrene if not developing sepsis. That would mean he’d be dying or would be looking forward to life as a cripple; I can understand the first day, but if it’s still bleeding after hours Katara and Appa both should know something’s wrong and Sokka should have the wherewithal to say “hey, things are looking really bad now, let’s hunker down and focus on this first”]

Chapter 7

by working long efficient hours

[long,]

Misha scrambled after, poofy tail held high in a happy question mark shape.

[This reminds me very much of a cat I used to have]

your head hurt you, boy

[I understand that she doesn’t know his name, but there’s starting to be too much repetition of “boy” in her dialog of this paragraph. Particularly as it doesn’t really NEED to be stated in any of the times]

lack of use. Anko sat down

[Source mixing]

Uncle seeing him this

[like this]

I'm sixteen years old;

[I’m fairly sure he’s at least 17, but I don’t suppose it’s an extremely important thing. We still don’t know precisely how old Anko is either]

Chapter 8

towel got shoved into the belly of her stove

[If it’s her best towel, why wouldn’t she try to clean it up? There’s a vast difference between dirty and fully ruined, particularly for people who can’t just buy new ones easily]

let him think that she was simply a better cleaner than him.

[Or notice that the grain of the stone is different, among other indicators]

Chapter 9

It was only a ten ton tackle, that's all.

[Reminds me of Stargate SG1: “Oh, it’s only a deep, bleeding gash”]

we need help."

With a grunt, Anko

[There’s an abrupt scene transition without a clear indicator here]

leaving only the longish tail of hair at the back of his head.

[I wonder why he’d return to his old style (I believe it’s properly called a queue, judging by the Mandarin Chinese influence on the Fire Nation)]

He had burned his own bed; what was he, two?

[That’s an extremely strange allusion. Rather comic, though, in a quirky and faintly dark sense]

Are you alright?" Footsteps approached

[Source Mixing]

it's all in your head

[I could understand her trying to calm him down, but her following explanation makes it sound like she’s intimately acquainted with how firebending works (particularly when things are going wrong). How would an earthbender know that?]

Chapter 10

she greeted. Completely out of his element

[Source Mixing]

your "mission of mercy?"

[‘mission of mercy’?” (depending on your punctuation preferences, the closing inverted comma might place outside the question mark]

and I get lunch on the table."

[While the plan is a statement, it’s invitational and therefore a question. Yet missing its mark]

"Anko…" Saki gave

[Source Mixing]

Chapter 11

Time and treatment had faded the scar into obscurity, but it would always stand out to her.

[Very true to scars that carry any emotional significance at all]

foxcat in happy three- legged pursuit

[three-legged? I’m not sure if there was supposed to be some other adjective in there or not]

who we are." "Earthbending,

[Why the dialog punctuation break?]

granddaughter as well."

[Is this an exclamation or interrogative? I think it’s one or the other, but lacks the punctuation of either]

Zuko had actually only been fishing a couple of time.

[actually only fished a couple of times]

Chapter 12

She had been watching him too.

[She’d been watching for a while?]

Mere words were no longer enough to convey their anger.

[And yet here they are, telling instead of showing…]

"Fine," he muttered

[What’s Zuko’s dialog doing in Anko’s paragraph? Don’t Source Mix]

Chapter 13

It's the worms that'll do the eating."

[I thought that a lot more work had to be done before maggots could be applied (so the infection wouldn’t outpace what they can eat), but I suppose this is as close as can be reasonably done in such hasty circumstances]

Chapter 14

If you think that was bad, you should see leeches in action."

[Leeches may have been used for centuries in folk medicine, but it’s effectiveness at anything but bloodletting is iffy at best (the only verified use I can think of is restoring circulation to grafted/reattached limbs or digits)]

in the river." "Come on

[This is all spoken by Anko, what’s with the brief split in dialog marks?]

Zuko wasn't always sure what was right

[“always” seems unnecessary]

until after Sosen's comet arrived

[Sozen’s]

She had recognized the Agni Kai scar for what it was almost immediately.

[An Agni Kai is just a formal fight between fire benders, there’s no definite scar to mark a loss – that was just Ozai’s particular cruelty]

Chapter 15

gathered up the supplied she needed

[supplies]

"Appa hasn't woke up at all.

[This sentence looks a little awkward]

Chapter 16

With in seconds,

[Within]

And everyday they spent

[“every day” – the spacing changes the meaning enough to be important]

and as a younger sibling; she knew ways to seriously annoy someone without actually doing anything.

[Funny, but there’s separation issues caused by the punctuation: there’s nothing prior to “and” (which starts a new idea) and the semicolon is too strong a separator to link the continuous thought about what she learned being a sibling]

You are right about one thing; we

[thing:]

were wrong to worry. As long as the Avatar has allies like you, he'll never be a threat to us!"

[Zing]

to watch her icy prison crack

[You mean _his_?]

Chapter 17

I need to get away from…"

" People? Sorry, but the world is pretty well populated with them."

[Points 1]

Chapter 18

what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

[The idiots who say this have never met an amputee victim. Or come across Malaria, or Polio. Or the psychological devastation of people like Genie who were locked away from humanity]

"Did you ever wonder why earthbenders go bare foot?"

[I thought this was a little cheap: while it’s possible that a few others might be able to sense through Earth, canon seemed fairly clear that Toph was unique in doing so because not only was it bloody difficult, she only had the inclination because of her lack of sight. Anko has no such disability. While she might have a minor form of this ability, I think that trying to imply she knew he was there the entire time was a bit much – if she even CAN do this, it should have to be something she has to concentrate on]

Anko asked… "You're infuriating," he muttered

[Source Mixing]

Great work. I found myself lacking sleep because of this but the story was not a dispointment. Your original characters were fun and used well in develping Zuko's character. And I liked how you pulled it all together in the end: everything wasn't just a accident. I had forgotten all about Momo so I could tell you thought ahead on that.

Also, I just love Uncle and Zuko bonding! So thanks for that. :)

Hm, interesting.

Someone has written a similar fic where Zhao captures the Avatar AND Zuko as the Blue Spirit and they are both taken back to the Fire Nation. I think it's called Flight of the Phoenix.

This is a wonderful story, and Anko is such a wonderfully fleshed out character. Loved the plot twists in the end - Iroh really would do anything for Zuko, wouldn't he? And behind that lazy-portly-Pai Sho obsessed facade, he's really intelligent - just what you would expect from a former General.

Really pretty please a sequel?

It seems like things have gone full circle and Zuko is back where he started... but not quite. His time with Anko has taught him some things about himself and gotten him to question things he has known all his life. I think this interlude would fit well within the tv series to explain how Zuko begins to show a softer side and eventually become friends with Aang and the others. Bravo!

What I really like about this chapter is that both sides are showing good tactical sense. Zhao may be arrogant but he isn't an idiot. And you ended the chapter on quite a cliffhanger there! Iroh to the rescue!

It has never occurred to me that earthbending could make one an extremely good cleaner. Very clever. And I liked that Zuko tried to do something nice for Anko.

Now this is an awesome beginning to a story. Zuko's despair was so strong and it hurts to read about him being so crushed. You write Iroh so well. He can be unyielding and comforting when necessary. I'm a little worried about his promise to Zuko. I can picture the guy waiting for an uncle who will never return. I know that Iroh would never let it come to that but it's still a sad image. Great job so far!

This was super good. Loved your Zuko. Thanks for writing and posting this story.

Wow! You writted this story almost three years ago! I found it and I must say that is very good. I like how you insert a sideway story in the Avatar universe. Only I'll like to see more interaction among Zuko with the water boys, but that wasn't the idea so, it's ok. The best part was your OC. Anko was an amazing character, you did an excellent work with her because is totally complete, she has a past, a present, and ideology, everything! Love it!

It is taking all of my self-control not to sit here typing "sequel sequel sequel" all in caps with multiple exclamation marks on the end. I am slightly mollified to see that there is a prequel, however, and I will have to go and read it as soon as I'm done with this review.

I really liked Anko, and I think you did a great job of making a powerful OC who was not flat or unappealing. The other characters were equally well-written (or perhaps more so, since keeping characters in character is often difficult). Zuko in particular was excellent, as you kept him interesting and likeable without trying to white-wash him. Additionally, the battle between Zhao and Anko's teenagers was great - they put up a good fight, but in the end they are simply three teenagers, and I was glad to see that you kept it realistic AND gave them plenty of opportunities to be awesome. :)

I'd be absolutely overjoyed to see a sequel to this some day, but I agree: it stands alone perfectly well.

Wow! This story is amazingly well written. I enjoyed it immensely and wanted to let you know. Anko is very, very cool and I LOVE that she turned out to be a general as well. She and Iroh were awesome together. Thank you so much for sharing this story with us!

Dear God, that was such a brilliant story!

You tied up all the loose ends and the writing was just superb! It was so refreshing to see an independant plotline from Season One, instead of the usual crap about finding Ursa/more Air Benders etc.

Usually, it's difficult for people to write decent original characters. They usually end up being really unconvincing or cheesy, but the idea for Anko was just brilliant!

You kept her in character the entire time and the plot twists were so suspenseful, but informative at the same time. Character development was honestly the best I've seen in a long time.

It's just a shame that Zuko ended up back at square one.

Ah well. We all know that he turns to the good side in the end anyway.

This fic was brilliant. End of story - absolutely brilliant!

I read it right through. I honestly was astounded to see that this was your first fan fic.

Thank you so much for giving me some peace from my mediocre, boring tedious life for a few hours. This is hands down one of the best original fics I've ever read.

Congrats again on the wonderful work. This fic was truly epic!

OMFG! IROH'S BACK! YEAH!

Wow, the Omashu Fox? I really didn't see that one coming! That is, however, a freakin awesome idea. I'm assuming Iroh would know her from the seige on Ba Sing Se where she came to aid them from Omashu?

Maybe they made friends? Or...something else lol.

Gah! So many theories, so little answers!

And the Golem idea - wow! What genius!

I would never have thought of that! I'm pretty uninventive when it comes to writing bending battle scenes, but that was just pure brilliance!

When I first read Golem, I assumed that it was going to be a large spinning boulder, that Anko sent down the hill or something.

Boy, was yours one hell of a lot better!

Does that woman EVER do anything normal? :P

Gah, the suspense is friggin killing me!