|Reviews for Fairy Tale|
| Nessarie chapter 2 . 2/28/2006
OH! LOVE IT! I can't wait for more! UPDATE AGAIN SOON! REPUNZEL! :-D
| Cosmotastic chapter 2 . 2/28/2006
Great story! one of the first ive read were their actually in character. Lookin forward for ur update!
| Nostalgic Pirate.yeah chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
The idea for this story is interesting, though I have already seen it done before on fanfiction. I've never heard of "The Griffon", is it real, or something you made up for purposes of the story? I'm assuming it's real.
You need to work a bit more on characterization. Your Sam seriously has anger management issues. Perhaps toning down the lashing out and yelling would be appropriate. On the show, she is rebellious and assertive, but not really angry.
Danny also could be improved. Although I suppose it could be argued that he would make "Phil" throw Dash to the ground, I don't think he'd be so immature and careless. What I mean by this is that Danny wouldn't say, "You CAN'T honestly say that isn't funny! HE MAKES A NOISE!" Danny is fourteen, and I know guys aren't the most mature at this age, (My little brother is fourteen, I should know.) but Danny's actions and dialogue here are more likely to be seen in a nine-year-old.
I hope this review helps. The main thing that was bothering me was Sam's tendency to get infuriated often.
| I am Lu chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
OMG! You updated! SQUE! Hey is there gonna be DS? If so, when?
| Frimmy chapter 1 . 2/27/2006
kk, i wrote you a huge review, like actually four pages long on word, and MY COMPUTER DELETED IT!
it was basically me being bored and nit-picking..everything. i wrote every mostake and typo i could find, it was amazing. (your story and my perseverance, not the amount of errors i found)
anyways, i'd love to be your beta, if you're still looking. one day i'll chuck this stupid lap top out the wondow and write out that review again, but until then, me loves. i died laughing when i read that NAACK! part.
you made my afternoon
lemme know about the beta thing.
| Frimmy chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
YES, IT IS I, THE ALL ENCOMPASING MAGNIFICENT FRIMM!
okay..so i read the chapter, thought i reviewed, but aparently didn't. my apologies dear spiffy.
anyhoo, i'm bored, and it's late so guess what?
that's right...a GRAMMER AND SPELLING SPREE! WHE!
yup. i'm gonna comb through and tell you exactly where you typoed. cause i have no life. just kidding, i have a life, it's just, it's not exactly in motion au moment (10:00 pm). so yeah
third paragraph: "Because the museums are mediocre... etc."
i'd change that to: "The museums are mediocre and don't believe it's real history!" i'm guessing lancer must have applied to more then one museum.
two lines down: "like a blanket of it just smothered everyone" i'd change that to: "...,but this one you could feel; like a blanket that smothered everyone."
then the next paragraph: "The class was now a fit of giggles." i don't think you're trying to say that the walls of the classroom itself started to laugh. i'd change it to something along the lines of: "The class erupted into a fit of giggles.." and then the next line: "why doesn't anybody bring video cameras to school?...etc." the tense is a bit wrong. maybe: "why didn't anyone bring video cameras to school anymore? this was perfect blackmail material! Everyone else seemed to be thinking along these lines as well, since their laughter paralleled his own." it just sounded a bit basic, and i know you can do better.
and the except sam should not be in the middle. it's very hard to notice, because of the x0x thing.
in sam's rush on sentence, don't capitalize everything. leave it lower case. and the next sentence: "...as she pierced it all together, and rushed to voice her thought before she forgot it" i understand that it's just one thought, but it doesn't ring right, maybe make it plural. "...and rushed to voice her thoughts before she forgot them" or if you're feeling creative: "...before they dissapeared into the endless void that was her brain." i donno. experiment.
okay, fifteen paragraphs from the x0x. "sam licked his hand...etc." that can be put into one sentence. "Sam licked his hand to get it off her mouth, and he pulled it away disgustedly, wiping the saliva off on his shirt." that way, there's no repition of the word hand.
four paragraphs down: "...made him want to blow something up. He didn't say anything to her." repitition of the word her. maybe: "...of Dash marrying Sam made him want to blow something up, but he didn't say anything."
another four paragraphs down. again, repitition, this time of panicked. "..Going Ghost!" Danny panicked. "I don't have my powers!" he panicked, rushing back to Sam..." maybe: "..I don't have my powers!" he yelled..."
alright, now, after the line break. you repeat the word court. i know i'm the one sounding reptitive now, but my English teacher has drilled it into me: AVOID REPEATING THE SAME WORD OR ROOT TWICE IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH!
i'm not going to over every repitition correction. but i will give you the paragraph and the word, so you can fix it yourself.
now, same paragraph, near the end. Danny motions for Kwan to lean forewards, and Kwan leans backwards, allowing Danny to whisper in his ear. that doesn't make sense.
down about five lines. "Danny sent his a plane look.." don't you mean plain?
last line: "it took Kwan a moment to realize he had talk to him." i think you mean, "he had to talk to him."
eight paragraphs from the next line break. "Tucker's descending butt wasn't something he wanted the watch" it's to, not the.
and next two lines down, ogra with lower case letters.
down a bit. hott is spelled with one t.
down three or four lines: "..grabbed Tucker's collar and pulled his foreward towards him." i don't exactly know what you mean here, but you can't pull a foreward towards you.
when you do the "relaxing" and "peacefull" paragraph, they aren't capitolized. lower case for stuff in the quotation marks.
next paragraph. repition of the word loud.
after the line break..it's blackjack. just so you know.
a bit downaways: "..on the cue of his jump" doesn't make sense. how about: "..had started talking again as soon as he jumped."
last line before the x0x: "...and Danny's cry to her barely.."
danny's cry to her? how about Danny's cry towards her? or Danny's cry of worry..
first paragraph after the x0x: "..and saw her leaned back.." leaned, not a verb. leaning is.
and a bit more down. typo: form. you want from.
then down two paragraphs. repition, of the words sorry. i'd change it to mumbled her apologies or something.
nine paragraphs from the x0x: "If only there was some(add a space) way to make stress and PMS from mixing.."
to KEEP stress and PMS from mixing is what you want.
"i will not feel bad suing you"...feel bad ABOUT suing you.
"mr lancer looked up towards the ceiling giving a content look at it.."
giving it a content look.
ten down from the x0x, repition of metal. and hand her AN apple, not and apple.
after the line break, LANDED on the floor, not laded.
three paragraphs before the other line break, same thing for the slurred words. no capitols. if you really want to connect them obviously, put a dash in between each word.
he he, i think i'm done now. if course, it's late, and i might have missed stuff ;)
anyways, i'm a nit picker, remember that. overall, this is a great chapter. congratualtions. i would love to be your beta, if you're still looking. let me know okay?
thank you for making my afternoon! ( I LOVED the NAACK bit...i was dying of laughter)
| a11eycat5437 chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
i am so glad u updated i am looking 4ward 2 the next chapter
| inkdoll chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
This is good. I like your stories, I've read a lot of them. One of my faves is the Cherry stem one and Snowday. Man, I was laughing so hard over those two! Anyways...what I'm trying to say is your a good writer and this is a good story. If you need a beta I guess I could give it a shot if you want. Just send me an e-mail if you do.
Keep writing and I'll keep reading
| alow chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
liked it and loved the to the ground part! keep going
| Fey Phantom chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
Man oh man this is brilliant so far! This whole chapter was great! Hee, and there's even a little DashxSam (yes, I sorta like that 'couple'... :P ) I know there isn't really much but hey, he WAS supposed to be her suitor! lol And besides, Danny jealous of Dash is great to see anyday. *giggles* I loved the interaction between Dash and Paulina in this too. I think you have their personalities down. A lot of the time I always read about them getting along perfectly but in the show, they fight a lot, we've seen them at it before. Also, that entire last scene with Danny and Sam 'throwing' Dash to the ground and 'picking' him up was priceless. Heh, Danny shouldn't push his luck so much. And I really hope we get to see Paulina's reaction to the situation. I'm sorry, but her finding out Sam's a princess while she's a tin man would be absolute gold! :D Well, hope you update this again soon!
| dplover101 chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
i love it write more is sam realy going to marry some one
| giggleaid chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
could you change the story so the doctor marries her?
| December'sRose chapter 2 . 2/27/2006
You know i'm adding this to my favorites right? and of course my C2! XD
I've been waiting for this to update Spiffy finally! XD
Oh, and i think i have my cell phone back during the week! i might be able to call you later on tonight. . .
well all i have left to say is hurry up and update and Taco!
| shadowspinner1 chapter 2 . 2/26/2006
To the gound! he makes a noise. Thats just cool.
| Aicosu chapter 2 . 2/26/2006
Oh I love that!
"Hes glaring at me! TO THE GROUND!" Danny's hilarious, and I can totally see this happening.
I LOVE YOUR STORY!
Its so original! (which is hard to find these days) and very funny. I couldn't stop laughing! PLEASE CONTNIUE!