|Reviews for More Than Brooklyn|
| j.jiang chapter 2 . 6/4/2008
I saw your post on the Angry Kids forum so I thought I'd come over and see if I could offer some advice. ) It sucks when you don't get a lot of reviews (I have such a story v.v).
There are a few grammar mistakes. Exclamation points go inside the quotation marks, things like that.
Other than that...it seems a little minimal. No offense meant, of course, but everything seems to be happening so fast and with so little detail. It all seems kind of abrupt, and we don't really have any time to see Lina, to get to know her, so we can care for her. You don't have to write her life story or even write ten pages describing her interactions with others but maybe give the reader something. Does Lina see her mother a lot? Has there been a smallpox breakout recently in the country? Is she aware of what's going on?
Hope this helped a little.
P.s. Maybe use the one long line instead of the alternating 'o's. When you go to documents and click to edit, there should be a button (along wth bold and italic buttons etc.) that will put one long line across. ...It's hard to describe...Maybe just think about it?
| MDCUK chapter 7 . 3/19/2006
i like it
| Daisy Miller chapter 7 . 3/3/2006
I think this has potential. However, I feel the structure could be better. While the chapters are fairly short (and feel fragmented and brief)you took seven chapters to get the "the story,"-the connection to Newsies. The story would probably read better if you combined the first seven chapters and made it a prologue. There's some facts, some sentences, that feel redundant or simply unneeded. I suggest rereading each chapter thoroughly before posting them (make sure to check your spelling and grammar as well) and try combining some of the sentences to create actual paragraphs. While sentences standing by themselves portray a certain effect (generally an anxious feeling) having too many of them makes the story feel unconnected.
Sorry for writing so much, but this is just what I think and you don't have to follow my suggestions. When it comes down to it, this is your story and if you're happy with it, that's all that matters. :)
Keep writing! I'll be looking out for the next chapter.
| Banshee210 chapter 7 . 1/27/2006
I love it! So well written. Keep posting!
| time is a waste of life chapter 1 . 1/24/2006
hi! so you wanted characters...OKAY
Name: Elvin Mohoney
Appearance: Elvin has long straight light blonde hair (like, to his chin, though its not all one length, its broken up just enough not to look stupid), and green eyes. For his body build, think of an elf in lord of the rings...they were kind of the inspiration for this character. He wears the normal newsie garb, earthen tones mostly, with a black cap that contrasts horribly with his hair, but he likes it. He has a fair complexion but because he spends so much time outdoors he's rather tan.
Age: He's about 14, though feel free to change the age if it fits the story better. if you want to change his age, just change when he immigrated from ireland, when he enters the story he should be a pretty new immigrant, like two years off the boat at the most. (see below)
History: Elvin, whose real name is indeed Elvin, grew up on a potato farm with about a million brothers and sisters, he's not even sure of the real number. when he was 12, two of his brothers, twins who were 16 (thier profiles will be listed next) took him to america with them. the brothers found work with some other irish boys and ended up in all the lovely gang business that is associated with brooklyn. Elvin followed right in their footsteps and works as a newsie because a kid has got to eat. if you want me to elaborate more i can, just let me know.
Quirks: He's so irish its ridiculous. He speaks fluent gaelic which is why i thought he'd be good for this story. His cuswords also consit of the irish fair such as "feck/fecking", "shite", "eejit", "jaysus", and "och aye"
because he grew up with so many older siblings he's a sucker for authority. He won't listen to anyone unless they some how rank above him, and the only people he'll obey without argument are his brothers, because he figures he owes it to them for saving him from a life of a starving potato farmer. He'll pretend to be all disrespectful and run his smart ass mouth all over the place, but all someone with authority has to do is smack him on the head or threaten to beat his ass.
Name: Slone and Merik Mohoney
Age: , make them about 4 years older than Elvin. If you even chose to use them, you can use elvin and not these two, and just giving you them so you have more background information on elvin.
Appearance: They're basically exactly like Elvin except more brawny and tough looking, while elvin looks innocent and sweet. and they're taller. They have darker hair that has a bit of a curl to it, but the same green eyes as elvin.
Quirks: Same language and accent as Elvin. And they can be newsies or not, i don't really care. You're the author )
I'll give you these for now, if you have any questions or need any more help feel free to email me
bookeyak at hotmail dot com
i hope i helped!
| MushM12 chapter 7 . 1/23/2006
i really like it, i got a little confused though i thought that her older brother was gonna be spot, i dont know why, but its really good and i cant wait for more :D
| time is a waste of life chapter 6 . 1/23/2006
this seems really interesting, and i like the use of gaelic. i can't wait to read more, and if you still need more boy characters i have many that i'd be willing to lend to you )
| j.m.hxc. xo420 chapter 6 . 1/20/2006
AH! CLIFFY! UPDATE! MUST HAVE MORE! Love it still! MORE SOON!
-* like a blazing eternal flame.-*-
| Banshee210 chapter 6 . 1/20/2006
EVIL! Keep posting please. I love it
| Banshee210 chapter 5 . 1/16/2006
Oh, wonderful... hurry and post again... I love it
| j.m.hxc. xo420 chapter 5 . 1/14/2006
O! I LOVE IT! Too good! More son please! Must...Have...MORE! _ So good! I LOVE IT! Update soon please!
-* like a blazing eternal flame.-*-
| Orange Socks and Polka Dots chapter 5 . 1/14/2006
Oh boy, I can't wait for more! :o)
| Banshee210 chapter 4 . 1/11/2006
I like it... sorry about not reviewing, for somereason i forget to add you to my author alert and never heard when you wrote a new chapter... I really want to know what will happen! POST SOON!
| LyssaLa chapter 4 . 1/11/2006
Aw poor babay! What a sad thing for a little girl to go through! Can't wait for the next chapter -
~**~But, baby, its cold outside~**~
| Giggly Pancakes chapter 4 . 1/11/2006
woo now pwease update I want the newsies! *pouts* lol!