|Reviews for Looking for Magic|
| lady-rhian chapter 25 . 3/18/2006
Fantastic. Characterization of Severus is spot on, very enjoyable to read. I also enjoy the Malfoy family immensely. Narcissa is just a delight to read! And Draco thinking that Hermione likes him is just ... quite impaired!
Very good chapter. I like how a basis for Hermione & Severus' relationship is being set. I can imagine he finds her enthusiasm for learning and devotion to his projects - and to him, dare I say? - completely irresistable.
Can't wait for more!
| duj chapter 25 . 3/18/2006
Lots of interesting backstory and framework for future developments in this chapter, but long passages of exposition can turn a delightful meal into stodge. You need either to break them up into digestible portions by slotting in a few lines of dialogue (even a single spoken comment) or action every few paragraphs; spice them with wit or oddity; or thin down the texture by recasting the point of view to give the information in a character's voice. If you had Snape talking to himself in his head, the long reflective passages would slide down like a smoothie on a hot day.
Or, of course, you can cut ruthlessly, like this:
"Seeing her hair pulled back into a snood brought back old memories of his fellow apprentice, Amanda Stuart. She'd been twenty-one to his eighteen and in her last two years of apprenticeship when he started his.
Their shared love of Potions and Research had forged an immediate bond and they'd paid one year of Arsenius Jigger's apprenticeship fees by making and selling Contraceptus Potion to local apothecaries and another year by supplying a particular barkeeper with the finest quality wizarding absinthe made from a very old and illegal recipe.
Afterwards she'd married Everett McKinnon, an Auror from a family of Aurors. Severus hid his dismay and his dark Mark equally as he danced at her wedding.
In 1979, the demands of apprenticeship relieved him from participating in Death Eater terrorism. He worked instead on a wide variety of potions, ranging from recreational hallucinogens to deadly poisons, searched the Dark Lord's library for more, and explored the Dark Arts under the tutelage of his seniors. He made a point never to ask how his work was used.
In the dark days of 1980, the Dark Lord decided to make an example of the McKinnons, wiping out the entire extended family in one night as a lesson and threat to other Aurors and to flaunt his power. No longer exempt from front-line action, Severus was assigned to Bellatrix's team and, to test his commitment, personally ordered to participate in the attack on his friend's home. He watched in horror from behind his silver mask as Rodolphus Lestrange beat and raped a four month's pregnant Amanda while Bellatrix tortured Everett, grateful only that Bella had chosen Rodolphus and not him. He whispered two silent prayers that night, one to end Amanda’s suffering and the other that she not realise his own presence.
That put the seal in his disillusion. What Lucius had portrayed in Severus' seventh Year as a political action group dedicated to preserving Pureblood purity and culture through acts of terror, had turned into a haven for criminal psychopaths and sadists to live out violent sexual fantasies, following a crazed leader who would use every tool, every perversion, any Dark spell or potion to pursue power and immortality.
That murder was the critical point where he had either to cast aside all conscience and humanity or to try and get out of the hideous nightmare. He chose the latter and went to Dumbledore.
How strange that almost twenty years later, one of his students would remind him of Amanda, just by changing her hair. Not that he could ever confuse two with such different looks and personalities. Besides, Amanda’s memory was always fresh in his mind. He relived that nighht in a pensieve whenever he needed reminding why he deserved nothing better than the strictures of his life, the damage to his body, and his loneliness. No monk with his knotted cords could flagellate himself more painfully."
That cuts an 878 word passage down to 486, without losing any information of substance. If you don't need all that information, you can cut even more ruthlessly.
| snapedreamer chapter 25 . 3/18/2006
oh ha ha that was funny lol..they had a family moment there eh? Getting their drinks on..Oh i couldn't help but laugh a little..got tears out of my eyes now..Oh real good i swear.
| Meghan chapter 25 . 3/18/2006
I love this story! Keep going its great!
| severus-fan chapter 25 . 3/18/2006
I loved this chapter. The Snookums comment was amusing, and so was the thought of everybody getting drunk. I like that Draco doesn't think of Hermione as scum (what would his father think?), and I think the ending was sweet. I had to laugh when Severus said they needed to stop or embarass themselves. I could just see them carrying on, telling each other they love one another. That would've been hilarious. Please, UPDATE SOON!
| Droxy chapter 25 . 3/18/2006
This line is inspired!
No monk with his knotted cords could flagellate himself more painfully than Severus did to himself emotionally by reliving that memory.
PS- Please pass the LIT (Long Island Tea)
| Edana Alary chapter 24 . 3/17/2006
Oh boy! Things are getting interesting! This is anawesome story. Keep up the good work! This is very well written and I like the storyline. It is imaginative, and it's not just romance. I can't wait for the next chapter. Update soon!
| MissingMyShadow chapter 24 . 3/16/2006
Positively the most captivating HG/SS Fic i have had the priveledge to read. Brilliant work.
| Aldara chapter 24 . 3/16/2006
Whew, I like that last sentence. *g*
Beautiful chapter. The journals are a clever idea. I like how Hermione is slowly growing closer to Snape. _
| rinny08 chapter 24 . 3/16/2006
love that last paragraph. loved the whole chapter, actually, but the last paragraph was definitley my favorite.
| Purplygirl11 chapter 24 . 3/15/2006
I loved your update! I can't wait to see if Hermione starts fantasizing about the whole Severus now! Update soon! ~Joani
| Szkodnik chapter 24 . 3/15/2006
I love your story! This is great, keep it up! I really like the plot build up and the way the characters are viewed and portrayed. Hope to read more soon, PolskaDepresja!
| evil-mastermind666 chapter 24 . 3/15/2006
"Oh" indeed Hermione :P
Maybe you won't HAVE to wait for some silly college boy, eh? Won't be petting unicorns forever, either, hehehe.
| PheonixFlight chapter 24 . 3/15/2006
Great Chapter. I love the friendship that has been developed here between Sev and Hermione, it's very real and understated. I adored the last line, that will certainly give Hermione something to think about::grin::
I love the idea of haveing them working together even though they are seperated by an ocean, brilliant plot vehicle! Keep up the great work!
| duj chapter 24 . 3/15/2006
We have seven-sided leaves in our Sydney backyard. Very pretty. No idea what they are.
"Paired journals" - a fabfiction standby. I don't know who invented them, but I don't remember them in canon.
LOL, she's recognised his hands. How will she take that?