|Reviews for Looking for Magic|
| princesssfiona chapter 13 . 1/20/2006
oh when is Hermione going to breakdown - she's heading for it. Is this where you are going with her?
| lady-rhian chapter 14 . 1/20/2006
Two chapters at once, two chapters at once ... thank you so much! Very enjoyable updates, and I truly believe that your sprinkling of background info (such as in 14) is perfectly placed. I admit to being eager to see when HG/SS comes into the picture, but at present you have kept me remarkably content with just reading these kind of preparatory chapters, no small feat. It seems poised for action right now, though. Some kind of twist needs to happen soon. I'll keep reading. :)
| PheonixFlight chapter 14 . 1/20/2006
oh, too many questions running through my head now, I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Amrun chapter 12 . 1/20/2006
I was happy to review your fiction, and quite honestly, I only read fanfics when my friend JinxednCursed recommends it to me and links it, so it's thanks to her, I guess.
I agree that you should just leave the boys going up to the dorms - poetical liscence and all that rot, yes? It would be too hard to change it now. Lucius Malfoy was a bad example for me to use as well, because I did like the fresh spin you took on him - and now, knowing the reasoning behind it, I like it infinitely more. If you had just made him "good" and left it at that, I would not have liked it, but you let him still keep many of his views on the wizarding world and such, and see Voldemort as the right way (as far as I can tell). I like that. You have a definite standard and know his character as you have created him, so he won't be inconsistent. THAT's what's important.
If Hermione is going to have a full breakdown later, then that makes sense. As it was, though, I didn't think she reacted as strongly as she could have.
I'll gladly be your beta (or one of; it's still a good idea to get multiple opinions), if you want me to. Below is a sample of what I would be doing. There's been a gap between last night, when I read the story, and today, when I'm reviewing, so I'll limit this JUST to important grammatical errors. If I DID beta you, I would most likely be pretty nitpicky about not only grammar, but word choice, dialogue, plot, and pretty much everything. I would never tell you 'YOU SUCK,' because that's ridiculous, and you don't. If what you've seen before didn't discourage you, then hopefully nothing that will follow will. However, if you think that my "style" or whatever might make you feel defensive eventually, then you should consider that.
ANYWAY, moving on!
Accepting the hand and shaking it in response, Zabini said; “So did you, Weasley. I’ll have to remember that trick with setting fire to the landscaping.
There should NOT be a semicolon after "Zabini said." It should be a plain comma.
“Gentlemen, we have something different in mind for the two of you. If you feel you are up to the challenge,” drawled Severus. At that moment, Bill Weasley straightened up and assumed the traditional challenge pose; head straight, shoulders squared, arms straight down at his side.
"...the two of you. If..." This is incorrect form. "If ... the challenge," is a fragment. Instead of a period, a dash or comma should be used to separate the beginning independent clause from the following dependent clause. If you are, in fact, going for more of a pronounced pause in this instance, I would go for a dash.
The four of you will take him directly to the hospital wing right now, no detours.
"...right now, no detours." This is grammatized collouially. This is how we speak, but not how such speech is intended to be written. "No detours" is just as much of a dependent clause as what precedes it. Thus, the comma between "now" and "no" should be a semicolon.
The two of them had battered each other enough times; both fair and foul, on and off the Quidditch pitch that his sympathies or assistance might not be welcome.
Here, again, a semicolon is used improperly. It should be a simple comma.
“Keep it clean gentlemen, I’ll be watching.”
Here, AGAIN, two dependent clauses should connected by a semicolon or dash, not a comma.
| princesssfiona chapter 12 . 1/20/2006
I love the duelling badges - what a marvellous idea. A great chapter - you are really building the characters - they are so 3 dimensional.
Again, great storyline.
Looking forward to the next installment with some hermione and how she is coping with her new situation.
| princesssfiona chapter 11 . 1/20/2006
I actually liked all the background detail in the first chapters. That is what really took me into your story possibly I'm just a details person *grin*.
I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter - I love your writing style it really lets me feel the characters. I am also looking forward to HG/SS interaction - my favourite pairing.
| Rageful Jewel chapter 12 . 1/17/2006
Another enjoyable chapter. I loved the obstacle course that was set up. It a shame that most of the students don't know much about dueling, especially since they are in the middle of a war. (Then again, the dueling club appeared in the second book only and there is no physical education at Hogwarts.)
I did spot one mistake though: Vector's gender. It is a canon fact that Vector is a female. If you need proof, then I suggest looking at the third HP book. In the 12th chapter, on page 244 (US edition) Ron makes a comment about how he saw Hermione talking to the Arithmancy witch (not wizard). (Or you can look up at the HP Lexicon: w w w. hp-lexicon hogwarts / hogwarts_teachers. html)
| Bjornsdotter chapter 12 . 1/17/2006
I saw your story listed on WIKTT and thought I'd give it a try. Nice job! However, I have to disagree...I thought the first few chapters were quite interesting and that the detail was necessary and nicely done. Looking forward to your updates.
| Gin chapter 12 . 1/17/2006
Woot! The dueling was a blast! Pun not intended. Great fun and a great chapter. This story has become one of my new favorites! I can't wait for more. :o)
| snapehermionelover chapter 12 . 1/17/2006
great chapter. please update soon. i loved the snape/harry dueling. that was so cool. again a great chpater.
| PheonixFlight chapter 12 . 1/17/2006
An exciting and interesting chapter. The interplay between the characters was brilliant and I love the direction in whitch the story seems to be heading. keep up the good work, post more soon!
| lady-rhian chapter 12 . 1/16/2006
A lovely, delightful reprieve from the serious tones of former chapters. Potter and Snape dueling was inspired on your part, and I thoroughly enjoy your take on how wizarding duels are properly handled. I'm glad that reviews spur you on to finish chapters earlier - this is a wonderful story that I can't seem to get enough of.
| severus-fan chapter 12 . 1/16/2006
Awesome chapter. Simply awesome. I loved the dueling, and I loved how Harry faced Severus. And I'm glad that Severus won. It was awesome how Harry gave Severus a good work-out at least. Anyway, this chapter was wonderful, and I wish there was more. Please, please, PLEASE update soon! For a cookie? Please?
| Silverbutterfly chapter 12 . 1/16/2006
what a fantastic chapter... Honestly, you had a great idea, doing this duelling thing!
Wow, i'm still awed.
I love the way you're writing this story, the plot is still hard to identify, but i'll keep on reading.
| Amrun chapter 11 . 1/16/2006
So far, I've definitely enjoyed your story. It is written on a higher level than most fan fiction around these days. You're a little rocky on your grammar, I have noticed. All dialogue punctuation should be inside the quotation marks, and sentences such as, "She blah blah blah," Person A said, should not end in a period, but in a comma, as shown; sometimes you do this, but sometimes you don't. You also lack other important commas. In a sentence such as, "No no I have not," there should be a comma after the first "no." Just be careful to put proper separation in your sentences in the future.
Your prose style is lovely, and the duel description had fabulous description, although it could have been a bit more engaging. Long sets of description such as that often need to be broken up to keep the reader following along. Otherwise, it becomes a very long "skippable" paragraph of description, even if it is well-written.
I love the amount of research you have done, and the section where Hermione develops the potion interested me a lot. However, on subjects actually within the canon (not including HPB, of course), I found your story to be a bit lacking. One example that sticks out in my mind is Harry and Ron carrying Hermione up the stairs. If you'll remember, that would be impossible. If any male attempts to climb the stairs to the girls' dormitory, the stairs flatten and throw the climbers down. That's an important detail that should not have been overlooked. Some of your characters have been slightly OOC, in my opinion. For example, I found Malfoy Sr. too sympathetic and kind. Why is his new house elf wearing a nicely embroidered tea towl, when his old was dressed in a tatty pillow case for years? Why does he not want his son to take the Dark Mark as soon as possible? Why is he even considering that Voldemort might lose? None of these characteristics are supported by previous canon, in my opinion.
The plot itself is interesting enough, and I like how you've portrayed the American Wizarding scene; it is very plausible. I don't know what I think about ALL OF A SUDDEN HERMIONE'S PARENTS DIE OMIGOODNESS, and even though it no doubt has a very important bearing on the plot, I think more foreshadowing could have been implemented and Hermione's loss could have been better portrayed.
Good job so far, and I look forward to future updates. Cheers!