|Reviews for A Brother's Love|
| Vampress Princess of the Night chapter 21 . 9/9/2014
I love this story! Please write a sequel!
| Guest chapter 17 . 12/21/2013
Please dont take my comments negatively... I only wish for them to be constructive criticism for you.
That being said, your story is not very well-planned or well-written. But, I see your potential shining through, hence the review.
There are several things that can be improved. Firstly, your OC is, for lack of a better word, boring. I honestly couldn't care less about the "Mary Sue" nonsense; you can have a well-written Mary Sue and still have an amazing fanfiction. However, Alisa is simply boring. She has a bit of a personality, but she doesnt come across as a true companion, as (I believe) Gimli said. There are complications in her life and in the story that you could have used to bring out that personality for her. For example, the entire idea of her not wanting to go with the Fellowship - you could have elicited more conversations about it, detailed ones, ones where we could empathize with her more. Instead, it is as if she is shifted from training with Boromir to with Legolas to with Aragorn, with only her lack of archery skills being highlighted, not her fear of going or her bittersweet acceptance of this necessity. When her arrow hit the ground a foot away, she could have broken down in fearful anger and stated the pointlessness of it all; or, she could have gritted her teeth, and you could have used your opportunity as a narrator to detail her tumultuous emotions inside. Instead, all these intricacies that build up a character are neglected, and Alisa is incredibly flat. A character is a person too, with a life as full and abundant as yours, with a range of emotions like you, and with imperfections as you. Jeep this in mind, and your writing will improve.
My next piece of criticism - the plot. Nothing new happens. There is no excitement when a compliation shows up, hardly any extra scenes than what we already know. It's basically as if you took the fabric that makes up the LOTR series, cut gaps of the timeline out, bleached the parts of the story that attach us so much to it, and then taped your OC's figure wherever you wanted to. The plot does not weave together as it should, and even though it does fit, it is as boring as your OC. For example - she was sent to the caves, instead of most OCs, which want to fight. I was excited to read this, hoping you'd expand on the atmosphere inside, what was going on in there, or even a conversation between Eowyn and here where Alisa wonders why Eowyn would ever want to be on the other side of the door. But no, you skim over all of that, only letting the conversation say, "Hey, let's not go the other route because we'll die."
This leads to my next gripe - Legolas and Alisa's relationship. I did not see it build at all. Suddenly they were friend, and then suddenly they were kissing. What? You need to spend time, just like you would in a real relationship, to work your way to that close bond. But i only see surface-level interactions between the two, nothing more than a friend I sometimes see in my math class would do for me.
Those are the major concerns I have, and to sum it up, I will say the devil is in te details. The majority of your issues stem from the fact that you dont give your readers enough details so that a) they empathize with your protagonist and root for her, b) they cannot picture the scenes or are interested in them enough to read it through all the way, and c) they feel like their brains are engaged.
But, again, I see the potential in you as a writer. You have the dedication, and the imagination - but, you can improve your skills. Delivery is the only way that people will recognize those skills, and to have a truly positive response, you should deliver your talents well. In all honesty, thise who read this and loved it must be in early middle school or elementary school, at a point to where they dont care about quality so much. If they are older than that, then they must not care about quality too, or they simply enjoy readig a brain-numbing piece of work.
I hope you're able to improve your skills, an this is a good start!
| Kilataia chapter 21 . 3/11/2013
Good story :)! Sometimes you rushed the lines and the events a bit too much, it were king of hard to follow at times. But overall very well done :)'
| BrightWings111 chapter 1 . 5/9/2012
This is great... I love how she shot Aragorn in the leg when he was behind her...
| xXxLadyFreakyStyleyxXx chapter 1 . 12/29/2011
I don't mean to be rude but I'm quite confident that Aragorn's father's name is Arathorn, not Parathorn.
| Guest chapter 21 . 5/5/2011
| starstruckKT chapter 21 . 3/30/2010
AW this is an adorable story
| That Cripple Girl chapter 21 . 1/28/2009
Aww i just read all of the story and i loved it well done :-D
| annatoliadetollia chapter 21 . 11/6/2008
I have to say, that was the best fanfic I have ever read. You have a lot of talent! Keep up the awesome job!
| x.Who.Dares.Wins.x chapter 6 . 9/18/2008
Oh my goodness, I had to review this chapter, there was a little bit which totally cracked me up -
“You look just like your mother, and you act like her to. Sometimes I forget I am looking at her daughter and I think I am looking at Lady Astania,” Boromir explained.
“She must have been a wonderful woman,” I said a few tears forming in my eyes.
He says that she is like her mum, and she says her mum must have been great! Bit full of herself... Sorry, I thought it was funny...
| opal14 chapter 9 . 7/27/2008
| Fishy Rainboots chapter 1 . 9/28/2007
| bookworm97 chapter 21 . 8/24/2007
that was so cute!
if there is a sequel, i will hug you.
i loved that story!
| xXshattered2piecesXx chapter 21 . 6/18/2007
omg! That was so sweet. I could honestly never picture Legolas with someone, but I read your story and did it almost perfectly! Great job! I believe it calls for a sequel.
| SaS AsA chapter 1 . 6/3/2007
i'm sory but, why make the girl a weak person? Why make her run away? And being adopted? And no good with a sword? I'm sorry but you oviously dont know how to write a good fanfic character. Especially from Lord of the Rings.