|Reviews for True Shinobi|
| RisingMist chapter 7 . 3/10/2013
Argh! Why are you being so unkind to Naruto! I find this heavy handedness with him annoying. I like that Shino wants his teammates to do well, but the approach of stealing the books is so bad. I find it annoying to the nth degree. Cut Naruto some slack, will you? Also, he should totally get to learn the jutsu as well. No one has the right to dictate terms to anyone. I'm tired of seeing Naruto treated badly in your fic. Please do change this aspect.
I see you've explained why the Sand "asked" for assistance! I'm glad to see that you have a good explanation. That said, I'm not sure that they would accept the offer from Sarutobi without ulterior motives. This ought to be very interesting! :)
'This was largely due to the old man Ichiraku's daughter Ayame, who had teasingly declared them as "such a cute couple!"' I find this sentence is grammatically incorrect. You could've said, "This was largely due to the fact that old man Ichiraku's daughter, Ayame, had declared loudly that they were such a cute couple!" Or some variant thereof. Also, canon has revealed the name of the man making the Ramen to be Teuchi, probably at some point long after this story was started.
Gah! Why invent a brother for Shino and change his whole character? It's pointless to make a canon character someone else! I hated it. I also hate that you had Naruto get told to "grow up." He does need to, so does everyone! This whole attitude towards him that your fic demonstrates rubs me quite the wrong way!
And growing up shouldn't involve not reacting to insults from your friends! Being grown up and mature also involves being able to be yourself! It involves knowing when to react and how to react. Rising to a friends insult necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a way to bond! Why ignore that aspect of maturity? Please do share your reasoning for having Naruto decide not to react to Kiba's insult beyond him trying to show Shino that he is serious! Let me clarify that I don't find it unreasonable for Naruto to react the way he did. I just don't think you should've tried to push Naruto in this direction. I'm beginning to dislike this aspect of your fic quite a bit at this point.
Shino almost seems out of character with respect to your fic (not canon) when he sighs because he had to explain stuff to Naruto! It just doesn't fit that well, though it does work as it is.
I found the bell test rather interesting. Good choice on making it happen! The results weren't quite what I was expecting though. I suppose you've done this to make the whole thing a bit more "realistic"? I think that as a team with that much experience, they should've gotten the bells. Still, it works decently well, so I have no real complaints.
"With Kimimaro besides us we might have been able to take down the Kazekage unnoticed." You should use "beside" here. It's incorrect to use "besides".
""Then I guess that our plan's in Konoha will not proceed for now, Orochimaru-sama?" You would do better to re word this and write, "Then, I guess that our plans for Konoha will be put on hold for now, Orochimaru-sama?"
I like what you're doing with Hiashi, but you need to flesh it out in the future, or Hiashi will still seem like an ass! :D
"So, There-Is-Nothing-Wrong-With-Hinata-Hime, shall we be off tonight?" This sentence is wrong. You should change the hyphenated bit to, "Ms. There's-nothing-wrong-with-me" or otherwise change/drop it.
'"Hinata-chan, those words are music to my ears!" he said theatrically, putting a hand over his heart and leering backwards.' I think you meant "leaning backwards." I have no idea how one can "leer backwards" anyway! :D LOL!
"-and without her Byakugan, Hinata doubted she would have caught the look of relief that crossed his face." Interesting! You're implying that Byakugan users have enhanced vision even when it isn't in use. Is there canonical evidence for this? If there were, it would be pretty great! :)
"He, to her surprise, didn't let go of her hand, and he walked her home. His crutch was carried, as it was awkward to hold hands while limping, and they stayed in comfortable silence." I suggest re-working that because it is awkward. Furthermore, the use of the word "limping" here seems to imply the use of the crutch rather than its true meaning. So, that needs to be replaced. It wasn't made clear enough earlier that Naruto had picked up the crutch when leaving the restaurant, so I'd go ahead and add a bit more detail there.
I worry that Hinata is going to get the caged-bird seal. Please don't do that! :)
Thanks for sharing this interesting story.
| RisingMist chapter 6 . 3/10/2013
It disappoints me that you resorted to bribing Naruto with jutsu again, especially on something as important as asking Hinata out. Enough said!
Good job on describing a nervous Naruto!
I don't know that Wind country would be so ready to ask for help. Especially not for guarding their Kazekage. It was rather apparent by the time the Chunin exam invasion arc completed. But it's fine for the story, I guess.
I like that you're introducing Naruto to seals! Very exciting stuff!
Once again, I think Genma should be rotating between the three as team leaders, not choosing Shino all the time. It's a better way to train the team.
I hate that you're concerned with jutsu being too strong! I hate when authors spend too much time worrying about that. Usually, that attitude produces bad results.
I enjoyed the chapter for the most part, thanks!
| RisingMist chapter 5 . 3/10/2013
Hmmm...Jiraiya knows quite a lot about the seal, actually. This is apparent pretty early in canon. I'm not sure his statements about training Naruto are fully in keeping with canon considering when they were said, but I'm ignoring that. Though your story was last updated in 2007, meaning it is pretty old, you should've known a bit about Jiraiya's knowledge, enough to avoid the above error. Hopefully, you'll fix it when you continue this story! :)
I wonder why you are deviating from Jiraiya's explanation of the seal during the Chunin exams. Do you have something planned? Is this one of the few changes your story is based on?
Limits to chakra control, eh? I don't like it, but if it works for your story, it is fine. I'd love to hear your reasoning for this choice!
I wish the Hokage had informed Genma about Jiraiya's theory on chakra control. It would've been useful in training Naruto. Also, you've deviated a lot from current canon in explaining the Kyubi's ability to influence Naruto. Even early canon is sufficient to improve your theory a bit. Are you purposely ignoring it? Please let me know.
Really? There was no need to add a sob story with a made up Uzumaki to your story. It was better of without it! I hate the idea, but I won't be so presumptuous as to dictate how to write your story. I just think it's a bad move.
Hopefully Genma's sensei doesn't come back. If she does, I will stop reading because the story will have started deteriorating terribly at that point. Sorry if I offended you, but I truly think this is one of the worst possible things!
Thanks for sharing.
| RisingMist chapter 4 . 3/10/2013
A note on jutsu "versions" as you have them in your story. There's no such thing as a version of a jutsu. Just the same jutsu used more efficiently or with more power. That's my opinion (and a good representation of canon, I think), anyway! Worrying about what "version" of a jutsu Naruto uses, or about limiting his power is a pointless exercise! I should also add that you should never insert your thoughts in parentheses in the text of a story! It's very unprofessional, and reflects badly even on amateur authors like us!
Shino is probably a good choice of leader, but Naruto would be even better because he possess the ability to inspire people into following him. Shikamaru himself mentioned this in canon! Given this, I'm interested in who gets chosen as a leader. Also, giving one person more training to be a leader than the rest is bad. Everyone will have to lead at some point in their careers. Prepping Shino alone is completely unfair, so I hope Genma makes it up to the other two at some point in the story.
"Also this technique allowed him to sense where his opponent was as long as that opponent didn't move too fast." This mechanic only makes sense if his sensing ability deteriorates with movement speed and doesn't completely switch off. Also, I haven't given enough thought to the mechanics of the jutsu as it is in your story, so I might be missing flaws.
On an aside, I hope Naruto masters the water wall (suijinheki) to the level Tobirama Senju did at some point in this story. That would be fun to see. :)
It would have been better for team building to have Naruto and Hinata help Shino look for bugs, but since you're having Naruto and Hinata interact more closely, I'm not sure I dislike it! :P LOL!
Interesting! Naruto almost replaced Sakura with Hinata in his fantasy. He doesn't even realize that he did that. Interesting!
"Hey Hinata, I figured we could go shopping for some new threads this morning. " This one killed another hundred bunnies for reasons similar to "ceasar salad."
"…They're really nice." Naruto managed, difficulty." This one should end with, "with some difficulty."
"- but his determination was able to overcome his lust for ramen…somewhat." Plus points for being funny. Minus for the lack of explanation!
"-little Sasuke-kun" doesn't really work, considering that it is Naruto saying it. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I don't know if others would agree, but I think you could've done better.
"-loudmouth's chest before Naruto was able to counter them with his own moves." Why are you determined to insult Naruto? Besides, by this point in your story, he isn't much of a loudmouth!
Also, I dislike that Sasuke probably copied Naruto's jutsu. It makes me sad. :(
The interaction between Naruto and Kiba was decent, if a bit off for some reason. I don't think Kiba would've accepted his weakness that easily. Nor do I think that Naruto is so egoistic. This is a bit out of character, imho and hence, bad.
I find it interesting that you rejected teams after a while of testing them in the field. This approach has its minuses compared to canon as well, because it might put unprepared genin on the field too early! But I like that it gives a more realistic evaluation in a sense! :)
I loved the ending bit! :D Very reminiscent of jokes in canon! :)
Thanks for sharing.
| RisingMist chapter 3 . 3/10/2013
I accidentally posted the review for chapter 2 before I was done, so I'm going to combine the leftover part of the review for that chapter, and the review for this one. I hate that fanfiction doesn't allow for editing reviews or at least adding on to them!
Chapter 2 Review (contd.)
I find that the part with Genma trying to teach Naruto not to be proud quite offensive. Gah! As if giving up is a good idea! The enemy would likely kill Naruto anyway. Giving up as a deception is probably a good strategy. Simply giving up, isn't. Besides, it takes away from Naruto's core character too much to simply have him give up. That's a bad idea. The pride part? I'm not sure that it's a bad idea for Naruto to have less of an ego. Still, almost everythign you do to change Naruto's character to what you want it to be ticks me off. I apologize if I have offended you, but I do want to make a point of stating that I dislike the way you are approaching the problem of empowering Naruto. I am more than ready to discuss this point with you, if you should desire.
I highly recommend not intermixing Japanese terms and English ones in your story. It is your choice, but it looks more professional if you don't!
While I dislike that it will take Naruto many years of training to be a master of water jutsu, I like that you have it that way because that's about how hard it is to learn chakra nature transformation. I dislike that you haven't accounted for anyone's natural chakra natures yet! I'm excited about the jutsu training part of your story!
I liked the ending to your chapter. I would like to suggest that you show the changes in the team when possible instead of telling us what they are! That's some of the best advice any author can follow! I don't look forward to seeing a horrific C rank. Hopefully it won't change the characters beyond recognition. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story! :)
Chapter 3 Review:
I liked the start to the chapter, even though I find that Shino's weird (in a way different than canon) and that you seem to be making Genma's skills and character up as you go. : Still, it seems promising.
"Even Hinata, who enjoyed Naruto's happiness immensely, needed him to shut up, for at least a little while," is an observation I wouldn't include in my fics, but works for yours! :) I don't know why, but I liked that you did that for some reason.
Relationships within a team. Difficult topic to be sure. I don't know that I like Genma even thinking about trying to push them away. Still, I have to say that in this case, the team would most likely benefit a lot from their being together.
"-hiddenin," should be "hidden in."
I hope that Naruto's noble sentiments aren't crushed in this fic. Sometimes, doing the right thing is better than just doing the mission. Though, I wouldn't have them conflict in the first place, if possible!
I find it odd that your genjutsu is specific to sunlight. That mechanic doesn't make sense to me! Could you please share your reasoning?
Daimyos rule countries. Which one does the daimyo in this chapter rule? I'm not sure you've mentioned it! Also, why is this Daimyo in wind country! Also, canonically, this can't be the Daimyo of the country of wind! That guy is an old client of Konoha.
I'm nit-picking now, but to not seem as if you are pointing out someone's flaws is not such a good idea. It's better to be honest and upfront without being hurtful, in my opinion. I do acknowledge that it is harder. I don't know that I find Genma's approach to telling Naruto to be on his best behavior bad though. I'm just throwing in my two cents worth!
Genma's plan to have Shino assist him isn't a bad one, but I should think that he'd be able to handle a Jonin relatively easily since he served as the fourth Hokage's guard at one point. I think even with the handicap of not being able to handle an experienced Jonin, Genma would do better to have his team fight together, considering how much he has had the three of them work together. I'm not criticizing so much as sharing my ideas this time!
I find that Genma is tiring too quickly in this story, but then, you have a completely different Genma anyway! I don't consider this a good thing, but I can accept it. I find that the battle is interesting, but I know that I, for one, would like a bit more detail!
Taking a strong electric bolt to the chest is likely fatal! I'm so worried for Shino now!
Not being a doctor, I can't tell if the damage that Shino took is consistent with known medical theory. Did you do any research on this?
Again, Hinata's awesome chakra control has been reduced to something less than stellar in this story. Even given that, the Juken is efficient, so Hinata should've been able to hold her own for quite a while, chakra wise. I wonder if 15(about fifteen minutes for the battle on Genma's side to finish!) - 2(separated 2 minutes after the start) 13 minutes is longer than how long she could battle!
"Naruto tried to keep up hope, but his confidence in his team mate was quickly vanishing," is a statement I have trouble swallowing. That isn't like Naruto at all! At this point, he hasn't changed that much from his canon self either, so it isn't fully justified. His fear is justified though, so you could've stated that he was worried for her, but confident in her skills!
I find the reason for the Kyubi's chakra coming out too weak. It took seeing Sasuke "die" in front of his eyes to pull it out the first time! Plus, Naruto and Hinata's friendship hasn't been developed enough to explain him going Kyubi on the enemy at this point!
Shinobi rule 25" He whispered to himself. "A shinobi must keep emotions on the inside, no matter what the situation. You must make the mission top priority and you have to posses a heart that never shows tears." Naruto likely wouldn't remember this rule anyway, and if he did, he would ignore it. Remember what happened with Zabuza? Hopefully you won't take away from his core character. If you do, you're doing a bad job as an author. Also, I will walk away from the fic. Don't consider it a threat, please. Consider it strong criticism.
"Standard protocol," isn't a good way of giving comfort, or so I think. Why haven't you mentioned protecting innocents more? I find that you haven't used that angle enough! Even in the real world, soldiers are able to fight because they fight to protect their country!
Somehow, I find myself questioning if Konoha would want their genin on the battlefield, even in such a tough situation. I think Genma would've told them to get villagers to safe-houses or fight bandits cautiously. I find that it might be more realistic for Konoha's protocol to be that way, rather than the way you had it. I'm not criticizing here, since this point is somewhat debatable. I liked the chapter overall, but felt that you hadn't added enough depth and detail to the situation.
I find the jutsu list pointless, and suggest using English names for jutsu, but that's just me.
Thanks for sharing this chapter!
| RisingMist chapter 2 . 3/10/2013
I don't think Naruto would be too surprised about killing being a part of a Ninja's life. I think what you need to have Naruto and Hinata realize is that it isn't about killing, but about protecting. It isn't about cold blooded murder at all! It's also important for them to realize that they can win without killing also. Otherwise, you risk sending them the Danzo route! The other thing is, I don't know that Hinata's dream is to be a medic. I think all we know of her dream in canon is that she wants to be strong like her father, and kind like her mother. I hope neither Naruto, nor Hinata end up being heartless.
It annoys me that you have Shino ignoring Naruto. Do explain why he is doing so at some point! This doesn't fit Shino's character as far as I can tell.
"Do they server-" should be, "Do they serve ramen here?"
I find the whole part where Genma is insulting Naruto rather irritating. I wish you had made that sequence a little gentler!
Another point of annoyance is the use of "ceasar salad" as an order for Naruto. A 100 cute little bunnies die every time someone does things like that! It's really a bad idea to bring in things that don't exist in the Naruto world in this way!
Plus points for having Naruto talk to Genma intelligently about chakra. Some might argue that he wouldn't be able to, but what you did is actually more in line with his character in canon! :)
I have to ask if you are going to ignore changes in chakra nature in this story. Do let me know. I know that some older stories ignore that because it simply wasn't known at the time they were written. I haven't checked how old your story is, so pardon me.
"A friend who had lived in the hidden mist village for several years." This statement is rather odd! I'm not sure anyone who isn't part of the village would be allowed to learn that jutsu. It would've been better to say that Genma learned it from Kakashi who had copied it. I realize that Kakashi might not have copied it in canon. I don't know if he did or did not in canon though, so it would still be safe to use!
I find the idea of quelling Naruto's exuberance a bad idea, beyond a point, anyway!
| RisingMist chapter 1 . 3/10/2013
I'm going to be reviewing this fic as I read it, in order. Sometimes, this can make the review a bit confusing, but I find it the best way to cover everything. I'll do my best to make the review clear and useful.
The summary at the top of this chapter has a small grammatical error, "-on one of his mission," should really be, "on one of his missions." I think you just made a typo there. Other than that, the summary was error free. I do think it is good that you aren't copying anything in making this fic. I don't think however, that Naruto is an idiot in canon. Depending on how you take the story forward, trying to fix this idiocy can lead to Naruto being completely out of character. I'm not judging, just worrying! Hopefully, being a Naruto fan, you'll do your best to be true to who Naruto is at the core! As far as no insane Kyubi powers, I have no idea what you mean, but hopefully, you meant that you won't be having Kyubi train him to do insanely powerful stuff, and rather that he will learn to kick ass himself! Have I got that right? I also like that Naruto can do so well despite the supposed handicap of wearing an orange jumpsuit. Better clothes aren't something I'm opposed to, but I have to defend the orange :D :P :D. Just kidding!
"Every face in the class turned towards the door and sweat dropped as Naruto leapt into the classroom with a cry of victory, just as the bell sounded, signaling the start of classes," is a bit of an awkward sentence. I suggest re-phrasing it in a better way.
"-Naruto was trying to tune out Ino's and Shikamaru's bickering and failing miserably," is an odd observation, because Shikamaru isn't the type to bicker, not even with Ino. I haven't really seen evidence to suggest that this would be the case. I can ignore it as a one-off thing, or specific to your story, but it doesn't really fit Shikamaru's laid back character!
I believe that thoughts are traditionally represented with italics, rather than single quotes, but that's just me nit-picking! Also, I might be wrong about the traditional approach, I just believe it is. Do get back to me on what you think!
"Great, I get stuck with the two biggest weirdo's in the class. DAMN YOU SASUKE!" strikes me as odd, since his introduction of Hinata in the Chunin exam arc of the anime (and I believe the manga also) indicates that he doesn't mind her all that much, even though he thinks of her as a shy, dark weirdo at this point. I'm not sure that this matters, but I find his reaction a bit off. That may just be me though.
The choice of Genma for a sensei is intriguing. Did you avoid Kurenai because she was canon, because she was overused, or for some other reason? Did you choose Genma for some other reason? I'm curious. Do share! :)
I find Shino staring at the door weird. He's not the type to ignore his comrades, especially since he tends to get ignored a lot! He's more likely to say something that freaks Naruto out! :)
Plus points for having Naruto wonder if Genma was cool! I don't think Naruto would find the senbon weird at all, but it worked! I wonder if Naruto will imitate that at some point because he thinks it looks cool and badass?
I find it interesting that you chose the "recon team" specialization. That's the usual route for this team to follow! I thought you'd be trying to break away from the usual already! But this is the setup, so you might not be able to do that yet! I do have to point out that I dislike using or reading recon teams or med teams for Naruto for the most part. I have enjoyed stories which do that in the past, so I'm quite eager to read yours!
Canonically, Genma is a "Special Jonin." I'm not sure why you changed him from that rank into a full Jonin. Also, is there any canonical evidence to Genma being recently promoted from Chunin? Is there any evidence for him having trap making skills beyond the ordinary?
In the explanation for needing new clothing, I find the allegation that Hinata's clothes restrict her movement a bit dubious. As a young girl, Hinata always wore a jacket and seemed to do fine. I find that Shino's clothing is actually more restrictive, but he seems to do fine also! I know that you've noted that Hinata's "sweater" (jacket, really!) is not bad but could be better for movement. Still, it makes for a bit of weak reasoning. I also find that Shino's clothes are reasonably dark already! He wears gray, after all! I don't have a problem with changing their outfits, but I thought that you could have improved the reasoning a bit!
I also have a problem with the part where you suggest that Ninja don't just kick ass and are supposed to be hard to spot. That may be true of ninja in this world, but in the Naruto world, I find that Ninja have a great variety of skills and approaches to battle. I don't think that you were wrong in having Genma suggest more stealth for Naruto. I just have to request that you share your reasoning with me. Especially on what you will do with the ninja world in totality. Changing it from canon arbitrarily would be bad, after all! I would appreciate it a great deal. Thanks!
I liked the outfit change overall. I'm curious about wearing the protector as a belt though. Any particular reason? Also, the gloves were a nice touch!
The part about Genma training them to use their jutsu more effectively was quite ambiguous and needs a bit more detail. It begs several questions, for me at least! Hinata has been shown to have awesome chakra control. It's also clear that the Juken likely requires fantastic chakra control. She is the one who should have climbed the highest on the tree-climbing exercise. Is there a reason you chose to have her hold back? Or is she not holding back and simply struggling in your story? I find this whole choice very curious. Please do share your reasoning.
"Naruto seemed to talk all the time without ever saying something useful, often annoying his team mates," is another one of your observations I take exception to. I know that Naruto talks a lot as a kid, but he does say useful stuff. People just tend to ignore it! I should also add that I find the idea of "keeping Naruto quiet" somewhat offensive. I think it's just the way you put it, nothing else. I'm not really criticizing you much here. I just think that it would be nicer to say it differently.
I find that people not recognizing Naruto with the mask is a bit odd. He has golden hair, a hair color that isn't all that common in Konoha. I don't know that it makes sense.
I should also note that the part about killing in cold blood sets of further alarms in my head. You make Naruto's thoughts on Sarutobi rather grim. Somewhat like Danzo even. I worry that you'll go that route and make the ninja world more grim than it needs to be. I hope Naruto retains his very human and compassionate nature after the encounter that seems to be coming.
I had an interesting time reading your first chapter and look forward to more!
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 7 . 1/10/2011
Cannot wait for more to come my ninja friend.
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 6 . 1/10/2011
Total awsomeness. And if you want new jutsu's I have a Naruto forum with some on from me and others if you want to look at them.
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 5 . 1/10/2011
One of the best NaruHina fics I have read so far.
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 4 . 1/10/2011
Loving it more and more. Can't wait for more of the awsomeness.
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 3 . 1/10/2011
Loving it my ninja friend.
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 2 . 1/10/2011
| Shizuka Taiyou chapter 1 . 1/10/2011
| white striker chapter 7 . 5/21/2010
write more or i kill u kisskiss jk TTTTEEEEE HHHHHEEEEE-