|Reviews for Champions: Out of the Past|
| HayFever96 chapter 11 . 6/15/2017
This is quite a fascinating story.
I like how you portrayed the characters; it almost reminds me of how people write their stories in personal journals or diaries even. You have definitely caught my eye. I look forward to reading more
| Glory Bee chapter 11 . 7/29/2012
A fascinating story, looking forward to part 2.:)
| Dreamstrifer chapter 11 . 1/2/2011
I can't believe it took me so long to read this story. I blame it on my marked disinterest in fanfiction for so many years. In any case, I'm glad finally read it because this is a superb story. I love the story line, the characters, and how you weaved Middle-earth history with modern earth history with the reincarnations of the Fellowship. Well done, and I can't wait to read the other stories!
| Blood Zephyr chapter 2 . 10/21/2009
I find it rather sad and irritating that people only acknowledge God when bad things happen and they need someone to blame, instead of when wonderful things happen. If they want to blame someone, blame the people who do the bad things, or Lucifer for bringing evil into the world. He is the embodiment of evil. God isnt. Sometimes God does something about it, though we dont always understand WHAT He did, or the timing of it. We just have to trust that He has a plan for each and every one of us, and that He'll be there (one way or another) when we need him. However, sometimes He can only do so much without violating our free will. Most of the time He is a source of comfort.
| Celebwen Telcontar chapter 4 . 9/24/2009
| Celebwen Telcontar chapter 9 . 5/29/2009
Hm... Who is Thomas Farrell? Is he the reincarnation of Estel (Aragorn)?
| Celebwen Telcontar chapter 8 . 5/29/2009
Wow... Incredible story. Wonderful. I love it.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 11 . 5/16/2009
And so we finish!
Well, I am glad I have finally taken the time to read the story! The ending is very strong - much stronger, in fact, than the rest of the piece. The quality of the piece did, in general, get better and better as the story went on - I think it is because you were growing more into the characters.
Final suggestions and observations; again, take them or leave them (I don't know how you feel about re-writes).
My major comments would be there is a tendency for you to get distracted by minor, domestic details of the story. There are several individual scenes (such as the pizza boy coming to deliver the 'zah, and even the eating of the 'zah itself) which build tension . . . and then fail to deliver because it is just simple domesticity. I would advise cutting those scenes dead - they don't really add to the overall tone of the piece, and just slow the thing down.
Similarly, there is a tendency to make things very explicit - I would seriously consider removing a lot of the details of emotions and explanations of how people feel. The reader can tell how people feel most of the time, and sometimes you seem to overstate these things. Clarity is very good, but I think there is a little too much of it in places.
And, of course, I would definitely stand by my large re-write suggested in the review for last chapter! Sorry! I really do think it would improve the piece a great deal.
I must admit, this sort of story is not my cup of tea - it is a very different tone to what I am used to, and it is also a story which deals with feelings and emotions far more than events (again, not my cup of tea). But, it is well-written, carefully considered and researched, and shows a true attention to world-building. It was worth spending a day reading it, and I shall have to find time to re-read the sequel.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 10 . 5/16/2009
Okay, I think (even if you make no other changes whatsoever to this story) this is a virtually necessary one to make.
This whole chapter revolves around Madsen acting like a bitch and basically forcing Elena into deciding to take Boromir home with them. This is a really cool thing; but it seems a trifle too convenient. So, here is my suggestion.
Go back through the rest of the story and EITHER remove all references to anyone other than Elena and Megan (even Aubrey - trust me!) seeing Madsen OR stick in a line or two which makes it clear Madsen only appeared a few days before (i.e. she is recently transfered from somewhere).
Then, re-write the confrontation in the grocery store so Madsen is the one to suggest (probably sarcastically) "oh, why don't you just take him home with you back to your poondock little town if I'm such a bitch for saying he should make his own way in the world?" and Elena goes "right, I will, then!" and storms off.
Cut the WHOLE of the confrontation scene in the parking lot - and replace all of Pelagia's musings on how much of a bitch Madsen is with "Madsen" morphing into Pelagia and then vanishing with a smirk in front of the surprised old woman.
The final scene can either contain Aubrey saying "Partner? Partner? Ladies, my partners in the hospital with a gunshot wound - he's been there for three weeks. Gets out tomorrow, they say he'll be back on duty in about a month or so" or have a reference to how Madsen has requested a transfer out of Raleigh.
Basically, I think the character of Madsen (the bitch) is just too convenient to be plausible. With this re-write (and there would be other things that would need re-working; Boromir would react differently to her - IF he could see her at all, and the scene in the alley would be different - she might offer some little suggestions and snarky comments which plant the seeds of taking Boromir back with them) she suddenly becomes a character where people go "AH-HA! I see!".
O! You could have Nico simply not react to her - because she isn't really there. Or is magical, or whatever - and Elena thinks "Strange Nico doesn't notice a bitch" or something.
I think as well Megan's sudden decision to take Boromir home with them is all too convenient as well; I would suggest she comes to the decision earlier, but then begins to second guess herself (perhaps she thinks she is ONLY thinking that way because she crushes on Boromir? THAT could be one of the things "Madsen" says to her in the hospital room earlier, which would make the idea to take Boromir back Pelagia's idea.) When Elena comes in and says she wants to take him home, Megan can suddenly realise that "Madsen is a bitch to Elena - and she is wrong about me JUST crushing on him! I mean, about me crushing on him AT ALL! Yeah, that's what I meant . . "
Okay, this would be a fairly heavy re-write. BUT I think it would make the piece much, much better. It would provide a reason for Madsen to be a bitch other than "she's a Yankie" and also make the decision to protect Boromir more realistic.
Sorry. A suggestion - take it or leave it.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 9 . 5/16/2009
Another good chapter - I think the opening domestic scene could be heavily sliced; there are a lot of details here which just slow the piece down. We really don't NEED to hear how two cops eat pizza.
But, the rest of it is very good indeed. The conversation between Daly and Pelagia is great - once more we see the interfering nature of the demi-goddess and it is always intriguing. She is definitely playing her own game here - one she seems to be more concerned about playing stylishly than anything else.
The mayor is a cool character - surprised by the revelation he is a re-incarnation too! He seems like a nice guy; I think the conversation between him and Megan goes on too long. He really needs to cut her reminiscing short, because it will destroy her. A nice touch might be to move the events with the Hitcher re-enactment down south - perhaps to Raleigh? And have Megan tell Farrell about it and have him interupt her saying, "Yes, I know - I was his partner. I saw it too." And then she can say (after being shocked) "See? EVERYONE has seen something horrible!" And Farrel can tell her he was just as shocked and horrified as she was, just as messed up - and there is no shame in being like that, it isn't self indulgent.
Anyway, a suggestion. Some very powerful stuff in this chapter.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 8 . 5/16/2009
We get a lot of family in this chapter, and that is really very nice, because we see a more human side to our three female characters than we have before. I am not sure if the device of having each one of them have a particular art form is really necessary, but it does seem to work.
And the big revelation of who Daly is! Now we see why he has been so kind to Boromir, and why Boromir seems to remember him. Of course, Boromir's memories are coming back gradually, and this is handled very well indeed. You aren't overly eager to rush ahead in this tale, and that is very good - too many people would be getting Boromir back on his feet altogether too fast.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 7 . 5/16/2009
I like this chapter a lot - the story hits its stride with the strongly Southern elements here. I think they could be left out of Megan explaining to Elena; those almost seem shoe-horned it, but the ante-bellum touches of the old South in the Farrells' house are good. And, of course, the revelation of Richard Dennison and who Brendan is are cool and welcome.
Of course, the question has to be asked; why do so many re-incarnations of various people from the Fellowship orbit around North Carolina? Is this a common thing to happen - do they tend to congregate as they reincarnate? And, if so, would Legolas and Haldir be able to use that information to find Boromir?
I think the portrayal of Brendan in this chapter is very good; he's a man troubled by a lot of different things, but you don't turn him into something horrible and weak and angst filled, which is an uncommon choice for too many fanfic authors!
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 6 . 5/16/2009
The various little scenes in this chapter are well-connected with each other, but I am not sure if they don't go on too long. The first scene with the four detectives establishes the personalities of them all, but it seems as if we are being told we shouldn't like Madsen. Perhaps it would work to give a lot of expositionary dialog to Madsen, making her seem like a know-it-all? That would also overcome the problem of the presence of the dialog here - it sometimes seems as if the more experienced detectives are simply talking about it for the audience's benefit. If Madsen was a by-the-book know-it-all then they could mock her by saying "Yeah, we got that!" but the audience would also hear it.
Galadriel's scene is cool, and you really neatly capture the essential elements of her. Similarly, the scene with Anders back in Campbell is good as well - you are keeping the murder case present in the narrative, which is a good thing as I suspect it will be important later on. I am not sure if it is necessary to keep mentioning the similarity between the dead girl and Kristen - this is something Anders might want to hide in order to protect her people.
As usual, the scenes with Boromir are very good - we are gradually seeing him learn more and more about the world around him, and it is good you are doing so gradually. This whole story is really about the development of a relationship, and it is good to see you are not rushing that and trying to get it done too fast.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 5 . 5/16/2009
I really like the portrayal of Aman in this (or Atlantis, as it is getting called in legends - perhaps something could be made of the irony that has forced the Elves to sink their home like Atlantis - when the sinking of Numenor (the Atlantis analog in Tolkien's works) was a ploy to keep Men away from Aman?) The technology is never really made clear - part of me would like something more there, to know if it was purely technological, purely magical, a combination or if (like Elven "magic" in crafting) there is no distinction between the two. Magic is just what Elves do when they use technology.
I did like the implication the Elves have stagnated (they bring back computers from the world of men, having never invented anything like that themselves!) That was subtly and well done.
Seeing the conversation with the girls with Boromir from the other side was cool too - it is a reversal of the theme of the earlier scene in the chapter, where we have people who understand the world of men but a not part of it. Here we have a man who does not understand the world of men.
I like the tension between Gandalf / Elrond and Legolas over the involvement in the affairs of Men - part of me is not sure if the use of the Nazis is quite necessary. It seems to be the de facto expression of evil in the world, and I don't know if an Elf would really get caught up something so fleeting as a war. Still, the motivation behind the antagonism between the Elves on Aman is well-explained, and entirely plausible.
Pelagia (she gets a name!) returns in this chapter, and she really does give us a huge info-dump here about her motivations. Part of me wonders if a lot of these info-dumps might be better served as narrative dialog between Pelagia and her sisters - perhaps as a framing narrative of them watching (almost on a chessboard) the movements of their Champions?
But, the thematic elements of this chapter are strong and bring us to a point where we begin to understand the motivations of the mysterious spirit, and that is a good thing.
| InactiveNotUsed chapter 4 . 5/16/2009
I really like Daly in this chapter - he is a character drawn from an older world (not least because he is an older character) and has that charming, Old World elegance about him. The scenes with Megan and Elena in the hotel are sweet and tell us more and more about them. And I do like the scenes with the three women in the hospital with "Michael". Elena giving him that name is a sweet gesture - as are her reasons for doing so. It is almost as if she is predicting the role he will have with them.
The family backstory is good too - we learn more about why Kristen and Megan have the relationship they do, and we learn a good deal about the involvement of Elena in this.
I think this chapter really does teach us a great deal about the various characters here, although I think the initial scenes with them checking into the hotel could have been truncated significantly - there is a lot of descriptive detail about precisely what is done and when and where and how. Ultimately, they checked into a hotel - I am not entirely sure if the whole scene could not have been cut and the information conveyed by the girls telling Kristen what the hotel is like.