Reviews for The Road We Follow
Darknessflamesaiyan chapter 6 . 6/23/2012
I was just looking around and found this story when I started reading it I just wanted to read more charpters I wanted to know what's going to happen next. CAN YOU AT LEAST THINK ABOUT REBOOTING THE STORY OR AT LEAST START BACK WHERE YOU LEFT OFF . I really wanted to read about the Brush fight and read about the tag tournment CAN YOU PLEASE AT LEAST THINK ABOUT CONTINUING WHERE YOU LEFT OFF PLEEAASSSEEEE.
Mapel chapter 6 . 5/7/2011
Your old fics are still being read and appreciated, just so you know. Thanks for the time you put into them.
Sonic Wooten chapter 1 . 4/19/2011
Warning, Non Personal Flame! ) Why is it everytime i find an AMAZING STORY it never gets completed! ( With that said, this is an amazing story, story line diverges from the status quo and i really like hows it coming along, too bad it'll never be finished. If i was a writer, i wish i could take up a lot of these unfinished stories and try to finish them, but alas, i've never written, so i dunno if i would do well. Anyway, i hope at some point this story may be finished.
NekoAngel01 chapter 4 . 3/7/2011
awww I wish u didn't cut it off it was a rly rly good story i hope one day u would want to finish it
Mr.Hq2q chapter 6 . 2/2/2011
continue this story
feernando chapter 6 . 1/27/2011
the story is really good when will you continue because i liked
primrosefey3 chapter 6 . 12/23/2010
I was really disapointed that you haven't continued the story. I think this has so much potential and you could really come up with a great ending for this story.
Daxel chapter 6 . 6/17/2009
Don't kill this one man, this is one of the best Ranma/Shampoo fics i've ever read, don't kill it just keep it pause till you feel like you can keep going with the story.
Velvet Nights chapter 6 . 4/27/2008
wow, finally i find a GOOD ranma\shampoo story! i love this pairing but there are so few actual stories for it!

and i loved the cursed wolf form, with the fire school with it the first that comes to mind is the words "blaze wolf"

and i'm not sure what you have planned for the ranma\brush fight but i have on request. have ranma beat the living shit out of brush.

i mean, epic beat down.

anyway, moving on to the next item of conversation...

YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED IN 2 YEARS! what happened! get back on the story!
Jigoku no Yami chapter 6 . 1/1/2008
Ranma is gonna get his arse handed to him, and i like where this is going, keep up the good work, now, we just need to get Ranma drunk more often, hes funny when drunk.
Ganheim chapter 6 . 12/14/2007
Chapter 1: "Code of a Man"

Heir to the "Anything Goes School of Martial Arts",

[Although one would have to plan on living to properly call themselves ‘heir’, would one not? Generally speaking, I would think.]

It was weird, she didn't even hit Airen when I hugged him, she actually smirked at me...

[I think that would still be faintly out-of-character for Akane, she’s rather obviously possessive of Ranma and despite the fact that the later plot shows she knows Ranma’s breaking up with his other fiancées, Ranma is still her little object to be possessive of and so she’d get angry at him even knowing what he’s about to do. It’s close to her canonical character, but not perfectly in-line.]

Mother still not know you have curse? Didn't stupid panda also make agreement with her that you would be 'man among men' when you grow up?"

[Though Shampoo might well know about general goings-on of the Tendo household – like Ranma’s mother showing up – but I don’t believe that she’s ever become aware of the ‘man among men’/seppuku contract.]

the door of the cafe'.

[I believe there’s an extraneous inverted comma.]

taking out her trademark bonbori as she leaped.

[There seems to be some confusion among the fanfic world as to what a bonbori is. I direct you to either .com or Wikipedia, either will inform you that a bonbori is a Japanese paper lantern. Wikipedia will also mention that it is also incorrectly the name applied to her chúi or solid-sphere maces, and will contain a redirect to ‘chui’.]

a woman in a black kamino holding a wrapped katana

[Spelling: kimono.]

You're so hansom too!

[Spelling: handsome.]

Half-smothering the boy, Nodaka starts to pace around her son.

[How the hell can somebody “half smother” another person while pacing around them, probably to scrutinize them, which would require being at least at arm’s length?]

"Anyway, what's important is that you get to met your mother...

[Grammar: that you meet your mother]

Akane shot her father a glance that made him stay more silent than he had before.

[He was just speaking, so her shooting him a warning glance would _silence_ him rather than the grammatically and logically flawed ‘make him stay more silent than before’.]

"Oh, I'm sure my dad and Mr. Saotome told you all about it,

[Although Akane is canonically portrayed as...not being the brightest bulb in the bunch, and having a mean streak sometimes a mile wide, this would end up threatening something that’s hers, and she generally prefers to do that herself. It’s kind of like the “only I can make fun of my brother” sibling syndrome.]

not noticing the string of face faults her father was doing.

[She’s not stupid enough not to notice repeated face-vaults/face-faults. She _would_ be stuck up enough to ignore them, however, if she’s in a bad mood.]

what's the problem!"

[An interrogative sentence needs to end with a question mark.]

Genma mearly looked non-chilantly at his

[Spelling: merely, nonchalantly.]

It was as if Genma and Ranma-chan could the nerves in Nodoka's brain firing.

[Could what? Hear the nerves? See? An obscure feel/sense?]

"Well Nabiki, you can tell a tail,

[A tail is attached to the butt of an animal, which technically a person could tell (identify). A tale is a legend, a story that a person would tell (spread, disseminate, speak). Since the latter is what should be there, this is a spelling mistake.]

"Moose...what the hell are you doing here?"

[Spelling – and there’s really no excuse for misspelling a major character’s name – Mousse. You know, like the beauty product? As all the other amazon characters seem to be named (with possible argument with ‘Shan Pu’s’ name, as though that is also the most common katakana representation of the Western product shampoo it’s also the pronunciation of the kanji/hanzi of her name meaning ‘unpolished gem’.]

Ranma slammed his foot down on the table in front of Moose.

[His _foot_? That would be awkward for almost anyone, and would most certainly be out of character for Ranma – the young Saotome uses his fists primarily. He might slam down his _fist_.]

All of them think their my fiancée,

[Spelling/word confusion: they’re, a contraction of ‘they are’.]

and the past cowardliness he has shown relating to it."

[Spelling: cowardice.]

in the next few days, don't worry though,

[As is, this is a run-on sentence. Based on the structure, changing the comma following ‘days’ into a period (and capitalizing as necessary) will easily fix that.]

of the Cat Cafe'.

[Punctuation: it’s just ‘cafe’. If you can’t get the ‘é’ character, jamming in an inverted comma isn’t the solution. It just looks awkward.]

It ended civil enough,

[Grammar: It ended civilly enough,]

a hug between friends before she had set off with her okonomiyaki cart for parts unknown.

[What cart? She hasn’t had one for a while...generally speaking, there was an anime appearance or two of her using one, though it may have been rented for short-term occasions where she was away. All she had was the restaurant: a fixed establishment.]

maybe it was because of all the Amazon's did for him

[Amazon’s is either singular possessive or a contraction of ‘Amazon is’, neither of which is correct. _Amazons_ (simple plural) is correct.]

and the free ramin wasn't that bad either.

[Misspelling ramen, one of the most famous exported products of Japan (particularly to impoverished college students and how I truly came to know the wonderfully cheap stuff), is something that should be easily spotted.]

"Shampoo glad you like what I'm wearing. I make it so we match on date!"

[She’s using pronouns quite a bit...doesn’t really seem to match her expected ‘Japanese’ speech patterns.]

You never ask my great-granddaughter out on a date, not that I’m complaining.

[Oh, she is complaining. She’s just not complaining _about that_, which I think would be well stated by one as intelligent and articulate as Cologne.]

now sow his plans threatened and decided to step in.

[Spelling: saw, not ‘sow’ which is what farmers do to seed.]

Cologne stared a hole through Moose for the interruption.

[Misspelling: Mousse.]

Now we go on date, lets go Airen."

[Punctuation: let’s]

but neither cared enough to look into it further.

[Cologne is wise enough to know that ‘what you don’t know _can_ kill you’, I seriously doubt that she’d do nothing.]

Her prized bonbori

[Chúi. See note above and look it up online if you don’t believe a linguist hobbyist.]

I had no idea that she could get this upset!


mom knew about my curse.

[Interrogatives should end in question marks.]

Chapter 2: "Strained Relations"

(also, I have corrected the spelling for Moose's name to the correct form, "Mousse", at the recommendation of others.)

[But apparently haven’t gone back to fix the mistakes in chapter 1. If somebody points out a mistake, why not go back and fix it? It’s easy enough to do with the tools FFnet provides.]

"Good, violent girl is occupied. I should be able to deal with Ranma's mother without interruption. I don't see mother though, I'll get panda man to tell me."

[If this is supposed to be her Japanese, it’s not fitting with her expected speech pattern. If it’s supposed to be Mandarin, it’s not bolded like you said it would be in the AN opening the chapter.]

...she has those bonbori things with her too...

[Chúi...see note above.]

why by scared of someone weaker than him?

[Because Ranma always pulled his punches.]

to a bonbori

[Chúi...see note above. And yes, I will mercilessly point this out.]

possible escape routs that Nodoka could employ to escape her.

[Overuse of ‘escape’ in close proximity, I recommend replacing the latter with ‘evade’.]

Tightening her grip on her bonbori,

[Chúi...see note above.]

She turned around expecting to see her loving husband but

[I don’t think ‘loving’ would necessarily be the most apt description, and in this context it looks even more out-of-place. I’d remove it.]

used in suck quick procession.

[in _such_ quick profession?]

I knowspatula girl left earlier, could that be it?

[Spacing: know spatula]

he stringed her along for the day.

[Alternatively and possibly with better flow: strung.]

"I can‘t believe this! He led me on for the whole week! He could have told me when he told Ukyo, but he didn't. I...actually thought..."

[Breaking form Shampoo’s expected Japanese speech patterns. Granted, this would be a logical place for her, in her tumult of emotion, to slip into her native tongue (and possibly not even realize it), but there’s no indication she speaks in Mandarin in either a speech tag to clearly tell us or the bolding you claimed at the opening AN.]

"Quite true Akane dear."

[This seems out-of-character for Nodoka, who I don’t believe ever showed a level of maliciousness like this. It also appears to be missing an implied comma following ‘Akane’.]

“A mothers duty is never done

[Punctuation: mother’s]

apology to a house plat.

[Spelling: plant]

"I'm sorry but where...

[Spelling: we’re]

Her right hand was also cut deeply as if by a sword.

[The katana is a sword designed to do one thing: slice. Realistically, that blade would have cut all the way to the bone without the slightest effort.]

his mother new about her curse,

[Spelling: knew.]

It's amazing that you're alive.

[Unless that dagger struck deep – and I mean multiple centimeters deep – it’s highly unlikely that it punctured an important blood vessel and to cause enough blood loss for anything drastic.]

"Nah doc, I'll just head home myself."

[Something that a modern hospital would not allow.]

and the Saotome katana was still laying on the floor in two places.

[In two _pieces_?]

Ranma spotted Shampoo's trademark bonbori.

[Chúi...see note above.]

"I'm sure she's fine Ranma, she did leave under her own power."

[Yes, as have many who’ve died of poison, infection, and BLOOD LOSS.]

Chapter 3: "Highwayman"

There was no impossible opponent waiting on him,

[Well, that could be debated...]

with the bonbori he brought with him,

[Chúi...see note above.]

he leaned the bonbori up against the wall.

[Chúi...see note above. You do know that you’re allowed to refer to them as maces, right? That’s what the weapons are in real life, albeit they’re generally on longer poles and wielded singularly rather than in pairs due to their immense weight.]

“She stormed into the house and tore the place up looking for Mrs. Saotome.

[Akane’s not the smartest character in the NWC, but I don’t think she’s stupid enough to try for a lie as blatant as this. Shampoo is a skilled hunter, and she entered stealthily. Akane knows that, and she knows Ranma knows how good Shampoo is.]

Look at her, look how much she’s hurt!

[This when they’ve got to at least strongly suspect he stopped by the dojo already and likely saw the “blood-spattered” room. By the way, though wounds to the head and face bleed a lot, it’s not a “spraying, geyser of blood” like a tear to the femoral artery, it’s more a lot of blood flowing from the gash/laceration and not stopping for a while. Most of it would soak into her clothing. A great part of the danger is that it won’t clot as quickly as a cut on a limb will.]

“Don’t call that Akane!”

[Missing word: don’t call _her_ that]

All that blood, you two...almost killed her...”

[I was impressed at his earlier reference to his knowledge of Shampoo’s skills, but anyway, to this: again, I reference my earlier mention of the blood loss.]

If he could feel the heat, he didn’t show it on his face.

[A ki aura doesn’t cause damage to its summoner, though it can make it easier for them to take injury by numbing their ability to feel.]

as he gathered up what looked like Shampoo’s bonbori.

[Chúi...see note above.]

Ranma, bonbori in hand,

[Chúi...see note above.]

Her hand had a terrible cut at least half an inch deep.

[First: The average person’s hand isn’t even much more than a half inch thick from palm to back, someone slim like Shampoo even less so. However, as I mentioned above, it is realistic that a katana would cut easily to the bone. Such a wound would be wide as well as long and require stitches if Cologne ever hoped for Shampoo to be able to use the hand again – though the damage from the gash itself and the time until it was treated would mean that some of the damage would be irreparable. I also want to point out that alcohol and Hydrogen Peroxide (common cleaners for shallow lacerations) would not be used on such deep cuts because they’d cause too much damage to the tissue that’s trying to heal – this comes straight from my friends, medics who have treated such wounds. Shrapnel is a nasty thing.]

it’ll leave a scare,

[Spelling: scar.]

though not as bad as the one that will be on your face.”

[I would have to dispute this: unless the katana passed through the bone of Shampoo’s skull, the cut to the face wouldn’t be as deep as on the hand. However, the facial scar would be much more visible and I think that’s more what Cologne should be referring to. Was that the intention?]

we get home.” Cologne sighed.

[When you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph. Based on the context, I believe the italicized thought is supposed to be Cologne, but I’m not sure because it’s mashed onto Shampoo’s paragraph.]

Well be leaving in about an hour.”

[Punctuation: We’ll]

“An hour! How Mousse move things so fast?”

[A better question would be why would Cologne allow him to move things so quickly? Shampoo is still healing, and with the merciless combat of the amazons she’d stand her best chance at survival if she healed _first_, then headed out. Such deep wounds won’t heal as well while travelling.]

Even an warrior as old as

[Spelling: _a_ warrior]

Cologne sighed at the sight of it.

[I think she’d sigh, but not at the damage of the wound – she’d seen worse – but because it’s now on her own precious flesh and blood child.]

Once all infection was out,

[You mean once the wound was cleaned?]

“That is a ‘weave healing’ pill.

[This only partially allays my concern about travelling to a warrior village while healing, especially if she’s going to get into intensive training before even getting back home.]

Still with bonbori in hand,

[Chúi...see note above.]

He didn’t notice, but the aura around his feet started to flame.

[Though the appearance of a flame is common among folk tales of cultures that recognize ki, a physical flame in such a manifestation (without specifically and consciously conjuring a damaging flame) doesn’t appear. I find it interesting if slightly convenient that Shampoo would be starting schooling in the classic element (be it the Western 4-element system or Eastern 5-element system) that is the destructor/counter of fire.]

“ seem like a strong guy. The ship is short on crew,

[Plot device.]

two weeks longer than your friends ship in fact.

[Punctuation: friends’]

Making his mind up and hiding Shampoo‘s bonbori

[Chúi...see note above.]

Genma instanly recovered.

[Spelling: instantly.]

16 years?”

[It would have to be at least 17 if Shampoo’d been in Nerima for a year.]

“You know about the four different chi schools right?” Ranma shook his head. “Well, there are four different schools: Air, Water, Earth, and Fire.

[In the West, yes. In the East, there are 5 elements. From many mythologies deriving from China, those are: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water. In some deriving from Japanese schools, the five are: Earth, Water, Fire, Air, Void (or sometimes ‘sky’, which correlates somewhat to a ‘spiritual element’). Personally, I’m more partial to the Chinese Wu Xing five.]

It‘s also easier to use a weapon with that school than with the Air School.

[Though Ranma’s always been partial to “open-handed” combat, even if he has used weapons against the likes of Mousse.]

Since you‘re carrying those bonbori around,

[Chúi...see note above.]

If you light the aura around your face, you will be unable to breath due to lack of oxygen.”

[Technologically this would make sense, but as far as the folk tales always went that was never a concern – at least, for one who had really mastered the flames.]

you need to make amens!”

[Spelling: amends]

What are you up too?”

[Spelling: to]

out by an eye-rate Ranma.

[Spelling: irate. I’m not sure if that was intentional, but I’m hoping not. I’m sorry, but in all honesty: it looks stupid.]

and finally nodded in aproval.

[Spelling: approval. And Ranma taking Ryouga along would also be the only sure way of keeping him from telling Akane and the others – even if accidentally.]

Chapter 4: "Week One: Standing on Your Own Two Sea-Legs”

His bear was un-kept and it circled his mouth,

[Spelling: beard?, unkempt.]

The paints chipped

[Punctuation: paint’s]

The Captain mearly sighed.

[Spelling: merely]

yer off my boat.

[What the hell is the captain going to do, throw them overboard?]

the deck was green with agley,

[Spelling: algae, and that’s not the only thing that’s green where there’s a lot of moisture. You’d be surprised how many places mold grows. Or maybe not.]

The different moves were a bit odd for Ranma to grasp at first.

[And you haven’t yet mentioned that the scroll is in Chinese, something that almost seems ‘thrown out there’ when “the captain” below mentions ‘this is in Chinese’.]

the lack of aerial attacks made the kata sets seem off.

[ you know what a kata is? In oversimplified terms, it’s a stretch/warmup/exercise, not a maneuver like the Ranmaverse Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken which is a maneuver and template for further actions.]

that had seen one to many Bruce Lee movies.

[Spelling: one _too_ many]

I can’t read those symbols!”

[Case in point: ‘gasp it’s in Chinese’ looks like a plot device. If Saotome Genma had the scroll and gave it to Ranma, I doubt that it’d be in Chinese and not in Japanese.]

...could you teach me how to speak it?

[What, _now_ he thinks of this?]

You can only use combat moves that are in that scroll or any Fire School techniques.”

[Sure defeat, because when somebody’s been inundated by one school of thought (this applies to linguistics as much as to martial arts, which is why I’m familiar with it), you have to transition to the new school.]

leaving an indention in it’s surface before collapsing on his knees.

[Spelling/Punctuation: its. Oh, and a more active and powerful way to word it would be ‘the metal buckled under the blow’.]

but failed to black a sharp kick

[Spelling: block]

While they were not scolding hot,

[They’re flames. If they’re not _scorching_ hot then something’s wrong. Particularly if they’re enough to make Ryouga cringe.]

“Hey Ranma, hope you like the gift. I had Barry, he’s the helmsman, draw it from a picture of all of us back in Nerima. I know you don’t have one with just you and Shampoo in it. Call it a peace offering for beating you like that today. If you want dinner, come to the galley cuz we eat at 6:00pm, if you‘re up before then come help me with the work! From, Ryoga” Ranma blinked, but looked back at the picture of him and Shampoo.

[This entire paragraph had me going: What The Hell? It had me so confused I thought British Comedy made sense.]

Getting the dirt up from the ocean floor using a sifter that was dragged from behind the ship,

[A ship that is dredging the sea floor is not going to be carrying cargo from Japan to China over the course of around 3 weeks, it’s going to make a circuit out from and back to its home port, taking a few months to do so.]

Get to the forward deck and see what the hell we hit!”

[This isn’t the age of wooden galleys and sails, modern ships – even cargo ships – often have their own (if primitive) radar and sonar systems so they don’t run into things. Not always, as the equipment _is_ expensive, but it’s cheaper than repairs, which is why may do. The captain should be angry that he didn’t get any heads-up.]

I figure I’ll have at least a year before he comes after her.

[She cannot possibly be that stupid.]

but he mearly calked it up as collateral damage,

[Spelling: merely, chalked]

The dojo area was

[A plot device?]

Her inner monolog was

[Spelling: monologue]

nothing struck the purple-haired girls fancy.

[Punctuation: girl’s]

Shampoo did an audible gulp.

[I cannot fathom Shampoo backing down in such a manner. Consistently throughout canon, it was portrayed that she seemed to instinctively respond to threats by striking first, not shirking back.]

Chapter 5: "Revelations and Rivalries"

Quickly producing his adopted bonbori,

[Chúi...see note above.]

Ranma released one of the bonbori

[Chúi...see note above.]

Ranma shifted the other bonbori

[Chúi...see note above.]

with the incoming bonbori,

[Chúi...see note above.]

the flame-engulfed bonbori

[Chúi...see note above.]

at the same time the other bonbori impacted

[Chúi...see note above. Oh, and ‘time _as_ the other’.]

he picked up his other bonbori

[Chúi...see note above.]

Ranma put his bonbori away

[Chúi...see note above.]

“Hey Ranma...the Captains...?”

[Unless you meant ‘captain’s’, I thought there was only one captain.]

She actually called me Ukyo,

[And is using pronouns properly, if not confidently. I was surprised not to see Ukyo notice this.]

Ukyo new she hit a sore spot.

[Spelling: knew.]

“I mean, you went to go and tell off that bitch right!”

[This is an interrogative, that means it should end with a question mark. Tacking on an exclamation point also is fine, but a question needs a question mark.]

he would have been beat to a pulp,

[Spelling/tense: beaten.]

what you’re plans now

[Spelling/punctuation: your]

even if she would half to fight

[Spelling: have]

In just a few hours, he had improved more than he had in the last week.

[If this is self-perception, then possibly. Realistically, a person never improves as much on one’s own as with the aid of another even if a competitor.]

the Amazon’s haven’t had a unifying leader in generations.

[So what is Cologne? Incompetent?]

The ‘Kiss of Death’ and ‘Kiss of Marriage’ are completely optional.

[ they’re not. That is very strongly against canon, which repeatedly asserted that Shampoo was following required law in chasing Ranma all the way to Japan, then giving him the Kiss of Marriage when she found out he was a boy. Granted, by that point she had probably seen enough of Ranma to decide that he was ‘good potential’, but she’d have held off until the apocalypse if her laws didn’t allow her to go through with it. That’s the strength of her force of will – or what I interpret from canon.]

no one is forced too.”

[Spelling: to]

You have until then to at least get to Shampoo’s current fighting level.”

[Even if she had _years_, I seriously doubt that she could get to Shampoo’s level. Remember, the amazons are the product of thousands of years of selective breeding, Shampoo herself is a product of lifelong training in addition to being a martial arts prodigy in her own village. Canon was quite clear that nobody came close to her until she was defeated by Ranma, which is why it was such a shocking event and undoubtedly the primary motivation in her chasing “Ranma-chan” down.]

“When did you get so good with those bonbori?

[Chúi...see note above.]

he heard that he had used bonbori,

[Chúi...see note above.]

wine, which was later proved to be home-brewed moonshine,

[Wine and moonshine alcohol are very different. I don’t see how they could be mixed-up even by non-alcohol-drinkers.]

taking out it’s vengeance on his ability to stay awake.

[Punctuation: its. This also looks exceedingly strange. “Taking its toll” I could understand, but “taking out its vengeance”? It just doesn’t work.]

Ukyo just seems to be able to fit as an Amazon,

[She might be capable of standing up to it – at least for a while – but I don’t think that the amazon culture would be one that she would really want to live in. She’s strong, yes, but she’s a relatively “typical” Japanese girl and I think not nearly combative enough to withstand amazon life for long.]

Chapter 6: "Pack Mentality"

He asked the grinning Ryoga. He seemed to think for awhile before answering.

[Initially this acts as a speech tag identifying ‘he’ as Ranma. Who the ‘he’ is isn’t clearly shifted, I’d recommend using an alternative for Ryouga (such as ‘lost boy’, ‘bandana’d boy’ or some other descriptor in place of the second ‘he’. It would also help if it was moved down to his paragraph – it’s good writing in addition to good grammar to break to a new paragraph when you break to a new character.]

when you mentioned the bonbori I use."

[Chúi...see note above.]

Ranma looked at Ryoga with a 'I dare you to say it'

[Seeing as how the following word begins with a pronounced vowel, I think that ‘an’ would be fitting instead of the ‘a’.]

were a pair of bonbori.

[Chúi...see note above.]

they had the same pattern as Ranma's, Shampoo's, own pair.

[Based on the structure, I’d say that hyphens would be better separators than the commas, which don’t quite emphasize the sharp correction that I believe is implied.]

"And what did you two say?"

[Based on the time Ryouga was undoubtedly in China (while pursuing Ranma), I’d be surprised if Ryouga doesn’t at least have a rusty knowledge of Mandarin.]

He began examining the bonbori again.

[First: Chúi...see note above. Second: which chúi, his or Ranma/Shampoo’s?]

He looked down at the bonbori and sighed.

[Chúi...see note above.]

The annoyance in his voice had Ryoga,

[Based on the circumstances, I think ‘annoyance’ would be one of the least appropriate words to use. Fury, perhaps subdued or seething rage would have been more appropriate.]

she may have resulted to some underhanded tricks,

[Word confusion: resorted]

tell her more than anything that I l-l-l-lo...

[Oh, please. Either go straight to write/say those four letters or skip the stuttering entirely and have him go straight to saying ‘cared’.]

After he again got his emotions in check again, he continued.

[I think this would better serve the flow if it was moved down to open the next paragraph.]

The Captain was silent for a few minutes.

[When you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph.]

What the hell! That was a...bark...

[Why is there a need to change his curse?]

he took Shampoo's bonbori and walked towards the door.

[Chúi...see note above.]

Can you imagine that boy with a cat curse?”

[I still don’t believe this guy would know so much about Ranma to even know about his Ailurophobia.]

bonbori in hand.

[Chúi...see note above.]

Shampoo had chosen the Amaguirken and immediately dove into training.

[Based on her speed in the “Xi Fa Hang Gao”, and her penchant for breaking through solid walls, I think that Shampoo’s already mastered these two techniques. The fact that these are also referred to (both in your story, and in canon if I remember correctly) as relatively basic amazon techniques should only reinforce the fact that Shampoo should already know them. She was the village champion, she should be on top of the most advanced techniques!]

Ukyo spoke up. With the Air School,

[Missing opening quote mark.]

His last letter was sent a few a few days ago from Nerima.

[Nerima is a ward of Tokyo – think of it like a neighborhood – and it’s landlocked. It’s not on the coast, nor is it (closely) connected to a port.]

He says their very talented,

[Spelling/Punctuation: they’re.]

he seems very confident in their ablities...”

[Spelling: abilities.]

Cologne broke out in a cold sweat.

[Extremely out-of-character. Cologne’s been surprised, but she’s never been this out of it. Ever. She is nearly 300 years old, going by the manga (the anime is even more evasive), it’s hard to get her tongue-tied but when it happens she’s quiet and gets control before looking like she’s fumbling.]

said under her breat as she hopped off

[Spelling: breath.]

I do figure I’ll have to punish him boy

[punish _the_ boy?]

I think he’ll like that curse more than his current one.

[What kind of ‘curse’ is it if he’s going to like it (more than the prior one where he keeps his body and all of his moves/techniques/ability to communicate/et cetera)?]

I think he’s cooler as a wolf!

[If running against base canon. It’s possible to change his curse and make the story work, but it’s difficult. Good luck.]

I want to say this is a great story I’d watch, I really do. The first problem is that it’s in hiatus. The second is the number of out-of-characterisms (while none are fatally serious, even minor ones pile up) and convenient ‘plot devices’: Ranma’s ship’s captain being Cologne’s son, okay, but him deciding to trust and help out Ranma especially as much as he does in the story? Too much for me. The plot and characters (in general) were good, which is the important thing, so raising this story from ‘good’ to ‘very good’ wouldn’t take much work, just finicking with details here and there.

God bless and happy writing,

TVMaster2000 chapter 6 . 8/9/2007
Waha! Dude...I just lovve your story and it was so sad that I made it to the final chapter and you hadn't updated in over a year and a half. Please disregard what I'm about to say in parentasese for I will be typing half-crazed with wait(dude! you should like totally drop those other storys and continue with this one its fo you really should!). Sorry for that rant, I know good story-making takes time and I respect that(but still a year and a half...COME ON!), ahem sorry.
10tative chapter 6 . 4/5/2007
my, its already hiatus? but its just reach the better part! more pls xD... pls just dont abandon this story..

this is a very well written story!
enigma chapter 6 . 2/16/2007
this story is one of the best that i have ever read! ha ha now -a-days, it is very hard to comeby stories that i like! the plot is great, the writing, the characterization, it is really great... your story wants me to read more and more and unless you update your story soon, i will keep on hangin' to your story and will keep in my mind the short but sweet incidences in your story that one will always remember.
addicted03 chapter 6 . 8/29/2006
OMG! I love reading this fic! It's the best I'vee ever red! So dramatic and awsome! Ukyo & Shampoo vs Ranma & Ryoga! I'm in luv! PLZ PLZ update now! I'm begging you... :)
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