Reviews for Kaidan
Anne Novemberly chapter 1 . 1/26/2006
And what a ghost story at that!

Okay, that definitely held a creepy factor for me, especially the bits of whispers and touches at the beginning. The problem with ghost stories though, is that they often don't care too much about people.

Your story is dark and creepy, but it doesn't have much in the way of characterization, and the tension in your story is uneven. Kaoru is very unnerved by her supernatural visitors in the beginning, but as soon as she spots Kenshin, she pretty much drops her fear like a hot potato. Now, while it's true of all horror stories (and in real life) that the unknown is the most frightening, you kinda shoot yourself in the foot by taking away the suspense halfway through the story.

Now, this could just be me, but I didn't catch that Kenshin was a separate presence from the shadows that were lurking in her apartment until the end. Perhaps that could be established a little more clearly in the beginning?

Also, Kaoru's tone in the second half kinda clashes with the overall mood of the story. Sure, she's gutsy and brave, but the self-deprecating sarcasm is better in stories with a lighter tone. "Typical of my luck" is something you say to a flat tire, or a pop quiz, or other hazards of the waking world. Dark shadow masses trying to eat you in the dining room elicits screaming, panicking, fight or flight stuff. If Kaoru has the presence of mind to make sarcastic remarks, she isn't afraid, meaning she's not in trouble, meaning the climax doesn't have as much clout. We have to worry about characters, and it's hard to do that when they don't worry about themselves.

I liked the idea of Kenshin leaving her little gifts, but I think they'd be more effective to the story if they weren't so random. As they are, they only give the message that Kenshin is wooing her with pretty trinkets. But at the same time, isn't he trying to get her to remember him? Things that would jar her memory, things with significance to their relationship, would be more effective in advancing the plot. You already have one- the indigo hair ribbon.

Now I know I've spent most of the review poking holes at your fic, but don't mistake my criticism- I liked your story, a lot. Your prose is excellent, and while you have some word repetition, it's nothing a little practice won't beat out of you. Your style is readable and accessible, and your tone is even. Like I said earlier, your pacing can use some work, but that's mostly an issue of plot development, not the actual writing.

Overall, I'd say you show potential, that this is a remarkable achievement for your first fic, and I look forward to seeing what you do next.

Best wishes, congratulations, and good luck!

~Anne
Dragonsdaughter chapter 1 . 1/25/2006
Whee! I'm your first reviewer!

I STILL love this story. It's such a wonderful blend of eerie,mystery, tension, and good old fashioned WAFF... I can hardly stand it. Oh, I'mjsut so glad you chose to share!
Ravyn chapter 1 . 1/25/2006
As always, I adored this story. Keep up the good work. *hugs*
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