|Reviews for hack: Morganna's Revenge|
| Tsukiyokou chapter 11 . 12/1/2007
Elk's real life name is Kaoru Ichinose
| MysticSorceror chapter 3 . 1/20/2007
Helba-san, your story holds so much sensual imagery which makes it incredibly beautiful. Your description is wonderful, it's better than anything I can write seriously, my writing is awful. I like Subaru's character, kinda cute. Okay that was kind of a surprise for me u.u my Yaoi fantasy is over between Elk and Tsukasa u.u.
Typo's for this chapter
unconcious - 39th Line
There are more but I'm kinda too tired to point them out right now
| MysticSorceror chapter 2 . 1/20/2007
Once again the chapter starts out with some very effective description, and it pulls the reader in.
There are a few things that you should be careful of, word-repetition being one of them and a careless mistake I usually make myself, even with continuous editing, on those stories I do edit. Wow, that's emotional but it's also comic which is a great idea, I basically just write emotional angst since that's the type of person I am. I loved this line: "friendship is all about trust" that was a very powerful line, perhaps one of my favorites that I've read for a while. Lol! That part about the Digimon cards was really humerous _. Overall I love the characterization and description and it's actually intriguing me to watch the series and actually see if there are any yaoi-shippy couples. Also, it may be strange asking this but is Helba a character from .hack/ I told you I didn't really know it so...yeah, is it? I know some friends of mine randomly put themselves into stories. Aww poor Elk! Don't get taken! You might get raped by something *slaps self* alright i'm done.
Some parts sound a little odd to me, I hope you don't mind me suggesting some ways that they could be changed:
"what to answer the new people" [4th Line] sounds a bit weird to me, perhaps "how to answer the new people" would be better.
"the vines beginning to tug him to the masses of the vines" [125th Line] perhaps changing one of the vines to something else, Ex: "the vines beginning to tug him towards the body of the plant..." or "the vines beginning to tug him into their incredible mass"
There are fewer typo's but still some:
"strait" - 63rd Line
"rukus" - 87th Line
"sorrounded" 121st Line
"warpped" 133rd Line
| MysticSorceror chapter 1 . 1/20/2007
Alright ;; I'm trying to read, sorry that I don't know about the characters
But I'm going to be kind of harsh, not because your writing style isn't good but from what you told me constructive criticsm matters to you.
Straight away I love your wording, it gets pretty descriptive and actually lets the reader gain a clearer image. What I can see of characterization, though I know little of the series is very good, the internal monologue and dialogue really draws you into the story. Once again I love how descriptive your writing is, it provides for a great idea on what sort of characters these are and what the situation is. Your sentence construction is excellent and the diction draws the reader in to notice all sorts of small details or at least interpret some. This is some amazing writing, you seem to give the characters excellent emotions and the story-line should continue, it provides a story that people SHOULD read...and you are better than I am at writing.
In the third sentence of chapter one there seems to be a problem, the repetitiveness of the word 'time' makes the sentence a little tricky. Also I'm assuming this is a character thing, so please excuse me if I'm right but "I hope to be able to adventure..." it doesn't feel right because the word adventure is a noun, journey or explore might be a better choice of word. In one of the later lines you say "This voice of Kite's", personally that sounds a little weird to me when you could have just said "Kite's voice," There are a couple of spelling mistakes, most likely typos:
"fore himself" - 9th Line
"feild" - 12th Line
"The" -26th Line
"vigirously" - 36th Line
"mateirial" - 39th Line
"shacky" - 50th Line
"notion" - 77th Line
"veiw" - 78th Line
"panicing" - 83rd Line
| kage.exe chapter 2 . 1/27/2006
oh yay i love the rewrite helba! by the way how come you weren't on aim much anymore? hope you update soon!