Reviews for The River of Red
HaloGebieter chapter 3 . 8/4/2012
All in all a good story but maybe you should change the charakters to naruto and oc or if that's not available just to naruto... since kyuubi has not that big of a part in it... just a suggestion
AmitraDay chapter 3 . 1/2/2012
As always, your prose is vivid and enjoyable and you have an incredible gift for writing fight scenes.

You know I'm a super huge fan, so I'm going to go straight into the less enjoyable critiques. I don't really remember much about the original draft, so I'm just going to give my opinion on this one.

I'd say the biggest problem with this is that it's not a complete story. It has all the dramatic tension of a good solid conclusion, but this story seems to jump immediately into the conclusion with almost none of the beginning of the story where the reader would usually connect with the characters.

There is awhile at the beginning, but it feels more like explaining why the characters are there than actual connection with the characters emotions. I'd say it was less of a 'meeting Han Solo' scene than a 'Han Solo comes back to fight along side them' scene. It jumps straight into the end game.

There's nothing wrong with trying to work away from a typical three act structure, but this story seems to be trying to follow a three act structure, but only including the third act.

Tomoki's plight is an interesting one. It has weight and his line "I'm glad you took the time to speak with me…so I could thank you," he offered earnestly then snarled: "I no longer have any doubt that I did the right thing!" is one of my favorites. It was wonderfully written and a very interesting plot point.

I'll say the biggest problem in this story is Naruto. He's very in-character and well written, but he doesn't really have a reason to be there. His arrival feels sudden and his staying doesn't really hold weight as a lesson in teaching in Tomoki about accepting help, as there were no scenes before that time that could have shown Tomoki as reluctant to accept help. It's told and shown to some degree that he doesn't want help, but it's not enough to really leave an impact and feels more like an excuse to keep Naruto there.

There's also the problem that Naruto's worry that he's a monster and Tomoki accepting him as the Kyuubi isn't very interesting. The reason for it not being compelling, I have to stress, isn't because you don't have talent as a writer. It's because it's been something that's been done to death, especially with original characters. A big part of writing is knowing your audience, and many fanfictions and even episodes of Naruto (filler especially) have a stranger accepting Naruto as the Kyuubi. Naruto's worries about being a monster, while very much a real concern to him, seem overused and obviously untrue to readers, most of whom are slightly bored with that aspect of his troubles.

In The Broken Tool, one of the things that really worked in your favor and helped to make it great was the fact that Haku and the Land of Waves is very unexplored territory, especially in a longer multi-chaptered action story. One of the big benefits of being a trailblazer in writing!

I'd say those are the two things that hurt the story the most. There are some small things I want to mention, that are probably far more subject to my own personality's bias than the above critiques.

I don't think the witch was that interesting as a person. She could have served as more of a symbol than an actual character, as happens in many stories. However, in a story this short where there wasn't really time to get to know the main character, she probably needed a bit more pizaz and interest to her. She came off as a bit generically evil, which worked in some ways but not in others. She doesn't really need to be a fully formed character with backstory and all, but I think working a bit more with her motivation (even if it's not a moral motivation at all) may have helped.

Overall, I'd say this story was a bit of a disappointment, but still with fantastic prose and an honest effort that did show through. I can only offer my opinion on it and say I hope you will continue to write better and better, as I have no doubt you will continue to stun me with your great stories!
KitsuneDango chapter 3 . 11/23/2010
awwwwwwwwwwww TomokiXnaruto forever!
Black Ace 0 chapter 1 . 12/25/2009
WritingRin chapter 3 . 6/28/2009
YAY! I loved that! Yay for friends! How did Tomoki get so healed up? That's what I kept wondering. I know he did the healing jutsu but I really expected him to find Naruto and then die, since he 'only healed himself enough' to get traveling. You mentioned them nursing their wounds and all... But I just don't know if that's good enough. It seems so unrealistic. xD But I think you probably just wanted to get done with this ending, so I don't have a big problem with it. So, all in all, loved Tomoki and this story and your writing style! I'm going to look at the rest of your stuff!
WritingRin chapter 2 . 6/28/2009
Wow. I just keep thinking "I would've been so deprived if I hadn't given this story a chance!" Because, wow, you are such an expert writer! It's not because you use words here and there that I need to look up. It's because you created a character that's REAL and you write in a powerful way. This felt like a battle that I'd been waiting for for the entirety of regular novel, not the second chapter of a story I JUST started reading! But my emotions were THAT caught up in this!

Although I have some reservations about children being such powerful warriors and great foes falling so easily, it's not like I haven't seen it before. So I allowed myself not to be picky about that detail and was able to totally cheer him on! (and really, I don't think I would be so interested at all if he WASN'T a child, accomplishing all this! It actually makes it kind of special!)

Xiaomei was also a interesting character because she had such a believable PRESENCE about her! And her and Tomoki's dialogue was just FANTASTIC. I loved the way they were matching wits as expertly as they matched swords! And speaking of swords, have you taken fencing? I love to write swordfights but I could never write anything like that. You seemed to have so much technical knowledge that you brought to the fore! That fight was so great! And when I called you an expert writer it was mostly based off of that battle, because the next time I write a sword fight I think I'll come back to this chapter and take notes from you! Such a great battle, I loved it!

I'm so hyped! I can't wait to read more!
WritingRin chapter 1 . 6/28/2009
Hooray! I love well-done OC stories! And descriptions that don't stop the action and get all scientific. Your casual explanation of how he looks, mixed in with his current position was exactly the type of description I like to read! Honestly, if you'd done it any other way I never would've kept reading.

Tomoki is a really interesting character and Naruto is an interesting person too put him with! This story looks like it's going to be good, I'm gladly going to keep reading it!
loaned chapter 3 . 7/16/2008
Cool, keep up the good work.
top chapter 3 . 6/11/2007
You broke it into chapters good. After reading the rest of the stories in this series. I think you did a good job developing Naruto and Tomoki friendship. I am hoping for more with Tomoki.
Trueswipe chapter 2 . 6/5/2007
Is it just me or i've read this before...?

Either this is repost or what, it's a great story

Don't end tomoki's series just yet.
Between The Nightmares chapter 2 . 5/31/2007
-insert sound of jaw dropping- Dear gods... This is one fucking awsome story! I bow before it!
top chapter 1 . 5/23/2007
It was a bit long to read in a single sitting but, well worth it. Naruto is completely in character throughout and your original character goes well with Naruto. I like how you work in the supernatural elements.
haricot vert chapter 1 . 12/7/2006
I'm not that familiar with the Naruto world, but after reading Telling Moments, I'd totally get more into it.

The author drew me in with the descriptions of the characters' surroundings and the fight scenes.

Crazy good job, man.

mushin noshin,

baldragnarok16 chapter 1 . 8/29/2006
I'm disappointed in the lack of reviews for this story. It truly is very well written, and there are only so many stories that focus on Naruto's other teammates. I liked how you used vivid, descriptive imagery throughout your story and ended it on a humuoruos note, which I don't particularly like. But it seemed appropriate somehow. I expect something at this level for your sequel.
chazsvp2 chapter 1 . 6/21/2006
Beautifully written and absolutly amazing! Naruto was in character all the way through...the story was fantastic and Tomoki was such a good character! The fight scenes were in amazingly good detail so that i could see evrything in my head, I almost thought i was watching a movie or something! Definately one of the ebst fanfictions ive ever read, even though it's so short! Bravo! *appaluses* XD