As promised, here's another review (whether you're alive and kicking or not).

Before we start, I would like to make it abundantly clear that I love your fic in many different ways. Now, on towards the critiques.

Your grammar could definitely use a little bit of work. It never got to the point where the fic was incomprehensible, but it did distract from the overall enjoyment. This could be solved fairly easily by a couple of good prereaders. If you need another one, I'll volunteer for this story.

The other thing that occasionally got in the way is a little hard to describe, but I'll give it a shot. Occasionally, you'll write statements where you should be writing descriptions. Overall, it gives off a little bit of a feel like reading a children's book (i.e. Bob chased his sister). Although it wasn't anywhere near that bad, it did impede the enjoyment on a few occasions.

I like the idea that Ranma has a twin to help her cope with all of the stuff happening to her. I imagine that Ryoga will help as well, although he'll most likely complicate the issue as well, if you do carry their relationship to a romantic level.

Ranma would most likely have more than a little bit of shock over the fact that she's now a princess, with an identical twin. Although the situation would be slightly offset by the previous experiences when she's been locked in her female form, none of them were on par with the current situation. In order to help get over it, she'll probably need a fair amount of help from several people.

That being said, matters will be further compounded by the gang in Nerima. Since Kuno was able to find Ranma's new residence, all the others are sure to follow, even if Kuno found out from a source other than Nabiki. Almost none of the consequences would be good. The only real beneficial contact would be from Kasumi, and possibly the Amazons (if you went the whole 'amazons are servants of the sun princess' route).

I love how you made a backdrop to the whole reincarnation scenario. I love Tatsuki and the rest of the 'undead'. :P

Once again, thanks for the story. I love it, and certainly hope you're looking to continue it.

Nifty little fic so far. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more. Although I'm still a little nauseous about the whole kissing cousins scene. Not that we'll probably see much more of that, with the way you seem to have Ranma and Ryouga set up... o.O

Well, it's rather obvious that Ranma will eventually turn almost 'all girl', since the future shows Ranma as a girl whenever she's attending to events dealing with Crystal Tokyo. I do like how you seem to have Ranma fighting it, though. All too often, authors have Ranma embracing 'her' female side with nary a backwards glance. Your setup is looking a little more realistic.

Well, that's it for now. I'll write a bigger review once I get done with what you've written so far. I did, however, want to thank you before I hit that point.

GA! Okay, I'm officially offering my services to you as a proof reader. Because, while this story is amazing (hence the reason it just made my favourite's list) it has some glaring spelling and grammatical errors. Chief amongst them being:

"Ya" should be "Yeah"

and

"attained" while spelled correctly, has been used incorrectly. When going a gathering, you "attend" it, not "attained" it.

These errors are just two amongst many that made the story more difficult to read. As I stated before I really enjoyed it, I just hope that if you don't take my offer, that you'll at least seek out a proof reader. Because you're insulting yourself with these errors.

Other than that, I can see you're working hard at this. Good luck in future endeavors!

Interesting story with interesting concepts. I'm sure you have your ideas well thought out but in execution it seems somewhat rushed. Some of your concepts need more definition to them such as why Ranma allowed Kira and Nodoka to dress him up on the first day, why Ryouga was so easily willing to play along, why Nodoka lacked her expectations of manliness for Ranma and a few others.

Spelling and Grammar are pretty bad, sentence structure and paragraph formatting need a bit of work as well. Most of that can be overlooked.

Overall due to the bad grammar and plot holes, this story can be slightly confusing and frustrating to read. I will follow this story as it is interesting but I recommend getting some C&C before posting a draft, a good editor goes a long way.

Also, try to ignore flamers that dont read further than the first chapter. Don't let them discourage you. Good luck and I hope you keep up on this as I hate waiting!

A potentially interesting concept... with a completely unbelievable and uninteresting execution.

Your grammar is sub-par, your sentences are awkward and your characterizations quite frankly suck. While Ranma frequently used his curse as a weapon, it was something that he was clearly illustrated as hating. Repeatedly. And now, here we are half-way though the first chapter and he hasn't been male since he demonstrated his curse. Nodoka "You must be manly or kill yourself" Saotome wants him to be fully outfitted with girl clothes when he can't stay in either form for too long. After all, when Ranma tried to hide his curse, /hot/ water often sought him out. Can you imagine shifting from female to male form in a bra? Or panties fit for a petite girl? When something like that happened during the Picolette Charidan I affair, Ranma's metal underwear was so tight that the curse changed him WITHOUT cold water to prevent injury. And here, you're having him buy all kinds of dresses and presumably lingerie. His new cousin insists he sleeps as a girl, in bed with her, in spite of the fact that Ranma is obviously (and was even introduced to her as) a boy. The list goes on. And Ranma doesn't even try to stop them. He offers occasional weak verbal arguments. Maybe you have some magical plot-related reason for it. I'm not even finishing the chapter, let alone story to find out.

Ryouga's suddenly agreeable, nice, and practically Ranma and his Mary-Sue cousin's slave.

And speaking of the cousin, let's talk about "Kira". I've got two words for you. 'Mary' and 'Sue'. Ranma doesn't argue with her. She's learning the sword. She's hot and trendy. She looks just like Ranma's cursed form. Here's a link (you'll need to remove spaces) for 'The Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test'. Make sure you take it properly. Don't trust a link left in a anonymous review? The same link can be found on the profile of the FFN author 'Legendary Legacy' (user id is 1095870, easy to find now, right?). He writes in the Naruto fandom.

w . springhole quizzes / marysue . htm

Just take out the spaces, follow the link, read the directions, and use it to test Mary-I mean, 'Kira'.

I could go on and on about things... but I'm content to leave it at this. You really /could/ have had something here. Since I won't (not can't, won't) muck through the first chapter, let alone the rest of this supreme disappointment I'll never find out. And anyone who is against 'Ranma stays a girl' stories and 'Ranma/Ryouga slash', which your story looks like it could become at the point I'm at, is not very likely to find out either. Normally, I end my reviews with a small bit of positive praise, so I'll do that here. "Maybe in the future."

Later

Oh, nice story. ? Imaginative and unique, too.

Looking forward to more!

Alex Ultra: Beez And Buzzards

LATER

GREAT CHAPTER! (*x4) Looks like Ranma life in new choas life.

its an intersting chapter, though for a large chunk it seemed to wander off into that setup for the primary plot items.

Wondered when this would get here. Well done.

I don't normally like to leave negative reviews, but in this case I have to. I see a number of huge problems with your writing. Topping this list is GRAMMAR! I kept trying to read the story. I really did. I finally gave up about half way through chapter 6 due to it just being so absolutely horrible. Wrong words being used, missing words, several sentences where I just couldn't for the life of me figure out what you were trying to say, the list goes on. My only guess is that English isn't your first language, and you're using some kind of spell checker, or bablefish or something that's mangling things horribly.

Secondly, after getting past the grammar, the writing itself is confusing. It seems to jump around using many flashbacks, changes of viewpoints, and feels to lack any kind of natural flow. It eventually got to the point where I had absolutly no idea what was happening in the story any more, and at that point had lost interest in trying to figure it out.

Thirdly, as a couple other reviewers have stated, while I don't mind a Ranma as a girl story, I find the way you depict Ranma to be nothing like what he's supposed to be. Basically, you've made up your own character and given them Ranma's name.

In short, while I applaude your attempt at writing, I strongly feel that this whole mess needs to be rewritten from scratch.

Nice chapter but you should use a spellchecker.

I hate to say stuff like this, but I can't get passed your grammar to decide if the story is any good. You have two glaring mistakes in your first paragraph. One in the very first sentence.

Excellent update! It has been a long time! I like itthough! Please update sooner rather than later! Are you going to Fukufy the twins? I was just wondering!

Sincerely,

AshK

Good story so far. Just a few grammar errors, but that happens to everybody.

And, yes, the Seppuku Pledge was Genma's idea. Probably to keep Nodoka out of his hair while he trained Ranma.

Well, seeing Innortal as editor, I had high hopes for this fic. It took about half of the first chapter to dash them, and by the end of the chapter they have disappeared as if they never were there.

First of all there is no way a Japanese man would be named Mustang. Not only it's not Japanese name, it's unpronouncable to a Japanese person (they'd mangle it into something like Masutangu). But, let's chalk it to artistic liberties...

Second, the way Nodoka and Kira (and author too) suddenly, and with no apparent reason or respect for Ranma, go on a feminize-Ranma crusade, including piercing ears, wardrobe, forcing Ranma to remain in girl form, and Ranma going along, has my disbelief factor skyrocketing. You have decided to have Ranma appear in a certain way, and are hammering him into your concept. As a reader, I have to grimace at the crudity of your method.

Also, I'm sorry to notice that the characters you have in your fic are not Nodoka or Ranma, just named placeholders for your ideas. Which to me, makes this a disappointing read, since I wanted to read a Ranma fic, and not a make-believe it's a Ranma fic. It is alright for an author to change characters, but when doing so, there should be proper and believable justification. Otherwise, readers can't reconcile changed and original characters. Which is what happens here: why would I want to read about a guy who appears like Ranma but is really a nobody who gets completely dominated by two almost completely new females in his life, and in a way that original Ranma wouldn't? Ranma has a big and strong ego, and need to reaffirm his masculinity. Those are some of his most defining characteristics, and you simply took all of it away without a reason or explanation. He gets denied who he is and goes along? I don't think so...

I'd like to emphasise that I'm not against Ranma-as-a-girl concept, if it's properly presented. Which is not by having a literal equivalent of pod people.

I've read only the first chapter, and won't go further to second, where, I expect, Ranma will be made to go to school as a girl for another flimsy reason. Which I didn't have the will to stomach.

I won't be coming back to check for any replies (didn't read the other comments either) on purpose, so don't bother flaming/replying (this applies to both the author and other readers).

Good luck and take care,

Lal