|Reviews for Memoria|
| Ms. No-Account chapter 1 . 8/13/2013
Soo.. all that was utterly pointless.
Besides the writing feeling stilted, they were all so OOC, I couldn't be bothered to take any of it seriously. I mean, really? One comment and Torn schemes to force Jak to a funeral that has nothing to do with him about someone he never met in order to make him feel guilty? Thats a really shitty thing to have him do to two kids. Especially since Torn treats them two no better. -_-;
And that feeling happy about waking them up when they were obviously tired from a mission they completed on his behalf? Harsh.
“He'd chew him out for thirty minutes, wring his neck just for the hell of it, and then throw him out. Permanently.”
Hm. Not a very mature reaction. An overreaction really.
“The Underground didn't need people who couldn't look beyond the tip of their own nose.”
Uhh, yeah they do since they get killed left and right and, quote, “take anyone with a pulse these days”. :\
“Jak was obviously annoyed at being told what to do,”
But you write this: “"Up you two. Now," he bit out. They both shot up obediently,” B
“Torn had the uncomfortable feeling she'd point out how like Jak he'd been at age seventeen.”
Psh. Uh-huh. You were exactly the same as Jak at that age, having gone through culture shock and your own Dark Eco treatment for two years straight too. Especially after having time-traveled from your home in the past where you didn't fight with weapons, only your bare fists and sometimes eco. -_-
“There wasn't much he could do to hide his tattooes, or his hair so he didn't try.”
So you’re making him just walk out with nothing hiding his face. The leader of the Underground who the KG want dead, is going out with a simple /hat/. Brilliant.
“They'd woken up to horrors before. Woken up cornered before. Kids that young shouldn't.”
But he has no problem dragging them to a funeral to try and make them feel bad about a death that had nothing to do with them, because Torn’s allowed to treat Jak and Dax like crap but he doesn’t want attitude in return for his own.
“The knife was out and Daxter on the end of its less desirable feature in under two seconds. Jak hadn't even had time to touch his morph gun before a second knife was at his throat as well.”
Yeah. Waaay too much of a stretch to make me believe Jak isn’t as swift if not faster than Torn with the speed you need for those damn missions (did you play these games at all?). Jak’d already have his gun digging into Torn’s belly before he raised another arm to stick a knife up at him in afterthought. Not mention that entire childhood Jak had, honing those skills. -_- You’re not really trying to make this believable.
"But those were his soldiers that Jak had belittled and those men and women had deserved better than that."
Speaking of "belittling", what did Torn say upon simply meeting the two? "Go join the circus." Yeah. Then he ran them ragged with suicide missions and took the credit for the effort.
Jak was right. They /should/ be able to handle themselves, 'cause apparently only the “best” can even join up or they get turned away like Jak almost did!
“The aftermath, he'd never considered in any detail”
Jak more than likely /has/ contemplated that these people have friends, families and loved ones cuz he has those things too, he's not fucking brain-dead. They joined up anyway, and no one forced them to, what's feeling bad about every single person's death gonna accomplish? Not ousting the Baron, that's what. Yunno, the cause they died for to begin with?
And why do you have Torn visiting all these funerals anyway? Yes, it's respectful and decent of him, but apparently the war’s cake as he's got loads of spare time on his hands to loiter around all these services.
“The young man was plainly guilty, uncomfortable and somber.”
Why? Why do you write Jak like this? He has absolutely no damn reason to feel this way. What, “oh an underground guy I never met died. Now I feel so guilty about not causing his death.” If you really kept what you said about Jak not meaning his hard words, he wouldn’t feel this way because he wouldn’t be thinking on it. He’d be going “why the fuck did Torn drag me here?” not “oh, and that meaningless comment I made makes me a bad guy cuz I’m at a guy’s funeral”.
“Perhaps this hadn't been his most thought through plan Torn considered” Yeah. No shit. You agree it was a stupid-ass plot device. Don’t give me that “it was to make sure he didn’t lose his humanity” bullshit. You had Torn order Jak into going to a funeral because Torn wanted to “teach him a lesson”, simply because Jak was two things he hated most in the entire world apparently, teenagers and getting lip. Petty reasons make for a flat story, man.
Did Torn ever think Jak's "tough guy" persona, that "attitude" he hates so much, might be a way to distance himself from the people of a city that threw him in prison immediately upon entry, and then tortured him for two years straight in the DW program, only to be sentenced to death at the end of it? You know, a way to keep himself safe? No. I didn't think you'd write him that way. He would’ve died in obscurity, and /he/ wouldn’t have even gotten a funeral.
Jak somehow feeling obligated to apologize to /Torn/ of all people (instead of, I don’t know, some dead UG members’ family) for a dumb comment before another shitty mission was just the lowest point of this drabble. I cringed at the unneeded-ness of it.
And then you add insult to injury with this utter shit: “Torn didn't deny it. Nor did he praise it. Jak was right, and surprisingly more mature for admitting it.” They’re in a damn war! “Oh I better watch what I say or I’ll hurt someones feelings!” Heaven forbid! Better keep my opinions to myself before Torn tries to make me feel bad about /everyone’s/ death. 9_9
Summary: Writer has Torn get all butthurt over canon dialog about Underground members needing to be able to watch out for themselves, because they’re fighting in a war Jak’s practically winning single-handedly, and might get their feelings hurt if they heard Jak say they should be qualifying for this type of work in the first place. The kind of thing Torn gave them shit about in the beginning of the game the writer is completely going to ignore for the sake of bad!fic. She has Torn drag an uncharacteristically cruel Jak and Dax to some generic funeral they’re supposed to feel bad and guilty about. Then we get a cheap, unsatisfying ending (that practically did a complete 180 from the start) and nothing changes, making the whole damn story pointless and a waste of time to read. The end.
| DarkEcoFreak chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
Hahaha… I love stealing those zoomers… nice one-shot! I liked it!
| Din Kelion chapter 1 . 1/12/2007
Wow. I'm at a lost of words that could describe how inspiring that fan fiction was like. It was perfect. Absolutaly.
And your portral of Torn- brilliant... absolutally. I mean, there is only a handful of people that manage to depict a character's personality so solidly.
For a moment, I would have imagined that the short segment of Torn's history was the real deal. Wow, I really liked reading this... now I'm going to see what else you have written to bath in it.
Still... simply... amazing!
| TheFennecFox chapter 1 . 11/8/2006
Cool. I like it. It's good.
| myeerah chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
Very nicely done, overall. I quite like your portrayal of Torn—he generally needs a little more compassion, such as you've shown. It wasn't difficult to follow, but you might consider sticking with one viewpoint; it's more aesthetically pleasing and involves less mental backtracking.
| mecca-dog chapter 1 . 2/20/2006
I liked the way you portrayed Torn, it made him seem compationate and ,dare I say it, lovable! (okay, so I'm a huge fan any ways, so sue me ;D) Oh, and I have the problem of only being able to write Jak as a jerk too. ah well, he did need smacked when he said that! nice story!
| HappySalesman chapter 1 . 2/18/2006
good job, great chapter, a few mistakes but nobodys perfect, that was really good, showed a side of jak that wasn't normally thought about. but um, is this goign to continue? or was it just a oneshot?
| stargazer86 chapter 1 . 2/17/2006
This was very cute. I liked it a lot. lol.
| Ecohorse chapter 1 . 2/17/2006
Interesting piece of work. Very diffrent, but I liked it a lot. I dont think that any of them was out of character and youve managed to get a very somber felling to it, but without it getting depressive. Very impressive. Good job!