|Reviews for Waking up alone|
| renderedvoice chapter 3 . 5/25/2008
Aww, this hasn't been updated in awhile. Such a good start, too. ;-;
| Little Miss Loved chapter 3 . 2/9/2007
oo la la
I'm loving the suspense here!
| kc-archive chapter 3 . 8/16/2006
Just to start off, I really love this story. Especially the first chapter! It creates a heartwarming and smooth atmosphere. :) Also, I’m scrunching my review of all three chapters into one. Hope you don’t mind! Anywho, time for some concrit! You asked to be fair and honest, so that’s what I’ll do. My apologies if this review gets too…alarmingly long!
“And she missed Him.” –I saw this and other instances of capitalizing the “h” in chapter one, and though you might be trying to play it up a bit, it does make one feel like she’s talking about God. It’s just a little awkward, though nothing too major. I only suggest you change it to a lowercase pronoun instead of capitalizing like you would for God.
For chapter two, you might want to consider breaking up the dialogue in your paragraphs. For example, you could break up the first paragraph like this:
“Good morning, Sophia!” Boomed Peppita’s voice from the door, just after the soft hiss of the door opening.
Sophia sat up, her usual bright smile forming on her face. She pushed all her deep thoughts into the back of her head, dismissing them and concentrating on her usual overjoyed image. ”Morning!” She replied, jumping out of bed.
”You weren’t still sleeping, were you?” Peppita asked while marching into her room with no hesitation.
”No, I just woke up and ... well, I was kind of thinking about stuff”, Sophia answered, standing near the edge of the bed, stretching out the last bits of sleep from her body.
Peppita giggled. ”Yeah, yeah, we know all about those.” She giggled some more. ”Anyway, we’re supposed to have a meeting in a while, so hurry up and get to the conference room!”
Paragraphs are formed when you split up points of view, dialogue, or just situations in general. It can tricky, though, because on the flip side one might accidentally put in too many breaks. Just be careful and work at it, rereading your stuff to see if it flows correct!
“And then, after 15 minutes of hurried dressing up…” –As a general form of proper writing, all numbers under 100 should always be written out. Instead of “15” it’d be “fifteen”. :)
”Better late then never”, -When it comes to quotation marks, the punctuation should always go inside of them. I saw this little mistake a couple other times, too. Also, when comparing two things, the “then” should change to “than”. For instance, if someone said “Because THEN we will go to the cafeteria,” the “then” would stay the same; it’s not comparing anything, but being used as a form of time. If someone said “Our cafeteria is better THAN the other school’s,” then you would change it to “then.” I hope I haven’t made it too hard to understand! So anyway, the sentence should look like this: “Better late than never,” …
“She instantly changed her giddy mental images into serious comprehension, when she pondered on seeing him again.” –A lot of people seem to have trouble with commas and the correct placement of them (me included!), so all I can say here is that try and watch the flow carefully of each sentence. If it seems too choppy or rough, or a little disturbed at some point, chances are you need to snip at least one comma, like in this case.
“She bitch slapped herself mentally,” –Okay, that made me laugh! XD
“…about Runic chess!” –Since “Runic Chess” is the actual name of a game, both Runic AND Chess would be capitalized. :)
Typo! “realised” should be “realized.” Don’t worry—it’s a common mistake. (Can you tell I’m reviewing as I read?)
“He was a Champion of the Moronic Grin.” –For this, “champion” shouldn’t be capitalized, since it isn’t part of the proper noun “Moronic Grin.”
Very nice story! I absolutely adore it, and you simply MUST continue! Fave and Alert. :) Just let me know if you find something you didn’t like in my review. Oh! And don’t be shy about replying! Trust me on this—if I was nice enough to analyze your whole story and give you a nice long synopsis, I’m nice enough to strike conversation with! :D
By the way, (as a shameless way of self-advertising) if you're looking for some more Alphia's, I've got about a million under my belt. XD So check 'em out!
| rice8369 chapter 3 . 3/7/2006
yeah, sophia is going back to elicoor II, yeah, she is finally going to meet albel. i wonder where you will put them to meet. i wonder how albel is doing now... hehe. can't wait for ur next update...
| keeki chapter 3 . 3/7/2006
One word of advice whenever a different character speaks separate it into paragaraphs. It just makes the story look more professional and it also makes it easier to read.
Cliff - The Champion of Moronic Grins - funny, and so true
| Dragon Chyld chapter 3 . 3/7/2006
I think if I were Sophia I would be a bit freaked to wake up and see Cliff laughing at me (but that made me laugh too). Well, looks like things are definitely going to get interesting when they get to Elicoor.
| Blue Persuasion chapter 3 . 3/6/2006
A kingdom for a camera
Hehehe great line!
I agree with Lily - it might be better to start a new line when another person talks - but it's still good so keep going!
And I don't know what Cliff's up to but I'm a rabid Clirage fan so this chapter made me smile. I guess now Sophia doesn't have to worry about an excuse to stay on Elicoor. But I still have to wonder what exactly it is Cliff is having Sophia to pick up. I wonder if she'll be a curious and open it... I guess I'll have to wait and see :D
Oh, and you don't have to reply to my reviews. I usually don't reply unless the reviewer has a question. Mostly I do what you do and thank people in the author's note. :D
| LilyGinnyBlack chapter 3 . 3/6/2006
Lol! Short but sweet! :D The only suggestion I have, is that, when a character talks a new paragraph is formed. So, instead of having:
”Yup, a favor.” He replied. ”Something difficult? She asked, doubting his seriousness.
It should look like this:
"Yup, a favor." He replied.
"Something difficult?" She asked, doubting his seriousness.
Other than that though, great job! I loved Cliff in this chapter and the plot is enough to peak my interest. Oh, and don't worry, I don't bite. I empathize with your fear of posting fanfiction, but, after a while, that fear goes away and you'll be able to reply to reviews. Keep up the good work! :)
| Axel's Heartless chapter 2 . 3/5/2006
All I have to say is this: More please
| LilyGinnyBlack chapter 2 . 3/5/2006
I've read both chapters and I'm really likeing this story so far. :) All the characters seem in character and the plot intrigues me. So please continue, I would love to see where you take this fanfic! :D
| Dragon Chyld chapter 2 . 3/5/2006
This is cute with a nice twist from other Alphia stories. It will be fun to see what happens when they get to Elicoor.
| keeki chapter 2 . 3/4/2006
Oi~ the images of Albel and pink fluffy bunnies, oi~ the cuteness!
I liked the interaction between Fayt and Sophia, he seems to know her the best. Well he is her childhood friend and all.
Ooh please continue.
| rice8369 chapter 1 . 3/3/2006
another alphia story.. yeah.. i do like the beginning.. so fayt didnt choose albel's path, but how would sophia know him? please continue.
| Blue Persuasion chapter 1 . 3/3/2006
Don't let it bother you if you want to write about a pairing if that's what you like. Not everyone will like it but it's their option to read or not. For a first fanfic you really have a good start. The writing is good. I'm not the best at picking out flaws and I didn't notice any. And I like Sophia and I really like the way you write about her. She's underrated and it's good to see a new fic with her POV.
Of course I told Peppita no so I could go back for Albel - I missed the PA to have him show at the training grounds. And a few small details I liked were first Sophia's paired with Mirage - Mirage is my first fav character followed by Sophia. Then Fayt also misses him which just hits right (there seems to be a respect between the two - Albel strived to be better then Fayt and Fayt accepts Albel easier then the others do in the game).
I have no idea where you are going with this, but I sill keep an eye out on this. Like I said, your writing is good so I would be a shame to leave this as a one-shot.
| keeki chapter 1 . 3/2/2006
So is this an Albel x Sophia, because if it is I think it's very cute. I liked the implied relationship between the two, and it's interesting thinking about why she would wake up to his voice. You should continue, I think you have something here because you've already caught my interest. I wonder where Albel is and why Sophia misses him so much?
The only word of advice I can think of right now is you could try to make your chapters longer. Other than that I'd just like to say keep it up! And I'm happy to see another Alphia writer here, we could always use more good Alphia fics :)