|Reviews for Grey Maiden I: Philosopher's Stone|
| Hodemi chapter 12 . 8/19/2011
Not sure why you're not planning to pair Harry with Hermione, as she is his best friend and really the only girl worthy of him.
Even worse news, you're planning to pair Harry with Slutty!Stalking!Fangurrl!Ginny.
Time to ditch this story, a shame as it was quite good up to this point.
I only started reading this story because it came under the Harry and Hermione pairing. You should change its advertised pairing to Harry and Ginny, to prevent people like me who despise the Harry/Ginny pairing from wasting their time on it.
| LordAnarchy666 chapter 5 . 7/26/2011
"I'd rather not get chummy with the son of a Death Eater." - There goes half his house then, and those are probably the more dangerous people. Smart going, alienating yourself so early.
"Because you're a Slytherin!" she yelled illogically - Illogically is right. The interactions between them just don't make any sense at all, and these two people are supposedly intelligent.
I don't get it. At all. First day of class, and the house rivalry is already way overdone. You've actually written it well I suppose, when you say "looked as if Harry had announced an intention to go Muggle-hunting". You've written it all illogically and stuff, and then you go on and say that in the story that it doesn't make any sense... so why have it at all? It just reads like very bad characterization to me. The moment when he confronts Ron in the hallway is very cringeworthy. No one in the whole of Hogwarts give Harry the benefit of the doubt, no one can even think of their own opinion.
But I continue on, supposedly the second story is a lot better from what I've heard, but I won't know until I get there. This chapter was very hard to stomach though.
| LordAnarchy666 chapter 4 . 7/26/2011
Just a few things that stood out:
"Harry guessed at least two children had graduated from Hogwarts already." - Really?
"He spotted the same bushy-haired girl he'd seen in the bookstore cast a disapproving glance at him. She had obviously seen him perform magic." - Again, really?
Continuing on I come to the realization that the Harry/Hermione interactions are some of the worst I have ever read. You've given them both the ability to figure out random, trivial things before they are officially told in story, and its painful to read. Example: Hermione figuring out Harry is Harry Potter. Really? It's to hard to just introduce himself as such so you have Hermione figure it out based on a few sentences he said.
Plus you still have that omnipresent, telegraphing, poor foreshadowing technique going on. Example: Mentioning that 'Harry had a feeling that Godric's house wasn't for him.' So, are we supposed to be surprised now when he isn't in Gryffindor?
And not to mention the immediate conflict with Draco, which was setup conveniently a few sentences before by mentioning how Dressler saved Lily from Lucius. You know, you don't have to give away every plot device, building some suspense and mystery is alright. I guess its just a matter of time before a confrontation with Ron and a poor interaction with Hermione. That has me worried a lot because the pairing is listed as HP/HG, so far, between the Draco stuff and the Hermione stuff, it just seems so forced. It could have, should have gone a lot smoother.
There's a lot more to be said, but I'll read the next chapter and hopefully I'll see some improvement in the characterizations.
| LordAnarchy666 chapter 3 . 7/25/2011
I liked this chapter well enough. As I mentioned in my review for the last chapter, the whole blood magic/why Harry survived/Dursleys stuff just seems unnecessary at this early stage of the story. This is the kind of fic that could have got away without mentioning the Dursleys at all.
Other than that, the only other thing that irked me a bit was Snape's reaction, but I suppose that is sort of canon.
Also, there's a tad too much foreshadowing I feel. Somehow Harry caught a glimpse of the Stone already, Daphne somehow knows of a prophecy regarding Harry, and Ollivander mentioned 'the mark of destiny'... it just seems a tad excessive.
At least the shopping sequence was fairly normal, not over the top, and part of the story.
| LordAnarchy666 chapter 2 . 7/25/2011
A bit too much conjecture in this chapter, but not bad overall. Daphne assumes too much on blood magic, Harry's relatives, and what Dumbledore would have done. As far as the reader sees, Dumbledore doesn't (and can't) know anything around how Harry survived, so the infodump about the blood magic seems very out of place. As far as the reader sees, Daphne hasn't talked to Dumbledore about that night at all, and the line "Fortunately, he decided not to interfere." just doesn't feel right. How does she know what Dumbledore decided? AD and Daphne both seem to know a little bit too much about the situation, almost like omnipresence, which is because they are both written by the same person and it shows.
I'm surprised it didn't take longer before Harry got his letter, but I'm thankful the meat of the story is starting so quick. His friends just didn't seem very interesting. Also, while at first thought when I read that Harry had learned a few spells I was hesitant, but then I a concluded to myself that that was fine because those are essentially the very basic of basic spells, and kids (regardless of the truth) are going to think that Harry is something special.
On to the next chapter.
| LordAnarchy666 chapter 1 . 7/25/2011
Hagrid's reaction when AD and MM show up is a little over the top I think, and not very believable. And Dressler's apprehension of Dumbledore seems pretty random right now and kind of forced, as is the prediction of knowing what he would do with Harry. I'm a bit apprehensive myself, of continuing when it was shown that Dressler would be bringing him to Canada of all places. I'm not a big fan of random OC's taking Harry to random places before Hogwarts starts, it seems a bit contrived. But this story series is long and I need something to entertain myself, the writing itself is pretty good and seems planed out, so continue on I shall.
Also, Elphias' last name is 'Doge' not 'Dodge'.
| The Nomadic Ruler chapter 15 . 7/24/2011
Great story. my eyes even got wet, which does not happen often.
| alix33 chapter 12 . 7/5/2011
"At the edge of the forest, they met a frantic-looking McGonagall and a concerned-looking Snape. Both paled when they saw Harry and Hermione unconscious. "What is wrong with Potter, Hagrid? What happened?" Snape demanded. "Dunno, Professor. Ran inter whatever was killin' the unicorns, sommat Dark. Found these two unconscious near the dead unicorn." McGonagall, if it was possible, paled further. "Dead unicorn? Something had been killing the unicorns? And you sent students after it? Hagrid, are you mad!" "Obviously," Snape replied," - I totally agree with prof. McGonagall about Hagrid, however much I like him.
"I shudder to think of what Daphne would do to me if she knew," Severus said after a long pause." Dumbledore nodded. "As cool and collected as she can be, she spares no expense in defending her friends and family. I doubt she would allow you to live. And I doubt that I could stop her." - I cannot wait.
| alix33 chapter 11 . 7/5/2011
"So then Potter says…WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?" Ron bellowed. Harry smirked up at him. "Greetings, Weasleys," Harry drawled. After spending so much time with Tonks, his desire to mess with other people's heads had grown. "I don't recall saying that, actually." "What are you doing-" Fred began. "-in our Common Room?" George demanded. Harry smiled pleasantly at them. "I was dragged in here by Hermione. I'm not completely sure why, I could have waited for her…oh, here she comes." Sure enough, Hermione came pounding down the stairs, carrying a massive book. Ron turned on her. "What do you think you are doing, inviting a Slytherin into our Common Room? Have you no sense?" Harry snorted. He glared at him. "Think this is funny, do you?" "Yes," Harry admitted, casually getting up. Hermione gestured for him to sit, and he sat back down. "You asking some one else if they have no sense is quite amusing, actually. Don't you agree?" he said, turning to Fred and George. They smiled evilly at him. "Oh yes-" said George. "-After all-" said Fred. "-We suspect that-" "-Ickle Ronniekins-" "-was dropped on his head as a baby," they finished together. "I can't believe you are taking his side!" Ron cried indignantly. Hermione finally reached their location, and set the book down on the table. It hit with a lump THUMP that rattled the table. "Blimey Granger-" Fred said. "-are you going to kill someone with that?" George asked. She scowled at them. "Only your brother if he doesn't keep quiet." "I'm not going away until he leaves." He drew his wand as he spoke, but it was pointing at the floor. Harry decided now was as good a time as any to show off his new toy, and he flicked his wrist, sending his holly and phoenix feather wand in his right hand, which was pointing at Ron. He winked, before sliding the wand back up his robe sleeve, where it clicked back into the holster. Ron stomped off, infuriated," - GR! IMO, Ron Weasley deserves his worth- and useless skull being pulverised into snot.
| alix33 chapter 10 . 7/5/2011
"they probably would even look at his marks." - "would not even look".
"Daphne started laughing again. After she had calmed down, she began cleaning up the mess from the gifts, when she called over. "Harry, you missed one." Harry walked over and took the very light gift. He picked the note off the gift and saw it was for him, then he opened the gift. As the people around him gasped, Harry read the note that accompanied whatever it was. Your Father left this in my possession before he died. It's time I return it to you. Happy Christmas. "Bloody hell," Tonks swore. "That's an invisibility cloak!" Harry looked confused, and his puzzlement deepened when he saw the tears in Daphne's eyes. "It was James's," Daphne said quietly, her eyes glistening with tears. "I saw him disappear under that thing so often at Hogwarts. I never thought I'd see it again." - AW!
| alix33 chapter 9 . 7/5/2011
"The stories that Ron made up about being under Harry's wand would have humorous if everyone hasn't believed them." - "would have been humorous".
"Harry Potter, nice to meet you. I'm Nyphadora Tonks, but please, just call me Tonks. I can't stand 'Nymphadora,'" she said, making a face. "And why would you dislike the name that I chose for you, my beautiful Nymphadora," Andromeda said, standing in the doorway. "I ask again, mother. Were you tipsy when you chose that name?" Tonks asked." - Tonks asked that question IMO in a very polite manner. IF I had a name foisted on me that I hated by either one of MY parents, I would have wanted to know what kind of drugs they were on at the time of giving said name.
| alix33 chapter 6 . 7/3/2011
"All too often the perpetrator seemed to be that piece of flobberworm mucus named Ronald Weasley," - What an apt description of Ronald Weasley.
"He spared a glance at Hermione, who looked quite worried, and she nodded politely. Ron scowled and began immediately demanding some information from her. To everyone's surprise, Hermione slapped him hard across the face, almost knocking him over. With a glance back at Harry, she proceeded to take a spot much closer to the Slytherins, standing next to Daphne Greengrass. Ron, his cheek red, looked livid. Hermione gave him a glance that more or less implied sticking her tongue out." - Well done, Hermione.
| alix33 chapter 4 . 7/3/2011
“She showed him Madam Puddifoot's teashop, pointing it out as a place for when he was a bit older, causing Harry to blush brightly and Daphne to grin widely. She also pointed out Honeydukes Sweet Shop, which Harry was excited to visit. He was annoyed when he learned that it was only during third year that students could visit Hogmeade.” – AW!
“She walked up to the gargoyle and frowned, realizing she didn't know the password. Then she walked up, laid her hand on the gargoyle's snout, and said, "Frederick, I believe I have someone that Professor Dumbledore very much desires to meet." Harry gave her a questioning look, which she returned with a reassuring glance. The gargoyle moved to the side and she took Harry, leading him up the spiral staircase to an office she had visited rarely as a Hogwarts student and often as an Order member.” – And how does the gargoyle feel about having half of the Weasley twins as a namesake? Not well chuffed, I would wager.
"9 inches, dragon heartstring, willow, very stiff." Harry took the wand and waved it, causing a tank of water to explode. Ollivander took the wand back. "I think not." – Who fixed (reparo-ed) the water tank, though?
"I gather Skeeter is a journalist." "That's a polite way of putting it.” – By the very loosest of definitions only, IMO, is Rita Skeeter a journalist.
“I suggest you use this time to smarten up a bit before the Sorting." Harry uselessly tried to get his hair to behave, but it was a losing battle. "I can never get it flat," he growled. To his surprise, McGonagall laughed. "Neither could your father." – AW!
“He had just bitten into a roll when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see Draco Malfoy, and his eyes narrowed. The blond-haired pureblood looked taken aback. "Have we met before, Potter?" he asked. Harry noted that Crabbe and Goyle were standing behind him. "No. What do you want?" Harry asked. "Well, I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Draco Malfoy, and this is Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. You've been living out of the country, I know, so you probably don't know this. There are certain types of wizards that are better than others. You don't want to get involved with the wrong sort. I can help you there," he said, extending his hand. Harry looked at it liked he was diseased. "And why exactly would I accept advice on the worth of wizards from the likes of you?" Harry asked. What little color that was in Malfoy's face drained. "What did you mean by that, Potter?" Harry met his eyes. "I meant that you are the scion of a Death Eater. One that nearly killed my mother, and one that used his wealth to bribe his way out of Azkaban," Harry replied evenly, subtly reaching into his robes, his fingers closing around his wand. Malfoy's surprised look gave way to fury. "Why you dirty…" Malfoy said nothing more before Harry had shoved the tip of his wand into the hollow of the pureblood's neck, doing his best to remain unnoticed by the Head Table. It wouldn't do to have a fight on the first night, but with this boy, certain ground-rules needed to be established. "Back off, Malfoy," Harry said coolly. Malfoy looked outraged. "How dare you? Get that bloody wand off of me." Harry obliged, but kept it pointing at him. Crabbe and Goyle were looking rather upset. "You probably don't know half the spells I know," the blonde scoffed. As Lucius's heir, Draco almost certainly had significant prior training. So did Harry. "And I was raised by Daphne Dressler. Name ring a bell?" – Well said, Harry.
| alix33 chapter 2 . 7/3/2011
“She was shook out of her daze by the sight of a rather old, ragged-looking house-elf. However, the small creature's feature's lit up when he saw her standing in the doorway. "Mistress Daphne, ma'am," the house-elf bowed low, "It is so good to be seeing you again. Who is the small master?" "This is Harry, Yonky, Harry Potter." "Mistress Lily's son, ma'am?" the house-elf asked, his eyes lighting up in excitement. "Yes, Yonky. Could you take care of him while I make preparations? I plan to leave England for our home in Newfoundland." "Yes, Yonky knows how to take care of small masters. Yonky took care of Master Edmond when he was much smaller. Yonky was very sad indeed to hear of Master Edmond's passing," the house-elf said, sniffing into its otherwise neat pillowcase.” – I think I like Yonky loads.
"Floppy, I'm taking Harry away now. We won't be back for a long time." The house-elf looked crestfallen. Apparently, she had fallen in love with the small black-haired baby. "Very well, Mistress Daphne. Floppy and Yonky will take care of the house while Mistress Daphne and Master Harry are gone." – AW, poor Floppy!
“the Lighting Charm, a necessity” – This muggle yearned with all of her heart for that charm when she lugged home four cloth bags of groceries, plus a handbag over her shoulder, Saturday. Everything from my spine outwards on my upper body ached!
| the.stories.live.on chapter 15 . 6/13/2011
I was pretty impressed by the changes you made to the protections on the stone. They made a lot more sense than the canon ones. Also, your arguments for Ginny are some of the best I have heard. My general dislike of her is that J.K. didn't develop her enough, but I think yu are the first one to convince me to like Ginny. Your explanations of her character really struck me. While Ginny/Harry isn't my favorite pairing (that would probably fall to Luna/Harry, just love them) Your arguments might actually make me be able to stand them.
Anyway, enough of that. I love Daphne. Her character is complex, interesting, and she is just an all around bad ass. I'm also liking your Harry. A lot of times I don't like Slytherin Harry stories, but as I've mentioned before, you make it make sense.