|Reviews for The Stop|
| Artyfan chapter 6 . 5/14/2010
This has become interesting, update!
| monkey123 chapter 6 . 7/4/2008
i love it!
can't wait for you to update!
so do it soon!
i'll be waiting!
definately a favourite!
| Super Reader chapter 6 . 6/14/2007
You haven't updated since last year! Aw crud. Come on! Please! I love this story and want to know what happens! The same goes for your other story. The Cinderella one.
| radiobeans chapter 6 . 9/27/2006
Update ;_; And good luck with your studies (:
B-t-w, I'm a geek, so I found it my duty to tell you this. 200 volts of electricity is hardly fatal. Only when the voltage gets above 350 does it start getting sort-of fatal. :)
P.S. Carrots! :hides:
| Naked Revenge chapter 6 . 9/24/2006
lol. this is funny. i can't wait to see the torture! muahahhaha! not to mention the fluff, which there will be right?
| Dreaming-Cat-369 chapter 6 . 9/15/2006
oh you are so mean why will you not write more of a fun story? please? i love the pairings by the way!
| hollybridgetpeppermint chapter 6 . 9/10/2006
YAY! THAT WAS HYSTERICAL! ABSOULTELY LUV THE PAIRINGS AND CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPPIE! UPDATE SOON OR YOU'LL BE EATEN BY MY PET GIANT MARSHMALLOW!
| Acelinn chapter 6 . 8/17/2006
Woot Woot! Let the game begin! I can't wait till they play Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Torture, Kiss or Promise! (I love that game!)
Please update the story soon! I'm waiting...
| Blue-Stardust chapter 6 . 8/4/2006
Hi! It's really kinda funny! So Artemis and Holly are going to kiss each other? That'd be cool
| Wolfheart Dragonwing chapter 6 . 7/12/2006
| Ocean Eyes chapter 6 . 7/9/2006
Woah! This is good! Update soon please! I love Holly/Artimes!
| Izzfrogger chapter 6 . 6/27/2006
| Susanna Anna Hannah Potter chapter 3 . 6/26/2006
O.K., don't take all this personally, I give a heck of a lot of constructive critisism when I feel it is needed. If you don't want critisism, or you think I'm flaming, skip this review, OK?
Right. Chapter one.
"‘Wait a sec Holly’ and left the communicator on the bed" would sound far better, and make more sence as "‘Wait a sec Holly’ He said, and left the communicator on the bed while he went to answer the phone" or something like that.
Description of the voice other than 'God like' is needed. How does a voice sound God like? Seeing as we have never (well, I havn't) had many phone calls from Gods lately, we don't actually know what it sounds like. And God has a capital letter btw.
"Forgetting Holly was there he jumped then wishing Holly didn’t see that."
tences are pretty sqewif there. Should be "Then wished Holly hadn't seen it"
Comma after 'fine' and 'saying'. 'It's' is more natural when speaking than 'it is' and it's more readable. comma after 'anyway'.
Just having 'Bye' is pretty blunt and not very friendly. Won't Holly say 'bye' too? Or a see you soon? And it would sound better if you said something like 'Bye!' said Artemis as he closed the communicator and watched Holly's face fade away" or something.
"Cutting the connection line she looked around her office to see if she left anything behind." that's good
"She walks out to see Mulch about to eat a muffin." It should be walked, your tences are going crazy again.
This chapter feels very skelington-like. You need to build on it, give it more detail, more description of the freezing like state. it has the potental to be a very gripping first chapter, but at the momment, it isn't. O.K.?
"Holy looked carefully at Mulch, he was frozen with the muffin. She raced out side the PI office to find everyone else on the street was frozen as well." that's good, but it could be better. Having a dramatic momment like that could be described using far more imagary. Describe the suddenly quiet street, the frozen people. You could do a really good paragraph there.
"‘What is happening?’ she thought then TING! A light blubs appeared above her head." Better as "What's happening?", a 'frantically' after 'thought' is more effective, a full stop or comma after thought, although I think it should be a full stop, be warey of comma splicing. Put TING! on the line below, and take out 'then'. "A light blubs appeared above her head." It should be bulb, and it took me ages to realise that it was a metaphore. Make it more certain. "It felt as if a lightbulb had appeared above her head, as a possible explaination came to her."
"FOALY! He better know what is happening." should be "FOALY! she thought. He'd better know what's happening.
"Foaly was on the computer playing solitaire. When he saw Holly outside his office"
Take out the full stop. It should be one sentence.
it should be screamed, not screaming.
"He ran out side to see everyone was like what they had looked like in the screen." could be really improved.
"He ran outside, and to his horror he saw a silent street. No-one moved. Petrified people, as if suddenly turned to ice. Just what the screen had told him."
although obviously slightly better.
and to improve the next line -
"There was a movement. Not everyone had been affected by this mysterious plague. Holly Short was there, and her face was a colour that one Julius root would be proud of."
Next three lines, OK.
"Stuttering Foaly couldn’t believe he was going to say this. ‘I don’t know’"
would be better as "Foaly blanched as a deep realisation hit him. "I...I...I'm not entirely sure." he stuttered, turning to the computer to hide his blushing face."
"Just then Julius said ’A other world record captured on film.’"
It would be better with:
"A dry chuckle came from behind. "Another world record captured on film." Holly and foaly turned to see the smug, and apparantly concious Commander, still in his blue hostpital nightgown."
And then have Root telling them how he's recovered.
"Rushing to Ops both to find Foaly screaming Opal. He thought is was good to video tape this and it was. Now he has to up lift his game of the face colour. Mental Note- Ask Holly how she does it." Sort out the grammer and tences. It should read
"He rushed to Op's booth to find Foaly screaming Opal's name."
What is with the camera? A coma victim is not given a camera. And if he's woken up, why on earth would he think "Oh look at that. I've woken up from a near death experience and for all I know, everyone could be dead from that attack Opal launched. I know! I'll nab this camera that just so happens to be here!"
"His parents were frozen stiff after kissing him on the cheek from returning from their holidays." OK... could be improved...
"Artemis instantly knew the caller had something to do with this" Obviously! He is a genius! I think my extremely stupid little brother would be able to peice that one together.
"He didn’t know even if he knew everything in the world he would still never be able to escape from… the god." That sentence doesn't actually make much sense. You need comma's, and you need alternative words. Two 'knews' make it very confusing reading. Again, God has a capital letter.
I had to do this review out of a sheer urge to be an obsessive compulsive, and rewrite this whole story. I can't be bothered to do the rest of the chapters right now, I will another time if you want. Your chapters are very short, but that wasn't my main concern. You NEED a beta.
Reading a fic that is completely chop-a-block with errors is no fun. Compaire these to sentences:
It extrmly helpfull. to use tis oportuity to coments on an aspect of the story.
that cn b impved.
It is extremely helpful to use this opportunity to comment on an aspect of the story that can be improved
(the sentence at the bottom of this window - I was feeling to lazy to think of one)
I feel like an English teacher here. I hope you don't mind my critisism, I love getting it because it helps me become a better writer and I can take it. I know some people don't, so if thats the case, then I did warn you. The plot has a lot of potential, but the writing is in dire need of improvement.
However, how old are you?
Anyways, I'll shut up now.
Susanna Anna Hannah Potter
~At your service~
| Esahc the Foolish Coyote chapter 6 . 6/22/2006
glad you updated, nice chappy but it could have use more atemis torture
| Annie-morphs chapter 6 . 6/21/2006
This was pretty funny and good. XD I loved Julius's reaction.
And Foaly thinking only about being hungry and carrots. Typical cantuar eh?
Well, i guess all the characters were pretty mcuh in character So great job. ) Update as soon as u can! I wanna know what happens during the truth or dare game. I hope Holly and Artemis are dared to kiss. 0D XD