|Reviews for Echoes|
| machievelli chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
Supposed to have been posted 21 October 2011, at and the Coruscant Entertainment Center in my The Critic's Two Cents. but I had problems with my computer, and flaked on attaching these reviews to the original story threads for the last year. Everyone say; 'Mach is a flake, Mach is a yo-yo'. Better yet (Waves hand) 'Mach is trying, but he's still a flake'.
Post KOTOR: Carth has what he wants, but considering his past, he's not sure
Ignoring the slash commentary, if you merely mentally consider Revan to be a woman, it flows very well either way. The idea that Revan is remembering things like planets not on any other chart is of course alarming, since there is no mention that this information is being passed on to the Jedi or Republic military.
| Dlvvanzor chapter 1 . 11/3/2011
I loved Revan's quirks so much, lol.
| tmelange chapter 1 . 8/7/2008
Excellent! I like the undertone of impending doom. LOL Bravo!
| Freesourceful chapter 1 . 12/31/2007
Hey there! I know this was written awhile back and your style and skills have both moved on, but I really enjoy your writing, and just wanted to throw a few feedback comments your way, anyway. :)
To start with, I think this is a story centered on tension, and specifically contradiction as the main theme. This is not resolved in the end. Carth, who is the main p.o.v., has the heavy stakes of both his happiness and the person he most cares about in the galaxy potentially disappearing at any moment. This isn’t corroborated by anything else in the story itself, nor by Revan, but the lingering paranoia is the source of the conflict of the story.
Right away you establish that Carth’s dilemma is between his own nature and the experience of happiness. We then spend a few paragraphs in summary, but with consistent reminders of the juxtapositions of experience that made Carth this way. The use of contrast, happy memories with bad ones, are well laid out. At the end of the first paragraph, you certainly lead the reader into a depressing mode of thought, similar to Carth’s own.
You also use "moments" as a technique for transitioning between time periods, but quickly transition from that into memories. Are these memories necessarily all "moments"? Are we to assume they are the same, and if so, how? The list of parents, sisters, etc. don’t come with associated memories, we are assumed they do. The first kiss is a memory, the memory of Saul Karath also qualifies, but it is not a moment. Are these intended discrepancies? There is a lot to take in this first paragraph. Could it have been slowed down and more developed?
You make a really neat effect in then using the idea of moment to create transitions in time, however. We transition from the moment of a son’s birth to ruins to the moment of luxury in paragraph two. The third paragraph, however, stalled me a little. This is a moment of great character development, seeing Revan emerge as this strange, peculiar creature through Carth’s watchful eyes, but the mix of establishing the relationship *and* establishing Revan’s personality at the same time, I think, overwhelms the one little paragraph. How much more could you add to both developments by dividing the one paragraph into two? Don’t get me wrong, I loved what you were trying to do with both, but I think that as a reader, it would be a smoother read to be introduced to the two ideas separately at first, so that I could savor both the surprise of finding Revan in bed with Carth, as well as the amusement of imagining Revan disappearing into “off-key singing and a flurry of soap bubbles.”
There is some chronological confusion in the paragraph that begins “After a short time, during which Revan did not leave the planet…” I’m no longer sure here, where the present is. Some things are discussed as present, others as past, the strangest moment is having Carth talk about “One particularly troubling night’ as presumably past tense, but then talk about it as if it were the recent past (perhaps last night) when you write as follow-up, “Revan probably wouldn’t stop apologising about it for some time” which possibly implies that Revan has not apologized yet, or still is, but after the confusion of tenses and times in the rest of the paragraph I really can’t tell which is which.
What effect is this confusion supposed to have on the reader? How does it further the tension or the stakes of the story? Does the confrontation between Carth and Revan in the bathroom, ultimately, further that tension?
And how does the dialog play into the development of that tension, as well as character? Is Carth’s speaking voice meant to be different than his interior voice? What purpose does it serve to make Revan’s speaking voice so different than his characterization by Carth? Is this a red flag for the reader to note that Carth’s view of Revan is greatly skewed?
Thanks very much for the read, and this opportunity to provide feedback! It’s probably not that useful for revisions to this story, but maybe will give you things to think about in your future writing. All the best with your efforts!
| Dranzen chapter 1 . 4/16/2006
Aw, poor Carth. T_T Ah...angsty-fluffy-slashy-ness. :}
(Not much a review, I know.)
| Adrianna chapter 1 . 4/13/2006
Wow! Beautiful writing! I never really considered the Carth/Male Revan pairing, but you write it so well! I look forward to reading your next piece of work!
| Trillian4210 chapter 1 . 4/12/2006
I think you're a fantastic writer. This was clean, clever, and very, very well-crafted. I loved your Revan immensely-everything about him was intriguing and original.
Your ability to capture moments in few, beautifully chosen words is enviable. I don't see Carth in a slash-his character just doesn't seem to fit that, but that is neither here nor there in light of the rich story you've created around them both.
Please, write more more more.
| narutofan42453 chapter 1 . 4/11/2006
Wow, Interesting character choice. Well written enjoyed every second of it. Hope to read more from you!