WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?

WAIT A MOMENT...HARRY died? (SOBBING)

WHY...DID THAT HAPPEN?

DID HE DIE AT THE QUIDDITCH MATCH?

I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE STRENGTH TO PUT DOWN MY SIGNATURE MARK... THAT'S SAD.

Erm... nice try.

The few things that seem to leap out at me through the continuity of your story are perhaps the dozen or so mistakes you've made.

"His eyes looked in the general direction the crowd" Perhaps you're missing a word here.

But apart from that, the most jarring things are your - sorry to be blunt - somewhat clumsy attempts at instilling sentimentality in your readers.

"If only she could be here to witness..." this line is definitely too obvious. You're practically doing everything but bludgeoning your readers over the head with a sentence that screams, 'LOOK AT ME AND FEEL SAD!' Some subtlety would be appreciated.

Next... "Harry wearily, but extra-speedily..." Please don't make up new words.

"Harry knew his self-worth" is clumsy. "harry knew his own value" or something to that effect; self-worth makes you sound like you aspire to be a psychiatrist for some overly emo teenagers.

"He remembered times when he was a kid, and was anticipating great fun that would definitely come." This sentence seems wrong. Go over it.

'But he was thinking. I have gotten the Snitch! We have won!"

wow...

that's all i have to say. just...wow!

Ruby

I like it but the ending was kinda unexpected!