|Reviews for Spooksville 25 The Harbingers|
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/30/2012
Spooksville that my favorite series of childhood that your story very good but lacking most porfunidada
| dreammanize chapter 12 . 12/12/2010
| Raevyan chapter 12 . 7/10/2007
So the long awaited chapter twelve! I must say though, I thought this part of the gang would have progressed a bit more by the end of it. But maybe that's because I waited so long for it. I don't mean that necessarily as a negative thing, Pike's chapters did not leave me satisfied, plus I know how much difficulty you had with writing this chapter so don't fret - it's good.
For that reason (I'm assuming because you pawed over it so often) I could find very few mistakes either. Actually, none...
But I will say this:
Watch’s stare burned into the back Bryce’s head. “I’m tired of how we make all the damn sacrifices,” he muttered. “We’re not closing the Path. At least not until Cindy, Adam, and Sally come back. I don’t care if those emancipated creatures take over the world.”
I really enjoyed reading that. Watch should get angry more often. Well written!
I honestly think you worried too much about this chapter - it is good, and hopefully now that it's been tackled the rest of the story will come easier.
(I'm off on holiday tomorrow so if I don't talk you, happy writing until I get back -)
| 23lilly chapter 12 . 7/5/2007
It was a very good chapter. If there are going to be long intervals between chapters, might I suggest a recap of some sort before the new chapter begins? It would make it easier so that the reader doesnt have to skim throught the past chapters to refresh their memory, as I had to. Anyway hope to see more frequent updates.
| Raevyan chapter 8 . 1/10/2007
I accidentially sent that review but I wasn't finished and it won't let me review it twice. Anyways, I'll continue,
* "At this he nodded, dismissing his men save an older one in a blue cape."
It's a bit awkward at the end, could be worded better, maybe another sentence would help? "One elderly man in a blue cape remained" or something like that?
* "He recognized one person as being his old history teacher, Mr. Ferdinand – a tough lecturer and an even tougher marker, but Adam had considered him fair – not common in the Horror Halls."
Unless I've read it wrongly, this is incorrect usage of parenthasis. It should read normally without the additional information in the dashes, but it doesn't in this case. I think the extra info you wanted to have was the fact he was a tough marker and lecturer? I'm not sure if you meant to end the parenthasis there with the coma, if you did it would make more sense, but to me it doesn't read as easily as it could. But you know yourself what you wanted to do - so if I'm seeing it wrong don't hesitate to tell me.
* "Despite the darkness of their journey, nature had no recollection of it; the red leaves and bright sun showered them in warmth."
Not sure if 'recollection' is the right word to use here. I like what you're saying, but the wording could be polished. Also, I'm not sure 'despite' sounds right either. You could get away with simply stating that nature had no knowledge of the darkness of thier journey.
* “You three seem determined to help – it is who that is under scrutiny,”
Just a typo - that second part seems to have something wrong with it.
That's all I can see just now. You don't need me to tell you how good the story is again, so I'll leave it here.
Update soon. :)
| Raevyan chapter 11 . 1/10/2007
Hey. Got the internet back! No escape, hahaha. But on with the review. As I can't find anything that important to critique, I'll just nit pick, as you put it.
* "There were the horses - standing around with riders on their backs."
There isn't much need for the dash here, you could take it out and still have a complete sentence. I understand you may have done it for a desired pause, but maybe it would work better if you then said "they were standing around..." after the pause, because the way you have it seems a bit unnecessery.
| ImaPsychoSquirrel chapter 11 . 1/5/2007
yay! i love when you update this, it's always so much fun to read. *happy sigh.*
once again, you've delivered a creative, well written chapter that nicely follows the books, but stillhas plenty of its own ideas and plotlines.
i think one of the things i like the best is how you introduce quite a few new characters-Amy, Saline, Van de Ryn, etc-, but manage to devlop all of them quite nicely. For example, Van de Ryn's sacrifice of his wizard-partner-guy in such a cruel way really helps to emphasize his villain side. (I especially his being compared to an oversized eggplant, lol.)
besides adding depth to your own characters, i love how you stay true to the original gang. Adam's wanting to save the old man was perfectly in character, as were Sally and Cindy's responses, Sally by seeming to be a little selfish and uncaring, Cindy by being more sensitive and crying.
great job on this chapter, and please update soon, because i'm slightly addicted to this story : )
| Raevyan chapter 10 . 12/9/2006
Heylo. Sorry it's taken so long to review. It's a long story but basically my laptop's broken and I'm run off my feet trying to finish uni work which I can't now do at home. And you know how they like to pile it on at the end of the year...I could go on with my sob story, but the semester's finished as of next Friday and I'll have some time to myself again thank god. But anyway. On with the review.
I've read this chapter so many times...I also loved all the characters actions, particularly with each other. Kudos on immitating Pike's style once again so well. Love all the Watch/Bryce stuff. I was actually working on a story based on those two before my laptop went AWOL. But anyhoo. There were only a few points which stood out to me.
* "What Watch really didn’t like was the fact her body was missing"
The beginning of this sentence is a bit awkwardly worded because of the two w's. Something like "What bothered Watch most..." might work better.
* "Watch quickly wiped his eyes and put his glasses back on, realizing the prescription was mysteriously off."
Just an observation - if his perscription was off it would have bothered his eyesight, especially if the glasses were suddenly too strong for him. That sort of thing diorientates you, yet you don't mention it hindering him at all.
* "Bryce’s voice was coming from the location Watch had decided to go to. Barging in on the action wouldn’t solve anything, Watch reminded himself. He needed the element of surprise and hoped that his two friends could hold out just a little longer."
Nothing wrong here - just seems to me that if Watch had just discovered that his friends were alive, a description of happiness of relief might be necessary. His reactions are almost too mechanical, even for Watch, especially considering his feelings for Tira.
* "...eyes he loved to stare into: dark like a late evening sky, but clear as a deep mountain lake."
I really liked how you incorporated one of the first descriptions of Tira from The No Ones here. Nice touch, especially coming from Watch's point of view. :)
* 'Amy shook her head. “No, my appearance here is really weird,” she sympathized. “I can’t help feeling Ann Templeton had more planned out than this though.”
“That would be wise,” Tira advised. She touched Amy’s shoulder.'
This has confused me...is there perhaps a piece of dialogue missing? What is Tira saying would be wise?
* Watch stared at him. “Let’s just get some rest,” he repeated.
Excellent, classic Watch. Raising the suspiscion perfectly...Very, very Pike. Well done.
Post chapter 11 soon, eh? I'm dying to know what's going on. Don't do this to me! ;)
Sorry again for the late reviewing.
| ImaPsychoSquirrel chapter 10 . 12/3/2006
Yay for another chapter! I love the character interaction here, especially between Watch and Tira ; ). Most of it was very true to the books (like the little bit of tension between Watch and Bryce, and the slightly dark suspense of who Amy is), but still nicely original.
A couple of little nit-picks, because being annoying and picking out insignificant little things are what I love best:
“Leave her alone!”
Watch knew that hoarse voice. It was Bryce.
“Stop!” He yelled.
Personally, this made me think that Watch was the one yelling "Stop!" Maybe something like "Stop! Leave her alone!" would work here.
When Amy says “I think we all know I’ll be fine by now,” it might make a little more sense to say "I think we all know by now that I'll be fine."
“So you believe her then?” Bryce asked with a trace of annoyance.
To me, this kind of makes it sound like Bryce is annoyed by Watch's attempt to believe Amy, and not by Watch's theory, which is (I think) what was really bothering him.
These are just some little things that caught my attention while I was reading. If you agree with me, great, and if not, that's fine too, as this is your story, and you're free to write it any way you want. If I misinterpreted something or if you just meant it that way because it's your style, sorry about that, and feel free to ignore me completely, if you want : ).
Anyway, thanks for updating this, because I think you have a very promising story going. It's definitely one of the better ones I've seen in this category. You've got an interesting plot and a well-written original character. And I've said it before, but I really like your character interactions.
Well, wasn't that a nice long boring review. Great job and I'd love to see some more soon!
| 23lilly chapter 10 . 11/28/2006
just a couple of mistakes..probably just typos though cant really think of anythin else to really say ...but i really liked it nvr thought ud update tho its cool u did tho...anyway this time dont take so long ha ha update
| Raevyan chapter 1 . 11/1/2006
Dude, you're keeping us hanging here...at least let us know when you're gonna update if you still can?
Peace out homie.
| 23lilly chapter 9 . 8/18/2006
oh WOW i can honestly say this is the best thing i've read on fanfiction! i used to read this series a while back when i was younger an i was a little dissapointed that shape shifter book ws the last one (although a pretty good conclusion) anyways i read ont the first page that you never leae a story un-finised i hope that is true because i love this STORY SO MUCH!
please continue adn i personally hope that the girl adam chose was cindy because i can only see sally as a friend of his even though shes one of my favs (after watch and adam)and i hope amy blows bryce off!
| Raevyan chapter 9 . 7/9/2006
I was gonna wait til I had an actual criticism to review again, but honestly I can't think of anything to say to help you improve your style or writing techniques. You're certainly doing Pike justice in trying to imitate him. I can see these words inan actual Spooksville book.
You're doing great with the characters too. They were they're all acting, the thing they're saying - it's all uncanny. Sally's outburst in chapter nine was perfect, and Adam's awkwardness (even being older than twelve now) seemed exactly how he should reacted.
I love the confusion you created in Adam's mind with his feelings for Cindy and Sally. Sally is the conclusion I always come to when I think of Adam's feelings. Cindy never seemed right for him. Maybe it was too obvious, I'm not sure. When Adam met Cindy it was as if there was this instant attraction that even he did not understand...but with Sally, it was more like an instant respect and admiration. I felt that was always going to be a stronger basis for a real relationship than physical attraction.
But this has gone on long enough. I really must learn to hold back...
Update soon! You know you wanna. I await news of Watch eagerly. :P
All the best,
| Jesslca chapter 8 . 6/28/2006
Ok...me again for the third time, ha you must be sick of me already! But I forgot to put in my critism!
Truth is, there isn't anything seriously wrong with this fic at all. The only thing that got me was that you added a lot of characters in so quickly. Like Amy, Saline, the puck, the people that killed Amy. They went in and out of the story pretty fast. So I had to re-read a paragraph to understand it but maybe it's just me, actually, it's probably just me. And it says Spooksville "25" The Harbingers. Which gives me a hint that they might've been in the last book you wrote.
But I was just giving my critism caz you said on the first page that you didn't mind it. Geez, ok, that's enough from me! Keep writing!
| Jesslca chapter 9 . 6/27/2006
Oh. My. God. Amy DIED!
Oh. My. God. Adam LIKES Sally!
No way! Adam and Cindy forever! Ok, my personal opinion of Sally is that she's really annoying and trys too hard...but if you think differently then you can just ignore what I just said, lol.
Anywhoos. This is a really good story, and I hope to see a new chapter soon beause like I said, it's very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very good! (I think you get my point...)