|Reviews for Marks|
| kat1316 chapter 6 . 10/19/2013
It was Beautiful!
| kat1316 chapter 4 . 10/19/2013
I Felt like slapping cloud towards the end
| Insanity Breaking Point chapter 6 . 12/1/2010
great story :3 I'm glad things worked out in the end and they got to be together :)
| random alias chapter 6 . 6/20/2010
awwww, this story was cute :) very nicely done
| Superwitch chapter 6 . 6/22/2009
Liked your alternative end :)
Way to go Cloud.
Enjoyed it, thanks.
| Utena-Puchiko-nyu chapter 1 . 3/14/2009
I love this couple! Nice lemon ñ.ñ
Kisses from Argentina!
| siarafaerie-101-miss chapter 6 . 1/28/2009
| emitate chapter 6 . 1/8/2009
| Jiyunamai chapter 6 . 1/6/2009
wow... I almost cried... but my mom is sitting across the room and would have come to investigate. ;P
I'm glad my random roaming around on led me to this fic. :D Did you ever finish your book? Cause if this fic is any indication, I want to read it. :D
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/5/2009
I don't review alot- But I had to, just to say that your little rant about gramar amused me to no end. I was still grinning about it when I finished the chapter. ;P
(Hyde IS Orgasmic. Completely and utterly LICKABLE!)
(Have you seen Moon Child? 0.0
| Schizophrenic.Artlessness.13 chapter 3 . 12/19/2008
Okay sorry this took me so long, I had a lot to do with this being the finals week and all, which sucked ice, but anyways...I'll start my review here at chapter 3. Yay!
Okay you do really good, not any really obvious mistakes for the first several paragraphs then, dun dun dun, I found one. xP
Quoting from story: "As soon as he spoke Sephiroth seemed to awaken fully and his eyes widened a fraction and closed to him once again. His features became drawn and he looked almost surprised. The room suddenly felt colder. Cloud wouldn’t lie; Sephiroth had been wonderful to sleep next to. All power and comfort at once. Cloud hadn’t slept so soundly in a long time. “Did you sleep?” Sephiroth’s voice was still deep and when laced with sleep it became like a rhythmic hum. Cloud could get used to waking up to that every morning."
Okay what confuses me is, obviously Sephiroth is just about as surprised as Cloud is, since it's not very often you wake up to the dude you just had fun time with (sorry I'm extra blunt today) so that's a good reaction, but what gets me is the room suddenly feels colder? And it matches with Sephiroth and how he's confused but at the same time you feel like he's going to say something, like tell him to basically hit the road jack, but then he goes and asks him if he sleeps? You should say slept good, not if he actualled snoozed, and it just gets confusing from there. With the reactions and how it suddenly jumps away from that.
A couple grammar erros, don't we just love the English language...
I'm going to after this probably reread a part of the 2nd chapter since something here as me stumped, but let's ignore that for now.
I pretty much fell out of my chair laughing like an ass when I read Cloud's dirty thoughts, Sephiroth sun-bathing. xD
I'll mention this, I've read a lot of yaoi, yuri, het stories, you name the pairing, I've probably read it, but you are one of the better authors when it comes to writing out the whole lustful passion scenes, most authors rush it too much and you're showing enough of the inner turmoil in both men to add a conflict, one that is heavy, to give the story it's own original flavor. Since people overlook the actual relationship as a conflict, this may have been totally on accident, but it's working with this story. My only complaint still so far, on what I'm reading, is that I'm not entirely seeing the full love ordeal, since the story jumped into one time phase and skipped the part where Cloud and Sephiroth truly built up that relationship to end where it is now, but most readers are just fine with that, I'm picky.
WAM BAM WAM! That blew me away. In the other chapters you should mention more of Sephiroth actually more lusting after Cloud, instead of actually loving him. It fits perfectly in this part how you made it clear that he had feelings developing and it confused him, it just confuses the reader after reading the first and second chapter.
Love confession, is that what Cloud meant by his original plan? That one left me a bit confused. It's now getting into that more steamy hot stage again (xD) and I think you're just over doing it a bit, I want to call it purple prose, but that's not entirely the exact word for it, you're just over doing some of the romance part, almost too romantic. Awesome with how the scene is going...but his hands being bird-like? I can understand petite, small, ect. but bird-like? Oh shit! Chocobo hands! But that's not compared to how I've compared things...-cough- but let's go on.
The rest seems fine, maybe one or two grammar errors, but other than that it's good. You get better every chapter I read, so keep it up.
~From the ever so picky critic, Schizo.
| Schizophrenic.Artlessness.13 chapter 2 . 12/15/2008
Here's another review. Heh.
Just space dialogue. Since it's still confusing with it all jumbled together. Keep dialogues with their appropriate tags and space those with them as well.
Sephiroth's cold exterior isn't fragile, or else it wouldn't be so hard to break through. Cloud seems to the be that exception, becareful on those contridictions. Kindred understanding? Besides their hidden feelings for one another there was never any thing else besides how he was a soldier and him the general. I would suspect it would be more of a compeition than anything of an understanding. More of Cloud understanding Sephiroth's cold outer shell from years of military training. That would be their common ground.
A few parts are very lightly restated in other parts of the story, but this chapter holds more of the actual story flow and so far seems pretty good. Better than the first and the other fanfiction I read by you. You also have a habit I tend to do. Using words that don't need to be added. Such as rather, you tend to use this one a lot. You don't need it. Less is more in some cases and unless it's description really needed or some sort of artistic part, I wouldn't try to put those sorts of words in your writing.
The sudden change in Sephiroth's attitude to Cloud is also odd. All the things he said in the last chapter, then they weren't out of true love, but merely lust if he no longer keeps his stuff straight. It leaves me feeling confused and even sullen because of how jumpy it gets and I feel like I've really missed several main components to the story. Also more minor errors in dialogue. Also using uke, you may really want to reconsider that word. It's starting to get that redundant feel (just like my comments, haha) and should be changed to either Cloud's name. Since this story is more realistic, well as realistic as you get with Final Fantasy, but they wouldn't term each other with seme or uke.
The other part that bothers me is the reference to honey. It's not alluring enough to make someone feel starved, unless they're crazy about it and it rules their world and rocks their socks to the max. xD Maybe a different word, it almost seems like Cloud is a poison in some way to Sephiroth, luring him but knowing it could be too dangerous. The last thing is, it seems you've lost some focus on the actual story, since it still hasn't truly shown or said why Sephiroth is acting this way. Not directly, at least.
Other than that. I enjoyed reading it immensely, with a bit of cleaning up it'll be a shining star. 8D I like a lot of your descriptions and how you use words that are often over looked. It's refreshing in that form.
| Schizophrenic.Artlessness.13 chapter 1 . 12/14/2008
As I promised...a review! Dun dun dun! Oh the horrors and shocks! Okay, anyways...I'll review this chapter by chapter. Probably one or two, maybe three chapters a day depending on my schedule until Christmas time, since school finals are quickly approaching. Also, I'm doing this review as I read it.
First one is minor, but in the first sentence when you say: Today had been harsh; his body was a testament to that. You could've just easily used a 'comma' since those mean to pause and that's how they're taken when read a loud. A semi-colon often feels too show-y, especially for fanfiction. It's minor, but just something I thought to tell you. Just becareful with those semi-colons. They're dangerous. xD
The 2nd paragraph, you could emphasize on 'especially' male. For more of an effect. Get the reader going. Hehe. Lanky and long-limed (2nd paragraph) are the same thing and it comes off as redundant. But at the same time saying 'short' with lanky is very awkward. Try to reword short as in stocky or more heavy-boned, since that doesn't mean he's overweight by any means. Just more rounded out without the whole tall effect, but still having the limbs and torso that proved him to be lanky. But the practical freak made me chuckle. Also some of your descriptions of his appearance are confusing and held out. Not bad, a bit of a passive sounding voice near the end of that paragraph. 3rd paragraph has too many description words about his skin. The rest if perfect. The rest is fine, including the small 4th paragrahp.
I do like, when you follow from Seph's side of the story how your language becomes more 'sophisticated' and more like his personality. Cold, distinct, and more fine. Haha, sexual frustration much? AH! Semi-colon hell! Whoops, that sounded too extreme. Just watch them, use them as a last resource. Also 'a somewhat friend'. That's confusing. Try 'somewhat a friend'. Gets a bit redudant on Seph's urges for Cloud near the end of that paragrahp. Also put spaces in between any dialogue, not matter the length.
I love how quickly Seph's thoughts jumped from how Zack knew to how he looked. Very realistic in this scenario and funny, in my opinion. Some of Seph's thoughts are worded funny and hard to read. It's also nice to see how everything contridicts here. It's obvious Seph is the stalker of Cloud, yet he refers to him as his tormentor.
Also watch out for using - too many times. No-one, can be left at No one, but...and then the rest of that line. The hesitation in Cloud's use of 'love' is very refreshing, but Seph suddenly turning to leave. That seems out of place, even with his heart's doubt, he's too strong-headed for something like that. More he'd talk himself out. Also watch out for minor uses or under-uses of commas. They're useful but deadly. Dialogue needs that space seperation or it gets mushed together. The 'so gentle!' part loses the gentle feel with the exclamation mark.
After Seph's oral act on Cloud, you need to make it more defined that Cloud is in fact giving him a hand-job. Since that part is confusing, even when you read it all the way through. You stated the obvious or things that don't need to be stated. When Cloud licks his fingers, it's obvious that he's being very seductive and enticing to Sephiroth. Also, to be more realistic, in prepartion try to start with only one finger or that's gonna be very painful. E. With Seph and Cloud's speech, use conjunctions. Another error is use, it's accidental, tend to over use the same word in different paragraphs. Thesuarus is good for this little problem. 8D
Also uke is the correct term for Cloud's position, but it's not all that endearing. Try a more pet-like name for Cloud. I do like how quickly some of the topics jump when it comes the thoughts. Very realistic.
Okay through with this chapter. Whew. I'm dead now. It was a nice read all together with very minor errors, especially compared to with what I have read before...I've read things that would kill someone like me on the inside. xD But keep up the work, you'll get better and better. Now I'll work on reading the 2nd and possibly 3rd tomorrow and review each one seperately.
| Hell's Angel-Heaven's Demon chapter 6 . 9/3/2008
For a moment there, before the end i though you were going to give us a tragic ending! T.T I am so happy you didn't! I hate sad endings (happy ones are so much beter .~)
But is wonderful story filled with lemon goodness and cute scenes that just made me say "aw!" loved it!those are my favorite part!
By the way, I love the song "stay with you" ))
| WhenIGoDown chapter 2 . 7/18/2008
definately a nice chapter to proceed the one before it.
I'm enjoying this story hopefully the chapters to follow do this one justice