|Reviews for Ronin|
| theevilgood chapter 6 . 4/27/2011
The F.E.A.R. references are getting kind of blatant. I really, REALLY like this story, but it's getting to the point of near-plagiarism on your part. The little "God Among Men" thing and the Womb project, not to mention the number created and the fact that Alma (don't care what the Sorceress's name is, I'm calling her Alma) does the things she does is kinda... yeah. I'm gonna finish reading this, but I hope the rest of your stories don't have the kind of blatant plagiarism that this one does. Apart from that, fantastically written, if a bit out of character for the ambitious Seifer. He strikes me as more the person who'd accept an offer like Shiro's immediately
| FTFCHRIS chapter 2 . 9/17/2009
Never liked Siefer, hell never liked Squall... but even though Seifer is no Sephiroth i just can't see him being taken down so easily without a fight.
| wispyboy chapter 7 . 8/24/2008
This is truly amazing. You are so so talented. This story is engrossing, extremely well-written, well-paced and your action sequences are pure adrenaline. Very, very cool scenes, especially, the subtle references to the SeeD's, I really appreciated that. I had a feeling, but the way you built it up was simply sublime. You are an excellent writer, your plot is complex and addictive and you're just damn good. I've noticed that a lot of your fics are novelizations, but this original plotline is a-ma-zing, and you should try your hand at more 'fiction'. All in all, even thought there are still chapters to read, I just HAD to review this chapter, because it was THAT good. SeeD's rawk! I hope you're still writing, and I look forward to readin' more from you!
P.S Welcome to my fav authors list (Only THE best authors get there, and you rank up there with 'amazings' like Ashbear - [i'm not sure if you're a fan of her]. You are effin' great.
| Iron Reaver chapter 6 . 5/28/2008
...BLEACH! I finally get it! ...Well. It's a *lot* after the fact. But...it makes sense...and...! *cough* I'm good now. I just had to know!
| Vincent Vendetta chapter 10 . 10/20/2007
Wow. I just finished this story and just... wow. Nice job, man. Really great work. I know you hate short reviews, but I don't have that much criticism. You captured all of the emotions very well and really caught the essence of Seifer's character. The only real thing that bothered me was the fact that at the end of the fic, Seifer seems a little too content. Wouldn't he be a little more concerned about the Womb project and finding out whatever happened to the third child? And why is Kathryn so happy? She's got two other kids. Does she have special feelings for Seifer specifically? Or would she protect Bones as well? And why doesn't Seifer ask these questions. I don't think that defeating Asp, Johnson, and the Anarak Syndicate is enough to satisfy him when he's recently learned that he's the product of bizarre, horrific experiments that he knows almost nothing about. I understand that there is a sequel, and I hope that it answers a lot of my questions. Again, nice job on the fic. You and Ronin are being added to my favorites.
| AntiCensor chapter 10 . 12/23/2006
This was a good story and a good ending and I'll be happy to get into Full Spectrum SeeD soon. It is a very cool story and from time to time I find myself jealous of you, but I do see something in this chapter and other chapters that you should fix unless if you have fixed it already, I may just be blowing hot air.
"I did, though it seems that Garden did not react favorably to my visit" This kind of language is indirect and not cleverly so. Unless if you are trying to make this particular character pretentious then you are making a mistake.
"I did, though Garden did not favor my visit" Is better because it is more straightforward and it sounds realistic. The above statement suggests that he watched himself visit Garden while simultaneously suggesting that he interacted with Garden and experienced the lack of favor firsthand. It makes no sense that he watches himself do something; unless if he is supernatural and his power is to make decoys of himself this sentence does not really make sense.
I'd just give you the short of the long of it and say "Simplify your dialogue" But you don't like short reviews. Hope this helps.
| AntiCensor chapter 8 . 12/23/2006
I think this turned out rather well. I think I've said this before but you are not limited to writing action well you do a fine job with your other topics. If you can come up with the strategies that you do with your war scenes then investigation is right up your alley as well.
Kathryn who has a strong connection with Seifer -whether she is his mother or not- is a fascinating turn of events. When she shows up in the earlier chapter and makes Seifer fly off of his bike then she just looks like an obstacle, perhaps somebody being manipulated or a flunkie that he will have to dispatch later. But connecting her to him thusly is fun stuff. I thought the part about one of the subjects being subjective to telepathic powers was a particularly nice touch.
| AntiCensor chapter 7 . 12/23/2006
Sorry it's taken me so long to review this, but I don't have internet at home anymore and my time at the library is limited.
I think you did fine with your emotions. With this story -or maybe it's just your style- you seem to do the thing called 'Doesn't tell the reader more than they need to know' which is fine, in fact for something as fast paced as this story it's perfect. But when it comes to emotion it's true that it can leave something to be desired. If you are worried about emotion in your work then just use the subtle approach like you did at the end when Seifer kisses Fujin on the forehead. For this kind of story something subtle like that is suitable, you don't have to turn transform into a romance writer and spill -your own- guts just to convey emotion, in fact it would probably be off putting.
But then you wrote this quite a while ago and you may be passed all of this crap already. Sorry, I'll read the rest soon.
| Sevejar Locke chapter 10 . 12/15/2006
Here to review with something more than "haha, Bones lives, nice".
So, Ronin came to a breathtaking conclusion with Seifer as leader (sort of) of the greatest Yakuzan gang. A rather nice "end" for a very nice arc, so to speak. Not something that Seifer would not do. Plus, we, the readers, get to behold some of the things to come.
As for Sion, yes, he does seem to be overpowering; not that it gets to be a bad deal for us, on the contrary. So, all in all, we see what Seifer gets in perhaps the end of the prologue for your new stories, eh? Nice.
Do I really have to say "Keep up the good writing" for you to do so? ;P
| Neophyte Ronin chapter 10 . 12/8/2006
Upon enunciating and narrating the whole thing as much as I can, I say this is an intriguing, richly detailed story complete with cliffhangers and depth, but it lacks proper pacing in action scenes, and typos are littered throughout.
Typos are a pain. Spelling and grammar are perfect otherwise, but we must understand the horrible truth of computerized checking devices: they fix what they're programmed to, and do not exhibit human intuition. Quite frankly, this means you read and speak every line, as an orator, to painfully scrutinize them. Paired together, the eyes and tongue clean any manuscript.
That problem pales in comparison with falling in love with prose. The 'investigation' chapter is better than previous ones because you emphasized something other than action. You had fun because it you don't write chapters without action. It's nice to try something new, huh?
I say this because you have a major weakness. I can summarize the problem; it took me an hour to scrutinize my own free-association prose to communicate the trouble. Here it goes: the Director says, "Cut to the chase," while you need to "weed the length of said chase." There, I said it.
Here are the details on how I concluded this notion:
That chapter on investigating Seifer's past, the supernatural trip that was, contrasted deeply with the ornate, lengthy, chugging, perhaps plodding action scenes that drag on to eternity, bordering on the self-indulgent.
I can compare you to Salvatore, the guy behind the Demon War novels and good old Drizzt D'Aurden. In my mind are two schools of thought: the "Mark-and-Paul," and the "Jen." The "Mark-and-Paul" (older brothers) claims the prose is richly crafted and vivid, with realistic flair. That's the positive side. Then you have "Jen" (my friend; we play D&D together and she reads more fantasy than I can compete with). She was practically put to sleep with those Salvatore books, and I'm sure it coincides with belligerently meticulous detail in action scenes that kills the tension.
As I read the final action scene, Seifer versus Bones and Johnson, I did not feel compelled to read every inch of it to marvel at the poetry of motion... because it didn't slip off the tongue as poetry! I wanted to, but the perdantic length turned me off; the story is violent as is... enough to be morally offensive. Imagining page after page of that stuff in an original novel of your craftsmanship made me question if an editor would take up one of your queries. It comes as a heavy heart to denounce what is otherwise a strength.
Some safe advice as a side note: refrain from paragraphs of more than five lines across. They are intensely difficult to follow, there is the potential of redundancy, and readers might suspect certain passages could have been abbreviated.
And always remember the audience, especially at this kind of Internet site; kids these days are born and raised on Doom, Doom II, and Final Doom, and know that in the five minutes you described one man's death, they got a 1992% kill count after murdering the Final Boss in well under five minutes. The side of me that plays Doom-preferring an immediate and smooth transmission of information-compels me to continuously scrutinize passages to write in a clearer, more compact fashion, still replete with intoxicating depth.
Thus ends the borderline trashing of the manuscript... we will now reflect on positive things... and yes, oh yes... there are positive qualities that make your tale sing virtuously.
I love the silky smooth world you describe. I really do. All the following musings reflect on how I am amazed. Take them with a grain of salt, of course, since they might not always sound positive, but again, if I felt apathetic or thought you sucked, I wouldn't have become a rabid fan writing up a storm.
"Hey, you get the reference to Resident Evil yet?"
I feel you should tone down author's notes to more wittier comments and keep your trade secrets safe. I feel irked that I can decipher the kind of story I read from what the author might blather about. The Martin Branagh thing is just one example. And you flagrantly rip your references off like chests to pillage. A writer of science fiction or fantasy prefers keeping things clandestine to captivate an audience and thus promote book sales (or in this case, people reading your material, cash or no cash). Do you dare confess all your big secrets and lose the audience's sense of wonderment? When you have a vague reference, keep it like that; let the devout fanatics decipher them later and send you messages about them. Square-Enix conceived "Cash Toss" in a like manner; back when Five came out, they had various legal disputes where they blindly tossed cash at lawyers to resolve.
"This is what Paul keeps telling me:"
You can invariably alter identities and locations to bleed out the references to Final Fantasy VI for a thoroughly original epic. The stuff you made up about Seifer's past and crime syndicates certainly fashion an original novel. Should Square-Enix get over its anal-retention about accepting fiction about its worlds, I recommend you offer to write gritty urban horror stories based on that game.
"Never assume your ideas follow their guidelines..."
But the details of Seifer's life would fall under intense scrutiny. With a unique story describing his origins, you alter the character greatly just to generate a new conflict. That might not fly with what Square has in mind, so if they accept manuscripts and you pitch this, they might reject it. Trying to stay within someone's sandbox is how a work-for-hire novelist earns the keep.
"Let mysteries be mysteries... but try a different approach!"
Many fan fiction writers incorporate original ideas to explain something, as you do throughout this epic... I find it harder, and perhaps more satisfying, to stick with what is known, and go from there. Say someone talks about Fujin's eye-patch. It could be an accident killing her eye, or something purely cosmetic for emotional effect on the battlefield or in the Garden hallways. I'd use her patch differently, as the window to her trust, to take it off and discreetly reveal what lies behind it to another character. Of course, the reader is never informed on the nature of what is revealed, just that something is between Fujin and one she confides in, creating a plausible device of interaction while sticking to the mystery behind something never implicitly explained in the game. Experimenting with someone's sandbox and gauging the techniques used to describe it are essential to writing fan fiction.
"...I also believe Fujin is dead-ringer for a goth rocker..."
But the way Seifer looks... he is alien to his former self. He is mellow, and his technique is stronger with subtlety added to the mix, but altering his appearance seems extraneous or even inappropriate. I cannot imagine him shaved with a goatee, even if he had to change his looks. Without the goatee, we have the guy from Hitman, or the Transporter. I prefer hair on his head. He even reminds me of a young and clean-cut James Hetfield, vocalist and rhythm guitarist of the mighty Metallica (ridiculous, I know). The hat Seifer wears in Kingdom Hearts II seems ripped out of the St. Anger music video. Seifer is dead-ringer for James.
"We followed him anywhere, ya know... 'cept in this fic...!"
Now while all eyes are on Seifer-even Squall makes a cameo-I'd shorten all those action scenes just to add more interactions... improved interactions... with Raijin and Fujin. I will be frank in saying that no matter how touching and wonderful you described them, you simply did not give them fair justice; more like window polish for the main guy to progress. Why Raijin could not go with Seifer, even if Seifer said no, at the oil rig... it escapes my imagination. Then again, it was all about Seifer from the beginning, isn't it?
Naturally, if I didn't enjoy what I read, I wouldn't debate minutiae to infinity and back. You cannot forget the shrewd, compact, and expertly written cameos of Squall, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine. From their words to their techniques, you captured their essences seamlessly.
"I hate pimp culture."
Just to put a button on this whole thing: the way Seifer walked up to that posing pimp stereotype and bashed his head in with nary a care... borders on comedy gold. If there is a platinum standard, you came close.
I've spoken too much. This is, overall, a briliant piece of work that could use polishing of the action scenes you enjoy.
| Neophyte Ronin chapter 4 . 12/8/2006
You dirty old bag! Of course the large, distinct reference to a game has to be in Detective Branagh, one of the poor Galbadian pigs ("Police Officers") that gets wasted. Fun, fun, fun! It ties into the sort of "BOOM-I-SCARED-YA!" style of horror you demonstrated. Guys boiling to oblivion and stuff... that was classic. It's a Resident Evil dig; I played 3 to death, and either they got the name off the novels by Stephani Danielle Perri, or vice versa. From the soundtrack alone, however, I prefer Silent Hill's psycho terror, and that, my friend, would be more applicable in Seifer's case.
So far, however, when I try to narrate this to myself (and my God, it does deserve to be read aloud!), I keep screwing up around the impeccably frequent typos and spelling errors. The greatest technique to revisions must be the lip treatment. Since passages can be boiled down for improved effect every time you revise, I repeatedly speak lines and prose until it's condensced and error-free. It's not fool-proof (I still botched in the opening chapters of my current story), but hey, it clears things up faster than merely looking or running through with the spelling/grammar checker.
The Eight-Nine-Three group (can I call it that instead... so I can better remember the identity and references you deftly described?) has a bike chase scene that actually drags. One of the most difficult things to pace is a car chase, because this is split-second decisions paired with the thoughts in-between. Something that must be about fifteen minutes in length can be condensced into four or five minutes of movie time. Why can't it be that simple with literature? It's all cool, but still, it drags. It's not your fault-chases are the hardest things to write, ever. I'll pick a heated conversation among four people, anyday.
The horror effect is cool, and the shades of a subplot bleeding into a new series is even more interesting, but trying to balance the emphasis upon this story against the possibility of future stories can be difficult. Make sure you have a good outline worked out to the last logical contingency before tackling anything further.
But paired with your strong measure of detail, combined with your present showing with long projects, I doubt you'd flub up. Remember to enunciate every last line the reader would want to speak aloud, and never forget that this story flat-out kicks ass. Did I mention that?
| JadeAlmasy chapter 10 . 12/4/2006
Wow you did weave these two stories together! i cant wait to see what happens in the next installment!
there wasnt really any mistakes just trench coat and side arms that you have as one word should be two but other than that there was nothing wrong.
I cant wait update soon!
| BetweenheavenandHell chapter 10 . 12/2/2006
Another family of genetically engineered superhumans Peptuck? lol, fun side plot to Full Spectrum though I must admit, even if you do have somewhat of a fixation on people experimenting on Sorceresses :P
I enjoyed the references to F.E.A.R, GTA and Reloaded as well, I look foward to seeing what havoc the Children of Kathryn and the Magi play upon the world in the name of advancing rather than killing the human race.
Oh, and "hyne-damned-giggling-motherfucker" is now my favourite fanfic insult ever.
Keep up the good work
| Lionheart1987 chapter 10 . 12/1/2006
Oh I like tie ins :P
| Deus Ex Sub Ubi chapter 10 . 12/1/2006
Man oh man, In the last chapter of Full Spectrum SeeD, I forgot to mention my awe at the fact that, even for the briefest time, you ran two story arcs at once for a fic. I can say that I've never actually seen a writer do that before. Very impressive.
And youre going to make me want to buy FEAR arent you? You could be nicer about my budget, but oh well.