|Reviews for One Trick Pony|
| Exalted Demi-Soul chapter 21 . 3/9
Great story. The ending had me reeling a bit since it reminded me of Ranma's situation earlier on. It took me a moment to remember Ranma had been Ranko when he asked the couple for advice; so, I took in the meaning of him meeting someone walking in his footsteps.
...Amazingly, it makes you wonder about the true journey the couple Ranma met must have endured to reach the happiness they shared.
| fellow chapter 21 . 2/13
| mrKillJoy247 chapter 1 . 12/4/2013
Left the moment I saw bashing (incompetence, and yes that IS what bashing is).
Bashing is easy, bashing is cathartic, it is also quite limiting, as the bashed character cannot be used in a positive sense, making the story painfully predictable, or just ending it prematurely.
Bashing limits the writer too much to be worth it.
I hope you take this as the constructive criticism it is, rather than labeling it as flaming simply because it does not sit well with you.
| Zhor chapter 21 . 11/12/2013
Sure this an older story, but still a wonderful read. The ending is just perfect with how it ties in the how it all began.
| Zhor chapter 9 . 11/12/2013
The image that pops into my mind when reading about the world-eaters in that place...is the Reapers from , the anti-paradox creatures. Hm... I'm liking this so far.
| shugokage chapter 21 . 9/14/2013
Amazingly beautiful story with an incredible plot and delivery and thanks for the hard work you put into it!
| Guest chapter 2 . 8/20/2013
. LIKE AS IF THAT WILL HAPPENED. EVEN IN THE MANGA NOR THE ANIME, ITS NOT HAPPENING. WHAT A SICKO PEDOPHILE MIND TO EVEN PAIR THIS. GROSS. SORRY, BUT IT IS. KASUMI IS BETTER OFF WITH TOFU. KASUMI ARE TAKING CARE OF HER FAMILY, AND YOU WANT TO EVEN BURDEN HER TO TAKE CARE OF A LITTLE BROTHER. OH LOOK! FIRST AKANE, NOW KASUMI, IS RANMA SOME KIND OF A TOY? YOU ARE DISTURBING. YOU SUCK! I WONDER HOW OLD ARE YOU? IF YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE ! OR YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT DOING IT TO LITTLE BOYS. LOL
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/20/2013
GAWD! ANOTHER PEDOPHILE STORY! RANMA A 16 YEAR OLD GUY ROCKING WITH AN 21 YEAR OLD WOMAN.
| A simple fool chapter 21 . 7/18/2013
Awesome story. Love the ending.
| Rickmer chapter 21 . 7/3/2013
I'm really glad I took the time to read this story. Faved.
| majishan chapter 21 . 6/6/2013
the best ranma fic I've read. good job!
| Dragish chapter 21 . 5/7/2013
This was very well done. The ending made me feel all warm and gooy inside.
| Ganheim chapter 20 . 5/1/2013
I wouldn't want to have another...discussion with you?"
[Why is he threatening Genma when Genma is asking a simple, and not illogical, question?]
Genma made warning signs
[They’re called “warding” signs or gestures]
and took there positions
Akane had told Nabiki…'lucky shot
[Akane may be prideful, but this is in-house. Akane has too little reason to lie to family, especially when she knows the exact truth. She’s even told the truth to Nabiki, despite the knowledge that Nabiki has a tendency to sell secrets, which indicates at least somewhat the level of bonding in the family]
All that time you wouldn't fight with me
[Akane’s got a point. Ranma was callously dismissive of her every time, manga and anime]
his other friends.
[Question without its mark]
why are you...as you are?"
[I seem to remember her passing off the curse as not Ranma’s fault and therefore not something to be worried about; at least as far as the Seppuku pledge, though I don’t think the manga ever goes into whether she’s derisive about it behind closed doors]
She had way too much class
to find an unconventional ring
[Seemed extremely conventional to me]
the only girl I have ever asked to marry me
[Shampoo, Ukyo, I think there was also Akane during one arc with Ukyo]
When she did so he used
[So ‘she’ changed back? Also, why would a shout need to be an amazon technique?]
we're still you family
is a proper for
I've known if ever
You guys can live in denial
[I find it difficult to see Nabiki doing this. It’s not that she isn’t intelligent enough, it’s that too much of her life has been built around manipulating others, which means not giving them all of the vital information. This is something she does as a default, as a well-practiced habit to defend herself (or entertain herself), but it’s something she would have to expend noticeable conscious effort to overcome, yet we don’t see her struggling through any psychological block]
You had an interesting concept and fairly well-realized character evolution between Ranma and Kasumi. For the most part you do an impressive job of avoiding character-bashing, which just makes it all the worse when you do so to Shampoo and others. The growth of power is also something that I think is thrown way too high in their return – Ranma is good, yes, and Kasumi may be dedicated, but they don’t have the inhumanely intense training that Genma pushed on him, nor the people coming to kill them that pushed Ranma to figure out how to overcome the Bakusai Tenketsu, or overcome Herb or Saffron, or many others. Ranma and Kasumi go into Yesterday as deepening characters and, most unfortunately, return to the real world as Mary Sue and Marty Stu, so perfect and overpowered that I am totally disinterested in what they do because I know there is no chance of them even being challenged.
| Ganheim chapter 18 . 5/1/2013
[Question missing its mark]
looked at each
"How did you get back, Cologne said that it was impossible?"
[The first section is a complete idea, and a question. The latter a statement or exclamation, and also a complete idea. They’re not intrinsically linked, so they might read better as separate sentences]
LET GO OF MY SISTER
[I’ll be the first to admit I think Akane should be sent to an institution for court-mandated anger management and perception therapy before she murders or callously kills someone without meaning to, but I think your scene starts off a little low for her and only drops. Just like Shampoo had a complete lack of sympathetic treatment in her telling, now Akane is getting none now]
that an fondling?"
you are here yet."
with his father.
if he ever killed you in training
[I was thinking very highly of your writing before, but this is looking like you’re jumping into character bashing here. Genma is a poor father, certainly, but even if he was depraved enough to do this (he’s not, go back and check the amaguriken arc and others for evidence that he DOES love his son), but no insurance agency would insure a martial artist for death from poor handling by the master]
your honor demands you marry Akane
[A Tendo, not specifically Akane. It just defaulted to Akane because the other sisters clearly weren’t interested and pushed the arrangement onto the youngest]
I would have liked to tell you
[This chapter has a lot of verb-tense issues, but here it seems especially noticeable with the past tense ‘would have’ and future-tense ‘liked to tell’]
If she thinks being hit is no big deal, then maybe it's time she found out that it hurts
[That sounds suspiciously close to “might makes right” and “an eye for an eye”, which history as well as general psychology has shown not to make for a better world. That direction can lead to healing, but in general it opens more doors for destruction than growth]
they weren't surprised to see Akane sitting in the corner mumbling about unfaithful perverts
[Is this just character bashing, or are we going to get to see some development on Akane’s part, unlike Shampoo’s? Even Gosinkugi was given a moment to let his ingenuity shine]
"Start here?" he asked her
[I guess they might be helping clean up during their brief stay over, but they’ve been living apart from the Tendo residence for years. I don’t see sufficient reason for them to stay. To visit and catch up with family sure, but not to move back in]
hard to go back to our old ways
[If possible at all. Once people fully cut off certain protein structures, enzymes, or other things, they can cease to be capable of processing them – onions, gluten, lactose…just mentioning the detail]
You futon is still
"Just breakfast" she said
[This lacks clear descriptors, as well as punctuation. Is Ranma in girl form? Why? Dew doesn’t cause/mimic/simulate immersion (Ranma’s woken from being dragged out to the middle of the forest before in the manga). The fact that Nabiki is (could also be) a ‘she’ means that ‘she’ ceases to be a useful/identifying marker]
Genma told Ranma she should change back
[Odd, they’ve fought without form being an issue before]
it looked like something out of the ending of the first Matrix movie
[Cop-out. Don’t rely on somebody else’s work to prop up your own, let your story stand on its own merits. Especially when you’ve already successfully described fight scenes before]
I doubt even Happosai would give me a run for the money
[I see: you’ve turned Ranma into a Marty Stu. Remember why so many people don’t like Superman: if a protagonist can’t be challenged, then everything they’re in is boring]
go with your father.
[Question missing its mark]
was nice wasn't it.
[nice, wasn’t it?]
she never thought to check the occupied sign
[I’m pretty sure that was an incidental accident, not a consistent habit]
She won't listen to you no matter what
[She could, but she tends to have to cool down first, and you’re having her leap into rage first]
before we leave he
love him to much
out of hear in
the doctors attention
innoculated the world against the things
[Drastically slowing down the erosion would’ve made more sense for an energy-based drain]
he'd take you on
[Doctors in Japan may not have to take the Hippocratic oath, but they have needed a degree since their late 1800s reopening to the world]
I love her..
with all those nutcases around
[Including her. She was vicious and manipulative too…]
We'd like to be your friends
[I think they have too much particular history. This is coming across as Ranma trying to have his cake and eat it too]
had never betrayed her
[What would you call repeatedly going to her when she’s emotionally vulnerable, tricking her into making a declaration of love to stroke his ego, and then dumping her like a hot rock to go back off and cause a ruckus elsewhere?]
We are not damaging these people's businesses
[So either you’re going to treat Ryouga like a person to grow or another bashing toy, with no in-between…]
Ryoga's form being tossed around like a leaf in a storm
[Another character bashed because who he used to be isn’t convenient to your story, and having people other than the main characters change must be too far out of line…]
bruised and bleading
I'll never let you know any peace."
[This was out-of-character well before the battle against Saffron, probably back before Herb]
Cologne either didn't know about it, or didn't wish to share it
[Unlikely. It would’ve been an even better motivator than offering him the Bakusai Tenketsu. I also want to point out that this is very far in the Marty Stu territory that you’re pushing Ranma]
she figured hse wouldn't
we need to talk to Nabiki, but that should probably be last
[I don’t see why Nabiki would need to be last. More likely Nodoka simply because dealing with her practically requires most other entanglements be dealt with beforehand or she has too much ammunition to throw back at Ranma]
you must allow me to teach Anything Goes
[Given that Happosai has never really asserted his status in order to stop any of the pupils from teaching (he had no issue whatsoever with Genma and Soun), this would be an unnecessary step]
in the old mans eyes
Ki attacks her merely
you can make it do just about anything you want
[Run faster than a locomotive. Leap the tallest buildings. Stand for truth, justice, and the way of bad writing…oh, wait, that’s superman]
Which way do you want to do it."
[I don’t know if this is a stated threat or not, but they should know that such wouldn’t work on Happosai. Even if they did manage to crack his overconfidence, Happosai lacks the scruples to play by anybody’s rules but what benefits him in the short term]
Kasumi had found a cure for her condition
[So? The canon characters had a cure for the condition by the end of her introductory arc, it just took many applications and nobody bothered to keep it up. I should also point out that she doesn’t view it as an illness, but a boon. That’s why she has been so resistant to being cured]
want her over Ranma"
| Ganheim chapter 14 . 5/1/2013
as the "best there
[When you’re quoting something inside quote marks, you switch to inverted commas (‘)]
is all a product of having you
[Major props for writing a pairing fic that wasn’t disgustingly sappy…though it starts getting sappy in this paragraph]
neither seemed to have aged much
[It’s only a year, that’s not going to be especially noticeable, especially with them having already phased out of puberty before entering this place. Aging doesn’t tend to be especially obvious except in the outer bounds of life]
they may be able to have children
to this world as well.
were both having the times of their lives
[I understand the sentiment that they’re in love, but I think that some details of your story conflict. This is supposed to be an ‘end of eternity demi-hell’. When you describe them as ‘having the time of their lives’ without any negative quality of the creepy world being nearby, I think you’re diminishing the dire straights they’re in. It’s like spending half a book describing how dangerous The One Ring is, then suddenly introducing a one-shot character who’s immune to it, then trying to pick up the danger for the rest of the 2.5 books – you’ll never succeed because you shattered the illusion of consistency]
continued existence of Ranma's nightmares
[What nightmares? I thought they were having the time of their lives…which is stated multiple times, the dream only once…]
to show her just
Most of the content in
They were fortunate that Kasumi had sailing lessons
[Yes…fortunate…not “too convenient” at all]
They might not be aging
[I still think they might be, but the difference between 21-22 is negligible compared to the difference between 15-16]
Hate these damn bike seats as a guy!
[They’re not a problem if you’ve got the bike adjusted and you’re riding it properly]
its been one
The scary thing was, Kasumi only let Akane's best efforts be tasted by Ranma
[Another reason a different reader pointed out to me that Kasumi might be a closet sadist: she never tasted Akane’s cooking, and never made Akane taste her own cooking. She let Akane inflict it on Ranma without any intervention despite knowing what the condition would be]
a tree is found that can act as a Ki reserve
[Like goshinboku from Inuyasha…good background music on that]
I'd say you are already on par with Shampoo as far as Martial Arts ability goes."
[Unlikely. Besides the strong implication of selective breeding in manga and anime, she’s also implied to have had nearly as strict training regimen as Ranma. Remember that she was the first of the Nerima Wrecking Crew to go breaking through walls (Ryouga had to learn the Bakusai Tenketsu to do so), and she MUST have mastered the Amaguriken and at least a few others to use the memory-erasure technique on Akane. There’s also Kasumi’s personality (simply not competitive enough), Ranma’s (he won’t push a female friend enough, though that can be waived for character change in this fic). They also lack the advantage of major mentors which Ranma and Shampoo have both had, as well as major nemesis – Ryouga may have a lot of excuses, but on multiple occasions he tried to KILL Ranma and that gave more incentive to push himself than simply kind words from a loved one ever will. It may not be a happy truth, but that’s what martial arts are built on – it’s built on war. It’s not called Happy Lover Arts for a reason]
anybody would look."
It was a perfect fit!
[Given years for corrosion and weathering, I’m surprised that it would just fit. The failure to turn later is also something I might expect]
all he had to do was just stick his hand in some water
[I think it disagrees with the allusion to immersion that the semi-soaking did in canon]
Ranma was aghast out how little Cologne had shown him
[He shouldn’t be, she explicitly said that they held hundreds of secrets more for the taking if he would marry Shampoo and/or join the tribe]
could also mask their Ki signatures as well
[Technically the Umisenken only masks the ki (that and you stay in your opponent’s blind spot), it’s not a true invisibility technique. Just an “effective invisibility”]
It seems as though the Jusenkyo curse was permanent
[Canon explicitly states that the spring of drowned man would cure him…though now that I think about this it’s only said by characters, never actually demonstrated]
Yeah, Pantyhose Taro
[Who did jump into one of the in-universe weirder springs. It’s also never stated whether he finds a way to modify the spring or if he just splashes some “spring of drowned octopus” on himself, if I recall correctly]
to the worlds Ki
as the reached the
we're not even aging
[You haven’t clearly described how long they’ve been there, but it’s less certain how much they’d age until they get to midlife]
done a excellent
me comfortable now matter
we travel the world. We have an entire world to explore
[This seems to say the same thing twice]
we will." Those Amazon's
[will. Those Amazons]
or somethin' Looks
[The ‘s’ is part of a syllable “su”. She’d probably be “Kasu-chan” or, even more likely “Ka-chan” since the tendency is to reduce an intimate friend/lover’s nickname to one syllable. This is a very stable and important point about Japanese language that strongly draws me out of your story every time you make the error, so I would definitely look back through things]
look to good does
Ranma reached behind his head in his trademark move
[Assume the position? The rude hand gestures he would show Ryouga? He has too many signature moves to give something this vague]
to an already long, but pleasant journey
[Filled intermittently with nightmares…]
He was almost as good as Tofu was when it came to chiropractic techniques
[Speaking of that, what about Kasumi? She was already studying medicine when the canon series was opening]
Most of the magical techniques that the Amazons recorded had been mastered by one or both of the young couple
[All of the repository of centuries? I disbelieve]
to get back."
as if I've been on a wonderful long vacation
[In a gray world inhabited by nothing but eldritch monsters from beyond the veil…]
we should be sent back to the time we left from."
[And the same space?]
I'd like to take the next week or so to kind of say goodbye to this place
[Of gray and no animals or sunrises…]
like around hear
the hidden-weapons techniques of the Amazon's worked well for packing carry-on items as well!
[If Akane can use it for mallets and Ukyo can use it for “portable” grills and giant spatulas (she’s seen with it when she wasn’t carrying it a few times in the manga)…]
[Extraneous paragraph break]
they 'back pressure
when he though
they could use it like a giant booster
[But it was described as draining their ki, and you just said it could take years for him to charge enough ki…]
explored Ranma's Ki levels
[Wouldn’t hers be depleted as well?]
Fighting Ranma one-on-one
#Aiyah! Airen return!#
[OOC – Shampoo is not a ditz in her native language. This is explicit in the manga, and I think also the anime]
so, and you?
he told her "they
Shampoo emerged from
[Ah, your favourite character to bash is back. I suppose I should start the timer before you start depicting her as an incompetent idiot without redeeming qualities]
don't need to know any details
[Spoken within earshot of an elder who on more than one occasion has proven to have very sensitive hearing…]
law now about that
and not be subjected to Amazon laws
[No such law can or ever will exist. Every empire however small try to exert its influence within its borders, sometimes to oppress but more often to protect itself – however, there may be a means of becoming a demi-member of the society for the purposes of being able to pass and bypass some of the classist laws like “only men may do this” or such]
Shampoo looked at her favorite weapon with a puzzled look
[Less than 3 pages before making Shampoo look helpless, and following that with incompetent, despite the implausibility of so much improvement on Kasumi’s part even if they had DECADES. It’s not that Kasumi is incompetent or Ranma’s a bad teacher, but he values her too much not to pull every punch, and there hasn’t been any evidence presented or event that would force Kasumi to step outside her comfort zone with anything that would compare to the many “fights for your life” that everybody else in the “wrecking crew” has had to]
she would have been wailing about how unfair this was
[Can you tone down the character bashing? She’s not a crybaby. While all of the fiancee brigade have many bad qualities, they also have redeeming ones as well. You’ve yet to recognize any of the latter in Shampoo – if the only way that you have to make Kasumi look good is by demeaning Shampoo, then that means you really don’t have anything good to say about Kasumi]
over twenty-two years
[Your implications were, by and large, very consistently that only months were passing from year to year. 22 years IS enough time to expect to see aging (assuming that they don’t simply adapt to a static state)]
A Ki field burst forth and slammed every Amazon but Cologne against the walls of the buildings around them
[This doesn’t look so much like “Ranma’s cool” as “author has turned Ranma into Marty Stu”]
I have cut off your access to your hidden weapons
[Definite Marty Stu levels here]
taught me a lot about the...ramifications
[Even more specifically about considering the consequences before taking them, not just that his actions (or lack of them) have consequences]