|Reviews for Walk On Water|
| machievelli chapter 1 . 4/14/2013
Supposed to have been posted 8 September 2012, at and the Coruscant Entertainment Center in my The Critic's Two Cents. My computer went down again in June of 2012 with a virus. Then in late November kotorfanmedia went down for reasons unknown, so I was stymied in my attempts to post the reviews. I had waited for it to revive, but you on deserve your reviews.
Post KOTOR: Revan goes in search of himself
The idea that Revan would try to find out at least some about his previous life is an obvious thing, but there were some odd turns in this story; the idea that the Jedi Masters just reprogrammed him to their own narrow view of the world without even attempting to wonder what had caused him to turn is interesting, as is the idea that his home world had not changed, but he didn't remember the planet.
Technical note: a ship does not have an east or west compartment, because east or west depends on the facing on a compass, not just the way the drawing oriented. That is why a vessel has port and starboard along the frames of the ship from fore to aft. Also why a house will have east and west rooms since it is anchored to the planet.
| VFR6 chapter 1 . 9/17/2007
| Jord chapter 2 . 12/7/2006
You have some brilliant visualizations here that are absent from a lot of stories (including my own!). I love that.
I don't have much time to read chapter 3, but it'll be interesting to see where this leads, so I'll check it out later.
| reign1990 chapter 15 . 12/6/2006
ok ill be sure to...i look forward to reading them
| reign1990 chapter 14 . 12/5/2006
great story i loved it and hope to read more
| Omnitense chapter 14 . 11/2/2006
That's the last chapter. I've been thinking of making a sequel detailing what happens to Bastila...but that's still up in the air.
| Omnitense chapter 2 . 11/2/2006
Yeah...you could say he confronts the council...lmao...
I'm about to have my internet cut off but I'll go ahead and upload all the chapters...
| HK-Revan chapter 10 . 11/2/2006
Cool, again that was awesome
WILL REVAN CONFRONT THE COUNCIL?
| HK-Revan chapter 8 . 11/1/2006
Nice, hurry up and write
i want to see what happens
| Reena90 chapter 1 . 9/27/2006
Very good! Hope to see it to the end and beyond %).
| Omnitense chapter 1 . 9/25/2006
The Jedi are far from aware of Revan's heritage. I'm sure that had they had been they would be horrified or more likely never would have accepted him as a padawan. They knew only of his father's spurious reputation but knew nothing of his mother as she most definitely intended.
I am almost finished with the entire story. I'm guilty of writing more of it than uploading, so in recompense I'll slate up chapter 7.
| HK-Revan chapter 6 . 9/23/2006
Cool, nice story
I like how Revan is related to the Sith.
Did the Jedi know?
| Manga5Lore chapter 1 . 6/21/2006
I read your story and decided to leave you some feedback, all of which you are free to consider or ignore as you wish.
Some sentences are unclear, for example this sentence I don’t have all the answers. My mind is fractured, but I fear this was as far from a victory as our enemies could hope.
I gather that it is not the victory they could have hoped for, but it took a couple of tries to make sense of it. Basically, while it is readable, the occasional strange phrasing and word order makes it unnecessarily difficult. You may want to consider your sentence structure.
Ive noticed the occasional grammatical error such as Her voice interrupted in a furry. I think that should be fury, rather than furry. Another example would be spelling cockpit as cock pit (you have it correct later on). Those are the kind of errors a spell checker cannot catch, so if you dont have one already, you may want to get a beta reader, too.
Also, since the Ebon Hawk is a ship, you may want to consider using port and starboard instead of west and east dormitory.
There are some interesting ideas as well. For example, Bastila being able to command Revan.
Im not sure what the relationship between Revan and Bastila is here; they seem to be lovers, you have Revan not wanting to become too dependent on her? If they were lovers, would Revan not want to protect her?
Interesting notion that their bond may be fading. I also like the idea that your Revan tried to read up on his false history to try and discern the differences between the implanted memories and his real memories.
Your Revan seem to be the calculating kind. At least, that is the impression the visions gives me. Im not completely sure if your Revan fell to the dark side or not. The apparition on Korriban suggest yes, but the vision with Malak suggest no, that he was more like Kreia.
It is harder to say something about Bastila in this chapter. She seem to be strangely assertive at the startwhen she convinces Revan to let her cometo submissive later on the Ebon Hawk when she realizes that he is going to be stubborn.
I see that you have Bastila and Revan both leaving the Order. While I could sort of understand why Revan might, I cant see Bastila leaving the Order for anyone. She is much too duty bound for this.
Formatting-wise you may want to consider making the visions/flashbacks italics. As it is, it is not easy to see where the vision begins and ends.
Also the change from scene to scene seem abrupt, you may want to consider using some sort of divider or space.
I think the story has some potential, and I will see where you take it.