|Reviews for Hunted Species|
| The Fox Familiar chapter 8 . 2/26
We’ve reached the end and now I’ll offer my whole two cents.
Congratulations: you’ve managed to get every single character OOC. In case you didn’t realize that, you shoe-horned all of them into a single entity. None of them had their own voice and they all had a teenage, emo-tastic modus operandi in which they needed other people to do the work for them. Starscream is a bigger bitch than usual, Megatron is the ‘I hate you but I love you but I hate you’ dead beat dad who, for some reason, can’t do things on his own, Galvatron – who is the upgraded version of Megatron – is his brother and goes ‘Mwahaha’ because that makes him evil, or something.
The plot has to be one of the most ridiculous ones I’ve seen in a while. It was a clear rip-off of popular anime like Evangelion, and I saw some Star Wars in there. The Stalkers of the Salami Empire are supposed to be a threat, yet they never were. You wrote that null rays could destroy their shields, but never used it in the story. There were quite a few battles, but they were not interesting and I could breeze through them without forgetting anything. A majority of the story is about a domestic, blissful future marriage that is supposed to show how gay people in the form of robots are just as equal as everyone else. But in doing so, no one was in character and it was painful to read most of the time.
The story was awful. There were no logical connections and the twists make M. Night Shyamalan look like a pure genius. No one was surprised at any of the twists, save your idiotic, sheep-like readers. Your beta has done a great job in doing nothing to improve your work, as betas are supposed to do. Yes, I am aware that you are French and English is not your native language, so what you do is get someone who is, or a bilingual beta, to help you with translation. Then, you need a good editor to tell you what and where you’re going wrong. As no one did, this clusterfuck managed to take off and continue to crash and burn with every passing paragraph.
It is easily forgettable and not worth reading. If I cannot be bothered to read the entire thing word for word, you have failed. There’s no intrigue. There’s no staying true to the characters or creating a story anyone can enjoy. You created a horribly flawed story in which female characters are belittled (how misogynistic of you) and male characters are made female implicitly. When you write a male character having ‘narrow waists’, big chests, and ‘beautiful faces’, you are making them female. You might be too dense to notice this, but as I have a knack for paying attention to detail, this is an automatic red flag. It shows, without a doubt, that the authoress has shoved her vagina where it shouldn’t belong. I don’t care if you’re a female author; I care if you’re good.
So far, you’ve made me not give a damn about anyone or anything. The antagonists were ripped out of your favourite shows because you couldn’t be compelled to write your own, and honestly? I don’t think you ARE capable of anything original in the written form. A damn shame, because your photography isn’t too bad.
You forget what happens in your own story, and that is one of the worst things a writer can do. The worst is them sucking and their betas/editors not being honest with them. I am here to fix that.
Needless to say, TVTropes shouldn’t have recommended you under its fic recs. They lied. But I’m here to tell the truth. And the truth is, you’re not a good writer. You can’t keep characters in character. You can’t be consistent or logical with your story lines and plots. There are no underlying themes or messages found in this work. The attempt at romance was ridiculous and laughable. You cannot convince any serious reader with your blabber. You didn’t with me.
Use of literary terms: Fail
Tact and Grace: Fail.
You’ve been flamed, honey buns. It’s better if you up and left writing altogether. Ordinary people should be spared such filth.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 7 . 2/26
“It smells like the Decepticons are plotting something” – No shit, Sherlock. None of us could tell.
“He’s overreacting, he’s delirious, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing” – In which the author describes herself.
“You’re as childish as Starscream, do you know that?” – In which the author describes her own story.
“I don’t care about the Decepticon Army’s Glory!” – In which the author states the obvious and where Starscream shows his OOCness to the max.
“I’m not stupid enough to lead us into a deadly trap” – Except that he is, and he does. Every action he has done up to now has been utterly stupid.
“Don’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs!” – Wat. BTW where did Ironhide come from? Lol.
“It looks like the Decepticons open their warrior’s mind and spark to the concept of compassion and love” – Except that they don’t...? Le sigh.
“He doesn’t think we’re expandable anymore” - *Expendable. Anyways, this Megatron isn’t the real Megatron, and is good at grabbing Starscream’s hand and leading him through everything because he’s a useless whore and who doesn’t need a strong pimp hand? Sorry, got off track there.
By the way, what happened to Soundwave’s secret identity? The Earth resistance? Thanatron’s piss-drunk mother? The actual villains? Who has time for the Insecticons and some sarcophagus that no one gives two damns about?
When you introduce a new idea into a story, you need to do a thing called EXPLAINING. If you don’t, you are making plot holes. Which you have a lot of.
“Megatron is a good leader after all.” – Except in this story he hasn’t proved he is one. Lol.
“It has destroyed his self-confidence” – So any hit from an Insecticon makes the victim an emo-cutter who listens to Death Cab for Cutie on the weekends. Makes perfect sense.
“You won’t even understand what hit you!” – I sure don’t. What the Hell happened?
I thought Thanatron was Darkracer’s son. Now he’s Nyxerys’ son. Does he have two mommies, or...? Make up your mind.
Dark Nebula sounds like an emo rock band. He created a ‘star virus’ that killed ‘hundreds of mechs’, which really isn’t a lot. He’s Machiavellian (again, I highly doubt you even know who he is, let alone his ideals), and he’s the token Evil Scientist. Who is he, again? Oh, right. They’re going to do some Evil Things.
Who the fuck is Kraken? A guy from Doctor Who?
Oh noez. They’re going to kidnap Elita One! THE HORROR!
Galvatron jokes about sleeping with his nephew. Uh...wincest?
“As stiff as poles behind a desk” – Subliminal sexuality, haha.
“You’re really starting to get on my nerve” – In which the author describes what I’m feeling.
What, did Megatron’s dick get shot off in the war and he has to get it reattached for the marriage ceremony? That makes total sense. I’m totally head over heels for this.
“What are you doing here, bunny head?” – Wat.
“Then...Burn me!” – Gladly, fraulein.
“Bit viciously into an energon pipe” – Ouch. What, is he trying to kill him? What a zombie move.
“His lips worshipped the jaws of the Seeker” – Awesome. Can I get a Bible on that?
“Shrill and erratic cries of pleasure” – Drink.
“Moaning loudly his pleasure” – Drink.
I didn’t know Cybertronian sparks were lava lamps. I’m in the Psychedelic ‘70’s now.
“Buried himself in Starscream’s warm tightness” – Female centrism. Does his vagina change colour, too?
“I was pondering about my last failure” – In which the author describes her own work.
“Nothing hurts like the truth!” – Indeed.
“Staring at him with a horny look in the optics” – Well that explains everything.
“You’re an idiotic moron!” – ‘Idiot’ and ‘moron’ is the same thing. I’m reminded of ‘My Immortal’s Voldemort: ‘You moronic idiots!’ Except there is no one shooting angstily.
‘Machiavellian smile’? Okay...
Thundercracker? Prone to loneliness and depression? Oh, here we go.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 6 . 2/26
Thanatron is responsible for the death of his family despite you writing Megatron was responsible. You write that he was also responsible for putting the virus in Starscream though the actual cause and effect of it was never fully explained. He was just kidnapped, almost tentacle raped and had it inserted in him. You never bothered to explain this thoroughly so we readers haven’t a fucking clue what is going on. Sane readers, at least. Most are too busy lapping it up.
Boo hoo, Thanatron killed Starscream’s family and he has a dark cloud over his head. My optics are leaking lubricants. (Thank you, Breakdown.)
Seriously. Who cares? This is the most overused and cheapest tactic a writer uses, ever. It doesn’t even work. I suppose that since every character speaks with the same voice and there are too many to actually leave a lasting impression, it works because everyone is the exact same teenage girl who didn’t get a pretty pony for her Sweet Sixteen.
“He felt no emotion towards his offspring” – What a douchebag. Sounds like a typical dead beat dad.
“They’re setting me up for Shootingstar’s murder!” – Who cares? Megatron has done worse things in his life, and so has Shockwave. Shootingstar is a useless character and no one cares if he’s dead. Starscream doesn’t need him to make his own decisions. You pretty much made him the attention starved brat that whines because he didn’t get a pretty pony for his Sweet Sixteen.
“He harboured a grudge towards Shockwave for joining his nemesis” – Huh? Why? Shockwave, as I’ve said before, obeys logic. He only does things in the most practical way. What you did to Soundwave is even worse. He has some secret he’s been hiding from Megatron because he’s some rebel or some shit, and not at all the loyal, bone-chilling Decepticon we know him as. I have no idea who this prick is. Some Jimmy Dean rip-off, maybe? A bad Johnny Bravo?
“Oh, stop this hypocrisy!” – In which the author admits her own mistakes.
“Skywarp cursed his mate for being so seductive towards the Decepticon leader” – Female centrism again.
“Megatron didn’t consider him his berth-mate...he wanted him as a partner for life” – Except nothing he has ever done in the past would suggest that any emotion towards one or the other is wholesome.
“..Making himself comfortable as if he were on a romantic date” – Stop. Stop this now.
“They were witnessing a turning in Decepticon history” – A reference to the referendums on gay marriage? Seriously. They are being overrun and attacked. There are no small victories, and yet they are celebrating a gay marriage between Sir Asshole and Suspender Striptease.
They are all wonderfully brilliant.
“Megatron is preparing a coup!” – Fucking why? I thought they allied with each other so they could fight the Stalkers. Hell, you wrote IN THE BEGINNING that there were no factions anymore because Cybertron was destroyed.
Fucking plot holes. How do they work?
Megatron is not amoral. He’s immoral. Amoral means without any set of moral codes. Megatron does have morals, but they’re corrupted. Would help if you picked up a dictionary sometime, would it?
“A powerful wolf among a pack of enraged wolves” – This is a retarded metaphor. A pack of ‘enraged wolves’ is as good as a rabid pack of them. There’s no unity between them. How the fuck would Thanatron would know what wolves are, anyway?
“Rather plebeian manners” – Fucking plebs. How do they work?
“Thanatron is dangerous” – No, he isn’t. He’s a mamma’s boy that didn’t get that pretty pony for his Sweet Sixteen.
“I’m nothing but a failure!” – In which the author describes her own story.
Starscream does some more wrist cutting and Megatron comforts him. This has as much emotional appeal and interest as Twilight.
Oh, I went there. I know you dumbasses absolutely HATE to be compared to anything related to Twilight. Here’s the thing: Twilight manages to do it better than this. Feel the burn yet?
“Take it easy. We’re not in a hurry” – Through the ENTIRE STORY you’ve written that EARTH IS BEING INVADED by Stalkers and that Cybertronians are under assault. You say that they can all ‘take it easy’? Wow. These Stalkers have to be some pretty shitty villains, or the author doesn’t understand something called CATASTROPHE.
Goddammit. Open your ears.
“You’ve done nothing to repel me except whine” – In which the author explains how much she sucks at writing characters.
“So Arcee likes idiots? I guess I have my chances then” – In which the author makes the token female character a subject of objectification and makes her more of a man than any other male character.
“I have the right to have somebody in my berth for one night!” – He could have just asked Suspender Striptease; after all, that guy can’t stop sucking robo-testicles like they’re jube jubes.
Darkracer is a drunk and Elita One is there. There’s all this crappy foreshadowing on things that should have been solved already. I can’t wait to get this over with.
“The result was like that if he threw a tantrum” – In which the author describes Starscream’s behaviour.
Retorted laconically. That’s a new one. Laconic means: ‘very few words’. Yet Galvatron likes to be campy and go Mwahaha every five minutes. How evil of him.
“Is there something wrong with Starscream?” – In which the author asks what the fuck is wrong with her portrayal of characters.
“Screamer, for Spark’s sake, stop crying!” – In which Skywarp says what the whole audience is thinking.
Whenever some major event happens, I am left wriggling my eyebrows. The Insecticons attack, despite them being under Decepticon control, and there is more emphasis on Starscream’s and Megatron’s domestic issues than there is on things actually related to the story. It’s clear this was your main intent, and since you didn’t know how to write anything else, proceeded to write long screeds on emotional toil and other crap that doesn’t resonate to people who’d read entries on real-world suffering, in real time. The plot twists are childishly simple, and you outright abandon major events because you want to write Megatron and Starscream doing the dirty.
If I was your beta, I’d throw this entire thing in the trash. The one thing worse than a bad story is a beta who didn’t stop the story from progressing. Bad editors make bad stories worse. It’s us flamers who eventually pick up the pieces.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 5 . 2/26
“The truth would be hard to find” – In which the author admits her own story has none.
Nightbird is good at shrieking and telling everyone she’s a spy. You know, spies are to do one thing: spy on people. They are never, ever to blow their cover. IIRC, Nightbird was the silent type. She never revealed her secrets to anyone. Now she’s squealing that she’s been wronged and her rage centres are overflowing? Sheesh. She should have been melted down long ago.
Skyfire got friendzoned. Not surprised. Suspender Striptease started every argument and got beaten up because he ‘loves’ Starscream. That...makes absolute sense. Really. I can totally tell you’ve done your research on domestic abuse.
“The first time I saw him, I thought, ‘My, my, what a sex kitten!” – First of all. They’re an alien species. They don’t know what kittens are. Second. This is OOC for Skyfire. He’s a scientist. He’s not some pervert who masturbates in anime pillows. Third. Great of you to lower Starscream into a leather and corset wearing woman who lives only for sex. That is brilliant character development. Really.
“Love must be shared equally, not be a constant battlefield.”
Let that sink in for a moment.
NOT A SINGLE THING OF WHAT YOU’VE WRITTEN HAS BEEN ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE OR EQUALITY. So STFU.
Let that sink in for a moment.
“Straddling his hips and pressing his perfect body against him” – More female talk.
All the ellipses and the ‘Hmms’ during sex makes me think they are all having a lecture when they’re supposed to be doing the dirty. Boner killed.
“Curves of his graceful body” – You are writing about a female character, here. Are you that dumb?
Greebo dies, but no one cares because he didn’t really do anything. The Salamis admit that the Cybertronians are intelligent and that they – the Salamis – are pretty much fucked, but they still manage to do absolutely nothing and sit on chairs and have council meetings and do other Star Wars-esque stuff because the author was too busy watching episodes of Doctor Who and thought she could be as great as the creators of that show.
Yeah. Yeah, you wish, honey.
“Settled around the narrow waist” – Women have narrow waists. Here you go with more feminization.
What happened to Starscream’s cancer? Did you forget about that?
More flashbacks of Starscream’s neglectful daddy. Boo hoo, Sunstorm was loved more than he was.
My optics are leaking lubricant. (Thank you again, Breakdown.)
Megatron purrs, yet there’s evilness in it? To purr means to make a contented noise at something or say something in a smooth, pleasurable, or sensual way.
There’s a lot of bitching about some dude not having a son and Galvatron and Megatron being the only kids of some dude. There are threats, jokes, and more reveals that really, really are not surprising. Do you know how many times I’ve rolled my eyes at this? You are shitty at writing convincing plots. Really, really shitty, and I would suggest giving your beta a lashing because she was too lazy to tell you the truth.
“I am a war machine! I need to instill fear on my enemies!” – Except that you don’t, Starscream. You’re too busy jumping on Megatron’s special package like it’s a trampoline every night. No one would buy this guy at all. He’s not even remotely terrifying.
Nyxerys is supposed to be another antagonist, but no one knows who she is, so she’s just a bitch. Can we get to the actual plot now?
“Starscream’s plan was clever and very effective” – None of what he has done in the previous chapters have ever proven effective. No one has even formulated any plan at all. They were too busy engaging in useless bickers. They’re going to attack the inside of a base, of a group of beings that are easily killed, and they can’t even be bothered to send scouts out to get information.
You really, really did not plan this out.
“Kissed him for possible the last time of his life” – Can his cancer kill him already? Please?
“Detected an Imperial Destroyer” – So this is really Star Wars? Wow, you even copied the Empire’s ships! Where’s Boba Fett? He needs to start doing some jobs.
“He was a king and now he had a prince...a prince he wouldn’t let die” – Boo hoo. My optics are leaking lubricants. (Thank you, Breakdown.)
This is really not-so-subtle clauses for gay marriage/homosexuality. Last I checked a king needed a queen. You can’t get a prince without a queen, because, you know, sperm and eggs. P in the V. Biology, y’know? It really seems misogynistic as the only female characters in this fic are useless bitches that talk with the same voice, mainly, teenagers that didn’t get cigarettes after lunch.
Starscream transforms into his Bayverse mode? In that verse he doesn’t really have slim hips and a nice chest...he looks like a Triscuit. You’re not even consistent with the character designs.
Who’s Thanatron, again? I don’t know. He’s some asshole who talks like a human drug lord. He’s good for nothing.
“You, a whining little bitch that only had a pretty face and an attractive body!” – In which a character describes exactly how Starscream has acted through the entire story. Also, more female centrism.
“He hated the Autobots when he cradled the dead body of his lover in his arms” – One. Not at all a cliché. Two. My optics are leaking lubricant. (Thank you again, Breakdown.)
It’s, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold.’ There’s a thing called the Internet. Use it.
“His (Skywarp) hands roamed from her breast to her lower body” – Wow, Skywarp is a rapist. What a great use of Arcee, too. The third female in the entire story and she gets molested by Skywarp, who’s supposed to be fighting the Salamis. What was this for, again? To show how triumphant he was? This is what Megatron does to Starscream, except Starscream thinks it’s good to go.
Thanatron was Megatron’s son. Gee, that’s as exciting as hearing DNA results from Maury Povich. I did not see that coming at all. /Sarcasm.
Christ. There are more tears, more lovers, and Megatron suddenly becomes bisexual. His wife is a colossal bitch and suffers from scorned wife syndrome. The Stalkers, which you wrote are sensitive to null rays and are run by organics, suddenly become fully mechanical and powerful. It’s like you don’t even remember what you wrote. Again, your beta is useless because she didn’t bother noticing these discrepancies. The fault mainly is on you, because you are a horrible writer. As I have said before, the language barrier is only so much an excuse. You can’t use it here and I am not biting at your story.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 4 . 2/26
All uber serious villains have armchairs they can scratch at. That’s how we know how evil they are.
“Pouted in the unique way that he could” – What unique way? Do his lips puff up like a fish, or something? If you can’t define this uniqueness, how do we know it’s unique?
So Starscream has a form of robotic cancer and the only way he can live is if Megatron stays away from him. I’ve seen better cheesiness in ‘The Fault in Our Stars.’
“His hands were caressing his waist and hips” – Wow, you’ve successfully made Starscream a woman. Everything he does is implicitly female. A lot of slash fangirls can’t seem to understand this subliminal stuff, but I do. That’s one of the things that ultimately undoes these stories.
“My life seemed dark...didn’t seem worth living” – Oh, boo hoo. My optics are leaking lubricant. (Thank you, Breakdown.)
Starscream does more metaphorically wrist slitting and can’t stop moaning about how much his life sucks. Well, maybe he should kill himself. All he has done in this story is be strapped to a table and told what to do, when he isn’t pouting and stomping his feet like a bratty, spoiled child. No wonder these Salamis are kicking their asses. With this much incompetence, it’s a wonder how they even managed to get off their damn planet in the first place!
“When his glossa danced in a love ballet” – Will there be flips and spins and broken bones? This is a strange metaphor to use for kissing. It’s almost purple prose-y in a way.
Hey, doesn’t Starscream’s cancer pop up when Megatron gets near him? What happened to that plot point?
“He saw a desirable mate, a spark to conquer” – This isn’t at all a cliché. These characters barely ‘love’ each other. What a way to stuff it down people’s throats – literally and figuratively.
“The more hostility Starscream showed him...megalomania, cruelty and treachery...the more Megatron wanted him.” – Let’s have a few dictionary definitions, shall we?
-Greed for power: an excessive enjoyment in having power over other people and a craving for more of it
-Psychiatric disorder with delusions of power: a psychiatric disorder in which the patient experiences delusions of great power and importance
Pretty much all of those words you used aren’t exactly traits to look for in a lover. Of course, you keep saying that Megatron or Starscream are these things, but they haven’t shown these things once. All they do is act like emotionally starved teenage brats that didn’t get a dicking in the bathroom. I’m not kidding here.
The way Galvatron is acting, Cyclonus has every right to give him the FU finger. Hell, he even decided to help the Autobots once, out of good judgement. He appears to have a mind of his own, and Galvatron does nothing but be a clichéd evil brother with a horribly clichéd cackle. He doesn’t scare me in the slightest and it’s clear he’s not meant to be the antagonist. There really is no antagonist in this work. You keep writing that Tokyo is in ruins and that there was an invasion, but based on the way these invasive aliens are acting, they pose no real threat. Cybertronians are versatile and powerful. They’ve endured oppression and possess weapons of mass destruction far more powerful than anything we have. To a human, they are scary as shit. Here, they’re good at engaging in domestic disputes that housewives are better at. I really don’t think you know what you’re putting out there, and your beta wasn’t useful enough to tell you what was wrong with this story.
Luckily for you, I’m here to do the job. Too bad I don’t get any thanks for it.
Soundwave has the Tragic Past trope where Megatron slaughtered his clan. I didn’t realize this was Naruto. I digress. Soundwave is one of the coldest Decepticons on the team, and he has no time for petty emotions such as happiness or regret. He does the job and does it well. That’s why he’s so scary. Alongside Shockwave, he is one of the most effective and powerful Decepticons, and Megatron trusts him quite a bit. He’s loyal, unquestioning, and willing to push others aside if they get in the cause’s way. That’s how Soundwave rolls. You managed to get him horribly OOC, along with every other character. What a shame.
“He reflected that Skywarp’s argument was legitimate” – Except it isn’t? Megatron getting the hanky panky on with a whiny Starscream, when they’re supposed to be in the middle of a horrible war, is one of the most illogical things he can do. Starscream isn’t a human female. He doesn’t serve evolutionary purposes. All they’re doing ATM is act as a distraction to the other members of the army. No fraternization among peers. Ever hear that term before, lassie? I guess not.
“He watched the beautiful creature walk to the exit” – Female talk.
“You can’t sleep with every Transformer you meet!” – Female talk again.
Skywarp took a video of Starscream masturbating in the shower? What the fuck...?
“Starscream came to hate Megatron because he believed our leader betrayed him” – Ergo, he got upset because he didn’t get the D on time, whenever he wanted it. Get over it, Suspender Striptease, and go get a fucking job.
I am so happy every single Decepticon is a useless fuck.
Megatron and Starscream almost fuck in the throne room, and while he’s choking Starscream, decides that he needs to go to the front because of Reasons. You know, this relationship doesn’t seem at all erotic or loving. It is abusive. It’s clear these individuals are only in it for the sex, as twisted as it may be, and don’t have any inclination to be loyal to each other. Megatron feels Starscream isn’t loyal for some reason, beats the shit out of him (as he usually does), yet in a twist, goes: ‘YOU’LL COME BACK HERE WHEN YOU PLEASE ME, BITCH!’
“Being the slave of his emotions and feelings like Megatron” - ...No. They are not slaves to their emotions. That would make them all women. Which, I guess in a sense, is true, because they’re good for nothing shitheads that shouldn’t even BE in a warzone, let alone a kitchen.
There’s a lot of this ‘he hid his feelings because it would be bad if he admitted them to him’, and other crap that is found in those crappy romance novels. There are more flashbacks of Suspender Striptease because stripperlicious, and more drama fitting for a Jerry Springer show. There is no way this could make it past the editing stage. It is horrible, full stop.
“I haven’t come here to listen to your nonsense!” – In which a character reflects what I’m thinking.
Darkracer? Sounds like a name for a street thug running his nightly drug raids. What is with you and these shitty names?
Le sigh. There are all these characters and events that do not make any logical connection. Starscream’s cancer disappears, his brother is dead and he still whines, he hates Megatron yet will totally suck his dick, Megatron is an emotional cunt that can’t make any decisions, and everyone, and I mean everyone, is a good for nothing teenager that would be better off as my kitchen counter. You make references to episodes, but I don’t think you bothered to take notes. No one is in character. You did, however, succeed in smearing your womanly woes all over them.
This should be called ‘The Fault in Our Transformers’. Except without a chick that needs a mining drill to the face, EVERYONE needs a mining drill to the face.
I guess you succeeded in making all of these characters deplorable. A little handshake for that.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 3 . 2/26
Even when this has been edited in 2014 it manages to have as much seriousness as a badly dubbed anime. There are a shitload of characters that appear out of nowhere that no one cares about; the villain is laughably bad with dialogue that not even Tim Curry could save; and by the by, nothing, and I mean nothing, in this clusterfuckfest makes any sense whatsoever. If you have a beta, I would suggest kicking them to the curb, or if you don’t, then all the blame is on you.
“That’s complete nonsense!” – In which the author describes her own story.
Greebo is one letter away from being Greedo, that bounty hunter that got shot by Han Solo in Star Wars. How original.
God how the Hell did this get past the Word Document I literally have no idea.
“What a terrible waste of time and energy” – In which the author describes her own story.
I didn’t even know Shrapnel was a character until you wrote him entering a room. Before that, I thought it was ordinary shrapnel that was capitalized for some reason.
Starscream tries to get Skyfire to help him (into his pants), fails, cries some more and proceeds to be a useless idiot. Everyone else is too busy dicking around while Tokyo, Rumble and that Nerd chick are running around trying to save themselves. What an amazing army. And with the Salamis waging war that no one gives two shits about and the fact that they are easily defeating speaks volumes: either you believe this crap works, or someone didn’t bother to tell you that it didn’t.
The entire thing seems ripped out of an anime, like Evangelion. For that, you get points taken off.
More points are taken off for nothing happening. These surprise reveals are, as said before, uninteresting to a six-year-old, and do nothing but show your lack of talent and lack of intelligence. I would have thought Frenchies would be good at writing, but I guess there are exceptions to that rule, eh?
How is someone ‘nervously exhausted’?
I didn’t know Galvatron was the Transformers equivalent of Nyan cat. Instead of ‘Nyan nyan’, he goes ‘Mwaaaaaaa!’ because all villains make noises like that. It shows how evil they are. Megatron boils some more because he has no other emotion, Galvatron does a great job of being a useless dick, and all these other characters have zero purpose there. You know, they could be out there, fighting the Salamis instead of wasting their time on shitheads like these. But noooooo. There has to be these ridiculous reveals because we are all complete retards to get excited by this.
Oh, so NOW they’re fighting the giant robot dude? SMART. It took them that long to get their asses moving.
Cyclonus also goes to the other side because Reasons. We don’t need no stinkin’ explanations.
In all of the TL;DR chapters, the following happens:
-Stuff gets blown up
- Someone says stuff
- People act like idiots.
No one is in character. No one. Not even Soundwave. Soundwave! Galvatron you fucked over immensely. You must have thought that this portrayal of him was so evil and cool and chic, but you managed to fail on even getting his personality right. You do not mess with Cyclonus. You should probably re-watch the shows again. It’s imperative that you do.
“Shook his carcass” – He’s shaking his own dead body?
I’m confused. Is this giant black robot one of the Autobot’s own, or the enemy? You write that it’s the enemy in one moment, say it isn’t in the next, and manage to confuse a boatload of people. Or me, at least.
Starscream doesn’t know what’s going on? What the Hell has he been doing for the past chapter? Aside from sleeping and being Megatron’s bed-buddy? He’s really, really dense, isn’t he? He’s also a metaphorical wrist-slitter. Nice. What great character traits for Starscream.
One Insecticon talks about his twenty years of being an asshole. Okay. Who was he again?
No one cares. Moving on.
“Fantasist hypotheses” – Wat.
The Dinobots manage to be the most interesting thing in this story. The only things.
The romance is enough to make me gag. It is so forced and horrible there’s no way anyone is going to believe it’s realistic. Hell, even the canon characters, I don’t know who they are or what they’re doing there because you don’t make me care. What you’re good at is writing loads and loads of nothing, bad dialogue, and make up insane methods of excuses (Shockwave does not fly; he is too big for it) and more things that would probably be longer than my arm if I made a list.
My eye twitches as I write this review. This is God-awful.
There is no way a language barrier is going to be your excuse. It has a lot more to do with the fact that you can’t write worth two shits. Le gasp. TVTropes lied.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 2 . 2/26
Thundercracker? Doubting the Decepticon cause? That’s OOC for him. He’s a good ole boy, and he certainly wouldn’t ditch a cause he’s been in for over a million years because of a one chance decision. People don’t work like that. I still don’t know anybody’s actions or reactions in this story, because you haven’t been bothered to explain them.
“Embarrassingly close to his powerful body” – Now I know a woman is talking.
“...Starscream ashamedly resting his head on Megatron’s head” – Why? You’ve effectively made Starscream a female. Makes sense: all he does is whine, complain, and wait for a man to come and save her ugly ass.
Yes, we get that Cybertron is destroyed. That doesn’t automatically mean there’s going to be one huge truce between the Decepticons and the Autobots. There’s still Earth to fight over, and Cybertron’s moons. Again, I don’t know how or why Cybertron is gone. The Stalkers? Oh, Hell. They’re not a threat at all. Yeah, they blew up Tokyo but other cities are still standing. When you were writing this, did you ask yourself any of these questions? Ergo, the ones that actually matter?
As in: ‘How is the course of the future going to be affected by this one titular event? How are others going to react?’
I guess that would be too hard for you.
Starscream gets shot at, Megatron even more so, and there are all these fight scenes happening that manage to make Baysplosions seem logical in comparison. What on Earth is happening? You’ve written that null-rays destroy the Stalker’s shields, and have written that they are managed by organics. How in the sweet loving fuck are they pummeling everyone? It is an army’s job to discover the weaknesses of their enemies. If either Decepticon or Autobot was this retarded, there’d be no way their war would have lasted as long as it did. This makes as much sense as fucking nonsense.
Megatron is Skyfire...why? The hell is everyone becoming a jet? Oh, right; because you’ve said it’s supposed to be a war in the air, yet there’s no mention of the sort. There are a lot of med-bay scenes and Red Herrings that make me say: ‘Get on with it!’ Seriously, woman. Write what needs to happen and get on with it. All of this useless dialogue, these useless characters, and more just make this story a bigger and bigger piece of crap. The one good thing, though, is that nothing is happening so I can breeze right on through.
Oh noez Starscream’s spark is infected with an incurable virus and only true love can save the day. How’d he get infected? Running around with a tie-dye shirt? He has flashbacks when his daddy died and he can’t stop crying to Megatron. Get him a valium or shoot him dead, I don’t care. Enough with this shitty romance.
For a world or cities destroyed by Stalkers, everyone has a great time getting drunk, meeting neighbours, and doing things that show that they don’t really care they’re being invaded. I guess this little plot point falls apart, eh? Pretty stupid of you to ignore this. THEN you write in chapter seven that Tokyo and other places WERE invaded, and the Cybertronians and other Earth forces were doing fuck-all to stop them.
BRILLIANT WRITING TALENT YOU GOT THERE.
I just – seriously. What the fuck. This manages to be a really, really bad Terminator rip-off with Birdemic in there.
There’s some dude in a hood that’s Megatron’s brother or some shit. No one cares about him. There are more flashbacks and Starscream is so wonderfully OOC that he manages to be Suspender Striptease. Megatron shot Starscream’s brother or some shit and Starscream promises to NEVER FORGIVE HIM and yet will open his legs for Megatron’s giant purple wonder weasel.
Nerte is some chick who’s just there, and does a great job of dragging down and already nonsensical and hilarious story. If this is meant to be serious, I am not getting a shred of it. You are bad, my dear. Very bad.
Lol, ‘Machiavellian’. Honey, you probably don’t even know who he is, let alone his policies. Also, what in the sweet name of Jesus did you do to Shockwave? Him? Guilty? Talking to himself?
Megatron going to inflict punishment on him? What?
You need to watch the shows again. Shockwave is one of Megatron’s most LOYAL and TRUSTED lieutenants. Read those two capitalized words there. He was the WARDEN OF CYBERTRON. He is one of the most prominent and successful scientists in the ENTIRE DECEPTICON FORCE. He is ruthless, logical, cold, and calculating. There is a reason why he is the way he is. Megatron would have to be a complete retard to inflict punishment on the one Decepticon that is responsible for all the achievements in his army. That’s like cutting off a good arm just because it itches. And for what? Because of Starscream’s bratty brother? Who fucking cares? Megatron wouldn’t care. If Sharpshooter or whatever his porn name was, was as weak as you wrote him, there’d be no loss at all. But CLEARLY, you like to distort canon and characters in order to write this ridiculous plot that has more holes than a pot-holed highway in the winter!
Soundwave doesn’t give a damn about musical tastes. I guess it’s an excuse to post song lyrics, though.
Skywarp doesn’t know who Rumble and Frenzy are? Again, highly unlikely. Everyone knows who Soundwave’s minicons are.
If you’re wearing a mask no can see your smirk.
Soundwave? Gathering courage? Who the Hell is this guy?
Megatron’s bro is alive and well – like none of us couldn’t see that.
Megatron is fond of angry stares and acting like a bitchy housewife. This isn’t Megatron. Who the fuck is this guy?
“That’s insane, deeply insane!” – In which the author discusses her own story.
Rumble acts like a clichéd child getting thrown in the middle of a war, and while Tokyo is being bombed to shit, all of the Cybertronians are hanging around and having beers. There are all these stupid as fuck plot revelations that not even a six-year-old would be surprised at.
Megatron...becomes Galvatron...in canon. Here they are...twins?
You went full retard. Never, ever go full retard.
| The Fox Familiar chapter 1 . 2/26
You were recommended on TVTropes. I am here to see if your work is as good as they say.
For one, I do not care if you are French or English is not your mother tongue. In the Age of Information, there should be no excuse as to why you cannot write or speak English well when there are hundreds of opportunities for you. Second, from reading the summary, the plot is not anything new: it’s the AN ANCIENT EVIL AWAKENS plot. This was edited on December 2014, and even then, it still manages to read horrible.
Megatron is right: Starscream does complain too much. But it gets confusing because they are underwater one moment, above it the next, and there’s a big ship with forcefields and what have you, and no one can figure out what it is. That is not at all a cliché. Starscream and Megatron’s dialogue gets repetitive after the first five sentences, and any tension or excitement that is supposed to be here is not here. I can understand language barriers from time to time, but with betas, editors, and perseverance there is no excuse. But you, my dear, manage to bore me in the first chapter.
In chapter two, you begin with writing ‘blinding light’ from the setting sun. Usually the water isn’t that blinding, depending on where you’re at. They’re upset that they can’t see the reflection of a tower? Shadows fall pretty quickly over the sea and things disappear as soon as the sun sets. The light from the fading sun can confuse people easily. There’s also the problem with firing missiles underwater. Let’s look at how submarines do it. They have to be partially surfaced just to fire so their torpedoes can hit their targets. In modern times it’s a little easier, but the drag and resistance from the water makes them difficult to hit their targets. Oftentimes they end up dead in the water. I assume they’re at the bottom of the sea bed, and unless there’s some heavy propeller action going on, it’s going to be dead before it reaches the surface, and probably crushed by the pressure.
Just a little scientific tidbit.
You use the word ‘indignant’ twice, and ‘amused disdain’. Here’s what that word means:
-extreme contempt or disgust for something or somebody
-to regard somebody or something as not worthy of respect
Sometimes contradictory words can work, but in this case it doesn’t. He’s either amused at the action, or scornful of it. It can’t be both.
Starscream’s attempt at overthrowing Megatron was amusing, to say the least. Though I can’t see the reason for it, or for any of the Decepticon actions. They’re OOC and are good at standing there and doing nothing. When the ‘Armageddon’ happens, I’m left scratching my head. So soon? Who cares? What’s going on? It’s borderline confusing, dude.
In chapter three, the Autobots recover the Decepticons, the enemies are called ‘Sword Stalkers’ (pretty cheesy name, IMO), and there’s a lot of babbling about nothing. You also stated the obvious about Soundwave’s ability to carry symbiotes. We know this already.
“I still can’t understand you, Optimus!” – You said it, Rodimus. I don’t understand this, either.
“The face of evil” – JOIN ME LINK, AND I WILL MAKE YOU THE GREATEST FACE IN KOREDAI.
“It hurts just like Hell” – Cybertronians have another term for Hell. It’s called ‘the Pit’.
Megatron becomes a flyer and he sees volcanoes. Makes complete sense.
“The Stalkers of the Empire of Salonia” – What in the name of...? I didn’t know this was Dragon Age. It’s just as cheesy and just as poorly written.
Cybertron is destroyed? Well, that was fast. If this is G1, this is the year when Unicron devoured it. Regardless of this Salamis or whatever the Hell they’re called, nothing stands up to Unicron. That guy has devoured nearly a quarter of the universe. He is not to be fucked with. He is one of the most important antagonists of the entire Transformers lore. The only thing that can be as bad as an antagonist as him is the AllSpark. Yes, a God-cube can be an antagonist. It just hasn’t been used that way yet.
Chapter four has more drama llamas, screaming Starscreams, enraged Megatrons, and, well, flashbacks. Flashbacks can work in some cases, but they are so overused they quickly lose their charm. In your case it only serves to dismantle this story, not add to it. I am wondering how the Autobts, who control Earth, did not detect these ships at all; or how the Decepticons, clever as they are, did not spot them, either. Unless the Salamis have some advanced cloaking devices, there’s hardly any way they’re able to get past all the satellites that are floating freely in space. As I do not know this antagonist either, there’s no way of knowing how they’re going to handle Earth’s atmosphere and climate. It’s always, you know, good to establish your antagonist and not keep saying how evil they are.
There are a lot of Red Herrings, too: here and there between medbays, hostage situations, and flashbacks to falling on Cybertron. What purpose do they serve? If you can’t establish a clear threat in the first five chapters, how are you going to do it in thirty-five?
The Stalkers have batteries? Who knew they were Energizer batteries? And their shields can be disrupted by null-rays? What a shocker...then by that logic Thundercracker, Shywarp and Starscream should have easily picked them off. What’s the big hussle about? Who knows. All we get are these battle scenes that are outlandish to read.
Umm...do you realize how BIG Astrotrain is? He transforms into a space shuttle. All he has to do is sit on these Salamis and they’ll be squashed. It’s not that hard.
They’re in Tokyo when this is all going down? Why didn’t you write this before? That would make a lot more sense. So far, this story is making none.
If the Stalkers are that easily killed, they are a threat to nobody. Cybertron has been destroyed and this is never explained, and there are more flashbacks to when they attacked the Decepticons underwater. You don’t know how things work underwater, do you? You can’t shoot, and it is really, really hard to move. Hell, even throwing a punch takes a lot of effort and it probably won’t hit anything. Your fight scenes don’t make any logical sense. Would it hurt to watch an action movie once in a while? This story sure does rip off a few. I think of Godzillia, Independence Day, Armageddon, and a few more. It’s too bad there aren’t any Bruce Willis Transformers or Will Smith coming to save the day.
That would be something, and would make this story a helluva lot better. Like I said earlier, honey, your language barrier isn’t the reason for bad writing. It’s your mind. That’s always the number one reason. This story will be done five-by-five, making it easier and that way I won’t repeat myself.
Consider yourself lucky! You’re getting the reviews you want!
| tiedwithribbons chapter 20 . 4/13/2013
Megara, where aaaaaaarrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee you?
| angelKohaku chapter 19 . 10/17/2012
I love this story so far! But when I was looking at the top it said that the last update was in 2010. Are you still writing this?
| Acteon Carolsfeld chapter 35 . 1/8/2012
I know you haven't updated for a while now, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us. Your story is one of the firsts I've read when I got into the fandom, and it will remain one of my favourite stories of all time. The prowess of your imagination is incredible. Thanks again for writing such a great piece of work : )
| tiedwithribbons chapter 27 . 11/17/2011
Excuse me, Miss Liancourt, I can't help but notice you've updated Chroniques d'Ermengardis after 10 long months. I hope you won't think me rude, but I must ask - does this mean you're going to update Hunted Species again soon? I certainly hope so!
| Alderrin chapter 35 . 8/29/2011
Your story is wonderful and the idea is original. I hope you will continue it someday.
| DemonSurfer chapter 23 . 8/9/2011
And it's time to take another break. Honestly, I probably could finish this fic tonight, but I think it'll be better to stretch it out another day. Besides, I'm almost afraid to get to the part where Starscream finds out that he has no more antidote. Hopefully that fear/anticipation will fade by tomorrow.
I will say that I love how you write Galvatron; like some horrible mismash of Vortex and Skywarp.
| DemonSurfer chapter 10 . 8/6/2011
Alright. I promised myself that I would pause here before my continued reading made my brain explode like an overpowered Insecticon.
I must say that this is probably the longest-running TF fic on this site, and the first few times I passed it by as the summary didn't look too interesting and the word count was frankly terrifying. However I'm glad now that I chose to read it, and I'm going to have a hard time sticking to my self-made promise.
Just... holy fuck. I want to keep going, man.