|Reviews for Reaper|
| Erratta chapter 8 . 1/5/2007
Okay, here's the review!
It's looking quite nice now, like you said. I think I noticed a few phrases that weren't there before, but maybe that's 'cause I'm tired now.
As to the chapter itself, because I didn't comment on that in the email, I like it. I wasn't expecting Hotep Ra to come into the picture, but that's a good role for him. I like your inclusion of the Egyptian mythology. It's really a huge complicated world for this fic, isn't it?
I also love how Grim's not trusting Hotep Ra. That's smart of him, and a good touch. I'm guessing it's foreshadowing for later, when the treaty comes back to bite them.
This is the longest thing you've done? Wow, what an achievement! Congrads!
Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter. It's looking better and better!
PS - On the subject of rabbits and bunnies, I think I'll leave that for a while. Can't think of one at the moment. I'll let you know.
| Erratta chapter 7 . 12/4/2006
Hey, finally getting to this now that classes are over...
I really like your description in this chapter. You've obviously worked to get visuals for everything. I think your landscape description at the beginning could flow a little better, but I still like it. You've still got some problems with punctuation, mostly capitalization and run-on sentences, but other than that, it's good writing. You're good with dialogue, and the personalities of the ghosts are coming through. I can't remember, but hasn't Pyro been in the Ghost Zone for a few hundred years now? I find it hard to believe he's still acting like a teen if that's the case, especially if he's a general in Dark's army.
Nasty of you to leave us with that cliffie! Hope you can get another chapter up soon!
Hmm, if you're serious about trying to improve your writing, I'll beta you if you'd like... Just the basic fixits, or more if you'd like...
| Twisted Creampuff chapter 7 . 10/20/2006
at first i would have put you at about sixteen or seventeen, but your profile says fifteen, so i was close!:) *high fives*
| phantomshadowdragon chapter 7 . 10/19/2006
I wonder what Grim's lessons are going to be like. Why is Pariah so mad?
| SquirrelGirl13 chapter 6 . 8/17/2006
"was decorated in mostly greens and blues" ... any connection to Danny?
“You are rambling.” “Oh” lol!
This is getting good! Update soon when you get over that writer's block!
| phantomshadowdragon chapter 6 . 8/17/2006
So Dan's the one who killed Pyro and Grim. What is she talking about w/ Powerless Dragons? So the war is going to have all the out-of-time ppl. So thar means Dan and Danny and the other out-of-time ppl are going to be dragged into this mess. This is getting intresting. Keep up the good work.
| Erratta chapter 6 . 8/17/2006
Great chapter! It really did explain a lot, and let us see more of Lethor's and Meliain's characters. The Time Stream bit was interesting. You finally introduced Danny! And it's all Dan's doing... hmm, I wonder what he was trying for. I can't really see anything that needs improvement, but that might be because I'm kinda tired and hungry. That means you've improved a lot though!
Anyway, like I said, great chapter. Can't wait for the next one. Finally, the magic lessons!
| Rauros Falls chapter 1 . 8/12/2006
Hey! I got your PM. D I don't usually read fics with lots of OC's but since you asked, I started reading this one and actually don't mind it so much. I don't have time to read all of it right now, but I'll be sure to come back to it!
| SquirrelGirl13 chapter 5 . 8/10/2006
I like that Idea for a scythe! It sounds...for lack of a cooler counding word at the moment.. slammin!
“Well no, I mean yes, oh I don’t know." lol! He's got them there :P
"the majority of the frame was covered in a Celtic knot pattern" COOL! I got a Celtic knot ring and a Celtic star necklace! I want that door! :D
"it still was a favorable way to go especially because the spirits who faded did not go screaming in pain and begging for mercy while being consumed by black fire" Hey that other way sounds fun to watch though! :P
SKULKER ALL THE WAY! He so rocks!
| phantomshadowdragon chapter 5 . 8/4/2006
My b-day was awesome. I got 4-5 books, a poster, a shirt, pants, these shoes that are soo comfy, an awesome laptop, a ps2, $205.63, two manga books and about 70 dollars in bordars bookstore giftcards. Why does Pariah hate the scythe so much?
| Erratta chapter 5 . 8/2/2006
Hello there! I read this chapter when it first came up, but when giving structured criticism like to wait a bit and reread it before actually reviewing. Sorry if I got you worried or anything.
So... good chapter, and nice transition into the next one, which I assume will be the first lesson. Definitely not disjointed at all. Well done.
However, a couple things still need work. You've got a number of awkward sentences, where you've chosen the wrong verb or just have weird structures like "ornately decorated door that the majority of the frame." You could maybe add in a bit more punctuation (commas and apostrophes mostly) and descriptions of actions without harming the story either. A bit more proofreading and/or a beta could easily fix that.
You're definitely creating a picture of the Ghost Zone that's different from the slightly kooky and flat world we see on the show. I like that. It gives your story depth. I especially like the concept of Oblivion.
I'm curious why Lethor's being mysterious around Meliain about the future and his knowledge. I'll find out eventually though, I suppose.
You're right, my name does have the same rhythm as the really long word I'm refusing to type here. It's the standard Germanic meter.
Finally, I vote Aragon, because if this story starts in the Middle Ages, we'd be in the Age of Enlightenment right now, wouldn't we? Skulker's hi-tech suit and mentality wouldn't fit in there. My opinion, for what it's worth.
All right, does that long review make up for the lateness? You're welcome.
| SquirrelGirl13 chapter 4 . 7/18/2006
Lethor ... cool name...
Pyro rocks! Can he make me a scythe! :P
| phantomshadowdragon chapter 4 . 7/13/2006
Thanx for the B-day sentence. Cool, Grim reaper. What and when is the war going to be?
| Erratta chapter 4 . 7/13/2006
Just a spoonful of sugar... I have no clue why my name reminds you of Mary Poppins either. Weird.
Interesting chapter, though perhaps a smidgeon disjointed. Ah well, it's really hard to shift scenes sometimes, so I wouldn't worry. You're doing a good job otherwise.
I didn't clue in until now that Grim would have to be working for Pariah if he was a high ranking ghost. Smart thinking, and I'm sure that will come back again and again as the story progresses.
Just a guess here, but is Lethor Clockwork? I think I can see that, if he is. The sorcery lessons will be very interesting, regardless.
I shall await your update with pleasure,
| SquirrelGirl13 chapter 3 . 7/11/2006
YAY A SCYTHE! I knew he should have one! Yippie! Does it have a name? What colors is it! Powers! I MUST KNOW! (falls off chair) Ow...