|Reviews for RJ & Heather|
| Allie chapter 1 . 12/1/2014
Okay, I'll just come out and say it, and I'm saying it to help you improve. It's too... bare. It feels like bones of a story instead of an actual story. You need more and better descriptions, but you're just telling us everything instead of showing us. It might feel better if it wasn't divided into chapters. It also feels kinda redundant. Using a word too much in the same sentence, or in sentences too close to each other ("she then", I'm looking at you) will do that. "Said", of course, gets a free pass, and names, as long as you don't use them in every single sentence.
And it feels under-developed at points. Like when you said it had been three years and they were getting married. I felt sort of cheated out of some character and relationship developement, it could have been better elaborated. By the way, three years is sort of unclear. Three years since RJ joined the family or since he and Heather started dating? And Hammy still has bandages from getting hit about an year ago (at least that's what it reads like)?
The sex scene is bad. I'm not saying it's easy to write one, but that sex scene could have easily made for a T rating. You need to, again, elaborate more. If you read it and you get hot, or get a beta to do it and they think it's sexy, then it should be alright. Also, your grammar is not great, but if you read some more (books, not fanfiction, fanfiction can be very flawed depending on the author) and/or get a beta, then it can get better. Again, I'm sorry, but you can improve, I really believe you can
BUT, OF COURSE, there were good parts. Like Hammy. He's really in character, and he's hilarious, and poor thing, he keeps getting hit XD. And I really liked the line "What are you so upset about? You like me, what's wrong with that?" I can see it in my head, and it's cute. No, really, I actually grinned at that. I also love Ozzy's reaction. Hilariously in character. And then there the "allow me" at the end. That's really, really funny and I can totally hear him saying that. The exchange was something I enjoyed.
Good luck, and love. I really mean to help. I'm not that good, but I was so much worse when I was younger, and I really wish someone told me this kind of stuff. So there you go. Have a nice day :)
| milomeepit chapter 1 . 12/17/2011
| Allineed chapter 1 . 12/16/2011
Hey there. I liked it, it was nice. Thought it could be more elaborated. It was kinda short. Well, not kinda. it was too short, at least for what I have expected. But the idea is good, and it was still pleasent to read. I rather liked the "allow me" part XD. I really like the pairing. An advice? Try to elaborate it more, like getting thoughts of the characters. Another thing that you could improve is the fact that it's kinda impersonal. Maybe it was the point, seeing that movies don't use to have brooding or overthinking about some facts, but it would be nice. Just think about it.
| bob chapter 1 . 3/25/2011
aw, poor hammy
| amon chapter 1 . 12/18/2010
poor hammy, he's so likeable and excited and HOW DOES HE GET HIS ENERGY OFF OF NUTS!
| Xx Adorned by love xX chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
Ha Ha Hammy got hit twice in the head with rocks
| WeissKnight99 chapter 1 . 9/20/2009
nice hammy bashing here...
| JT chapter 1 . 9/6/2008
that was good, funny too.
| PrettyOdd333 chapter 1 . 6/6/2008
FRIGGIN HILARIOUS you should makes this into a series! EXTEND IT lmfao
"must... move... towards... the light! Lights fading limbs going weak"
| Aethryx chapter 1 . 1/26/2007
Poor Hammy, he's gonna get delirious from receiving two rocks to the head.
| GirlNextDoor228 chapter 1 . 7/30/2006
| writingrox12 chapter 1 . 6/30/2006