|Reviews for Overdone|
| xxFLaMiNG MiLCuTexx chapter 4 . 8/9/2014
Risa and satoshi drabbles XD how cute
| feedthegrimmjows chapter 101 . 3/10/2013
Aww, I love this pair and this fic was too cute! Great work!
| Gamma Cavy chapter 29 . 3/7/2013
bandaging your wings?
| Fanuilos chapter 10 . 8/30/2012
All I can see is them tossing the glove back and forth because they forgot a ball.
What would be truly angsty, and then, in contrast, showing actual advancement, is if you made Satoshi hesitant to join. Not know that he wants to desperately, but make him unsure about the activity at all. Unsure what it's like to interact with people. Then, when he says he would like to play with Risa, even when he's older than being likely to want it, it will show his improvement more clearly.
And also, by canon, the Haradas didn't know Daisuke before (and likely after) the incident with Riku's teddy bear.
| Fanuilos chapter 9 . 8/30/2012
I'm with you, Satoshi. The song is pretty pathetic. But the angel is worth watching. I think you meant "break" instead of "brake".
He would probably stand a fair chance of figuring out who the singer was from his focus on the voice. Unless she sings in falsetto... hm...
| Fanuilos chapter 8 . 8/30/2012
Satoshi probably had to scramble for the answer to what he wanted to do in his future, since he feels doomed to die young and his singular purpose is to capture Dark. That would lead this on a different path, but could get you to the same point. He would scramble for an answer, decide that teaching is not unappealing, and suggest that, but tack on that he would likely not be very good. He could be amused at her trying to encourage him on a career he randomly chose, and thus say it was only because she was his friend.
Their friendship is its own work of art. May it come to life in the manga as well.
| Fanuilos chapter 7 . 8/30/2012
I could never, ever accept Satoshi actually doing this. And there's not even a need to be good at fashion to realize that something is dreadfully wrong with the world when you see Satoshi in pink—and a clip-on earring? Good gracious.
Risa's reaction would be a bit more hilarity at first, I think, when she realizes how stupid he's being in a hopeless quest to get rid of his admirers. I know that I would facepalm in her place before telling him to take off the earring.
It would be great, though, if Risa offered to be his girlfriend instead. Then blush and stammer about it being just for show. Overdone, yes, but hey! I think you said something about that...
| Fanuilos chapter 6 . 8/30/2012
I noticed this question reoccurring in your little stories, but it catches me every time. I want to change "Why ask?" to "Why do you ask?" Especially in regard to Satoshi.
While the quote is not wholly accurate, it's still good. But the ending line? I still grin every time I see it. I can only imagine how embarrassed Risa was.
| Fanuilos chapter 5 . 8/30/2012
I can't help it. I shall now simply flop over and giggle at the cuteness.
In social matters, I am sure that Satoshi would defer to Risa anyway. He's more worried about Dark than trivial convention. But to take her hand?
I shall flop back over now.
| Fanuilos chapter 4 . 8/30/2012
"Because... it's quiet here. ... Or it /was/." Hee.
My delight over reading the curt "You do." is directly proportional to my disappointment in finding a cuss word immediately after it. It would detract nothing from the story if you found a replacement word, and you would have a wider audience pleased than now.
I still have fond memories of "their sakura", so much so that I wouldn't ask you to change it even though in canon he generally eats on the roof (and Daisuke started making it a habit to eat with him). The sakura paints a much more appealing picture.
| Fanuilos chapter 3 . 8/30/2012
I love the image of her spinning slowly, talking to him. As if it's completely normal for him to walk up out of nowhere and start telling her she's being silly. And I'm probably just angst-hungry, but I imagine Satoshi would not glare, but rather withdraw a bit after her comment about his being cold and dreary. There's a reason, after all. Also, with them by the mountains, they're likely to get a fair bit of snow in the winter.
You should probably make a note about the meaning of "baka" since you threw it in at random. Also, it's "its", which is possessive, not the contraction of "it is".
Though you made him a little dense in here, the whole thing is still cute. So far, Risa's been the driving force behind their relationship. Her interest in him begs the question of why. What started her desire to have him for a friend?
| Fanuilos chapter 2 . 8/30/2012
Simple, but the point comes across. Though it does lead one to question why Satoshi, who has been to college and back, would find it tedious to study for middle school. Also, just to point out canon, Yukiru wrote in her short story in volume 3, "A Day with Satoshi Hiwatari", she narrates: "Since he never has any homework (he does it all in class), he takes a bath and brushes his teeth. And by the way—HE NEVER HAS TO STUDY!" ... While we can all whine about how unfair that is, I'm sure he did plenty of studying in college.
Yet, with such a cute study partner as Risa Harada, who could help but want to study?
One rule of thumb to follow unswervingly is to never use contractions outside of dialogue. It degrades the quality of the narration.
| Fanuilos chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
First, I want to thank you for writing these. I remember finding them for the first time a while ago and they stuck out namely because they were some of the finest SatoRisa stuffs to be found on this site. I devoured the lot of them. Still, beyond just enjoying them, you also gave me a notion how to work the same sort of story format for myself. While other things prompted its actual start, this story lead me to want to do the same—which now I have, and I've been posting for almost a year. It's been a lot of fun and quite the adventure, so I wanted to thank you, as well as show my support. Let's hope that doesn't become overwhelming.
Overdone indeed, but who can help liking this for the ending? He definitely would make a good father. I very much cherish the hope that he will be, though only with this particular mother.
A few points I would make is that your concentration the books brings to light a few problems. She had been lugging the carrier and books with the same arm? Satoshi's pointing out about her arm feels forced, and while perhaps I am inclined to make him overly serious even for himself, he seems a bit too relaxed in here. Casual tone, tons of contractions, excessive emphasis, etc. I like to imagine him as almost perfectly composed and withdrawn. But back on the subject of the books, when she dropped them, she took an awfully long time just to pick up two books. Perhaps if you altered it so she set aside the carrier to smooth out bent pages?
Regardless. Very cute. An excellent start.
| anonymous gal chapter 101 . 10/21/2011
when the f will you update? I LOVE YOUR STORIES! 3 thanks for this.
| anonymous gal chapter 89 . 10/21/2011
my most favorite chapter here yet. I can super relate here. The guy i happen to like is just like Satoshi. I'm like Riku. You think we're compatible? hahaha