|Reviews for Discovery|
| Zhenta chapter 17 . 3/31/2019
Yay a Coran romance. Aww I love Coran. Wouldn't bank on him chsnging his ways tough! xx Looking forward to reading the rest.
| Sings-off-key chapter 42 . 6/29/2017
Love it! Such a great read and I am really, really anticipating Maiyn's further adventures in BG2...
| Sings-off-key chapter 7 . 6/27/2017
Recently bought BG1 EE-so, can play BG again! Woot! And naturally, I needed a fanfic fix and thought of you (am such a big fan). You never disappoint! Can't remember if I ever finished reading this story but I'll be finishing it now. So far, it's, well, terrific. :)
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 19 . 12/24/2009
Ahh, how lightly this chapter started, and how it ended up in reality. DD: Killing off a character is always a difficult decision, but there's a lot to be gained from it, as far as development goes. Or much to lose, depending on how it's done, but I think in your story this was a very opportune moment for such a thing.
And Maiyn's reaction to it was also extremely credible and balanced - it wasn't over-dramatized, but it wasn't played down like a trivial matter either. I'm sure I'll see more of the consequences later, too, and I can't wait!
"behind the archway out of harms way" - Needs to be "harm's".
I'll miss Branwen as a character - at least the potential that was there for her to make a greater impact on the general course of things. But I'm also eager to see some changes that are likely to come from this!
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 18 . 12/24/2009
I might be zoning in on a very small detail, but I like that you had the first guards they encounter here be half-asleep. It adds realism.
"Maiyn quietly praising the witch’s thinking as she saw the effects." - 'Praising' needs to be 'praised', most likely, since this sentence was probably changed and shortened at some point.
"he landed a devastating blow on the fighters head" - should be "fighter's".
"this level of thraldom is disgusts me" - An obvious extra 'is'.
It's also good to see Dynaheir get a few lines and a bit of character development of her own. Though it was really very little, and as far as the party goes she's still the least prominent of the characters so far.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 17 . 12/24/2009
The start of this chapter has a good pace, but there's this one part here: "Maiyn mumbled an acknowledgement, and Xan entered slowly, his face concerned. He immediately apologised for disturbing her, and asked if she would rather he left." I think this kind of thing isn't as suited for narrative as it is to... being actually put into dialogue. It would be more interesting for your reader to actually see your characters deliver the lines themselves, rather than being told that they did.
The peaceful atmosphere in this chapter was a very welcome change after how packed the last one was, and especially considering what a major plot arc will follow next. And there was yet again some very strong and important character interaction in here, this time between Coran and Maiyn. The conversation with Jaheira shortly afterwards is very well-done also. The whole situation is very... powerful, mostly through the things the characters say; they speak for themselves and give your reader a very clear idea of what they think and feel at the time, which is very, very good.
"having had enough her meddling ways." - An 'of' is missing there after 'enough'. And two more missing prepositions, a 'to' in "allowing her keep a hold of his hand" (after 'her'), and an 'of' in "had less chance encountering any random spiders" (after 'chance').
"if the prior discussion had looked not seemed a little heated" - The 'looked' is likely forgotten here from a re-write of the sentence and needs to be erased.
The last fragment of the chapter was a nice touch, too, from Branwen's perspective. It summarizes what the party has been like so far, and helps paint the image of the group in more clear terms. And the final paragraph is a nice "third-party-observation" finalizing touch to what's been going on between Maiyn and Coran.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 16 . 12/24/2009
"Jaheira and Khalid arrived at the Friendly Arms after of scouting around Cloakwood." - After...? A word got lost while typing, I think.
"how she has began to pick up m-magic" - Present perfect requires the past participle, so that would be "has begun".
I really like that you chose to follow Jaheira and Khalid and give them their own thread in the narrative. The conversation between them was really well-done here, especially how you single out each of their voices and show how they view things. Very in-character and very realistic, at the same time. You're really turning these two into significant figures, like the game implies they should be.
"It then raised its polearm and lunged to Maiyn." - I'm pretty certain 'at' is the obligatory preposition with 'lunge' in this particular context, not 'to'.
"It was a rusted from years of neglect" - The 'a' should be erased, I think.
Good way to handle Imoen as party leader, as well. It's pretty much like I always thought she'd be - it's not that she lacks leadership skills (quite the contrary, actually), but she has no desire to be leader, is all. And your Imoen seems to handle herself perfectly in the role, while not being too thrilled about it.
I also think it was a great idea to split your group with a plot twist like this in mind. It was a pleasant surprise to suddenly realize they'd be running into each other soon as they attempt to take on the same group of enemies! xD
"Minsc noticed Maiyn fall, and let out almighty roar." - There's a missing 'an' needed before 'almighty'. And in "the two fighters obliterated the kobolds standing in the way of them to get to their mage target", I think "in the way of them" is needlessly complicated and turns the sentence slightly chaotic, when it could easily be just "in their way".
"it looked different to how she remembered it" - I think this needs to be "FROM how she remembered it". I'm also not sure what's with the single "Father" at the end of this fragment, with no punctuation or anything else to hint at its function.
But I do like how you took this opportunity to reveal a little bit of Maiyn's younger days, and what she was like / how her relationship with Gorion and Imoen functioned back then.
And once again, you know just when to insert a great humorous Minsc bit to lighten things up - and you make writing him seem every single bit as easy as it isn't.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 15 . 12/22/2009
You've got a really nice - and valid - thematic/topic here in the starting bit for this chapter. Actually, there's probably two things, not just one. First, the elves vs. other races theme, and then Imoen's insecurity and questions about her friendship with Maiyn, in light of that. It's probably one of the best touches in the story.
I like how naive Maiyn can be at times - it's sort of an endearing attribute to her character. I wouldn't call her a naive person by nature, since she can be quite sharp and perceptive on many occasions, but there's this... inexperience about her, with subtle effects, that I think is a really nice trait.
Shorter chapter than the last few, but I think you found the perfect place to stop with it, so that fits just well.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 14 . 12/22/2009
I liked the conversation between Maiyn and Jaheira here at the beginning of this chapter. It was a nice way to re-establish their report, as well as trace some new goals and find a context that would allow the inclusion of more side-quests. All in all, very useful. Though I think Dynaheir could/should have been featured a bit more as well.
"You have experienced the creatures, and it may be good experience for you." - This sentence definitely needs a change, for multiple small reasons. The greatest of them, though, I think is not the inconsistency, but more rather that... it doesn't seem much like something someone would actually say. A rewording of the same idea that fits more naturally into the conversation would be good.
"a mutual respect for each others battle hardiness" - Missing apostrophe from "each other's". And a wrong preposition or small inconsistency here: "seemed to be happy in accept his way of thinking".
I just love these minor character development touches you add, on the other hand. They just keep coming, there's always something, and it really seems as though you've got some sort of supernatural talent at putting them in the right places. I don't know if you actually did or not, but it seems as though you planned them strategically. xDD
"Coran's voice seemed to drift lazily in the air, almost as laidback as the fighter himself seemed to be." - Pointing this part out just because I thought it was a particularly clever/skillful turn of phrase.
"Whatever you are talking about, Xan?" - I think the correct word order for this is "Whatever are you talking about?"
In "How'd you mean?", I think it should be typed as "How d'you mean?", since the apostrophe is supposed to take the exact place of the elided vowel, and in this case it's the 'o' in "do".
"and when better to try them when in the lands where they are produced!" - The second 'when' was probably meant to be 'than'.
All in all, the chapter was more of a set-up and didn't move the plot forward too much. I've noticed that you sort of alternate them like that - a pretty action-filled bit, then a tamer one. Though they're not exactly constant. But I think it's a good pace, sort of like in the real world - sometimes a lot happens and other times there's nothing much.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 13 . 12/20/2009
Okay, this chapter has the *perfect* beginning. Not only is it a scene made of total win (poor Maiyn! xD), but it's also the best pace-setter this story has had so far. Now the reader is expecting this chapter to accomplish something - something substantial, which involves both plot AND character development. And I also found the way Maiyn reacted here very realistic, which is essential to have in a good character - I love that she was flawed in this instance, and prioritized herself almost instinctively.
"She dropped her pack as turned back" - Either 'and turned back' or 'as she turned'. And in "Imoen nodded, and let watched him follow her friend", minus the 'let'.
I see that this also gave Coran a chance to expose some of his traits and hint at what the readers should expect from him in your story. I have to say that I like him so far, especially how logical he seems to become when faced with a problem, while at the same time he's still a bit of a gambler... treating everything a bit like a game.
The short moment of comic-relief with Minsc was very well-placed, offering an interruption at quite possibly the most opportune moment ever. In the middle of all this serious phobia and battle stuff, it was a more than welcome break.
All in all, there was far less plot in here than would have been expected from the beginning, or it wasn't really the focus of things at least, but you delayed it in favor of some pretty interesting character interaction, so I for one am completely happy with it. I think the start of the romance-conflict was very well-done and pretty elaborate, so it's going to be quite credible as it evolves, I would say.
And there was just this gradual... familiarization of party members with each other, with everyone falling into place, that was just great. I'm wondering how Khalid and Jaheira and Dynaheir will manage to reintegrate after being absent for so long, though!
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 12 . 12/20/2009
I love the comic relief scene this chapter begins with! I don't know where you get some of these ideas, seriously, but it was brilliant. At the beginning of the chapter, it's also rather... a pace-setter. And, all in all, the chapter was just a lighthearted interlude of sorts, so it works out very well.
The interactions between Xan and Kivan and Imoen and Xzar were interesting as well!
"Wait, wait" cried a voice as they turned along the side of the home. - Comma or exclamation mark needed after speech.
Maiyn's first contact with Coran couldn't have been more perfect than this, too. For one thing, I quite liked seeing how being in the middle of nature affects her mood - a nice touch and something you were almost required to pay attention to. And secondly, I think it was a pretty good start for their report, too. Not instant friends, but not exactly at odds, either. It's more... like they're potentially curious about each other, which is good.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 11 . 12/18/2009
This is probably a good moment to remark on how I've noticed that you use run-on sentences quite a lot in your narrative sometimes. I see a lot of people frowning on these, but personally I find that they help the flow of the read. Except a few rare cases. So far, yours have been great, except the one I see at the start of this chapter: "Branwen and Minsc were just behind, the priestess had a prayer ready, and the warrior was ready to take on anyone who got too close to the archers." - This really doesn't work that well, as the pause in the read should be a bit longer and more definite than a comma before "the priestess", so it would probably be much better with a semi-colon there instead.
In "Branwen led her army of undead slightly further away, and laying in wait for the attack", there's a conflict of verb tense between the first clause and the second.
"But I am tired." she thought. - Comma instead of full-stop after 'tired'.
"perhaps there he is now there" - Pretty obvious, the first 'there' needs to be removed. Same thing for the first 'the' in "he experienced the much of the same".
I've loved a lot of things in this chapter, but probably the conversation between Kivan and Maiyn most of all. It was, I think, the perfect example of two characters whose personalities are just right for them to get along swimmingly. I'm obsessed with character reports, and this one's been the fic's grand success in that department so far.
The combat scene at the beginning of the chapter, though, particularly the tactical and strategic part of it, was great as well. Just like in your dialogue, you're able to handle a large group of people very effectively in your writing.
I also think it was great how you chose to deal with Imoen's decision to continue learning magic, especially when you had her notice that she didn't excel at anything, and needed a domain of her own to be extremely good with.
And, last but not least, I like that you continue to compare Maiyn and Imoen to each other quite a lot. I've always found that the game had a subtle focus on the contrast and similarities between PC and Imoen, and you're even taking that one step forward.
Needless to say, I was delighted to see who came to the group's aid, too!
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 10 . 12/17/2009
This was a great chapter start - the idea of pretty much beginning with a battle, at least, since it kept things very alert. And I really like how Maiyn took a background role for this fight, and the party handled it pretty much without her - after all, it is a main character's job to monopolize things, yes, but not... all the time. The only bit of criticism I have for it is that the fight completely ignores the environment - which is, after all, just a room in an inn, so the lack of space and the presence of furniture should have featured somehow, I think.
"The magic protections of the mage seemed to protect him" - This small part needs a bit of variation in vocabulary, since it repeats two ideas exactly.
I'm impressed with how you never miss the opportunity to add things in and round up your story with the details it needs. It seems like so much to keep track of, and yet you're doing it admirably. Like it was now with focusing on Maiyn's Bhaal-given powers a little and reminding your readers of them. And, of course, with this you've also moved the main plot into its next stage once more! I'm growing increasingly curious to see if Dynaheir and Jaheira and Khalid will return at a crucial moment, and maybe what they've been doing, if you'll disclose that.
Also, the Minsc bit was absolutely priceless. xDD
The ending line is great, too, since it's just what your reader needs to be curious about the next chapter. I know that I now want to see what 'plan' Maiyn has.
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 9 . 12/17/2009
Ah, the inevitable Imoen-shows-interest-in-magic turn of things is here, I see! I think you chose your timing quite well. It's early enough into the story to give it a credible amount of time, but it's not right off the bat either. I'd definitely love to watch the development of this, so I hope you chose to include more of it and I'll see it later on!
And you still write the best Minsc I've ever seen. xDD I envy you that. I think I wouldn't be able to write him to save my life.
"Apparently, this one is," replied Maiyn, her eyes still on the fowl. - Since she's referring to the act of speaking, I think that should be "this one does".
"relented Maiyn, after a moments thought" - An apostrophe is needed, "moment's".
You know, this chapter seems to have been almost entirely focused on magic and magic-users, all in all. xDD Though, of course, Kivan joined the group, and I think I remember him being an important character in Reclaiming as well, so I'm looking forward to seeing how that came about!
| Brynn Dharielle chapter 8 . 12/16/2009
Oh! I love your background for Khalid and Jaheira. You didn't go into too much detail on how they met, but what you did disclose is really such a great idea. It fits in with... absolutely everything about the two, so much that I'm seriously amazed.
I see you opted to differ from the in-game bio for Garrick, though. And if he was born in Saradush in your universe, does that mean he'll be appearing there in ToB for your party? I'm so curious about that now!
I think you shaped up Imoen's "profession" extremely well, too. And I loved Dynaheir's subtle caution, and the description of Minsc through Maiyn's eyes near the end of that scene was just... perfect. This is such a great character development chapter! With some very strong dialogue bits, as well.
And, at the same time, you wasted no time and included some plot, too, anyway. So it wasn't a single-minded chapter at all, even with all the amazing character focus! You're starting to really personalize the story at this point. And I have to say I'm now insanely curious to see exactly where it's going and how the differences will end up affecting everything and everyone.
As for concrit...
"I'm going up to see what's holding them up," she said, getting up and stomping towards the stairway, (etc) - You're using 'up' there three times, and I think it's a little jarring. But luckily the first one is perfectly erasable, I think.
I'm also not sure if they have tissues in the Forgotten Realms. xD That, and the idea of going to the temple seemed too... random. There was no logical base for it, so it might be a good idea to include something, no matter how small, that might have made Maiyn think of it.
"any objections to the groups decisions" - An apostrophe is needed, "group's".
"I am Brother Nalin" he said to her. - A comma after 'Nalin' there.
All in all, though, I think this has been the best chapter in the story so far. It's full of a lot of inspired choices and bits that make your reader eager to read on. Or, at least me. xDD