|Reviews for Chronicles of a Champion|
| Dark Raku chapter 4 . 3/19/2007
This is a really interesting story, and i hope you continue soon. If you wouldn't mind would you read my LoZ story The War Of Time and tell me what you think?
Keep up the good work.
| Ganheim chapter 4 . 3/16/2007
Navi sniffed delicately and sneezed, waving the dank smell away from her small nose.
[This would serve as an excellent identifier for Navi’s line, yet it’s tacked onto Link’s paragraph. I’d move it down. Remember to keep the paragraphs one-source. Either the dialogue/action/introspection comes from one person or another, but mixing them is often a bad idea.]
Link tore his gaze away from his surroundings and spared Navi an exasperated glance.
[Link’s action, tacked onto Navi’s dialogue. Confusing.]
“You were the one who encouraged this trip.” Navi huffed slightly as she
[You’re mixing the sources again. Link’s line, Navi’s action. Please separate, doing that is bad grammar.]
The sooner we break this curse, the better.” Link nodded and
[Source mixing. Navi’s dialogue should not show up in the same paragraph as Link’s actions, and vice-versa.]
A ramp of some kind jutted out from the wall above his head and spiraled high into the air, and Link could barely make out what looked like platforms far above them.
[It seems that the intention is that he’s seeing those platforms, but he isn’t able to make out very much about them. The word that more clearly implies that is “faintly”, instead of “barely”.]
He stepped further into the room,
[This doesn’t imply clearly that he goes very far, and your descriptions above clearly indicate that this is a cavernous space, and I remember clearly from the game that the gap covered by the spider web is centered in the tree and a ways in (seemed six to eight yards if the perspective of the game map wasn’t too skewed).]
but cried out in surprise and jumped back as though bitten
[These two phrases accomplish the same purpose, and if you’re going to want to create emphasis later it would probably be a good idea to consolidate here.]
when the floor beneath his foot sunk into something sticky.
[Since the floor disappeared, wouldn’t it be his foot, not the floor, that sinks into something sticky?]
Link edged closer to it and motioned Navi towards him,
[If he stepped onto the web, wouldn’t he already be on the edge.]
Link could see a great body of water flowing beneath them.
[Wasn’t the body of water either circulating gently or stagnant?]
He shivered and Navi chimed her agreement.
[This is a transitionary sentence, and would be one of the few exceptions to “one source, one paragraph”, because it begins with one subject continued from the rest of the paragraph and smoothly moves into the next, opening the next sequence of action/dialogue.]
Link made violent shushing gestures at her.
[This, however, violates the ‘one source, one paragraph’ rule.]
I don’t want to think about that.
[You already used ‘that’ in the previous sentence. To keep the sentence structure varied, ‘it’ would work even better.]
Let’s just get going…” Navi hid her irritation and
floated closer to the walls, and thus the vines.
[Pick one to mention to draw the audience’s attention to it. Earlier descriptions already inform us that the vines are on the walls, as opposed to hanging down randomly from the ceiling. I think that mentioning just the vines would work better.]
“Here, Link. You should be able to climb these.”
[This entire paragraph repeatedly violates the ‘one source’ rule. Though one of the exceptions to the rule includes reactions, in my experience this applies only to fight scenes, where the dialogue isn’t there to intrude. Unfortunately, the presence of dialogue is where the rule has to be even more strictly adhered to, or else you run the risk of telling the audience that the wrong person is talking.]
Navi flew ahead of him, lighting the unsteady path beneath and before him with her blue glow.
[Due to the fact that the path is rising, saying ‘beneath’ may seem contradictory, so stick with ‘before’ and delete ‘beneath.]
his breathing keeping an unnatural rhythm with his footsteps and the shadows growing as she sped farther away.
[‘unnatural’ and ‘rhythm’ together seem like an oxymoron, I’d just use ‘rhythm’ and the sentence works fine.]
pressed up against a wall that was covered with the same slippery vines Link had climbed before.
[‘Like’ or ‘the same’?]
The metalwork didn’t so much as gleam in Navi’s light, so covered in rust and grime was it.
[Yoda speak. Please rephrase, there’s no need to try to flip the word order of the sentences.]
The (admittedly blinding) light that issued from the chest holding the Kokiri sword didn’t occur here,
[I was once told by a grammarian that parenthesis are used to say “I’m sorry the stuff in these parenthesis is here because it’s really not necessary and if it was removed from the sentence nobody would notice”. In this case, I think that applies. Nothing is added, and parenthesis are a bad idea in almost all circumstances, so I’d delete them and everything in between.]
Now we can’t get lost!”
[The water temple and Princes of Evil who designed it beg to differ.]
Link wondered briefly why there was a map of the inside of the Great Deku Tree.
[Realistically thinking, that’s a pretty good point. Why would the inside of a sacred tree have a map of its insides? If it existed, why would it be held inside the tree itself?]
He had already decided he was going to run home and curl up under his blankets once this was all over.
[Why? Is it particularly cold? Isn’t he getting a rush from the first-in-his-life thrill of andrenaline.]
He inspected it, and realized with a jolt that it had no handle.
[‘jolt’ implies sudden shock, there isn’t really anything sudden about this. It’s a door.]
He groaned in frustration and leaned against it, wondering why anyone in his or her right mind would install a door with no knob
[Standard practice for centuries in many cultures. In the Middle East, it was more common for a doorway not to have a door than to have one (a door is seen as a way to close oneself off, which makes you suspicious), and in the Far East most doors slid in narrow tracks. In Europe, many doors would swing and didn’t have any latches or handles. The easy reason is that it appears that the OOT world more closely resembles an early 1500s European city-state in which doorknobs were common.]
He put the sword away and jumped out of the way of the attack,
[Repeated use of ‘away’. Try ‘path’ for the latter.]
Link cast it a confused glance (who’s ‘queenie’?)
[Everything in the parenthesis are a sudden, jarring interruption in the sentence. Either tack that question as its own sentence after this one or delete it altogether.]
“It looks like platforms pushed into the ground.”
[Yes, technically that’s what they are, but those were elements of the game to create a puzzle for the player to solve through. You’d be hard pressed at best to find a logical explanation for them to exist in a more real-world setting. I realize that there is a danger of deviating from the canon, but in creating a novelization, things need to be changed. I’m novelizing A Link to the Past, and I can guarantee you that every single dungeon and building has been changed to give it a more realistic feel. If I or one of the readers wanted a straight replay of what happened in the game, we’d most likely open a guide or – even better – set down the computer and go play it.]
Link’s mind immediately went the odd metal box thing he had seen upon first entering the room,
[I highly doubt the compression switches could be described properly as a box. A dais might be better, depending on what you’re shooting for.]
Try stepping on it; it should do something.”
[“It’s a big red shiny button. Do you want to push it?”]
but swallowed back his trepidation and ran towards it full pelt,
[I believe the phrase is ‘full tilt’, a term deriving from naval terminology when the speed control lever would be levered as fully to the right as it could go.]
His bad leg pulsed with agony as he forced it to support his weight,
[Though I know I complained the entire time you were beating him up, I’m glad to see that you’re remembering some of his injuries. Except his broken ribs. Even after a week it’s not likely that bruised ribs would be healed.]
The terrace was still two platforms away, and as he grudgingly leapt to the next one an ominous ticking began to echo somewhere behind the walls of the room.
[That was much too much a straight ‘this is what happened in the game’, because the ticking was a gameplay balancing element and had no realistic explanation.]
“Are you alright?”
[‘Alright’ is a generic way of saying “ok”, “all right” is a more fully written way of inquiring more complete health.]
A bag of what looked like Deku Seeds (a once over them proved his suspicions to be correct)
[It would be so much faster to just say ‘a bag of Deku seeds’.]
He squinted and could barely make out the small splotches of brown from the overwhelming white…
[A ladder isn’t very big in continuous size. Wouldn’t it be lines or traces, instead of splotches of brown?]
“Climb those,” she ordered him shortly.
[Not noticing the skulltas that were quite clearly visible in all versions of the game I’ve played. Or at least I thought so, though I’ll grant that having played the game so many times, I know where they are without having to even specifically see the screen.]
Aside from the source-mixing within the paragraphs, this was a fairly good chapter. The portion of the platform puzzle seemed a little too directly from a walkthrough, I confess that it's difficult to find the line between good novelization, over-deviation from the base, and writing what is too close to a walkthrough. As I mentioned in my previous review, "Black Mesa" skips over numerous of the puzzles and fights in Half-Life in interest of advancing the drama and plot of the story, but it's still a damn good novelization and plain good story. What I meant by flexibility was that although yes it is important to remain true to the original, you really do _have_ to deviate from OoT at least a little. Even in my novelization-in-progress of "A Link to the Past", I skimp over several of the puzzles and every single boss fight has been altered from its portrayal in the game. It's the same idea as making changes when going from book to movie, for the sake of making a good movie you _can't_ do a 100% move over from the book. There are some things that you have to leave out, and some things will inevitably be created that weren't there originally.
God bless and happy writing,
| FadingPawPrint chapter 4 . 3/3/2007
you gonna update? I cant wait for the next chapter. Oh, you know when the tree dies and Mido gets pissed at Link? Well, can you have Link get tougher at the end - cuz he DID beat the evil queen thing - and have him teach Mido a thing or two?
| Ganheim chapter 3 . 3/3/2007
It’d serve you’re bloated ego to vandalize the place,
[Word confusion: you used “you’re” (contraction of “you are”) when “your” (possessive of “you”) belongs.]
Link’s fist clenched tightly enough to turn the knuckles white, but reigned in his temper with ferocity.
[Ferocity is typically used to describe the expression of violence, of action. For inaction another phrase like “tenuous control” or something along those lines.]
tinkling with satisfaction when she heard the tell-tale crack of the bone breaking in his now bloody nose.
[I would neither have expected Navi to be big/strong enough to break Mido’s nose (either bone or capillaries) or to have the gall/fury to do so. Especially the capability, with just propulsion of a small set of wings and lacking the size or leverage that a person standing on the ground would have, I don’t see her being able to do any more than break a few capillaries in a lucky hit.]
Standing at what must have been six feet or more, the thing’s long,
[Though I’ve heard that replays of the Master Quest version have giant Deku Babas (which would possibly stand six feet), but the standard and OoT classic version indicates that they are closer to three feet tall.]
releasing Link from it’s strangling hold.
[Remember that if you’re still sticking to a highly realistic portrayal of the events in Ocarina of Time, Link is already injured, further injury will reduce his capacity to fight through the Deku Tree and require healing later, and you’ve indicated in the first chapter under his beating from Mido that he is passive and has a relatively low pain tolerance.]
a snarl pulling at the thin lips of its jaws in a threatening manner,
[I didn’t think it had lips.]
The monster screamed and pitched forward, its dagger-like incisors flashing in the gloomy sunlight that floated down from the treetops.
[I think you’re making them too threatening, and though it’s been some time, I clearly remember that their ‘teeth’ were small, if one wanted a realistic dimension they would probably be less than an inch.]
gently patting his pale and sweaty cheek in comfort.
[If he’s sweating already, either from physical exertion or fear, then he’s obviously not ready for what lies ahead. Breathing heavily would make sense, but he would have to be in relatively good shape to have slipped through Mido and gang, and have suffered under their repeated beatings in his past.]
gesturing with almost barely visible hands towards his bloody and gashed limb.
[Either her hands are visible or they’re not. Remove “almost” if you want to imply that they are visible to some degree, or remove whole mention of them if they’re not. I think you intended for them to be just enough for Link to see, so deleting “almost” should fix the problem.]
a simple blow to the stem took care of them easily.
[Considering the fact that they keep their bulb-head at him at all times, the easiest portion to strike would be the head instead of stem.]
Link watched in awe as swirling lights floated, mesmerizing, past him,
[‘Mesmerizing’ disrupts the flow of the sentence, my best recommendation is that you delete it.]
but booming as if a large gong had been struck with force.
[‘with force’ is unnecessary.]
[He’s going from numbing shock to jumpy anxiety too quickly.]
I couldn’t make it too easy (no matter how easy the Deku Babas actually are, it’s his first time actually using the sword) but I didn’t want to make it too difficult, either.
[Given Link’s personality that you’ve presented so far, I think leaning on the side of ‘easy’ over ‘hard’ would have been better because this would have provided a vital boost in confidence and given him a relatively safe feel for using the sword.]
but I’m not sure I got it spot on.
[You have flexibility to deviate somewhat from the dialogue when writing a novelization. If you look on my favorites, “Black Mesa” of Half-Life, that deviates quite a bit from the canon game but I still thought it was so well done that it earned a permanent spot in my favorites.]
You're tuning up Link's pain tolerance and appear to be toning down his receiving injuries, which is a good thing for the progression of the story. My only warning is to watch out from injuring him too badly because whatever he gets will have to heal unless you're going to have floating hearts start appearing out of no-where. Good job on everything else, though, the characters are pretty much consistent and nothing specifically jarrs against canon. If you want, my beta-reading offer (standing on my profile) stands, and if you have time I'd also like to see your feedback on one of my stories.
God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 2/8/2007
He flinched slightly as a twang of pain shot through the wrist bone of his right hand, but he simply ignored it and concentrated on trying to sleep.
[Pain would probably be either ‘from’ a bone, or just at a joint. There aren’t actually nerves in the bone structure, the pain comes from the tissue all around them that’s disrupted by jagged calcium. I also need to point out that if you’re going to be making a realistic portrayal of Link’s adventure, you should stop injuring him so badly, because if this is just a matter of days as you imply, he’d barely be mobile enough to walk around in his house, much less get started on his adventure. The trip would take years just because he’d have to constantly stop and wait for weeks or months to heal.]
as he waited out the time it took for his injured and weak body to recover.
[Repetition. Either use ‘injured’ or ‘weak’, I’d go with ‘injured’ because that would emphasize the temporary nature of his current physical state, while ‘weak’ could reinforce weakness of character and not just body despite the wording presented.]
Saria—for whatever reason, one which he surely could not fathom—had taken pity (at least that’s what he believed it to be) on him and now brought him food, all-natural salves, among other things that he required to live.
[Wordiness. Saying ‘for some reason he couldn’t fathom’ would shorten the interjection, but that whole segment isn’t really necessary. Neither is the adjective ‘all-natural’ since they’re in a forest and have limited available technology, and you could chop off ‘among’ and everything after, since it doesn’t add anything to the plot or immediate narrative.]
—it was a rule that even Mido dreaded the idea of breaking.
[From what you’ve shown of Mido, I don’t think he’d care about seeming rude, but he certainly wouldn’t want to cross the Deku Tree. Also, this phrase could be compacted by replacing ‘dreaded the idea of’ with ‘feared’.]
Saria had stopped by earlier that day to check on his condition and bring him a few fruits and vegetables,
[“Had” is unnecessary. Remember, while you want to clearly describe your environs, this isn’t as significant a requirement in fanfiction and especially novelization, and you want to avoid being overly wordy or you risk boring your readers. It only takes a tiny bit before readers subconsciously start skipping over passages.]
healthy green leaf that had no doubt been taken from the Lost Woods—
[“Healthy” is unnecessary, it duplicates the purpose of the adjective ‘green’ without giving us any truly specific information so I would delete it.]
it was the only place you could get ones so big.
[Although this instance is informative, it doesn’t advance the characters, narrative, or greater plot.]
this time absently examining the cracks and small, almost unnoticeable—but certainly natural—designs that swirled through the sturdy wood that made up the walls of his tree house.
[Again, you’re being wordy on things that don’t advance plot, characterization, or narrative. Delete ‘almost’ to ‘natural’.]
Saria had said, with a slightly worried and anxious expression, that he would be well enough again to venture outside the safety of his home and once again brave the Kokiri Village by the end of the week.
[With the passage of time implied (a matter of days but not weeks), this is logical, but he would need a long time to be healed enough to be ready to face the foes waiting for him in the bowels of the Deku Tree. There’s a reason why good games make it easy to restore health – it encourages the players to keep playing by keeping the progression of action from becoming boring by having to stop and heal naturally. You’ve already made Link relatively soft and weak, unless you rewrite the previous chapter and this one, you’ve established that Link can’t take a hit and if he can’t do that, he can’t effectively fight because he won’t be able to dish it back out either.]
Link winced when he imagined the beating that awaited him just beyond his doorstep.
[In case I haven’t made it clear enough before, hardiness isn’t just a physical matter, it’s mental. If he isn’t prepared to be injured, then he won’t be able to put any energy into his fight and he’ll be injured even worse. The phrase “cowards die many times before their death” is true on many levels, keep it in mind.]
and he was positively certain that they would take full liberties to pay him back for leaving them bereft of their hobby.
[Repetition: “positive” and “certain”, just use one.]
A frustrated sound escaped from the back of his throat and he pushed himself out of bed, ignoring the aching protest his still-tender leg made.
[Wordiness: simplify “aching protest”, preferably to start shifting the narrative portrayal to his ability to grit through pain and get the job done, or he’ll be bedridden for the whole story.]
The sudden shift in weight almost made him topple over, but he grabbed the edge of his bed and steadied himself, cursing mentally in his head as he did so.
[Repetition: ‘mentally’ and ‘in his head’. Pick one, I recommend the shorter one.]
When he regained his equilibrium he crossed the room at a steady, albeit slow, pace and gently pushed aside the curtain that served as his front door and stepped out onto his porch,
[You’ve already stated that he’s making his way carefully, deleting ‘albeit slow’ would help remove the constant reinforcement of Link’s inability to complete basic tasks.]
—which, thankfully, Mido had not yet thought to rig with a prank or two.
[I would have stopped at ‘hobbled to the ladder’, this doesn’t advance our knowledge of Mido or the plot.]
…as he gradually descended the ladder, rung by rung.
[As opposed to tipping it over and falling. Too wordy, compress the information presentation, in this case by deleting ‘rung by rung’.]
They didn’t yet know he was out of bed and about though so he was safe, for the moment.
[Wordy. You could have just said ‘they didn’t know he was out and about’, that would have gotten the point across quite well.]
And take a walk he did.
[You’ve already implied that he’s out, this adds nothing to the narrative, plot, or characters. It’s important to tell the audience what’s going on, but remember that certain details are pivotal and others are distracting.]
As he paced past the glistening, clear pond that rested before the local shop he admired the unseen beauty of the forest at nighttime.
[If it’s unseen, how is he seeing it?]
True, he had been out after dark before, many times staying out until dawn or later, but he had always been sneaking about, trying his hardest not to be caught.
[Generally when people are sneaking, they’re trying not to be caught. Deleting “trying his…” from the sentence will streamline it and remove unnecessary wording.]
Traditionally, he thought morbidly but not without humor, such situations didn’t allow one to stop and ‘smell the flowers’ as the saying went.
[Wordy. Couldn’t you have just said ‘normally such situations didn’t allow him to stop and smell the flowers’?]
A small smile slipped across his worn and pained features as he turned on his heels and started back towards his home.
[Wordy, similar words. Pick either ‘worn’ or ‘pained’, ‘worn’ might work better because it would emphasize that he’s having success braving through his current injuries and lend credibility to his ignoring them in his quest to save the Deku Tree later.]
The thought made his feet move faster on instinct.
[Repetition: ‘the thought’ and ‘on instinct’, I’d keep the first one because it makes the sentence a better transition.]
He wasn’t sure he was well enough to run yet, but he’d sure as all that was holy not tempt fate with such a thing.
[Or ‘he wasn’t willing to risk it’?]
He was not twenty feet from the base of his tree house when a sudden rustling of the bushes caught his alert attention.
[‘Alert’ is unnecessary.]
His legs sped up and he locked his gaze on the ladder, ignoring everything around him as he all but ran for the safety of his home.
[At his current psychological state, all of the indicators point to ‘run’, not ‘be careful of your injuries’. He’s finally starting to act in the interest of not getting more injuries.]
The bushes rustling got louder and he heard something burst out of them behind him, but didn’t look back to see just who—or even what—was pursuing him.
[Though “what” is technically fitting given the later explanation, he’s still thinking that it’s Mido, so to maintain a little more continuity with the limited third-person, I’d delete that segment within the hyphens.]
Odd, he thought, after a minute of listening.
[A minute is a long time. A moment isn’t, though.]
Agony exploded in his skull and stars danced before his eyes.
[I don’t see any reason why ‘exploded’ was italicized, it doesn’t need to be set apart. Actually, to help the sentence flow, I don’t think it should be.]
He stumbled from the blow and landed with a slam on his knees, causing even more pain to shoot through him.
[He’s in a grassy forest, even if he does land hard on his knees – which would require enourmous momentum that Navi’s impact couldn’t have short of ramjet velocities – he would just hit the ground, no especially hard landing or additional pain/injuries.]
This—coupled with a lack of sleep and heightened nerves—forced him away from consciousness.
[A long way of saying ‘he fainted’.]
Confusion spread across his features and he sat up, hissing slightly at the horrible headache that throbbed at his temple.
[Who knew that fairies were as hard as Deku seeds?]
He blinked in surprise as Saria stepped into his vision, extreme concern warring with aggravation for dominance on her face.
[In the case of warring emotions, it’s sometimes better just to mention the two, stating that one is extreme would imply that it is the dominant expression and overly diminish the other.]
You aren’t recovered yet!
[Grammar: should be ‘haven’t’, not ‘aren’t’.]
You might have taken some serious damage!”
[And you only have three hearts! Change the reference to ‘injury’ to remove the reference to artificiality that ‘damage’ carries with it.]
but she merely shook her head and stood back, a slight joy spreading across her face.
[Do you mean a smile? Joy is something that consumes the entire body expression, a smile is something that can be subdued.]
I’m Navi, and the Great Deku Tree’s summoned you to him!”
[While Link is still so badly injured that he can’t even run. Wow, smart going, Deku Tree!]
She scrutinized him carefully.
[Caused by a lack of change in his confused expression, perhaps?]
Link jumped up from the bed and yelped slightly as the sudden movement jarred his headache,
[Indicating yet again how woefully unprepared he is to do squat.]
and Saria stepped forward in concern before Link waved her off.
[Wouldn’t he interrupt her with his exclamation?]
That was easier than I thought it might be…
[Grammar: should be ‘would’ instead of ‘might’.]
so hurry up and move it!”
[While he’s still hardly capable of walking.]
Mido halted before him, a sneer evident on his face.
[Not noticing this azure bauble hovering around the Hylian-thinking-himself-a-Kokiri?]
Navi puffed up arrogantly and Link had the sudden impression that her nose was high in the air haughtily.
[Repetition: ‘haughty’ and ‘nose high in the air’. Pick one, they both mean and do the same thing.]
But Link had already pushed through the stunned and unresisting crowd,
[What crowd? That implies a tightly collected group of people, but from your earlier description they only stop at their everyday chores, which would make them spread out.]
Link examined Mido’s detestable but truthful expression and signaled gently for her to hold up.
[As meek as he’s been, Link would have obediently followed Navi without paying attention to the now “defanged” Mido.]
Mido’s face fell in relief.
[I’d think he’d smirk at the attention and obedience he’s getting.]
Mido slowly extracted his pudgy hand from Link’s shoulder.
[Mido’s action belongs in the same paragraph as his dialogue, but not with Link’s.]
He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment
[Because he didn’t know or didn’t want to say? You already draw in the audience’s attention, now you _need_ to elaborate.]
Link looked between the two for a minute before nodding gratefully at both of them,
[Don’t mix-and-match sources of the paragraphs, particularly when dialogue is involved. If person A does one thing, when person B does something you should create a new paragraph.]
tender legs would carry him.
[Tender meaning useless. Link can’t do anything unless he’s healthy. Remember, you’ve established that Mido’s been training him for the past few years to be meek, that’s not going to change overnight no matter what catalyst you add.]
Navi flew as swiftly as she could, intent to keep up with him.
[If he’s limping or has difficulty running, she shouldn’t have any problem at all keeping up with him.]
Besides, why would he lie to me?
[Because he respects Link so little, he wouldn’t bother to give him the truth.]
“Run, Link, Run!
[Run, Luke, run!]
flinging the chest open with a burst of strength, causing Navi to scream piercingly in surprise behind him.
[If she’s this annoying now, I’d duct-tape her to a tree and leave her there.]
On the bottom of the chest lay a small sword—a dagger to anyone else, really, but to Link, it was the perfect size.
[Wordy. This paragraph is also too long, but I’ll get to that later. The words following the hyphen are unnecessary, advancing neither plot, character, or immediate narrative.]
The hilt was a gleaming gold, set with rubies that almost sparkled with a life of their own.
[Isn’t there just one ruby in the Kokiri Sword?]
He ripped his attention away from the treasure and inspected the bottom of the chest,
[‘Ripped’ carries a connotation of suddenness, there is no catalyst or event that spontaneously draws his attention. Finishing his examination of the sword would be a gentle transition, his eyes would slide form the sword back to its previous resting place.]
He lifted it from its position and slid the sword in with a slight hiss.
[This would be a nice place to create a break so the paragraphs don’t get too long.]
Not bad, the only problems you have to be cautious of are letting your sentences go on too long, and remembering realism in injuring your characters – wounds don’t vanish in the blink of an eye, so either you’re going to have to make some use of potions or this story could get very dull with Link taking weeks and weeks off to heal from dungeon to dungeon. See you at TWP.
God bless and happy writing,
| DigiTails chapter 4 . 1/18/2007
ah, the Great Deku Tree. The first level. mhm, I remember not liking the queenie the first time through...and I can't wait to Link's reaction to Jabu's-Jabu's Belly.
| articuno13 chapter 4 . 1/17/2007
Jup i've got a question.
How on earth are you going to have him finish this dungeon without deku sticks?
I know that in the game you can't.
(i have OoT for the n64)
| bounder7985 chapter 3 . 12/4/2006
is this story on hold or discountinued?
| DigiTails chapter 3 . 8/2/2006
Hoi! Glad to see an update. As for your N64 giving out and being unable to go through the game and get things right...I have an alternate solution to buying another N64
Do you have a GameCube? If so you could go to a GameStop and buy the LoZ Collector's Edition. That has OoT in it. If not then...eh, sorry. I was trying to be helpful.
This was a good chapter too.
| articuno13 chapter 3 . 7/31/2006
this is so cool!
and yes i love navi for that punch/tackle thing.
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 7/27/2006
[You've started an interesting adaptation, but I have a few issues that I need to address:]
Down in the dirt the lad winced, turning his head away to spare his eyes from the blinding vision.
[If Link was this passive, I don't think he'd really be capable of going on to face Ganondorf. I also question how weakly he took the beatings, then suddenly at the end he's not worried about it as he digs through his food.]
The boy gasped as a slight trickle of blood dribbling out of the corner of his mouth; he was sure that bone would be broken, if not splintered, now.
[I've been kicked in the ribs by a very strong person wearing steel-toed shoes and all I got was bruised ribs. I seriously doubt that a kick, however strong, would break the bone, much less splinter it. Bruising the ribs, possibly eventually fracturing one or a few, that's quite possible, but definitely not splintered/shattered.]
The red head smirked in delight at his victim’s obvious pain, and sneered.
[These gestures (smirk / sneer) are similar enough that you shouldn't repeat them or use both in one sentence, but different enough that you'd probably be better off picking one and dropping the other. If you drop "sneer", all you'd have to do is delete "and sneered".]
getting another yelp of distress from the blonde child lying at his feet.
[This reinforces the non-immediate severity of Link's injury. If his bone's broken, he's going to be crying out, and if it had shattered he'd either scream or break teeth going lockjaw, depending on how he deals with pain. Of course, it is perfectly consistent with contusions and bruising, which can take a matter of hours or days to fully form into a painful swelling. And a wooden club is also much more likely to cause bone fractures.]
throwing up all over Mido’s shoes would not make anything better.
[But it would be awefully funny, and give Link the satisfaction of one more form of defiance. If that's his character, that is.]
People like you are forbidden from even entering the Forbidden Woods, much less take anything from it!
[And the fact that he's living in the 'Forbidden' (Lost) Woods is...?]
hacking up blood from his injured ribs and urgently struggling for air.
[A blow to the diaphragm would definitely wind him, but I don't think he'd have sustained injuries enough to cause significant internal bleeding that would then lead to enough blood to hack up. Generally, coughing up blood is the symptom of an ulcer in the stomach or esophagus, possibly a punctured lung - though the last would also probably include gurgled breathing, not something Link would have from the injuries so far sustained.]
and the blonde looked away as he shut his eyes tightly, knowing he could do nothing to stop them.
[Actually, there's plenty he could do to stop them - fight back. Personally, I'm still wondering why Link's not fighting back, because that would be in closer accordance with Link's aggressive, altruistic actions in "Ocarina of Time". Unless you're taking the route that he dips into rage when he fights, and that rage isn't unlocked yet, but then you have the issue of developing bipolar disorder (which could end up working for you, once it gets time to Dark Link and his creation).]
ripping a scream from his mouth and already hoarse voice box as the bone in the leg shattered.
[I still find it odd that such a passive person would be so loud. Wouldn't he have snapped back at Mido if he's the type to open his mouth and scream at physical pain? Also, the bones in the legs are _very_ strong, all I had from months of intensive work and marching and negligent calcium intake (Basic Training) were microfractures that I managed to convince the doctor to pass over. It would take more than one blow from a wooden club, especially with the limited leverage that Mido has, to fracture, much less shatter the bone.]
the blonde was sure his jaw was at least fractured.
[This could be explained by being his own mistaken observation, but I again must state that the injury would be overkill to the blow he received. Bruised, misaligned jaw (which I've had - very annoying, rather painful), possibly a fracture, but remember that by basic physics if a fist causes damage to a face, a face will cause damage to the fist. If the jaw, one of the most solid bones in the body, is damaged, then almost every bone from the fingers to the wrist would be damaged also. That's why the beginning of boxing, the bareknuckled variety popular in the 1800s western USA, was so bloody, but also why both combatants walked away with comparatively mild injuries to today - they didn't have padded gloves to cusion the attacker's hands.]
a spatter of red liquid flying from his lips and a jerk of agony ripping through him with each one that landed true.
[Still too much wound for the blow(s). A scream possibly, but not a splatter of blood.]
and the world spun about him in the darkness of his gaze.
[So he opened his eyes? Or the world spun around him in the darkness of his prison?]
before slowly and painstakingly trying to move
["Painfully" is perfectly okay, painstakingly means 'carefully' and carries the implication of avoiding gaining wounds, not necessarily coping with current ones.
sending white-hot tendrils of fiery torture through his whole quivering frame.
[If you're shooting for describing bruised ribs, this is excellently portrayed, it's exactly how I'd describe it.]
His crippled, sprained feet
[Repetitive. I'd delete "crippled", because he's obviously still using them and "crippled" implies that he _can't_ use them.]
your left wrist and hand shattered,
[Such injuries would put him out of commission for many months, but a sprain or minor fracture only up to a month.]
both legs fractured, two sprained ankles,
[Since when people curl up into a ball they tend to roll onto their side, I'd think only one leg should be fractured.]
and a heavily bruised face;
[So she's calling him an ugly brute? Maybe she should just say he's badly bruised.]
demanding an answer to her seemingly unanswerable inquiries.
[From her point of view, isn't she demanding answers to _simple_, not unanswerable, inquiries?]
[Other than those things, very well done. Your spelling, grammar, punctuation, and narrative description are all flawless - and that's a rare treat, I almost never find a story so well written in the basic fundamentals (granted, it's easy to make a mistake in some). All you have to do is remember what you're actually doing to your characters (think of how long it takes you to heal from a broken bone or gash). Balance what you want narratively to punish them with and what in a short span of time they might realistically receive.]
Check out one of my stories some time, like "The Warrior Prince" (again, I'll have the next chapter out in a few days) or "Why We Fight". God bless and happy writing,
| FadingPawPrint chapter 3 . 7/23/2006
You deserver more reviews! Your writing format is awsome and I love how you make Links personality. Do you think Link will get a bit harsher since he was abused like that and stuff?
Don't make him too submittve to others. (err, I think thats the word.) neh.,
Can't wait for the next chapter!
| Greki chapter 3 . 7/22/2006
I do believe, yes, that you did a fine job on the Great Deku Tree, although I can't tell for sure if the writing is correct for I don't know how to write that type of speech. Eiher way, for me it was certainly believable, as well as the other charaters' personalities. And yes, I love Navi for what she did! You made her a such grand character!
For the way you wrote that first fight, I'm completely sure that you're going to do an amazing job with all of the other fights. I certainly cannot wait for the one with Gohma!
So, I'll leave you now, and wait for the next chapter. See ya!
| PhiloWorm chapter 3 . 7/22/2006
The Deku dialouge eh? Well you did well in my opinion... except for a few things. "It is well that thou have returned when THY did, Navi" It should be thou there instead. "Would I have brought THOU before me," This time it should be thee. "and only with THOU'S greatest determination can such a task be undertaken." And finaly this time it should be thine.
That was all I could find, although I'm not even sure that I'm correct... well I think I am but...
Anyway, great chapter and... stuff;) I will look forward to the Ghoma fight, you seem to want to write it very much and that always makes it better in my opinion.
| DigiTails chapter 2 . 7/10/2006
XD nice. mhm...go, Navi! But dun strangle, Saria..._ good second chapter