|Reviews for The Outlaw|
| SlipperyLiz chapter 3 . 7/30/2006
It's just one rebellion after another around Crystal Tokyo, isn't it? But somehow I get the feeling that Jun-Jun's escapades won't end as well as Usa's.
| SlipperyLiz chapter 2 . 7/22/2006
Oh, my. Usa's choice of swimwear has caught up with her. Maybe she'll learn something from this, even if it's only how to get away with this sort of thing without getting in trouble. I hope Jun-Jun isn't in real trouble either. Looking forward to Chapter 3!
| SlipperyLiz chapter 1 . 7/15/2006
Frankly, *I'm* surprised at Usa's choice of suit. I hope the King never finds out! I am definitely looking forward to the next chapter.
| Deep Serenity chapter 1 . 7/15/2006
sounds very good, I like stories that focus on the girls day to day life!
| Hitsuji Kinno chapter 1 . 7/15/2006
Alright, first I divide reviews into 3 major parts, Canon info, Grammar info, and what I thought of the story. Canon info is stuff that everyone should know, but not everyone follows. Grammar is grammar, and what I thought of it is usually balanced, even if not I'll be specific about it. Don't like that? Don't read it.
1. King Endymion married his girlfriend's past life's mother? How rich is that! Alright jokes aside, Queen Serenity is a whole lot different from Neo-Queen Serenity... and I think people would take issue with him marrying the former and not the latter.
2. Tsukino Chibiusa's full name is: Princess Tsukino Usagi Small Lady Serenity. Everyone calls her "Small Lady" since the name in the past was given to her by Mamoru in the manga (RL it was Osabu). Volume 3, around the teen acts of the manga, since you are using the AQ as Sailor Soldiers. In the anime this is true too. When she gets older and comes of age, she'll be called "Lady Serenity" supported by King Endymion and also Materials Collection, Princess page as well as Elios in Volume 14.
3. "To her, every atrocity committed against nature was a slap in the face to the kami who ruled over that tree, river or animal, and in her eyes kami didn't forget insults, they just plotted their terrible revenge." Lack of research into Shinto...
- Watch Punctuation. For example: Endymion smiled at him. "My wife would insist" That needs a period.
- "This policy's primary proponent was Queen Serenity herself, for the queen found nature and all its creatures valuable to humanity, both for the restful beauty of natural habitats and for the positive interaction humans and wildlife could have." Difficult sentence. Run-on?
- "Ami Mizuno could give you statistics and theorems outlining the benefits of maintaining a healthy ecosystem, and if that failed she would always trot out the paintings her father did to prove how wonderful nature was." Cut out the you. You're slipping from third person to second person. The ony time one can get away with that is when one is using instructions and first person talking directly at the audience.
- "'Palla-Palla, don't run!' Jun-Jun called to her sister amazon" word order. I'd go for amazon sister, rather than sister amazon. They technically are sisters, Materials Collection. Palla-palla is the eldest.
- "googie" non-word.
- "Just then Hotaru noticed Jun-Jun staring in shock." passive. Make the action happen as it happens, rather than might have happened. So for example, Hotaru saw Jun-jun staring in shock. Makes it more potent.
- "At sixteen the Princess Usagi already had a very feline maturity to her body." odd sentence, and the sentence is passive again. Take out the already since you have the "at sixteen" or take out the "At Sixteen" and leave in the already. Feline maturity is a weird phrase to me... When one asks a guy what they want in a woman, I don't tend to hear they want them to look like a cat...
- Don't stop the action to describe. Interweave the description with dialogue. So a general description, then use the dialogue to expound.
Minor thing: Gwen Stephani is not a philosopher... even if you mean this in jest...
Anyway, on with the review, review part.
The characterizations and the overall setting up of the story were your strongest parts in writing the story. Beyond the canon and grammar info (technical writing stuff too) you have a lot of potential within what you've written. You seem to have a pretty good grasp for what you need for the story.
On the other side, you forget that 60% of the reader population is female and use a lot of machine terminology and the bit about the revealing suit isn't really going to do it for the female population and they might take it in the wrong way-no real big deal though. The females in the story are just a touch flat-while you've nailed the characterizations properly, you don't seem to have a grasp of what females want-which is not always clothes, boys, and style 24-7. So while the dialogue is spot on, what they are taking issue with is not... if that makes sense...
The other thing is that the beginning lacks a little more focus and direction. You slap on all this stuff about the environment, and then end up with the girls at a picnic talking about boys. Where is the central hook and issue? Whether Cerecere gets a date, or if Crystal Tokyo is a Utopia, or if Crystal Tokyo is green enough, or if people want to pollute? Centralize the idea in the front by presenting the major conflict (or part of it) and it will hook the reader in more.