Reviews for Lady in Red
Gianna di Fiori chapter 1 . 1/8/2016
Hilarious! And, then there was Ajax41 with "3 Days Ago" and I am just rolling on the floor, picking up dust bunnies.
Jes The Dino chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
Brilliant! Loved it! Laughed 'til I cried!
Cutter12 chapter 1 . 3/15/2012
Pretty dirty of Colby, making sure Charlie was there to see Don in action. Snicker.
ajax41 chapter 1 . 7/21/2011
3 Days Earlier:

Bored, Sue looked up from the magazine she had hidden just beneath the edge of the counter. An uncomfortable looking man was approaching her. This wasn't too unusual. Many men who didn't know what to buy for their wives/girlfriends were uncomfortable when they finally reached the decision to ask for help. She just hoped this one wouldn't ask her to help him pick out lingerie for his wife without knowing her size... or worse, his mistress.

Sue smiled brightly as he neared enough for her to speak to him, "Hi, how can I help you?"

He flashed her a quick, strained smile, "I need some help."

Sue nodded slightly to encourage him after this rather obvious statement. She was a personal shopper. If he didn't need help, he wouldn't have approached her in the first place.

"I need a dress," he clarified, "and shoes. I need shoes too."

Well, at least he knew what he wanted. "What type of dress?"

"Type?" The man blinked as though it had honestly never occurred to him that there might be more than one type of dress.

OK, so he sort of knew what he wanted. She wondered how long had he been married without learning something so basic. She snuck a glance at his left hand. No ring. Well, that explained that. "Yes, is there a particular occasion that you want this dress for? A party? A night out? Or maybe just something for everyday use?"

Oddly, the man looked even more uncomfortable than before. "I don't suppose you could simply suggest something?" he asked, although he didn't look too hopeful.

"What size?" Sue asked. She was already mentally listing the designs that were selling poorly and making a note to provide him with a gift receipt.

"I don't know," he sounded defeated.

It took great strength of will not to roll her eyes. It was amazing how many customers expected her to be able to magically tell them what size to buy for women she had never laid eyes on. She looked him up and down, debating whether she should suggest an alternative gift idea or play 20 questions to figure out this mystery woman's approximate size. He seemed both completely set on the idea of a dress and completely clueless as to what exactly he wanted.

Just then his stance shifted subtly. Sue couldn't decide if he suddenly looked more confident or if he was simply bracing himself for something. Maybe he had just reached a decision and decided to buy something else entirely. It would save her suggesting it.

He looked her directly in the eye, "this is going to sound strange..."

Sue figured he had never worked in retail. He obviously had no idea how many 'strange' requests she got on a weekly basis.

"I'm with the FBI," he continued and pulled out a badge to prove it, "we're setting up an undercover sting to catch a suspected home invader. This suspect has a taste for cross-dressing prostitutes. So I need a dress, for myself, that makes me look like a hooker."

Sue blinked. That one was new. It still wasn't the strangest request she had ever had but it was definitely new. She didn't even care if it was true.

She recovered quickly, "Let me take your measurements. Once we have the right size, I'll see what I can find that might be suitable."

Three hours and two awkward conversations about water bras and hosiery later, Sue had her FBI agent stashed away in the handicapped fitting room while she rooted through the clearance racks looking for something appropriately trashy that might still fit Agent Eppes' obviously masculine frame. She'd have to move him if someone came in that actually needed the handicapped fitting room but as they only had ladies' fitting rooms and the handicapped room was somewhat isolated from the rest she decided it would be best. Sue stepped backwards and bumped into Margaret who was juggling scarves.

"You wouldn't believe the customer I have," her coworker complained. "He apparently bought his girlfriend soap the last time he picked a gift for her out by himself and it didn't go over well. Personally, I don't get it. I'd love for someone to give me a nicely scented bubble bath or some of those fancy bath salts but now the guy is terrified of making any sort of decision. Anytime I get close to selling him something he changes his mind entirely and wants to look at something completely different. First it was perfume, then chocolate, then jewelry..."

Sue spotted a slinky looking red dress almost hidden between two winter coats. She snatched it and started searching frantically for the size.

"... and now we're onto scarves," Margaret continued in complete exasperation.

Sue nodded mildly. She hadn't mentioned her agent to any of the other girls yet. She didn't want to embarrass him anymore than he already was. She had no idea what her coworkers thought of her hiding a customer away in a dressing room for three hours, or if they had even noticed. The dress was the right size. She hurried back to the fitting rooms.

After coaxing Agent Eppes into letting her see the dress, and adjusting how it sat on him, Sue declared that this one would work. Glad that they already had the shoes and underpinnings sorted out, Sue paused for only a second to grab a purse out of the bargain bin on her way to the cosmetics counter. It was big enough for his badge and gun and black went well enough with anything. She doubted her agent would be too scrutinizing of his handbag. Sue ignored Anne's protests and glares as she took one of the sample trays from behind the counter. Normally if a customer didn't know exactly which cosmetics they wanted they were sent to the counter for a consultation, but this wasn't normal. She'd work things out with Anne later. As long as Anne still got the commission for the cosmetics she'd be satisfied.

Sue stepped back and looked at the agent with satisfaction after she finished applying his make-up. The lighting in the dressing room had been too poor to properly match his skin tone to a foundation so he had reluctantly come further into the light. No one else was around so she had taken advantage of the better light at the personal shopper station to finish selecting his cosmetics and showing him how to apply them. He still needed a wig and jewelry but they didn't sell wigs and Sue suggested Agent Eppes either borrow jewelry or pick up something cheap at the mall. There was no sense in spending a lot of money on jewelry considering what he wanted it for. Agent Eppes stood to return to the fitting room and remove the dress and accessories. Sue turned her attention to the task at hand; sorting through the mess to find everything they had decided he needed. She was just jotting down the name and color of the chosen lipstick when a pair of gasps caught her attention. Sue looked over her shoulder to spot Margaret and what had to be the customer she was complaining about earlier. Margaret was too weighed down with random odds and ends for it to be anyone else.

It was the older gentleman's startled exclamation, "Donny!" though that had Agent Eppes turning around in horror.


Sue looked between Margaret, who's jaw was on the ground at the sight of the agent in red, and Margaret's ashen faced customer, and her own floored FBI agent.

The older gentleman finally broke the silence, "No wonder I don't have grandchildren."

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Don's cross-dressing adventure was just too good not to let Alan in on all the fun. ;)
Thilbo Bagginshield chapter 1 . 5/6/2009
montez chapter 1 . 5/16/2007
I was laughing at the first line, just totally knew where is was going. was laughing so hard was barely able to finish reading it. LOVED IT!
The-Spirit-of-a-Child chapter 1 . 1/17/2007

rhiannondavidson chapter 1 . 8/20/2006
Ah, I was suppressing giggles so my suitemates wouldn't come look at me strangely! I love that you write humour as well as angst and h/c. Great job all around. It reminded me of an old Hill Street Blues episode where they did this; it was really very funny.
NidrianRuuthane chapter 1 . 7/28/2006
hahaha*whew* ok it took me about five minutes to stop laughing there. Great fic!
pucktofaerie chapter 1 . 7/17/2006
Hehe...this is great. Not sure what sparked the idea for this...and not sure I wanna know. Keep up the great work and keep writing!
Mismatched Letters chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
It was good expet for the cross dressing part _
Emma Peelfan chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
You are evil! I love it! Poor Don's NEVER gonna hear the end of this one! Yay!
7kstar chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
Now this was very unique! Don't think we'll see this on the show, but it would be nice. Thanks for the laugh and poor Don!
dHALL chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
I laughed...and then I laughed some more.

ANd then I got choked on my cornflakes.

Now my monitor has milk splatter on it.

AH. That would certainly be a sight.

Oh...I'm laughing again.
Tessenchan chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
*snerk* Ohmgod...

That's hilarious. *struggles to hold back giggles*
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