|Reviews for Breach of Contract|
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 12/6/2008
First thing I need to say: this story needs to be marked in the 'parody' category. That or a clear marking above Chapter 1. This first chapter is either clearly a fairly clever parody or the worst drama I've ever seen.
Not that he could see anything inside, the fence was enormous, standing three or four meters tall and at least one thick.
[It's generally called a property wall and it's nothing terribly impressive: a stone facade generally filled by either dirt or rubble, whichever is cheaper.]
some foreign tree that would likely be stronger then anything local.
[Also doubtful: one of the first things I learned about fortifications is that they're economical. Nine times out of ten they're going to use local materials because those will be the cheapest/easiest to use, and it isn't until the age of globalization that materials from distant regions come to be used with any regularity - and the vast majority of those are facades to impress outsiders (like government buildings faced in marble) instead of any practical application.]
To submit application to become a student of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, please sign the waiting list.
To challenge Ranma in one on one combat, please pull cord and present submission papers.
[Okay, now this one is kind of funny.]
shifted color ever three feet.
waiting to be chastise.
revised Okinamiyaki style.
one of the patrons face
[one patron's face]
"Your charity donations?”
Chapter 2: A New Contest?
without even realizing
God like beings
The excuse to help train my students sometimes doesn’t even work anymore since these recent hard times came along.”
[The grammar/phrasing obfuscates this sentence beyond understandability.]
starting to ware
to cook, bringing
Ranma nearly pulled back when Ukyo reached over and took hold of his hand.
[What nearly? Canonical Ranma remained effectively afraid of true personal contact throughout the whole series.]
Should be a lot more privacy up there.”
[Which would further scare him. The fact that you've already described the restaurant as closing means you could easily have her take down the sign from front and the store would be closed, meaning no new entrants.]
in harms way.
a glimmer of hope in them that she could not remember seeing for some time.
"There’s such a way? A way to actually maintain honor?”
[Why is it that Ranma can never even consider one of these possibilities? Or why he always sounds so surprised and disbelieving in one of these fics?]
"Ukyo why would you…”
[Interrogative missing its question mark.]
Akane who rushed in, hitting Ranma over the head
[Character bashing: Akane has a bad temper, but she has to have a catalyst before she snaps.]
Akane opened her mouth to rebut only to hang there.
[OOC/character bashing: I don't believe Akane's that stupid. Her rage just gets the better of her before she makes these logical thoughts. It's difficult to tell, I admit, because Ranma is a comedy that severely distorts the emotional traumatics that would be recognized and dealt with in a drama.]
Chapter 1: fair parody. I hope.
Chapter 2: filled with contrivations and extreme OOC to the point of character bashing. The technical flaws (grammar, spelling, punctuation) riddling both didn't help at all.
| foesjoe chapter 2 . 6/4/2007
Heh, interesting story. It seems like at least two characters tied in the as-of-yet (or actually not) upcoming competition for Ranma's hand in marriage. Hope to see more of it.
That said, it seems you're having problems conerning the usage of "then" and "than"
"Than" is used for comparisons. Such as heavier than a mountain, faster than a speeding train, etc.
"Then" is used for the description of succeeding events. First he opened the door, then he entered, then he took a look around, etc.
Hope I could help.
| Tsubasa Kya chapter 1 . 3/13/2007
Well, alright then. I feel only half as guilty now since I have read a total of one chapter of yours. Hm, what to say... or actually, what NOT to say?
From the sounds of things, Ranma is a power hungry murderer in the beginning and at the end, he proves to be insane as well. From my prospective anyway... Undeterred by this notion, I shall evaluate the points of your story to my personal content, as I do every story I review.
I like Tai Sugurue. The story seems somewhat AU to me, as I have read some of Ranma 1/2 at one point in time when I thought it was as good as Inuyasha. Tai is like a young, scared youth who wishes to become the greatest and in the first chapter he seems thrown by the matter of a crazy woman prostrating on a pile of gold like that booger in the Hobbit books who obsessed over a ring of invisibility.
He seems like a good, moldable character who I would like to read more about on the off-chance that I decide to read further into this story.
23k students waiting in line for school shows that not only would he have a long time waiting to get in but he would have to have a lot of patience in waiting as well. Unfortunately, Tai does not strike me as particularly patient as shown in the fact that he will not read the contract.
In that, Tai strikes me as Inuyasha-like. Inuyasha is impatient (on that note, so is Ranma from my memory) and not likely to wait for pretty much anything. Tai does not want to wait to fight Ranma, he just wants to fight him. But in this story, it seems Ranma is more Sesshoumaru-like (big lord-ly man-creature).
However, I failed to notice Tai's drive. What makes him push forward? What buttons have been pushed to drive him to need to defeat Ranma? That is where darkened pasts come in (generally in my stories anyway) and I definitely could see Tai being molded by his past to need to fight Ranma. Things such as a family member losing face to Ranma, or something similar to that, could have molded Tai into needing compensation for that.
So, seeing 23k students listed on a waiting line shows me that just getting into the school is hard. Fighting Ranma is of course going to be even harder, as there is high demand to be around Ranma to begin with.
When Tai sees the student fail at, I'm guessing, flipping one of those pancakey things, I see opportunity there. The student who failed, whether Original Character or Actual Character, I can certainly see something to evolve in the future between Tai and this character. If nothing evolves, it's not a big deal but in that case the part would have been put in haphazardly to serve no true purpose.
I see nothing wrong with Tai freaking out over a woman molesting coins and jewels. I could see Tai criticizing himself for chickening out in the future, and yet when he sees her again he physically has to stop himself from squealing like a girl and running away yet again.
From what I have seen of Tai, I cannot picture him to be incredibly old. Perhaps just past maturity, and with a lot of the world left to view. Sure, he may have defeated a demon lord, and he may be confident that it was sheer skill on his part, but there are ways in which an author can write to make it clear to the writer that even though the characters think one thing, the reader will think entirely differently. I could picture myself and other readers coming to the understanding that Tai thinks he's incredibly skilled, but he's hardly so and the demon lord was a fluke. He still has a long way to go, in that way, and it gives him more to strive for.
Personally, I can't read stories where characters are like "X" in that one movie. Well, maybe I could if they interested me... but I like development, desire, and difficulty in stories. They add to the appeal of the story.
It's a really good start, and perhaps I shall read more in the future. I hope future chapters, should I choose to read them, will be about Tai and his struggle to defeat Ranma.
Thanks for letting me read it,
| Yo chapter 2 . 1/24/2007
This was certainly...unique. I liked the style of bashing the present on first -then- explaining the history. It is a refreshing change. However, so far, I still do not have enough material, to me, to form a definitely opinion. Remarkable, for sure, but I have to see how this pans out. Ukyo is one smart cookie.
I look forward to another update!
| dogbertcarroll chapter 2 . 9/17/2006
Cool. I can see things developing from the first chapter
that I hadn't noticed before.
| Upgrade chapter 2 . 9/16/2006
I'm surprised to see this continued, but I won't complain.
Good so far.
| Bobboky chapter 2 . 9/15/2006
cool, looking forward to more
| Wonderbee31 chapter 2 . 9/15/2006
Nice section here, and going to be looking forward to how the contest goes, as well as how it gets to the section of the fic where things started.
| Howard Russell chapter 2 . 9/15/2006
Akay, now I'm really curious! Thanks for writing.
| Innortal chapter 2 . 9/14/2006
Looking good as always.
| Lerris chapter 1 . 9/14/2006
A good start...
| griffenvamp chapter 2 . 9/14/2006
keep it going it interest to see where this is going.
how will ukyo help ranma and how does kasumi and nabiki get involed in to it.
realy like what you've done. keep up the great work.
P.S. pring nabiki out of her shell.
| gort420 chapter 2 . 9/14/2006
I see your taking the cheap and easy route of "akane the psycho bitch" BE original.
| mdizzle chapter 2 . 9/14/2006
That was an excellent chapter. Update when you can.
| AshK1980 chapter 2 . 9/14/2006
Good story! I'm glad you decided to continue it! Anyway it's Pandora's Box not Pandor's Box. Keep up the good work!