|Reviews for First meetings|
| Chaos Wielder chapter 2 . 7/21/2009
Thanks for continuing the story. I was worried you weren't posting on this site anymore, but you proved me wrong.
Good spelling, plus you've kept everyone in character so far (although I think they could use just a bit more personality in this fic. Have you played the Wii game yet? They have loads of personality there and everyone's really funny, too).
I think your sentences could use a little more editing, though, since some of them lack a bit of flow, plus the detail could use a bit more tweaking as well so everything doesn't feel "tell, don't show" and robotic, but that will all come with practice eventually. You haven't updated this in over three years, so the writing might be a bit rusty.
Just one example that can be changed so the flow is better:
“Okay Mac, good to meet you,” Doc said. “Now tomorrow morning… early tomorrow morning, I want you to meet me at this place with your gear,” he said as he handed Mac a small scrap of paper with an address on it. “I know that it’s a little out of the way but trust me on this.”
“Okay Mac, good to meet you,” Doc said, handing Mac a small scrap of paper with an address on it. “Now tomorrow morning…early tomorrow morning, I want you to meet me at this place with your gear. I know that it’s a little out of the way but trust me on this.”
I don't know why, but for some reason this sentence reminds me of Rocky probably because of the meat hanging from the ceiling. XP:
"He passed the freezer, and noticed several hunks of beef hanging from the ceiling and shelves laden with cases of frozen food."
By the way, I liked that scene in the movie when he was punching the meat. XP
Overall, this is starting to shape up rather nicely. It could use just a bit more work, but it has potential, so I'll keep an eye on it. ;) Can't wait to see how you handle the training sessions and other characters later on.
| Chaos Wielder chapter 1 . 7/20/2009
All these years and no one has reviewed this? Woah.
Anyway, like I always say, it's nice to see Punch-Out! fics on this site. There aren't enough of them, but the section's growing slowly but surely, so I'm pleased with that.
I really don't know why you stopped the story after the first chapter. You had something good going here! I don't even know if you still post fics for this game, but this one's just screaming for multi-chapters. It doesn't really work as a one-shot and just feels too incomplete right now. The interaction between both characters is nicely-written, though. The only advice I have for this is to make it into a longer story. That way readers will be eager to see more. ;) So if you're still there, please continue this if you get the chance!