Reviews for A Sorrowful Visit
Authorized chapter 1 . 2/27/2008
First time reading a story with Mina Mongoose, and boy was it fun to read. The mood changes quickly like in real life, but it transitions so freely that I couldn't notice, so well done.

It's a fun story that doesn't take itself so seriously, just what I like to read.
Ydamis chapter 1 . 10/14/2007
Okay, that was really good. I've never played Sonic or watched the cartoon or anything but I got what was going on. Good job on showing emotions instead of telling them.

And the comma goes inside the parenthesis when characters talk.

" like this," he said. NOT "like this", he said.
TenchiKun1 chapter 1 . 9/11/2007
It was a pretty good fic. I'm not really up to snuff on the goings on in the sonic comics. So I was confused as to who Mina was at first. But I read into it. I think the way u made them act around each other is realistic. I really liked it.
Emma chapter 1 . 9/11/2007
I've never even watched sonic and I really enjoyed reading it. I thought the description was great. Made me feel like I was there with them, because I could picture it all in my mind D.
Harley Quinn hyenaholic chapter 1 . 9/9/2007
Okay, you really want a review...

It's okay, I guess. Maybe it's because I'm not really into Archie and Mina always seemed to have the personality of a boiled potato anyway.

It just doesn't seem to go anywhere. That's some nice reflecting there, it just seems a little vacant.
tasakeru828 chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
Very nicely written. You do a great job of getting into the characters' heads, and it's nice to see them just having fun, rather than pouncing on each other or angsting useleslly like you see in so many other fanfics out there.

I have a couple suggestions. First, the "..." might be a great way to represent silence in RPGs, but it doesn't really work here. I'd just work more with describing the absence of sound.

Second, I realize you're going for an informal tone here, but try to cut back a bit on the slang ("ya" instead of "you", "ta" instead of "to", etc.) Use things like that too much, and it becomes distracting. The trick is to have the right balance.

Overall, it's extremely well done. I give it an 8 out of 10. Keep writing!

- tasakeru828
Chaobaby95 chapter 1 . 3/20/2007
This was an awesome and beautiful story! I like the couple Mina and Sonic, they look cute together! Keep writing!

Your friend,

Sonic Girl
Mr. Sparklebutt chapter 1 . 2/17/2007
IT SUCKED! AH! lol j/k but it did need some improving especially the beginning..

To tell you the truth the beginning bored me a tad, considering that you explained everything from the damn water faucet to the hue of Mina eyeball veins (okay i'm exagerating but still lol)but none the less alot of explaining, that to me the story could have done without.. I don't know maybe it's cause Mina bores me as a character..

Anywho's the only part where it started to get interesting is where sonic pop out. The dialogue between them was beautiful to say the least because you got to know who the characters where and by the way you wrote it, you really didn't need to explain who they were; in other words they spoke for themselves, lovely characterization.

Some of the jokes were a bit unclear to me, (especially the cereal being cold thing). Also you tend to be a bit too wordy and add in too many things that have really nothing to do with the plot. I know the whole run on thing is suppose to be a style, but you need a bit of work on it since you tend to get off track and it just gets wordy and becomes mumble..

Also i know this isn't shakespear but your choice of words bored me... but i guess thats me personally when i read something it's either something that can stimulate me intelectually or emotionally and this fic failed to do either. It was cute for the most part but, usually with these cutesy things you have to engage the reader to tears or at least sympathy in order to get a reaction, that and you didn't revise this you bum i saw a bunch of gramatical mistakes lol

The only thing I really like was the middle (which was the dialogue). It's not quite my cup of tea but for the most part the characterization was really good, everything else was caca to me lol. I know, I know I'm being incredibly harsh here but you told me to review it, even though I told you this over the phone and you said you didn't give a crap so I'm still questioning why your making me write a review ... you just love to aggravate me don't you...

anyway read, read and read, but you gotta read that really hard stuff where every fucking word you have to look up in the dictionary lol okay not really but you should really read more. It will improve your writing greatly, and will probably help in the long run. :)

Don't take this harshly, you know me i'm only this harsh cause i know you can take it. Besides you had to have at least one mediocre review lol

much love

Mr. Sparklebutt
DropletOfBlue chapter 1 . 2/6/2007
As far as fanfics go- I'm unsure of how true you stay to the characters because I know close to nothing about Sonic but- on its own, it was cute. Sometimes I felt as if the story was a bit unclear, like I had to go back and re-read to understand that it was late at night and not breakfast time when she first went into the kitchen... Well, I could also be held liable for that because I'm dead tired and prolly too beat to take in information the first time around.

I always liked your style- even even I secretly envied you back in the seventh grade with Mrs. Rossi. Those were the good ol days where everyone used to fuck around and not give a shit! XD! Keep up the good work kid. DISMISSED! *salutes*
kristyizzlyfoshizzle chapter 1 . 2/3/2007
i already told you my main thoughts about this :]

but it is very cute.

i loved it. :]

i kinda relate to it too :/

yeahyeah, you know already.

Sparky Lurkdragon chapter 1 . 2/3/2007
Cute little scene here. They both sound like themselves - or, at least, Sonic sounds like his SatAM-self and Mina sounds like what I know of her. : )p

I know you already know about the tense shifts, so I'd also like to say that having "'...'" as dialog doesn't really work for me; stuff like that works in more visual media like games, but not so much in straight writing. The "XD" emoticon didn't work for me, either. Personally I think it would be more effective to describe an awkward silence and the facial expression that "XD" represents. The slang in the narration threw me off a bit, too - maybe those passages would work better as direct thoughts?

Anyhow. All that aside, this really was a cute scene. The personalities bounce off each other nicely; the progression is nice and logical, too, and the problem is introduced at a good spot. Keep up your writing!
Eric chapter 1 . 2/3/2007
I really liked the way you produced the imagery. I felt like I was there. Also, I felt like I was actually in their heads. It made the whole story crystal clear too, and the characters were very developed and interesting.

The story rocked too. Good work, Frank! :D
Franciscl AKA Fleides chapter 1 . 2/2/2007
I have to admit.. I dont usually ready fanfic's or anything for that matter, but this was amazing. There should be more than this one. And since I dont know the history about should make a story about how he came and mina, and then show how they became friends. _.. But other than that, this was awsome. Can't wait for more like these to come.
Car chapter 1 . 2/2/2007
Very cute! The whole abbreviating words thing got a little distracting, but I'm sure it's how the characters talk, so good work! I liked it!
Sara chapter 1 . 2/2/2007
It was excellent. Your writing's gotten much better. But remember not to jump from past to present. Stay in one time setting. Other than that I was definitely hooked. Even if one didn't know the characters, they could sorta relate and the extra details made it even better. It flowed quite well.

There ya go!
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