|Reviews for The Tutor|
| NnN.01.11 chapter 4 . 7/12/2007
Heck, I was going to put this section as the last part for you to read but oh well. Let’s hear the positive feedbacks first eh?
Your story was cute at times. I would’ve enjoyed it if I didn’t give you this long review here. Haha. So you probably could guess what I was doing along with reading it. Lol. (Sorry it’s like almost 5am and I’m just not in the mood for praising atm.)
First chapters are very important. They’re what captures your reader’s attention and will challenge them to decide whether or not to ‘keep an eye’ on this story. And your first chapter wasn’t ‘that’ good. I thought, personally, it was quite alright taking into consideration of many factors. BUT! It might’ve kept me checking the second chapter. Haha. I like how you ended the first chapter. Well done.
Do you happen to read over what you've written, once you've written it? Because you should.
“Diasuke watched as she left, 'Riku, what if I told you?'”
As you can see from the above line that I copied from your story. Throughout chapters 1-4, there were quite a lot of misspelt words; not just the character’s name. My suggestion to you is use spell-check that your Microsoft Word provides. If you don't have it, I heard there was an online spell-check somewhere. xD.
Oh, and a reminder. Don’t get mix up with “your” and “you’re”. You seem to mix them up a couple of times in the story. )
Too much dialogue. Hardly any description. The scenery I had to make up myself and the same could be said with their actions. You should add more description to this. Describe the scene, emotion and etc. I don’t think you ever had a decent paragraph (I’m talking in terms of length); ‘most’ of it was only 1-2 lines max.
“Stop it,” Riku said annoyed as she walked out the school gate. And in front of her from a distance was Daisuke, ‘Daisuke?’
The way that he looked at her was filled with sorrow and guilt. He then turned away and walked off.
‘Daisuke, are you okay? You seem to be so distant from me lately?’
“You ready?” asked Dark as he popped out and threw his arm around her shoulder.
An extract from your story. You could improve the description and information from a mere one line to 3-4 lines? More if you want.
“Stop it,” said Riku annoyed at the purple-haired mimicking her with each step. She walked out the school gate as a gust of wind blew past her; she quickly moved her hand to her skirt and tried to keep it from being blown up. The wind stopped as she tried to fix her hair back to its original state she noticed Daisuke from a distance.
He hurried off towards the opposite direction and never glanced back. The momentary guilt she felt didn’t subside. Riku stood there trying to recall the past few days before things began to get awkward. ‘Daisuke, are you okay? You seem to be so distant from me lately…’
“You ready?” asked Dark as he disturbed her train of thoughts.
Ok, that was just an example of what you could do by elaborating and give more thought on the scene.
Each time there is a question a question mark is required. I'm quite sure you know that. This is a common mistake to a certain group of writers, so I don’t blame ya. For example:
“Riku stared at him, "What! Why your house?"”
In this context, “what” is expressed as a question. So, the sentence that is written should rather be:
Riku stared at him, “What? Why your house?”
What’s with the A/N?
They’re annoying, really. Ok, personal thoughts comments aside. Here’s the thing, I don’t like them in ‘most’ cases because when a reader is reading your story and as they’re reading and an A/N pops out; it cuts there train of thoughts. Sometimes this is understandable, but you could rather put everything you want to say to the reader before or after the chapter.
(Ya know what I mean? Hard to explain.)
(from the door that Riku couldn't open).
Your job as a writer is to show. If you can’t do it that way, maybe think of an alternative case with the same outcome/effect. Don’t just put an A/N there and tell the reader what you meant. This whole A/N doesn’t ‘always’ apply, but for your case I just didn’t see an acceptable excuse.
Full stops can really change the way you want the reader to interpret things.
As Riku entered the school building she heard, "Riku Harada, Dark Mousy, please report to the office immediatley, I repeat, immediatly."
Instead of the one of the comma why won’t you replace it with a full-stop?
As Riku entered the school building she heard, "Riku Harada, Dark Mousy, please report to the office immediatley. I repeat, immediatly."
As Riku entered the school building she heard, "Riku Harada, Dark Mousy, please report to the office immediatley. I repeat. Immediatly."
Just by putting that full stop, don’t you think that it changed the way the person speaking on the announcer differently?
The same could be said for this sentence you wrote.
"Hey Tutor, wait," yelled Dark.
You wrote yelled Dark. Maybe, it’s just me but I imagined those words to be said in a yelling way. Haha. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is; if you’re trying to show that he is utter those words loudly…I feel as though an exclamation mark should be in place.
“Hey Tutor! Wait!” yelled Dark.
“Hey Tutor, wait!” yelled Dark.
What I wrote about in this section is not ‘this is what should always happen’. It’s preference. So don’t take this section as a ‘rule’ or anything. They’re suggestions.
Now, with the technical stuff aside let’s get to the better “bits”. Haha. I felt as though things didn’t flow quite well. It really all depends on this part that I’m about to comment on. What was your purpose? Did you want to make a serious story? Or just a fluffy story? It all depends on your intention.
Things seemed to be too rushed. You didn’t quite ‘show’ why characters acted the way they were. It was basically, this happens then that and that happens. You get what I mean?
I could totally be off on this bit but if I’m not wrong…when Riku did the CPR and the person that walked off was Daisuke, right? It would’ve been better if you showed why he had those feelings. For example, going into more depth of the character and show his thoughts. Memories. Whatever floats your boat.
Your plot just didn’t seem believable to me. Just the fact that you lack description, you lack information that is a necessity to make the story better. Your characters didn’t seem alive…And that made your plot seemed unbelievable. (This is my opinion, so yeah)
Now, for your choice of “point of view”, seeing as most things revolved around Riku. I don’t think writing in ‘third person’ was a good choice. Hey, my opinion, so don’t take it personally. I think the story would’ve been better off in Riku’s point of view only, with the way you’re writing.
I’ll stop here for now. The things I said after the “technical” bits will be hard to change since this story has begun. But maybe, you can keep it in mind for your future story or even for the future chapters of this story.
Overall, this wasn’t like an “omg, I think you just scarred me” story, in other words a really “shitty” story. It wasn’t. You had a few mistakes here and there, but hey! Who doesn’t? We all gotta start somewhere. Haha. Listen, keep up the good work and I might pay a visit sometime in the future. And you’ll definitely be a better writer than you are right now. D
Haha. Dang, a 4-page review. Record! Lol.
N n N .01 .11
| Jennitime chapter 4 . 7/5/2007
That was good! Update!
| nitaBonita chapter 4 . 7/3/2007
aw... that was cute! please try and update as soon as you can i really want to know what happens next!
| thundermaster55 chapter 4 . 7/2/2007
;D YEAH! the whole dark eating dirt was awsome! w well UPDATE SOON!
| theblackalchemist chapter 4 . 6/30/2007
this fic's concept is so cool. but i hope that you could add more things in it other than just dialogs to make it more expressive in some way... (no offense. just some advice.) i'll definitely be waiting for the next chapter. please update soon. XD
| Elegant Tragedy chapter 4 . 6/27/2007
Wow...that was unexpected. Nut I was unaware of the setting for a while when they ended up in Riku's front yard. I had to re read and try to see if I missed something, other then that I loved it! Update soon please and thank you!
| sum1 chapter 4 . 6/26/2007
i really like it. yeah, just to tell you... i read the whole thing, i just always commemt on the last chappie. i actually
just finished the anime of dnangel this morning. but i still like both dairiku and dariku anyway the anime ended. keep going! i think you should make the chapthers a little longer.
it's only a suggestion! you don't have to do it.
| firewindgurl chapter 4 . 6/25/2007
OH interesting :) haha cant wait for the next chappie ;]
| imuzuok chapter 4 . 6/25/2007
hwahh! that was so sad! DON'T CRY RIKU!
| Drakkard chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
Poor Riku...and Daisuke no!
| l'Ollonais Sephiria Chronos chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
Ahh... Dark and Riku rocks! Please update soon!
| Allyria chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
Hey I really thought this is an amazing story. Kinda like the anime but different in a couple ways but other than that really really good story. Can't wait for the next chapter.
| BGwildroze chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
Aww this is really cute! Update soon!
| IcedOverFire chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
A little off track but still good. Can't wait for what happens next! UPDATE ASAP!
| Glorious Rubbish chapter 4 . 6/24/2007
end this story?
... *cocks head WIzz/With-style cutely*...
Anyways YES finaly ACTION!
Moewahaha CPR? That's going to chase her forever.
And how sweet is Dark when he's jealous!