|Reviews for Gekido Ichizoku Taimuzu|
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
I love their bonding not enouth of this crap
| Alexis Night chapter 1 . 11/23/2011
Aww... Jiryia. Also, I thought Naruto said he had mastered the move. He should show Ero-sennin. Maybe he did the impossible. Again.
| KaKashiisWifey chapter 1 . 8/17/2011
This was sooo sweet TT_TT to think pervy-sage died and he was like naru-chans grampa
| Katestar98 chapter 1 . 1/30/2011
I quite liked it though I think a more Naruto like ending would have been for him to master the fake Jutsu :D
| nine-orcids chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
i so loved this! it was so cute!
| Genkai-chan chapter 1 . 10/5/2010
3 it! More Jira/Naru cute scenes. hehe.
| HeartsDragon chapter 1 . 3/17/2010
- Great story! that was really cute~ haha i love Jiraiya ]
| animefan28 chapter 1 . 3/28/2008
haha i like how Jiraiya complains about Naruto all the time, but we all know he loves him like a grandson! lol Nice work i love the realtionship between naruto and jiaiya they're alot alike!
| Ekonika chapter 1 . 9/28/2007
Aww... I... I got all emotional reading this... just like in the one episode where Jiraiya shared the popsicle with Naruto (as the father had shared it with his son). _ GREAT short story-thing, I absolutely love it. Naruto's taking after Jiraiya... how great is that? Well, Great story, I wish I could write more, but i can't think of much more to say. It was great, Jiraiya's a great father-figure to naruto, and I'm glad to have been able to read this. Thank you,
| Hemlock27 chapter 1 . 6/25/2007
Alrighty then, I'm back from giving blood, so don't worry-I didn't die-thank you for caring-and now I'm ready to review your work.
Be prepared, it's gonna be a long one.
Here we go:
First off, I glanced at you profile and I saw you're a writer for Inuyasha, I'm not necessarily a 'devoted' fan of that show but I'm familiar with it. Yu yu hakusho I know rather well. Scrubs, House, the lot-and of course Naruto- ((I too am a fan of mangas vs show-the manga's just better, that's all-))
So I'm familiar with the material you're workin' with.
So, the review:
It is a good idea. I too think that Naruto and Jiraiya's relationship defiantly cemented over the 3 years training and I think he's grown into a defining father figure. Important to an orphan with no one who he can 'really' call family.
The essential ideas of this peice I think would work very well as a more serious work. I think you'd do well there. The part where Naruto expresses his feelings about his first kill-good thought. Very nice. A lot of people are retarded and just assume that the bad guys get knocked unconscious and nothing violent other than that happens. NO. They die, bleed, burn, are stabbed, and suffocate just like everyone else-but cooler 'cause they're ninjas.
So yeah. Good emphases. Plot's good. It's just the delivery that gets scrambled. This we can fix.
There are some parts that spell check would help-for instance: there's a part where you say "pervy ninja" I'm sure you meant "pervert ninja" the 't' and the 'y' are dangerously close and spell check is a writer's best friend.
In fact, many author's don't realize this but through fanfiction you can download-for free- a program that's pretty sweet and has all of these awesome spelling and grammar features-check it out, it'd be a waste not to take advantage of that for free. I have it. It's kick-ass.
Moving on, There are parts where your word choice repeats in descriptions, while this isn't really a mistake, per say, it would just read better and more...spicily..? if you jazzed up the word choice a tad.
Grammar's fine. Structure's good.-except for the switching POVs. In the very begging it's 3rd, then it switches between J and N, which works, and gives the story flavor, but you should distinguish between the 3rd and the character POV-there wasn't a line and I was confused. You really could just omit the 1st part with the 3rd person, it’s only there for about 4 lines, so you could just skip it and clear that baby up.
Also, you're mixing Japanese with English and I know that's how it reads on dubbed episodes and in some manga, btu sometimes it just works better to stay with 1 language other than nick names and such. If you don't it becomes apparent that they're from another place and are speaking English AND Japanese. It takes away from the effect. That's just me, though, everyone works in they're own way.
But yeah, it just needs a but of polishing is all. You're doing good work, you just need to shine it up a bit. Everyone does.
Thanks for being so open to a review. You're the one of the people that are going to improve and grow with their writing instead of staying painfully ignorant like a lot of other losers on fanfiction who DON'T take advice.
Thank you very much. And don't think you've heard the last from me. I'll be back.
Glad you found me,
| GurardianStar chapter 1 . 11/4/2006
Sweet kind of strange how you ended it but still very sweet
| Fiver-dono chapter 1 . 8/6/2006
Aw. I love the awkwardness of bonding moments. It's nice to have a story to fill in the gaps of the training. One of the only tiffs I have with part 2 is the lack of the interaction between sensei and student - none of it carried over! But perhaps, we'll see it yet. Nice fic. :DD
| Gothic Tigress chapter 1 . 8/5/2006
that that that . ... I liked it, it's cute