Reviews for The Saddest Song
saint of the lost ones chapter 6 . 9/26/2006
Uh, okay. Well, not too bad but not too good either. Some mistakes here and there, but we all make them. Um...Nice chapter and hope to see more. Keep the good work coming.

*Saint*
Alexia chapter 5 . 9/17/2006
I really couldn't help but fall in love with story. But then again, I have always been a sucker for angsty stories. Although, this story doesn't seem to have much angst in it. But, I'm sure it will in the next chapter.

There are only a few mistakes, but nothing that can't be overlooked easily. The lemon was not really as good as some, but it was a lot better than some. I think you did a good job with it. I just loved it.

I really can not wait for the next chapter. Even though it is the last, and that two people have to die. It's kind of upsetting. I've grown to love Dark and Krad.

Well, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Roxie Faye chapter 6 . 9/16/2006
*switches on reader/reviewer mode*

Ah! _

I felt like this chapter was a little rushed. I liked the idea of Krad being a virgin (rather ironic - don't rock stars and sex go together?) and Schuldig... seducing him, if that's the right word. But, I just felt like some of it was rushed. For instance, I wished that they could have just layed (right tense for "lay"? Probably not) there for a while longer. Schuldig would notice the discomfort, and the tension would be building while they both sit there for a long while. Then, finally Krad gets up and goes to the balcony. Or, I dunno. I just felt that part was rushed - I wanted them to lay in bed longer. ;

I can offer no advice on how to make the sex scene better. Hah, I can't even *write* one. I have a sneaking suspicion if I tried, it would come out fluffy. *gags* But I'd like to say it's actually better than a fair amount of lemons I've read. D

"While at the doors, he paused, throwing a depressed look over his shoulder. ‘Please, forgive me.’

Krad bit his lower lip. ‘I already have.’" This is the best line in the entire chapter. Hell, in the entire story! Just absolutely great. Really, really sweet.

Keep writing!
Furia chapter 6 . 9/14/2006
*laugh* Well, it wasn't that bad. In fact I've read lemons worse than this often enough.

I have to admit I've also read a few better ones, but on a scale from one to ten, you could get a seven. Well 7.25 actually, since I feel generous right now. (haha -_-)

Now that was emotional... Even if the fortunetelling was a bit strange, Schu worrying about teenaged females was priceless!

I would like to read about Nagi and Dark a bit more to speak the truth, but since there's only one chapter left (which would be needed for the showdown) I don't think that's likely to happen, huh? What a pity. U_U

Nya, all in all, nice chap!

Fu
Anya chapter 6 . 9/12/2006
Wow...I mean, wow! I can't really think of anything else other than that to say. I really just love this story. I'm almost sad to know that the next chapter will be the last. And in that chapter is the death of Dark and Krad. It's really very upsetting, but I think that was the point of the story. Anyway, don't listen to that other person who said that story was crap, it is very good and you have my vote!
Emily chapter 5 . 8/27/2006
Wow. I mean, great story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter. But I am just wondering, the German, how or why do you have it so mixed up? I mean, no offense, I was just wondering if you used an online translator. They can't be trusted. But enough of that, can't wait to see more from you!

Good job.
Furia chapter 5 . 8/18/2006
Ookay. You wanted feedback and here it is.

First: I like your story and think it has potential(otherwise I wouldn't make the effort to review) even if it moves kinda unspectacular. There aren't any sideplots like, whatever, another pairing developing in the background another person getting involved/killed etc. But the whole part Weiß vs. Schwarz is okay. Maybe they could just interact with their teams a tiny bit more. You hardly ever mention something about Weiß and if you do, there's only Omi speaking to Dark or Krad. Yohji used to be a detective, he would at least try to find out where they sneak out to. They know what they do, afterall. They're not babysitting, so they always would go and look for the missing person, not waiting for them to return.

Well...and I totally not get this whole Natural-thing. Is there a real explanation coming anywhere? 'Cause so far I have no clue what's so special about them or what they're capable of.

But despite all odds I think your plot and interpretation of the characters isn't too bad. There's worse on

Well, on to my main-concern. Actually I'm German and I cringe when I read the supposed-to-be-German-language-parts. Your grammar is off, sometimes you just use the wrong words and there's no German who would EVER speak like this! So these parts don't really make sense. When I read your title I thought it might come out okay, but it isn't.

My suggestion is, that you write whatever they say in English and mark it somehow to indicate they are actually speaking German. And where did you get the songtexts? Some translation site? Of course songs aren't always written in correct language, but something like this sounds as if it's written by a drunk lunatic on ecstasy.

This may sound harsh, but I really don't mean to be discouraging, just my honest opinion. And you asked for it.

I don't have that much time on hand, but if you want help with the German, well, you have my e-mail, ne?

Mata ne,

Furia
Roxie Faye chapter 5 . 8/17/2006
Nagi's just weird. P

You're definitely getting better, I couldn't really find anything to criticize in this chapter. That doesn't mean there isn't anything (because my brain automatically tends to overlook tiny mistakes and go for the big guns; only when I triple-re-read something do I even see tiny things.), but it's definitely a pretty good chapter.

Ooh, sex scene coming up? Between who: Will it be DarkxNagi, or KradxSchu? *cackles* can't wait to find out.

"He felt the sudden urge to cry, but wouldn’t allow himself to. It had been too long since he last cried, and he wasn’t about to start now." I liked that. It was very 'Schu' and very in character.

Um, by the way, don't listen to that crazy person. They're uh... crazy. Yep. *I* think this story has a good plot. I'm sure there are other things wrong with it (as I said: me bad detector of small mistakes), but if there's one thing this story really has down well is the plot. Yay! _
Roxie Faye chapter 4 . 8/15/2006
"He was getting too close to Krad. Most likely the same way that Nagi was to Dark." - I don't get it. If they're getting too close (emotionally, or information-wise), then why is Nagi screaming about how frustrated he is? It can't be both ways, and it didn't make much sense to me.

There's a lot of ambiguity and unclearness, there, and it's not helpful. While an air of mystery is awesome for a story, there's a fine, garrote-wire thin line between suspense and confusing readers.

"It’s like – It’s like babysitting teenagers!" I LOVE Omi. I love how you wrote Omi! *hugs you and bakes you brownies* _ Fearless leader Omi - he's so totally awesome.

"He knew that Omi would blame himself for their death, but it was something that had to happen." And THIS is the plot I love. Love love love! *skips* I want to know WHY they have to die. But that needs to stay a mystery. The plot is an entire mystery unfolding, and that's why I keep reading.

And, once again, your German is just right! Fantastic control, and subtle usage. Once again, because *only* that one fragment of a sentence was in German, it really packs a punch. You just *know* that there's something about it that makes it special, because it's not caught up in a slew of German dialogue.

I would assume that when Krad and Schuldig are speaking, it is in German? However, the actual dialogue is written in English, for the sake of the readers. Good job. If you're writing a long conversation, that's how it should be. )

Wow! I'm all hyped up for the next chapter, just because of that mystery plot. I'm silly. *_*
Roxie Faye chapter 3 . 8/15/2006
Oh! You don't kill me - yay! *hugs* _

A really good chapter, by the way.

I thought you portrayed Nagi the best. I could really feel how nervous he was. Poor kid. *_*

You did excellently on the German. *beams at you* _ I liked how, and where you used it. "Mein freund," "Mein schuldiges," I could even understand just by the context. The "ja" was perfect.

The best reference to the German (and the best line in the chapter), however, was this line: "It felt good to have someone pronounce his name properly." It's such a subtle reminder that Schuldig and Massen Genozid *can* speak German. The subtley is what gives it an extra punch. Great job!

And I didn't even get to read it last night because I was distracted with other things. I never thought I'd see that happen - distracted from fanfiction? Well, it was distraction with other fanfiction (So, you can blame my friend for influencing me to read House M.D. fanfiction. X_x).
Alexandria chapter 3 . 8/15/2006
Well, this moving rather slowly. I mean, if this is climax of the story, I would hate to see what the ending would be like. I know that most authors draw out their chapters to keep the readers "interested", but perhaps readers aren't interested in this kind of thing, so maybe you should stop now, while you're ahead. Not, that you're ahead by much.

But so far, it seems that this kind of thing has been done before. I mean, "Schwarz sent to assassinate them, Weiß to protect them. Who will win?" It's painfully obvious who will win. In stories like this, the good guys always win. They can't afford the death of a rock group, now, can they? Especially one that is "popular".

Another thing, it might also be good to keep the characters, IN (in character). People read fanfics because they like the characters the way they are. Seriously, if you're going to do stuff like that, at least *warn* the people. It's only fair.

One other thing, you need to be more descriptive about the beats to the songs. It's hard enough to image what the song would be like since it's already in German. Speaking of being descriptive, I think it would also be wise to explain what a character looks like, how they're feeling. And possibly, some time soon, I hope, that you explain fully what a "Natural" is. It might do something to help the plot here.

For a full rating, I give you about half a star. It's all too obvious on what's going to happen next, and I'm sure people who read this review will agree with me. You need something to spice it up. You know, something like a sudden character death. I mean, I just read three chapters of crap, and it didn't make me want to read more.

I'm sorry, but half a star it is. I doubt there is anything you can do to make this any better. To put it in layman's terms, this story is really weak. So, if you want people to review, I you had better do some improving, otherwise, you'll get nothing.

-Alexandria.
Roxie Faye chapter 2 . 8/13/2006
*lopsided crazy grin*

I'm only reviewing because you asked very nicely. Seriously, you did ask nicely. No one ever really asks like that, and there was something in your request that made me want to review.

I tell you now: there was a lot that I liked, and a lot that I hated. Um, please stop reading this review if you're bad with criticism. I try not to be harsh, but uh, I don't want to make you cry. ;_;

I think the premise of the story is very very interesting, and the development of the plot is spectacular. It's very linear, but I like it. Esset wants to kill Massen Genozid. -› Why? -› There's something about them, aka, being a natural. -› What's a Natural? DUN DUN DUN, the mystery continues!

See how intriguing that is? I honestly can't wait to find out. I mean, it *sounds* like a normal job in the beginning (to kill them, or in Weiß's case, protect them), but there's something more sinister. Oh, it's just so exciting!

I loved both Schuldig and Yohji's reactions (in chap. 1), when they find out what they are being assigned to do. The same reaction from Weiß and Schwarz counterparts. That kind of humor is amusing once in a while, and I enjoyed it.

What I didn't like about the story: The German. Yes, yes, I KNOW you said there'd be a lot of German in this story, but in all honesty, it is too much. If you're going to have Dark or Krad speak in German, please, PLEASE provide translation. Babelfish only goes so far, and since you have such massive amounts of German on here anyway, it's only fair to the readers who don't speak English.

I would recommend that you either stick with writing dialogue in English, or in German. Unless you've got a good reason, don't write sentences in English AND German. That's really annoying, and a million times worse than the sentences in only German. I mean, sure, you can throw around a "Ja" or a German swear word from Schuldig occasionally, but try to keep sentences in either German or English.

Normally, I would say you could leave the lyrics alone, but if Omi’s speculation is anything to go on, they could be potentially important. A translation would be a nice bonus for readers.

And by the way, I absolutely love the way you portray Omi. In your story, he is the leader of Weiß, and that is always how I see him. It makes me very happy to see Omi leading the group! I’m surprised that Aya doesn’t know German, or at least English (I would have thought he could speak to MG – Massen Genozid – in English at least), but now I’m just being nit-picky. )

Even though there are things that I really dislike about this story, there’s also a LOT that I really love. There’s tons of room for improvement, and even if you end up completely ignoring my review or come after me with a pitchfork, I’ll keep reading. _