|Reviews for Full Spectrum SeeD|
| Dandy in the Aspic chapter 1 . 5/28/2010
You're my absolute favourite FFVIII writer, do you ever plan to write more FFVIII stuff? Your action scenes kick ass. I really hope you get back to this someday. It was fantastic.
| en extase chapter 1 . 3/12/2009
It was going fine until you broke the fourth wall for no other reason than you wanted to. It's just willful without the justification: it doesn't provide any humor value and jars the reader just when he's settling into the flow of the story.
| IzzyTheFinalFanatic chapter 5 . 7/1/2008
*pokes* You need to work on this. Seriously. Tell your muse I asked her nicely. I'm hooked and it ended too soon.
| Wolfspeaker1 chapter 5 . 2/12/2008
This is a great story! Are you still working on it? I'd love to read more!
| Derek Zolfer chapter 1 . 10/20/2007
I noticed that you have indeed revised your profile, though your addition was not quite what I had in mind. The review I made before was nothing if not honest, and while critical it was written in the spirit of helping you. You do state in your profile that criticism is welcome, though after reading about your ‘blind rage’ resulting from my review I must wonder if that is really true. Please understand that I am not trolling or flaming you. I do not review stories if the author states they do not wish to be criticized as it is an exercise in futility. If you do not wish me to honestly criticize your story and help you make it better, please tell me and I will desist.
You may have misunderstood what I meant by verbosity. When you make redundant statements it adds many extra words and phrases to your story. For example:
‘Her lightly-built but powerful body was covered in clothes mimicking him as well: leather jacket with white fur collar, black pants, black fingerless gloves, and heavy black boots, matching his current outfit of choice.’
Do you see why this sentence is redundant? You state that her clothes mimic his, then go on to add that they match his clothes. You are stating the same thing twice. The reader understood what you meant the first time. In this old story you consistently beat descriptions and facts over the reader’s head multiple times. This is not style; it is a flaw in your writing.
Redundancy often occurs when a writer is afraid the reader will not properly take the meaning of the words he has written. Trust in your writing and in your reader’s intelligence. That is all I was trying to say.
Your point that the piece I reviewed was old is valid. I have chosen this piece since it is newer and you have presumably improved with practice. My main suggestion is that you find a beta reader you trust to critique your work before you show it to your main audience. Therefore let me present this review as an example of the kind of beta reading you could greatly benefit from:
‘A dark room, light not by electric lights or the shining morning sun outside.’
[verb conjugation: ‘lit’ instead of ‘light’]
‘A room wreathed in shadow, like a layered blanket stretching over all illumination’
[what is a ‘layered blanket?’ imagery is confusing]
‘…as dark as the pitchest black of a cloudless city night…’
[cities have street lamps and are quite bright at night. Suggest country night instead]
‘Yes, that last tap is well overdue.’
[author intrusion acknowledging length of prior descriptive paragraph, remove]
‘just dark enough to not be sky blue, but a shade above your normal blue.’
[suggest ‘brighter than’ rather than ‘above’ for clarity]
‘…that thoughtful smile of one on deep yet enjoyable thought…’
[‘in’ rather than ‘on’]
‘Nearby sits a double-barreled multipurpose rifle…’
[‘multipurpose’ unnecessary. Remove]
‘A woman with blonde hair framing her face, delicate sunglasses…’
[Why is Quistis wearing sunglasses indoors when outside in the bright sun Selphie is not wearing her pair?]
‘a frightening black tattoo’
[‘frightening,’ really? Jagged maybe, but not frightening]
‘A pleasant image, not displaying the true power she, a Sorceress of all people, wielded.’
[tense shift. ‘wields,’ not ‘wielded’]
‘…this man focuses on this image of this other, scarred man…’
[word repitition, ‘this’]
‘Thankfully, his guardhouse is made to defend against rain, with its armored rooftop.’
[buildings keep out weather, is it really necessary to point it out?]
‘…as the guard house featured…’
[tense shift. ‘features’]
‘Of course, they never had to use these weapons, but they were there nonetheless. As with most military assignments, this one followed the typical pattern of months or years of mind-numbing boredom and procedure punctuated by several seconds of prolonged blood, violence, and terror. Right now, though, the blood, violence, and terror were well overdue.
Snow sat back in the chair behind the desk of the guard tower, and was quite bored. Guard duty, especially guard duty at night, had that tendency, and with it raining as it was, he had no reason to get up and leave the post, even with his olive-green waterproof poncho and hat. There was no action in this area, and there never was any action, even with the recent spat of violence that had popped up between the various western nations. This facility had never been attacked by any enemy or army, and Snow liked it that way, even if he was bored to tears because of it.
Up ahead and down the road, Snow saw lights appear through the pouring rain, and he perked up. He soon realizes that they were the headlights of an approaching vehicle. He signals…’
[This whole section is rife with tense inconsistencies. Pick a tense and stick to it]
‘Water droplet patters…’
[water droplets patter]
‘…who appear to be two high-ranking officers…’
[hesitant language. ‘who appear to be’ not necessary]
“…laminated sheets dispersing the rain…’
[‘dispersing the rain’ awkward, suggest revision]
‘“Evenin’” remarks one of the men…’
[missing punctuation (comma)]
‘“Almost wish I was,” and other soldier remarks as Downes passes the truck.’
“calling cadence as they hurried…”
[tense shift. ‘hurry’]
‘After all, Murphy’s Laws say the truth: the side with the simplest uniforms wins.’
[I know this isn’t actually wrong but since westerners generally understand Murphy’s Law to mean that whatever can go wrong will, you should revise it to Murphy’s Law of Combat or you will have readers seriously confused]
‘…clutch at their chests as darts bury into their bodies…’
[‘bury themselves in their bodies’ or ‘burrow into their bodies’]
‘The Operations Room is an amazing thing. Too bad the reader has to wait until next chapter to have it described to them, though if they’ve read other stories by this author, they’d have a good idea what it looks like.
. . . . strange. Anyone else hear the sound of a wall breaking somewhere?’
[weird author intrusion, get rid of it]
‘…confusion etches across his features. After all, he’s never met with this strange, well-dressed man before.’
[Does Squall get confused every time he has an appointment with a stranger? This is an unconvincing reason for confusion]
“…a testament to how much he’d matured…”
[tense shift. ‘he’s matured’]
‘…green sigils danc around…’
And there you have it, a quick and dirty beta read. Normally I make other comments about pacing and tension and tone, but I don’t want to offend you, I just want to show you how helpful a simple beta reading can be.
I will say though, from your author’s notes it’s clear that you consciously break the fourth wall and intend to do so quite often. That is your choice but I would recommend against it, as intrusions like that break the reader out of the story. Your goal in storytelling should be to get the reader immersed in the story and keep them there as long as possible. I don’t know why you would do something that has the opposite effect but that is up to you.
On the subject of author’s notes, I personally am not a fan of having to scroll down after reading the last line of the chapter to get to the ‘next chapter’ button. The kind of things you talk about in your notes may be interesting to some readers, but you should confine those explanations to a writing journal or perhaps just one block of comments at the very end of the story. People who really want to know those details will search them out. Though if you do decide to keep breaking the fourth wall I suppose it makes little difference if you have huge blocks of author's notes at the ends of your chapters.
Also, Sion seems like a goofy crackhead. I’m not objecting to that in the least but I wonder if that was your intent. I hope so.
| JadeAlmasy chapter 5 . 6/16/2007
Wow what a chapter! sorry for the long time it took me to review, life happens! Cant wait to see the next chapter this Crowe guy is awsome!
| CaptainSkittlez chapter 5 . 4/27/2007
Gah, good lord what happened? I've missed a chapter update O_O I missed the three updates on Ocarina too, and I'm being made mad by fan fiction dot net. i'm gonna check these stories a lot more often manually, if they refuse to help my electronically.
but i am most intrigued with how... well, frankly, easily SeeD and Dollet special forces just got totally owned. I know that Ellis said that the islands were impenatrable... but damn, SeeD EAT impenatrable for breakfast man, with a double helping of bad-ass and a tall glass of ownage. I expected them to get in easily. alas, this is not the case. A shame. but hey, it's damn interesting.
Zell's been taken hostage... hot darn. I'm impressed that he managed to stay afloat and not get his ass riddled with bullets. oh well, this is gonna pump a lot of blood through the story [like Sion wasn't bad enough], so i'll be glad to see how it all shapes up.
| Dee007 chapter 4 . 4/23/2007
Well, first off let me just say that you are incredibly talented. Your writing style is great, and I've enjoyed reading this!
I have read all five chapters, but my computer kept freezing for some reason when I tried to comment on the fifth one, so I'll write it here.
Imagery is huge in this story. I can picture everything you've written, and the language alone makes me smile! I haven't read a good story like this for a long time, and I'm glad I found this!
Seems like our SeeD's are in a bit of trouble haha. I'm glad you chose to show that the SeeDs CAN get hurt. I laughed at Irvine's CPR moment...typical Irvine. Haha! Squall's pissed. I like that. I hope Crowe runs into him because that would be a great fight. And Zell...Oh Zelly haha. Leave it to Zell to be the one they decide to capture...I'm interested in seeing what happens to him, and of course the rest of them.
I'd really like to read more of this story! It was very well written and I appriciate it. )
| Ashley chapter 5 . 4/23/2007
Absolutely in LOVE with this story! Please update soon :)
| Iron Reaver chapter 5 . 3/15/2007
Crowe's a little creepy. Irvine's a little frisk. Selphie's a lot of useful. And Squall's quite a bit pissed. I'd say you've got the next chapter in the bag.
| Blue chapter 5 . 3/15/2007
Man, this chapter tasted good. I don't know if it was the simplicity, the lack of updates, or just the fact that I'm reading about Squall and the gang again, but it felt good to read another chapter from another story by Peptuck. I'm a little surprised at the amount of punishment Irvine took. He can't be anywhere near the top of his game after that. I'm also a little surprised that so few made it out. Granted they were TOTALLY ambushed, but you'd expect at least SOME other SeeDs to have made it out D Then again Squall, Irvine and Selphie may not even be on the same island huh? Maybe some other lucky SeeD made it. Ah well, I'll be here waiting for the next update. The stakes are rising. I'm very interested to know what Crowe is capable of ) Till next time, good luck writing
| Queen000 chapter 5 . 3/12/2007
At the end of that chapter, I just got a sudden image of the shaman from Batman Beyond preparing to track the new batman... after he sprayed him with powder that made him glow in the dark.
Now the question remains... which will this shaman locate first? Squall, or Selphie and Irvine?
Let's hope for the former; love to see this guy go up against THE MAN!
And Laguna ain't gonna be too happy to know what's just happened and that his son and the rest of his troops are either dead or MIA.
As for Zell, well... let's just hope he can keep his mouth shut better than in the game. If so, then they're gonna have a very difficult time getting info outta him.
I hate you for ending the chapter the way you did though, and you better update soon.
| Tain Shari chapter 5 . 3/12/2007
I wonder how many SeeDs survived? Can't just be our four, I hope.
A surprising and very welcome update. Can't wait for the next chapter.
| Raskol chapter 5 . 3/11/2007
It's like 2:15 in the morning here. Yeah, forgive me if I sound tired and/or incoherent because the words are dancing all over the place on the computer screen and this damn laptop is heating up. Ahaha.
"He could hear the sound of gunfire and see the fires in the distance, and felt it though the waters that lapped against his body as he stood waist deep in the ocean, just off the shore of Island Two." - '...and felt it through the waters...'
"He waited, listening to the voice of the water, as those who lived through the initial assault plunged into the warm embrace of the salty waters, and smiled." - Water. Water. Water. You can change the last to 'depths' or something similar. Yeah, it's hard to find some synonym for water and all that...
"His head burst above the ocean surface, and he took a quick gasp of air as gunfire greeted him, along with the chopping rotors of attack helicopters, beating against the ocean surface." - You've used 'surface' a bajillion times in the paragraph. Waterline? I dunno.
"To his left, thirty feet away, was the burning wreckage of the Salamander, rapidly being consumed by the ocean waves." - Water doesn't consume. Fire consumes. Water drowns, submerges, does all the things fire doesn't do.
Yup. Bullets don't go more than a couple feet under the water. I think most shatter on the surface with the force of impact, am I right? I remember reading this somewhere on wiki a long time ago.
"That thought from his survival training flashed through Squall’s mind as he pumped his arms quickly, his Guardian Force enhanced strength propelling him through the water quickly and tirelessly..." - Quickly used 2 times. Replace one.
"The helicopter overhead was firing wildly into the water, and he could hear men cry out as they intercepted bullets. " - Awkward. '...he could hear men cry out as the bullets hit them.' I wouldn't say 'intercepted', though if you're going for a disconnected or callous tone, keep it.
"Blood erupted from his torso as two rounds slashed through his body, and pain flashed through Irvine’s body." - Body, body. '...and pain flashed through him [or his nerves?]'
"He tried moving his left arm, but found it no responding as his right pumped..." - '...found it nonresponsive...' or '...found it not responding...' Typo.
That section had a lot of 'pumped's. Yeah...lots.
Heh. I'm sitting here staring at the military terminoloy going "Wtf?" I'll wiki it up. XD
That CPR scene with Irvine and Selphie reminded me of the CPR scene from Misery [Stephen King]. Hah. Nothing really similar other than the CPR, but it was interesting how King described it as 'rape' if I remember correctly.
Anyways. Good. I'd say more but I'm dropping off as I type. May have missed stuff. Repetition. Was waiting for this chapter for a long time. Yeah...G'night. XD [again, incoherence / my fault]
| Sam chapter 1 . 1/24/2007
Please update soon. I am really enjoying the story and I absolutely love the way the action scenes have been written.
My favorite part so far is when Squall finally took down the Sion guy and all of Garden was really concerned for him. Youcan see how much they respect him. I also like the Squall and Rinoa scenes.
So don't leave me hanging and update soon!