|Reviews for Picnic|
| Zefie Kirasagi chapter 1 . 12/12/2006
Personally I liked it. I think you guys laid into this a little hard. For one thing, there's about fifty thousand Tales of Symphonia Colette and Lloyd stories that end up involving Colette sitting in Lloyd's lap, but that doesn't mean anything there. And besides that, while yes Issac and Mia got a little active, they didn't actually do anything, and everything in this story was perfectly viable within the T rating. I liked the story just fine, considering how few stories like this I've seen, and I like the diolouge as well, remember, this is the world of Golden Sun, they can get away with different language than we'd use here in the real world. That line "Don't let the best that ever happened to me be a mistake" was a great line for that area of the story.
Final Score: 10/10
| Revenial chapter 1 . 9/7/2006
yo buddie this is a T rating not an M ok just to let u know
| PeaChii chapter 1 . 9/7/2006
Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy! This fic is very wholesome at the start but in the end it... looks... not. weird, though. I'm sorry, but I am agreeing to the one and only T, your second review.
| Auteur87 chapter 1 . 9/6/2006
It really gets to me how a lot of authors on this site seem to think that in order for a couple to show their feelings for each other, they have to have sex. Granted, that may not have been what you had in mind for Isaac and Mia, but your story was definitely heading in that direction. As Hawki mentioned, you gave a lot of focus in this story to the physical side of their growing relationship and very little to the actual feelings themselves. That'd be perfect if you were writing a lemon, but in a romance story it's not exactly the best practice.
What my question is, is how does this intense physical passion appear in such a short time? Isaac and Mia love each other, we know that, and you showed that, but you gave no indication as to why they wanted each other (and I mean that in a physical sense) so badly. It's true that the games don't characterize Isaac and Mia all that well, but I've always seen them both as rather shy, especially Mia, and certainly not the type to rush into anything physical. So why, then, do Isaac and Mia not only have no inhibitions about furiously making out, but WANT it so soon after finding out their feelings for each other?
Even if we ignore what I said above, though, the whole scene of Isaac and Mia touching each other's faces just confused the hell out of me. First of all, honestly, who the hell does that? And secondly, why does the action of simply touching each other fill them both with sexual desire? (You didn't name it, but it was pretty clear what it was.) I just couldn't understand that.
Finally, a lot of your dialogue seemed very out of place and unrealistic. For example, let's take Mia's line, "Don’t let the greatest experience to ever happen to me be a mistake." I have a lot of problems with this line, not just because it's horribly cliche, but because it's simply not something the average teenaged girl would say off the top of her head. Even if you're not a girl, put yourself in her shoes for a second. What would you say in that situation? Perhaps "No, it's all right," or something along those lines, but not "Don’t let the greatest experience to ever happen to me be a mistake." People tend to have very little articulation in situations like the one you wrote.
I hate to say it but there is quite a bit in this story that needs to be improved. Your descriptions of Isaac and Mia's feelings are definitely very nice, but you'll need to work on the issues I mentioned above if you want this story to be the best it can be. I hope you'll keep my comments in mind as you write your next story.
| Hawki chapter 1 . 9/6/2006
It's ok. It may just be me, but it seems that most of the oneshot development of Isaac and Mia's relationship seems to focus on the physical progression rather than 'inner feeling' progression. Nothing inherantly wrong with that, but it kinda put me off.