|Reviews for Book 1: Revelations of the Past|
| Rozzlynn chapter 4 . 4/10/2008
Yeah, sorry this is so late. Eheh, guess I'll have to make it worth a wait...
Chapter one, the first few sentences; that's a more dramatic intro than before, which is good. 'as she made an effort to put the straps a little tighter to could gain more speed' - it looks like you changed it from 'so she could gain' to 'to gain' without deleting the 'could' or something. Oh, and the magnolia blossoms are a nice image to add to the chase scene.
'Except it nights that' should be 'except it was nights that'? That Kyo reference - since I'm reading Fruits Basket, I know what you're talking about, but to people who don't know of that Kyo, that paragraph would look like a slightly strange introduction to another OC (strange, because the tone seems to suggest that the reader should already know how he reacts to rain). And since I'd read the previous version of the next chapters already, that paragraph seems to me to hint that Thana and her family can talk to people from Weyard and from other worlds that are fantasy in real life, since it sounds like she knows Kyo personally - but to someone reading this for the first time, it would probably just sound like she was making a pop culture reference that most people wouldn't get, and referencing characters that don't exist in the same universe as if they did tends to look clumsy in fic; you could maybe stand to make the she-really-knows-him context a bit clearer. (That is, unless I'm misinterpreting it...)
'A dark shadow passed over the alleyway a few minutes later', followed by 'watching as the small figure leaving the alleyway', suggests that it took a few minutes for her to clear an alleyway at a sprint - that'd make it a seriously long alleyway, wouldn't it?
'adrenaline burning through her veins like acid being poured onto a long strip of paper' - that is such an odd metaphor. . I like it.
'Her heart racing, she swung around without thinking to look behind her.' Surely, in turning round, she _was_ looking behind her? Not in the same way as just turning her head, but still... (Minor point, yeah.)
Up until the end of the chase, I wasn't sure whether it was something she'd chosen to participate in or whether she was fleeing a real enemy; you described just about as much as is possible without giving that away. But when her stalker _knocked her out with a blow to the back of the head_, I thought it had to be an enemy that'd caught her - I mean, a blow to the head! That's dangerous... To quote Medic8 dot com:
"Concussion is classified into five grades
1. The mildest, grade I, involves only confusion.
2. Grade II involves anterograde amnesia that lasts less than five minutes as well as confusion.
3. Grade I involves the symptoms above, as well as retrograde amnesia and unconsciousness for less than five minutes.
4. Grade IV involves all of the above symptoms, as well as unconsciousness that lasts between 5 and 10 minutes.
5. Grade V is the same as grade IV, with unconsciousness lasting longer than ten minutes.
The American Academy of Neurology (AAN) guidelines make it clear that permanent brain injury can occur with either Grade 2 or Grade 3 concussion. [...] In grade I, the patient may return to contact sports in 1 month. For a patient with a second time grade I concussion, the season is over. [...] The symptoms of most concussions are resolved in 48 to 72 hours, but problems may persist."
Adepts may be made of tougher stuff than the rest of us, but unless Maria has healing Psynergy and knows for sure that she can heal head injuries perfectly, that's really not something I'd expect her to do to her sister - if the plot demanded that Thana fall asleep, why couldn't Maria have used a sleep spell on her or something? It's canon Psynergy, after all.
Chapter two is pretty similar to before, keeping it the same story, as you say. When you've had Thana react to the sterile smell of the air and glare at the walls, I'm not sure if you really need to stick 'Thana grimaced inwardly' into the next paragraph; it's good to describe her reactions, but you've already established that that's how she feels about the place.
"The sick room had been an aspect of her house [...]" It sounds like you might have originally meant to close that sentence by saying that it was an aspect "that she [verb for what she thought of it]", since it's a strange way to start a sentence that ends "[...] away from the city"; the sick room _still is_ a part of her house, and an 'aspect' is a slightly weird thing to call it in a line that's just an objective description. "a few of miles" should probably be 'a few miles' - I guess you changed it from 'a couple of miles'? The description of the size of the old house, the way only a part of it is lived in, sets the scene well this time - it's a good addition.
The sisters' body language and speech patterns when they're talking about the test are good - they're acting their ages, pretty much.
It seems strange that, if they've been training her and telling her that she'll know more when she's old enough to know for long enough that she's sick of it, they never told Thana that she'd come of age in that way when she turned twelve - why would they keep that a secret? (If you needed it to be mentioned in the conversation, it could have been phrased as a reminder.) 'knowing she was going to get any more out of Maria' seems to be missing a 'not'.
Maria's “like Felix” comment is nice; a subtle indication that she knows him for real, which can't really be interpreted as anything else (except for an au version of Felix in their world, possibly - but I can't imagine a reader taking a dislike to either interpretation, and a bit of mystery is good). As is the way the accepted explanation for packing the GS games is "who knows what might happen?”, indicating that in a life-threatening situation they might really be needed. 'Alexa' - if that's a reference too, I don't know it, but the bag's described well enough anyway. And the fact that Thana had done well with her choice of clothes (and that her sister didn't notice at first) is a nice way of establishing that Thana does know what she's doing to some extent, since she doesn't get to 'win' much in the story so far.
I'm not sure why you've put “might as well be comfortable” in speech marks; it's a normal enough phrase that it doesn't need any sort of quote marks.
Chapter three... It seems weird that Thana would try to "stay in the bed until she got a full explanation" when an explosion's just rocked the house and smoke's pouring into the room - that would usually make someone get up and act urgently, wouldn't it? Unless that was just a split-second reaction or something. And it's strange that Maria would let her guard down long enough to not notice someone opening the door and pointing a gun at them. (Unless the door was already open? In which case you should maybe have mentioned that...)
Up to the “Oh, the midget speaks,” paragraph, the banter with Romano works pretty well at hinting at a larger backstory that Thana hasn't been let in on yet. When Thana tries to push past Maria and acts angry, that's all well and in-character, but for her to give him a look that 'clearly said she wanted to kill' her step-cousin who has burst in with a gun, because she 'hated being treated any younger than she was'... well, a pet peeve would make her even angrier, but it's odd to put that as the immediate reason for literally wanting to kill someone, especially when there are bigger reasons to be annoyed. And then, even though she knows he's her step-cousin, she tells him she 'has no idea who he is' - that makes him sound like a total stranger. If she was just talking about his new identity as some Master's servant, wouldn't she have said something more like 'who you really are'? Saying that someone's vein popped... I know the anime effect you're invoking, but to write that a vein literally 'popped' gives me an image of profuse bleeding... And "at the Thana " probably doesn't need the 'the'.
If Romano was willing to shoot Thana in an area that wouldn't necessarily be lethal, I'm assuming he was capable of making sure she wouldn't bleed to death from the wound either - there aren't many 'safe' ways to shoot someone, but he could have healing Psynergy. If Maria was that reluctant to transform, and Romano had known that she could and hadn't expected her to, then it must have some cost or downside greater than 'worrying Thana'... Yep, especially if it's uber enough to bring about that sort of dramatic storm. "she smelled rain the air" - ought to be 'in the air'.
When Maria summons that bright light, blinding Romano and his backup, it says that he just dropped Thana to shield his eyes. Then as the sisters start talking and standing around, it gets more and more odd that their attackers aren't doing something - even if they'd been blinded, they'd still say things, move, etc. And then Luna outright says "The enemy is close at hand", indicating that Romano and the others suddenly aren't there anymore, and the rest of the chapter doesn't explain it...
Maria says that she's had a vision that she will be parted from her sister, and that nothing she can do will change it - that the future in her vision is certain. But she also fears that things will go wrong and Thana will come to harm - that the future in her vision is not certain. Was she taught that the prophesised future can be made worse, but not better? (That could make sense if visions were to guide people to achieve the 'best' possible future or something, but it seems contradictory if it's not explained.)
Chapter four... "if she hoped to distract her sister's entrance" seems like it should be 'distract from'... the way it is in the next paragraph (and repeating it like that slightly weakens it). "Deep cracks lined tore up the wall" - that 'lined' seems out of place there, as does the 'with' in "Their bodies were seared and broken with", and the 'them' in "as they were flung them against the wall".
If Maria was slamming the non-Adepts around with enough force to leave deep cracks in the walls and leave them gushing blood, and shattering bones and all that dramatic description, then it's really hard to believe that she was being precise enough not to kill anyone, or that everyone would survive their injuries - and it seems odd for her to waste her energy on transport Psynergy when she expected to have to fight for her life in an indefinitely long battle - so the 'she didn't kill anyone' bit kinda strains suspension of disbelief, and disrupts the tone of the rest of the fight scene.
That she hopes some of her opponents are illusions is a nice detail - as is that bullet moment following it. It helps explain how someone that powerful could be kept busy for so long; it surely would have been hard for an army of several hundred to approach the place unnoticed that morning.
It doesn't make much sense that she pulled the knife out of her side unless she was going to heal the wound right away - you're really not supposed to do that, it lets you bleed quicker. It says that "energy began to surround her body", but then "A small stream of blood followed the one the in her side" looks like it ought to read 'the wound in her side', which would mean it was still there.
The living room's description is nice and vivid - it really brings out how fierce a battle it was, and emphasises the 'in their own home' nature of the conflict, so to speak.
Ah... so it does say that "a few minutes later" she "finished stemming the flow of blood from her side and arm". Still, that's a long time to be bleeding in a fight - if she was powerful enough that it left her "only a little battered", seems strange that she wasn't powerful enough to stem the flow sooner in the first place.
Thana's almost-escape is pretty well paced, and that cliffhanger ending definitely keeps the tension high...
Ah, done. Hope that's useful. Like I said; re-doing it has added drama, but there are places where it looks like the changes still need smoothing over. Nice to know you're still working on chapter five, even if you are still working on "the usual chaotic redoing" as well. .
| Anonomous chapter 4 . 9/1/2007
So good! The characters are great! Keep writing!
| Elf Princess Kiri chapter 4 . 8/12/2007
OMG this was awsome! I was all o.o the whole time! You should really finish fire emblem. Lyon dies! Its so sad cause he tells Eirika he loves her right before he dies...I almost cried. TT3TT And you should really get Fire Emblem Path of Radiance too!
| merody chapter 4 . 8/10/2007
Wow! You're such a cool writer! It felt so smooth and seamless...*bows*
| MagicalRicePudding chapter 4 . 7/6/2007
Ack! So long! ' It'll take me a while to read this. But I'll do my best. Enable anonomous reviews so I can review again.
| Limitless00 chapter 3 . 4/11/2007
Hey! It's been awhile, hasn't it? Just wanted to tell you that this story is goin great! Don't stop! Keep going! I wanna know how far Thana gets!
Oh yeah! Still workin on mine too. Trust me, it'll be up in maybe a week or two! Later! -TwilightPrince01 -_-
| Quizer chapter 3 . 4/4/2007
Hey, good to see you update! It took a while, but you improved a lot in the meantime! This chapter is much better already than your earlier ones!
So Maria is either from Weyard or she has inherited her powers or something. Either way, there must be a connection between the worlds that at least a few people know of.
I don't mind blood if the story turns out that way, but please don't include gore for its own sake. Use as much as you have to. If the story you want to write doesn't require excessive levels of violence, then by all means, stay away!
| Rozzlynn chapter 3 . 3/27/2007
Eheh... munchkin? That's so cutesy. Seems the sisters really are very close - I love my sister, but I wouldn't face death for her. And it is a little striking, the way their dialogue stays that normal/colloquial (in tone) after the mysterious transformation. The mystical-protection content is, of course, a bit cliche - but I did think for a minute that she was actually going to leave without them. (Not sure how well she'd have fared then...) Well, it's... moving really fast, and I'm definitely keen to see what happens next. (I know I keep saying that, but it keeps being true...)
As for 'how much blood' - surely you've got to find the atmosphere that best suits each scene. The tone, the level of urgency, it should be as the story demands, and any-thing or -one else's resquests are second to that... (Oh, and must the AN say that the characters won't die? Not that I really, really thought she would, but, uh... Like I said, once a story's started, I don't much like spoilers.)
| MagicalRicePudding chapter 3 . 3/18/2007
Woah that was cool! BUT YOU PROMISED! PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED!PROMISED! TO have LOTSA blood! *flails arms* Oh well. You better update cause I have WRITERS BLOCK and a busted lip! Yep, I hurt myself on my bed rail. There was blood on my pillow. Okay, later! UPDATE!
| jedigrl2001 chapter 3 . 3/16/2007
YAY! About time! ...like I should talk, but life has hit me 150 mph and I'm along for the ride.
Either way, it does me good to see this progressing the way it is! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
As for violence, this is barely PG in my opinion. But then again, you take a look at the later chapters of TTOEs and... well... _ I have a little bit of a violence fetish... okay, a rather large violence fetish. Blood is my friend.
I agree, killing characters off is something audience shouldn't ask of the writer. It's up to you, so don't let anyone tell you how you should write your story. After all, it's yours, and they are YOUR characters. Take care of them. _
Smileys aside, it's really good! And maybe by the time I get around to posting another chapter there'll be another one up! KUDOS TO A JOB WELL DONE!
| Leoshi chapter 2 . 1/3/2007
Very nice so far! I enjoyed the detail you placed in the first chapter, and even moreso in this one! Not only that, but your final few lines in your A/N made me laugh. Looking forward to the third!
| Rozzlynn chapter 2 . 10/20/2006
Ooh, the second chapter's up. Well, it is short, but it really is quite a cliffhanger. If the third chapter's going to appear before the end of the year, I hope that might mean early November's a possibility? (I hope your work goes well too, of course. I'm just all the more keen to see how this one goes, after these starting minutes by the cliff.)
She's in a hospital bed, in a sickroom, in a house (in the summer holidays) - is it their house? (Is it supposed to be clear or unclear what the building is, at this point?) "about Golden Sun" - a copyright symbol? Hmm... and with AN at the end, a page break of some sort might be quite useful for separating it from the story, but page breaks are fiddly things on this site - lots of people have tried using a variety of keyboard characters and found (or not noticed) that they disappear, and the html is a bit of a pain to search for (I only managed to find it recently). So, in case it's any use, I think it's hr (short for 'horizontal rule') for page breaks in html mode. And I can't think of anything else that might be helpful in a technical way - I didn't notice any typos in this one.
And, uh, this might be a stupid question, but what's an A.R. book? (Obviously, from the context, it's a book that you have to read for some schoolwork... but what does A.R. stand for?)
| Hawki chapter 2 . 10/14/2006
Hmm. So Golden Sun is a game in their universe yet in reality is a real world? It's an interesting combination. I'm not usually into the whole "sucked into the game thing" but since you're portraying Weyard as a real parallel world rather than a digitised one, I'm willing to bear with it.
I notice that you're going for the whole 'painful memories thing' which instantly brings a ceartin two words to mind. It's your story but I'd advise caution with such a background-either it's important in the plot or it reeks.
One request; when they arrieve at Weyard could you PLEASE make their arrieval more realistic than other stories I've read. Too many stories tend to comply to unbelievable acceptance. eg;
Isaac: Where are you from?
Isaac: Huh? What's that?
Newcomer: It's a parallel world.
Isaac: Oh. That's ok.
WTF moments are better in my mind. Anyway, these are just some personal suggestions that have no authoritarian bearing. It's a good story and I look forward to the next update. Good luck with your 'school wars.'
| jedigrl2001 chapter 2 . 10/13/2006
Remember that part on Aladdin when Aladdin cleverly points out that the Genie got them out of the cave on his own; ie: not on Al and Abu's three wishes? I feel the need to quote my dear friend Robin Williams on this.
"Well, I feel sheepish."
Yes, everyone. It was I who accused "dream-woman" of being Thana. I will now hang my head in shame.
Believe it or not, I'm quite glad I was wrong! I was so worried that you would submit to the cliche, but you haven't! I could squeal with glee! ...and I actually am! Hmm... so it isn't Thana, it is a possible Proxinian (just cause that's how I spell it so, HA!), and they have hair like Menardi... ponder, ponder...
I love the way you write Thana and Maria. They act and speak just like siblings truly do, and that was good to see.
As for this next part, don't take it personally, but stories involving "parallel universe," or incorporating "our world," with Weyard have always been a turn-off. Typically I end up shoving it aside. Your voice is strong enough to help me see past that and keep reading, and that alone is the sign of a good writer. As for the plot, it is moving along quickly. YOu certainly know how to capture and keep your audience's attention, so that's VERY good. If you can keep me interested in something where I'd normally dismiss it and not return, that means you're doing something right.
The only major problem in the whole piece is: "Maria waited with a bated breath."
No matter how this goes in my head, it doesn't seem to add up.
There's "baited breath," but that's one of the weirdest, almost Shakespearean "love descriptions." Like, waiting for the one you love with "baited breath." Waiting to lure them out to you. That sort of this, so that doesn't work.
"a bated" so I'm guessing you could have meant "abated." I really like that word, and it has a lot of power since you're sucking all of the sound out from this scene, which I loved. I loved that one bird was gone, then all of them, then the slow realization of silence.
It could work, but it would have to be more phrased like Maria listening to her breath abating, or as her breath abated. I do love that word, and I'm guessing that is what you really meant.
It's coming along! And believe it or not, I'm very anxious to see what happens next.
I have a gift for you! A new poetry form. It's actually, as far as I can tell, a form "invented" by Gregory Maguire, the author of "Wicked," and "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister." Both very good, but... I'd say VERY PG-13 to R rated, so I can't really recommend them to you yet. _~
It's called a "quell"
Expect a PM. _
| MagicalRicePudding chapter 2 . 10/13/2006
Whoo! See? Told ya you were a good writer! XD Is she in a hospital or a house? Or is she in a hospitalhouse? Me no comprehendo. o.O Other than that it was A. W. S. O. M. E. Hee hee! UPDATE OR ELSE!
Aww man! I forgot about all that stuff! And the Math Models project, so we betta get crackin'! And I have to do All Valley Flute, karate, read my AR book, a map for American History and some other uncountable things. But I shall pervail! The easy way! -grabs a lance and starts stabbing backpack- XD