|Reviews for The Heartbreaker's Innocence|
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 11/9/2012
The story has a good premise, but if you really want to improve as a writer, I hope this review and my constructive criticism will give you something to think about.
The story's first chapter started off well, but began to crumble when the tenses shifted. For example, you wrote: "Dressing up wasn't Kagome's specialty, so her daily wardrobe only consisted of concert T-shirts her mother brought back and twenty pairs of different shades of jeans. Of course, she hasn't found a problem with that, since a bright smile would be plastered on her mother's face when she sees Kagome wearing them."
Do you see how many times you've shifted tenses in the paragraph above? It starts off in the past tense, then shifts to present tense. To correct the error, the last part of the paragraph should read: "Of course, she [hadn't] found a problem with that, since a bright smile would be plastered on her mother's face when she [saw] Kagome wearing them."
But even then, the paragraph still sounds stilted and awkward like many others in your first chapter. I won't go out of my way to point out all your tense shifts, but be aware that it happens often. Be wary of overusing adverbs, and try to catch minor typos because there are a few. I hope you'll go back over this story and try to stay consistently in the past tense. If anything, get a good beta reader to look over each chapter. Having a fresh set of eyes works wonders!
Also, having a random author's note inserted in the middle of your story breaks the flow of reading. I would suggest leaving all A/Ns at the end of the story, or at the beginning.
All in all, please don't regard this review as a flame. I'm sure you have a great story, and perhaps your writing does improve in the later chapters, but for now know that if you keep making silly mistakes in critical chapters, your readership will dwindle down. You could make for a good writer one day, but in order to get there, you'll need someone to point out your mistakes. Sure, it'll hurt, but if you take what I've said and fix your story, you can only get better. There are many people who'll overlook these issues and feed you with constant praise, but what good would that do but inflate your ego? The only way to improve as a writer is to take what little constructive criticism you're given and work with it.
All the best!
| Divine-Drgon chapter 16 . 1/3/2012
| bartender t aka tc chapter 16 . 6/23/2011
GREAT CHAPTER, LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT ONE...THANKS FOR WRITING A AWESOME STORY...
| udontnome chapter 16 . 8/18/2010
I was just wondering if this story is going to get updated soon or are we forever going to be left hanging? it would be nice to just recieve a status on this story. Please and thank you:)
| Bell.Bit chapter 16 . 1/27/2010
tho its been a while please update soon!
| Kint0 chapter 16 . 8/17/2009
aww... Sesshy so sweet. Lol
| Song Bird55 chapter 16 . 6/14/2009
oh my god.
you have to update this story.
All the good stories aren't updating. please don't ditch your story!
| InuXKagAngel XKagz chapter 16 . 6/10/2009
Plz get inu and kags together soon!
| darkangel0212 chapter 1 . 5/4/2009
keep up the good work
| iluvSokka46 chapter 16 . 11/27/2008
really good story. please update soon!
| TotallyAzure chapter 16 . 11/10/2008
Are you still working on this story?
| tofupanda chapter 16 . 11/5/2008
Aw~ I love the fact that they're interacting more..and noticing little details about each other...haha
I love a jealous Inuyasha...xD hahaha
Great chapter! Update soon~~
| inuyasha-kagomeluver chapter 16 . 9/14/2008
this story is great is inuyasha a little jealous...update soon...:)
| monkey123 chapter 16 . 8/29/2008
awesome! absolutely awesome! keep on writing! i love it! i'll die of anticipation if you don't update soon! love ya!
| kagome313 chapter 1 . 8/24/2008
awesome first chappy! n am already hooked *_*
i'm eager to kno how this is gonna play out.. until next time _~
sesshy! *hyperventilates* lol - k, random _