|Reviews for Thelodus|
| Vi-Violence chapter 22 . 2/2/2012
Bureau, no "o".
| Guest chapter 4 . 4/23/2011
Just wanted to point out some things from this fanfic that I think help create a mysteriousness that pulls the reader in, as well as some things that might drive them away. I know its already complete, but I guess this could be helpful for future fanfics? It's up to you.
First, the criticism:
It's a bit confusing in some places. For instance, in this scene in the interrogation room when Margaret meets Prof. Broom, it's a bit difficult to fully understand who has grabbed her arm or whether Hellboy is in the same room or on the other side of the one-way window.
It's difficult to write in the point of view of someone who is blind because we as people who can see, mostly use that sight to describe everything. So, definitely work on your descriptions of things told through the point of view of blind people. ( or even as another way to move out of your comfort zone, try a bit of practice through the POV of a deaf person. )
Also, there are some things I feel either need more explaining or just need to be rewritten so that the full intent of what you imagined can be experienced by the reader. i.e., I found the beginning scene where she was being chased by the agents a bit lacking in the realistic realm. Why did they knock her out with a rock? And, why the harsh treatment at the Bureau? One would think that it would be a sort of haven for 'freaks', since half of the employees have some sort of power or gift, so the whole experimentation thing seems a bit far-fetched. Perhaps if that part was at some other research-like facility/laboratory instead of the Bureau it would be more believable.
In chapter 14, the part where the stairs collapse is a little bit confusing. Was it Meg that made the stairs collapse? And what were the holes she put her fingers in? Her arm broke, why isn't it in a cast in the later chapters?
And then there are the few spelling and grammar mistakes, but everyone suffers from those.
Now for the praise!
I think one of the things that helps keep people reading is the point of view of a blind person(very unique), as well as the mystery that continues to unfold around Meg, her past, and her powers, as the chapters progress. Her and Abe's relationship is also another hook, especially since even after 22 chapters its still up in the air how far you were going to take them.
Like everyone on this site you are developing writing skills. Produced from these writing skills is a very unique writing style that adds a lot of really great imagery and voice to the story and characters. Some quotes from a few of the chapters really stood out to me, such as:
From Ch.6: "I blink, and a dull feeling comes over me. It's a strange feeling. I think at one point it must have been grief, but it got old and worn over the years and I got used to it." Awesome! This is a fantastic description of what she was feeling. The writing is strong enough that even I feel it.
Ch 11: "Tears still cascade down my face like liquid silk, burning at some zit scab." haha I love the zit scab part the most, because most people don't acknowledge that people are, as a whole, imperfect, and that zits do exist even in the story realm.
Chapter 17 was written really well; It was very vibrant in imagery and full of suspense that kept me hooked 'till the very end!
Overall, it's very original of you to have the Thelodus as a magical creature with a lot of power, and even more so for it to be the reason behind Meg's abilities. In the end, I feel like she wasn't a Mary Sue, nor was there any blatantly obvious cliches.
I'm definitely going to check and see if you've written a sequel ;) Meg's story has only just started, and I'm anxious to see what happens next.
Thank you for writing! It's been a great pleasure to read it and review :)
Till next time,
Tater Tots :3
| ArmoredSoul chapter 22 . 2/1/2009
| ArmoredSoul chapter 17 . 2/1/2009
I am happy reader person.
THIS IS AWESOME!
| ArmoredSoul chapter 15 . 2/1/2009
| ArmoredSoul chapter 10 . 2/1/2009
| ArmoredSoul chapter 9 . 2/1/2009
I'm sleeping with the light on tonight...
| ArmoredSoul chapter 8 . 2/1/2009
So now the little brother knows something his sister does not...
| ArmoredSoul chapter 7 . 2/1/2009
This is getting just too good.
Despite the occasional spelling error.
And I can't help but love the description of her shoes.
| ArmoredSoul chapter 6 . 2/1/2009
I like how she doesn't judge people.
She's very open minded, but I guess that comes with the territory.
| ArmoredSoul chapter 5 . 2/1/2009
Just needs some spelling work and some elaboration for the reader's sake.
Otherwise, well done.
I like how you described Hellboy's stone arm from her point of view.
Guy's "attached" to a rock.
| ArmoredSoul chapter 4 . 2/1/2009
Burro - Bureau, a burro is a donkey
| ArmoredSoul chapter 3 . 2/1/2009
I have to wonder, why is the BPRD involved in this?
I mean, I get the whole paranormal thing, she's got some interesting powers, but why kidnap her?
Government organization they may be, they don't really act like it.
It's especially strange having Abe in on this, as he's pretty much the sweetest, most gentle person on the entire BPRD team.
Even if it is logical to have a psychic in on an interrogation.
| ArmoredSoul chapter 2 . 2/1/2009
imediotly - immediately
strait - straight, the version you used is a body of water
| ArmoredSoul chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
Spell Check would be nice.
Try starting sentence with something other than I.
Put dialog on a separate line from other text, it makes it easier to read.
A few spelling errors I noticed:
cloths - clothes or clothing, possibly fabric would work
squacking of a walky talky - squawking, hand held radio or com sounds more professional
Shark Bate - Shark Bait
proubably - probably
f’n comotion - commotion, the f'n sounds to nonchalant for the situation presented
Otherwise, I like it.
You might want to try elaborating a bit more, stretch out the chase scene to make a more substantial chapter, but a short prologue always helps.
Need to describe your character a bit better, though.
Give the reader a face to envision.