Reviews for House of Reptiles
Myra the Dovahkiin chapter 12 . 2/7/2010
great story. Love!
Black Ace 0 chapter 1 . 12/25/2009
TO FAVES.
WritingRin chapter 12 . 7/4/2009
[‘Cause if I just blinked, he followed along – a prisoner of reason, then that would mean that I’m…

A cough shook him then, sending ripples of pain coursing through his body.]

Hehe! I enjoyed that! Nice phrasing!

[It was true, he was not a being of spirit anymore (if indeed, he ever was) but of substance]

Isn't it vexing! Now he has to wonder if he ever was really dead! And again, nice phrasing of this line!

[It isn’t fair! he cried. Tears pooled in his eyes as his senses imposed upon him the extent of his deformed condition, while his memory teased with all that he’d seen and been through.]

This is what makes all of this okay. He's back to life, we can all be so happy about that! But he's had a taste of serenity and forgotten the dark side of life, and now he's returned and is forced to remember! This is SO okay with me! Yay, he's back and suffering, basically. I'm so awful xD

[Are you really going to drag your cut-up carcass out of this cot and try to find him? The ninja moaned at the stupidity, the sheer vanity, of the idea. “You are, aren’t you,” he rasped,]

YES, YAY, HORRAY, for connections like that! For friends!

[And saw injuries that made his seem barely worth mentioning. A guilty pang fell over him. ]

Ah! That pesky perspective! Minimizing his pain!

[All things considered, his survival was nothing less than a miracle.] Literally...

Ah! What! Reona said Naruto was perfectly fine!

WHAT! WHEN THE HELL are these people going to stop TRYING TO KILL NARUTO for housing the fox? ARGH! And Tomoki is right, not knowing the whole story is SO MUCH WORSE than knowing nothing at all!

M. His explaination was kind of interesting. I prefer the theory that the seal let's the fox's chakra seep into Naruto over time so that he can make it his own. So that eventually the fox will no longer even exist. I read about it in a really cool fanfiction recently and I don't remember how much of that was based on canon and they explained it better than I just did. But anyway, even though I prefer that theory, I thought that Tomoki's explaination was good too. At least, his illustration really was. About how hard it is to destroy water, but how it's possible to contain it and make it conform to the container.

[“in these last couple of days I’ve watched an Empress die, a castle crumble, and a great house fall from power. I’ve killed four ghosts, was one myself, and came back from the dead. I know I look like I’ve got nothing left, but the truth is,” the genin stated as he stepped forward and stared up at the man, “I haven’t even started yet!”]

I hate to put that long of a quote here, but MY GOD, MAN, THAT WAS FANTASTIC! TOMOKI! I LOVE YOUR SPEECHES!

And, oh, thank god. He saved him. Man, oh man. I was SO STREESED OUT for that whole part! From the second I saw that Naruto's power was being drained I got so upset! And you know, I wish that Tomoki would cry in relief or pity for Naruto right now. Because he cried that other time, and someone really just NEEDS to cry for Naruto's sake now, IMO. He goes through some awful crap! But I'm actually rambling, huh? xD

[Bandages pulled and sutures tugged like a thousand cats’ claws in the genin’s skin, but he didn’t care. There was nothing he could lose now that wouldn’t be more than made up for by this moment, when his friend seemed more solid, warm and real than anything he’d felt before.]

Awesome! I love that emotional reunion!

[“I’m…really sorry I hit you, Tomoki,” the blond ninja blurted suddenly, as if they were the most important words ever spoken.]

Hehe, Naruto! Forget about that! Goof!

[Tomoki and the whole rest of the room froze, flat-lined by the young ninja’s tirade. But what he’d said had cut to the bone, and the way he’d said it was not as a petulant child, but as a man who saw clearly, and cared deeply.]

YES! Naruto gets to throw in a good speech too! I like how you described their reactions! Flat-lined, cut to the bone and 'saw clearly, and cared deeply'. Great words, such feeling!

[“Well…there it is,” remarked Acacia absently, then said with a smile: “Please, Naruto, tell us what you really think.”]

Lol!

Wow, Tomoki dredged up those words from the first chapter! Awesome! I like it when things circle like that! Plus, it's always cool when you realize you've experienced something that's coming in handy once more and you can apply it to something!

Wow! Well, I'm really impressed with Acacia. This DEFINITELY makes those previous chapters worth it. I thought it was too cliche then, seriously. But now, I'm so glad it led to all this! And again, she was awesome in her role. Yay for Naruto and Tomoki pushing her to it! I love women leaders, they can really be cool!

And THANK YOU for finally addressing the action that Konoha might be taking, esp. now that we know it wasn't Sarutobi that sent Tomoki and even if it was they'd be missing Naruto!

[Lady Acacia, the new Tsuchikage, looked at the two genin, took in Tomoki’s horrific appearance then set back to work. “I’d better lay this on thick.”]

lol! Yup!

[he wore a baggy blue and white uniform whose style and color meant nothing here.]

That's a nice detail, considering all the other times you wrote what it represented!

Wow. This is so amazing of a result! I mean, wasn't it the Earth country that Konoha has such bad blood with? And now they're going to be allies. Wow. Because of TWO GENIN. Seesh! It's crazy!

[“Sure you can,” he said simply.

“What? No, Naruto -,” Tomoki started, but was cut off.]

Gosh, I can hear Tomoki saying that so clearly! He sounds so weak and sad. Yay for Naruto, encouraging him into doing it! That's so great!

[So if he looked into the Hokage’s eyes and found tunnels infinitely-deep, yielding vistas into forever, Tomoki would simply smile and nod. After all, we were all servants in heaven’s court.

The End.]

Wow, what a nice ending!

Jono, you rock as a writer. Seriously, for a series you apparently rushed through an all... This was a really great story! I'm sad that you've gotten so few readers just because they don't want to give an OC story a chance. I really enjoyed all three of these stories and I'm glad that you wrote them! Thank you, sincerely, for sharing them with me!

And now, I'm going to go check out those Haku stories, which is how I found you in the first place! lol, how did I get sidetracked like this anyway? xDD But again, I'm glad I did!
WritingRin chapter 11 . 7/4/2009
Yesh, that last review was long, I think it took alot out of me. xD But I'll try and make this one just as good!

[He saw lives everywhere abruptly end in all the hidden villages – a great and terrifying mass-extinction of humanity unlike anything ever before seen.]

I loved your description of death. And when I got to this part I was really impressed. It's so foreboding, and you ended it on that note too! I expected to find out more about it but I don't think I really did. Although you talked about how Des. was used by some evil guy and so I take it he's going to find some other way to bring on this destruction!

I enjoyed Naruto's talk with the qi-lin(sp?) and some of the stuff that guy said. Like this:

[“then the very last thing he’d wish is for you to waste away mourning him. Do you imagine that Tomoki would draw any comfort from your sitting there - squatting in the dark, in the mud like that?”]

It's so true. As someone living, I can be absorbed in this misery with him. But from the perspective of the person who died, if they could see him... that person definitely wouldn't like this picture!

Naruto was outspoken enough in that scene but I still expected that conversation to turn out to be one of the ones I'm very uncomfortable with, where he's ranting and raving. But he's not himself because of Tomoki, and so I think he took it just far enough this time. And I liked how he chastised and basically blamed the qi-lin for Tomoki's death.

Again with the friendship stuff, I really liked this line:

[“And you know how I thanked him?” his voice crested shrilly, then cracked. “I punched him right in the face!”]

Such regret now! He really cared about Tomoki! They really were good friends! So this is so sad! :(

I liked the memories, and the visions. You write things like that so well! It had a certain feel. And it was cool how he directed his memories and saw Sasuke and Tomoki not laughing at him. :)

[His eyes wandered over the newcomer’s face, and started with recognition at the scar upon his cheek – a character that read ‘Vagrant’.]

That's an interesting connection now. Because of the other Vagrant! And it's Wen! Oh, I'm so glad to see him and hear that Lady Acacia sent them! That's cool. It makes those painfully boring chapters a little worthwhile :P

And look, he managed to make Naruto budge after all and they're taking him away!

And now look, SOMEONE is alive! Could it be Tomoki? Could it really be that Naruto's speech to the qi-lin resulted in such a thing?

Aw, it's too easy that way. I like wallowing in the dark stories a bit. :/ But I must admit, I do have a stronger leaning towards happy endings (if they aren't fairy tale quality ones) and that I would be sincerely okay with it if Tomoki DID come back to life. Although, seriously, if he stayed dead it'd STILL be a happy ending as long as Naruto prevented the mass destruction that Tomoki saw and found a way to move past Tomoki's death. And it's sort of what I'd prefer. But it is a story, and maybe it's a good thing that stories are just stories, and don't have to be exactly like real life.
WritingRin chapter 10 . 7/4/2009
I really wish I had stopped periodically to write this review because I've already forgotten which lines I loved and now I have to go back and skim. But that's not really so bad because this chapter was so great! Aw, I was just so... entertained!

*starts skimming*

[“You killed him!” he snarled in a gravely voice that met and matched the thunder. “Why?” his voice roared, torn by anguish. “How could you do that?”]

This is heart-wrenching! I feel his anguish too!

And then in the course of that battle he was so awesome-pissed and FEARSOME! And they flung that genjutsu at him, of him ripping Sasuke apart. And he knew it was just a trick, and he attacked again! He was so strong, and they couldn't defeat him! Until he... doubted himself. And opened the way for Tomoki to come in and be awesome!

Jono, this story, in the beginning, was not so great. But even so, it lead to this... this AWESOME-SAUCE-Y CHAPTER!

What a pathetic villain! So naive! But not in a bad way for a character! I got SO MUCH pleasure out of her defeat. Out of Tomoki's "betrayal." SO many times MCs in other stories have gotten themselves possessed and had to fight against that, so as not to destroy their friends. And maybe even not succeeded. So I actually LIKE the fact that Tomoki was himself right from the start! That he DID have to fight against her influence but only for a moment. Oh, that was so much more pleasurable to read, than all that bad-Soap-opera-drama of the first situation I mentioned!

GO, TOMOKI, that rocked! Or, well, GO, ORPHAN, that rocked! I liked too, that you started calling him that. It just made the writing stronger, somehow.

[don’t you think someone smarter, stronger or crazier than you would have done it by now?” he continued acidly. “Look at you. It was only when your own son died that you understood what life is: precious and fleeting...]

I mentioned last time how much I love speeches right? This was another really good one. YES, I LOVED IT! And then this surprising bit!:

[The boy-ghost buried his face in his crossed, handless arms and wept, while Desdemona stood there in shock.]

[“And you…and you killed me for this,” he spat vengefully, pointed his sword then screamed: “You heartless bitch, you killed me!”]

[Look at what you did to me. You took my hands too. Swords are all I have!” The apparition shook with unsettling laughter.]

So much emotion in all of this, man! Man, it rules!

[Orphan turned deliberately toward his wraith brethren. “Of course, I’m going to kill all of you too.]

I'm terrible. I shouldn't love violence. But his murderous rampage has really got me going! I really enjoyed each of the deaths of guei. They sure got taken out expediently!

Oh man, and now we're getting to the REALLY good parts. Naruto got struck with DISEASE! A WRETCHED, PAINFUL ONE! Your description of it was so good! And later too, when Tomoki described how the fox's chakra was fighting it off!

[It was his greatest attribute; one that bespoke the essence of his very soul, yet this time it wasn’t working. This time he would not prevail in the end as he had so often before. I…I can’t go out like this – a…a loser, a disgrace]

Naruto! It would be such an unexpected death for him! But it's believable! Struck with a real DISEASE when he's never been ill for any reasonable amount of time at all! He's felt pain, he's suffered a lot. But with the fox's chakra I'm just not sure how much it's actually saved him so much pain-like, I don't think he's really used to it. To be struck by that disease, it would definitely be really tough to get over and get back to fighting! Gawlee!

And then Vagrant's scene! Wow, she turned out to be pretty nice. And Naruto liked her, but he had to destroy her anyway, and so simply too. And all of that just added to the DARKNESS of this story!

[Not a bad place to haunt, he mused sardonically, though he found it hard to accept this new identity.]

And it shows, numerous times. But still, he actually does take to it, in an awesome way. And it's REALLY cool.

[My friend, my…beautiful friend. The ghost staggered for a moment, overcome with emotion, then righted himself and sighed. How many things about you I’ll never forget…]

There's something so cheesy about that. But it's basically what I've been longing for since at least Five Animals Play. Tomoki's dead. But they've FINALLY become such good friends, for real! (As opposed to the really close relationships I've had with friends that were severed by literal DISTANCE of all things. And until the recent chapters of this story, I felt like they could drift apart like that too. And now, I don't.)

I really thought Naruto would wake up and say something to Tomoki, but I'm actually kind of glad he didn't. It's better writing that he doesn't.

And then Tomoki! He smashed the source of her power, destroyed his link to this world and left her to live on! I didn't expect it to go down like that! And then the building started to be destroyed and she died?(or is going to?) anyway!

And I just keep wondering about Naruto, still unconscious... did he 'fall over the plateau' too?
WritingRin chapter 9 . 7/4/2009
Wow. I'm surprised. This has actually gotten better the past chapter or so. I'm really into it all of the sudden!

Is Tomoki really dead? I have to tell you, I just think that would be really awesome. It would be sad if he is, and if he can't come back somehow. But it would explain why you haven't written another story for this series (although it could always be as I first assumed, that you just weren't inclined to do so) I really like it when things get serious, and don't end all perfect. So if Tomoki is really dead and can't go back to normal, but he accomplishes what he came here to do and finds peace in the end. I'll be happy. But I'm getting to far ahead with my theories!

Okay, and as for the beginning of the story... I really liked Tomoki's speech:

[I refuse to be judged by a spirit who’s taken its shackles with it into the afterlife!]

Strong words like that, rock!

And I liked that Naruto fell into the genjutsu. Because he is stupid enough to do that, especially since Slave was manipulating his "slavery to his training." That would definitely happen. And it's led to this DELICIOUSLY dark twist! Naruto got big-headed and forgot about his friend, and because of that his friend died! Aw so dark! I'm loving it!
WritingRin chapter 8 . 7/4/2009
[The ninja waded into a quadrant of orange flowers then crouched down and, in his vivid clothing, was almost invisible in their midst. “See, Tomoki!” he cheered boisterously.

“Ok, ok, I take it all back,” he granted, then announced grandly: “You’re a master of camouflage!”]

LMAO! Can you BELIEVE that I have never had this come up in any of the fanfictions I've ever read? Naruto's orange suit... actually blending in! It's PRICELESS!

[Does Kakashi-sensei trust you carrying kunai knives, or does he make you cork the ends?”]

lol! That was funny, and I like how it's stuck into the conversation, while Tomoki's avoiding admiting Naruto's mastery of camo!

Hmm. I thought the talk with the Shan was kind of interesting. And the way Naruto and Tomoki thought about it. And I always like it when there's "immortals" that don't appreciate life, and mortals get to rail on about the downside to living forever. I just think it's interesting.

[That’s why I asked you stay where you were, so I could encircle you with a monofilament.”]

Whatever a... monofilimanet is. _ " And I sure wish that he had realized something was amiss sooner! I thought it was weird that she kept going around and around... and considering the supernatural tilt of this story, I did imagine that she could be doing something fancy with a circle. :/ And she definitely gave off a threatening vibe the entire time! D:

I knew she was bad.

I didn't know how bad! Yikes! [You, my beautiful one, shall be the eighth and last.”] Yikes! I actually didn't see that coming!

[After she was through, she studied the character she’d rendered: ‘Orphan.’]

*shudder!* And what a thing to have branded on your face :(
WritingRin chapter 7 . 7/4/2009
[“D…did the Hokage, the real Hokage, send me here…or was that you too?”]

Mm! That's in interesting twist!

[“I’m sorry Naruto,” Tomoki continued with a sniffle, “but this whole mission is a fraud. The Hokage didn’t send me…and neither of us is supposed to be here.]

Wow! Yay for naive kiddies getting themselves in trouble! xDD

[“No one…,” he rasped, and Tomoki could hear the tears in his voice, “no one’s ever said anything like that to me before.”

Tomoki canted his head then smiled. “I guess it’s about time then.”]

Yayy! I'm happy for that at least. Yay for friends!
WritingRin chapter 6 . 7/3/2009
Crepy. Taxonomies of real people! Not that I haven't come across the idea before... And it seems that they're all... well, I just can't justify it the way Catullus did. I don't care if they're enemies, it's a gross thing to do. And it's very un-Japanese even. Considering the way they've always fought. Bushido and all...

*shudders*

[“He’s not clueless,” Tomoki clarified. “It’s just that…something as awful as this wouldn’t occur to him right away.”]

That line struck a cord with me. I have to say... I like that about Naruto. And I like that Tomoki said that about him.

Oo. So anyway. I think it's kinda funny that Tomoki told Wen he could tell the story about the witch and now it's led to all of this. And I'm curious where it'll go from here. Because really, he could only beat her because he learned how she got her power and monkey-wrenched it. Can't necessarily do the same with this new power...
WritingRin chapter 4 . 7/2/2009
[If you must know…twenty years ago, Lady Acacia of the River Lands married Prince]

Boring... T_T Sorry. Not interested in those details. I immediately grimaced and started skimming...

[“I don’t know who you guys think you’re looking at!” Naruto announced ebulliently. “But I could take on any one of ya! Believe it!”]

[“It’s really hard to be friends with you sometimes.”]

Aw! :( I like Naruto's attitude xDD It's kinda too bad that Tomoki doesn't!

Mmph... This "princess," especially since I'm so LOATHE to see any kind of princess in the first place... Is not nearly as interesting as the other characters you've created. Like Xaiomei and beast spirits, all of whom I was interested in from the start of their appearances. And I have this nagging feeling that she's either going to have some kind of cheesy, regular-bad-guy's intentions or turn out to be tragic and ask for their help (but WHY them, these kids? And she's apparently separate from Uiko&co so what's the deal with that?)

Since I'm not really interested in her as a character I skipped over the beginning of the fight. But through skimming the rest of it, I actually did get interested and ended up reading most of the rest of the battle. And now my opinion of her has improved somewhat.

But... I don't know. It's going to take a lot to warm me up to this plot. :/

But, Wen reappeared! That was interesting! I didn't expect to see him again. I'm not sure that I like finding him in THIS place, but it was still kinda cool to see that he DID become a ninja after all...
WritingRin chapter 3 . 7/2/2009
[“But you knew that missions like this can be dangerous, didn’t you?” He studied her young face which clearly revealed the answer. “Didn’t you?”]

O_O What kind of place are they going to! Seesh!

[while Naruto slapped his leg and laughed, “Um, yeah, Tom-tom, you just keep the details to yourself next time, ok!”]

Lol! I love Naruto!

[Most of all, be careful, because when you perceive nature in this way, it can also perceive you.”]

Crepy. O_O

[lugubriously]

*headdesks* Seriously, sometimes it's like you pull these words right out of your-*coughs* thesaurus... XP

Hmm. That meditation scene was... trippy. O_O; And yeah, a little frightening...

[“even a big cat of some kind, like an ocelot or something.” His eyes opened, tapped his chin then rambled, “I think that’s what they’re called.”]

I like the fact that he knows there's a big cat out there. xD

[They’re just doing the same kinds of things we do in the daytime, only at night.]

Oh man. If I ever go camping, I want Tomoki with me! That was such a reassuring little speech! If I was Reona it would definitely make ME feel better!

[The leaf ninja chuckled then replied, “Believe it. Now get some rest.”]

Hehe. I kind of like the novelty of using the phrase "believe it!" when talking about Naruto. xDD

-

Grammar/Typos/Awkward things :

[for you that hesitate to teach you this,]

Mising an "I" before hesitate...

[who seemed to him then more than ever like a father than ever]

Wow. That's all I can say there. Wow...

[and he seemed to him that he was outside himself]

he seemed to him? _ '
WritingRin chapter 2 . 7/2/2009
[but would prevail on you first to be content instead with what you have and who you are. That is a great achievement for anyone.]

Very true. And sayings like that always making me wonder if *I* am content like that. I don't think I am, not fully. So I'd be interested in reading about someone else who is xD

[‘Why not you?’ the remembrance blurted in his mind. “Yeah, why not me?”]

I smiled at that! Cheered him on a bit :)

[Rock Lee... That guy’s a hero, even though he lost. They should write ballads and epics about him and his fight with Gaara.]

lol! Aw, I agree! I love Lee!

YAY! YAY! I love it when the canon characters cameo, I do! And it's actually kind of cool to have them in a story that's actually about an OC, because you get to see the canon characters interacting with someone new and stuff! _ I love Shikamaru. But man, you version of him is mean, lol. But actually I think he acted more like a dog with a bone, he picked up on something and had to go after it until he was satisfied. I wonder how much he picked up about Tomoki... who's in there all stocked up on supplies and making sure he's fed and all. I imagine that he LOOKS like he's going to go on a mission...

[Jaraiya]

Jiraiya.

[He sucked in a breath to call out, but thought better of it and continued on his way.]

Their friendship is so frustrating! *pulls hair*

[He felt deeply wretched for having lied to his friend.]

Good! He should! :[

lol! This chapter is nuts! Konoha ninjas are NUTS! Shucks, they're ALL NUTS!

[“Aw, come on, you got kidnapped last time. It’s my turn!”]

It's not as funny because they're doing it for a mission but it's still something I can TOTALLY hear being said in the anime. xDD
WritingRin chapter 1 . 7/2/2009
Hmm. You mentioned the first time that you replied to one of my reviews that you feel like these sequels aren't as well written as the first. I didn't agree when I read the first sequel, I thought that one was really good. :D But I can see in this one how it might could use a little... updating.

And I guess, to be helpful, I can point out some of the places... First of all, I thought that this story didn't start off as strong as the others. In the first story, you didn't start with him leaving, you started with him waiting, and THEN told about what happened before that. You kind of "started in the middle." And that made it more interesting from the start than this one. But if there was anything else that needed fixing, I've already forgotten what it was. XP

I thought it was kinda interesting when he ran into Sakura. And I thought about when he ran into Hinata in the last story. I like that with Sakura he had a real conversation, and Naruto was only mentioned. And it was good that he was mentioned, because Tomoki got to explain how he felt about Naruto.

[“You screwed him up too - the way you sent him on with a tainted victory because you didn’t give your best.”]

Esmeralda. I still laugh at that name. xD Anyway, this line is what I liked from that scene because it does say something about Tomoki as a person and about why it's not necessarily good not to go all out in a competition, even against a friend.

But I also liked this line from the hokage:

[“It does not upset me, however, to know that there are Hidden-Leaf ninja who would not cut their way through a friend merely to advance themselves"]

He's such a nice old man. xDD And he's right, it is nice to know that ninjas aren't all heartless.

This story seems kind of interesting too. When I read the summary I wasn't sure what to expect about this kidnapping thing. But after reading this I am somewhat intrigued! And since I know that Naruto will be going with him from that summary but he didn't run into Tomoki yet, you have me wondering how he's going to get involved. And that's always good, to leave us wondering something at the end of the chapter :D Oh, ahaha. And I'm leaving out the really conspicious question *smacks forehead* of "WHY are they after Tomoki?" That's going to be interesting to find out too. I think. We shall see!
baldragnarok16 chapter 12 . 6/3/2007
I'm so sorry J; I kept putting it off and off and off and dear god this ending was amazing! You SOMEHOW managed to keep both protagonists alive and added in some angst too! My angstiness must be rubbing off on you; I'm so sorry. But anyway, this was the most powerful ending you've written for a Tomoki saga story yet.

I must know; how do you add in religion to your stories and not let it completely envelop it? And yes, Edgar Allen Poeawesome. Edgar Allen Poeninjasawesome ladyacupuncturePWNSOME! Anyway, I'm wondering if you're going to end the Tomoki saga at this point or planning to continue it at some point in the future?

I'm gonna go read me some TBT now; c ya.

Matt
top chapter 12 . 5/23/2007
I really got into this story. I read the last three chapter’s one after the other. I understand, the story was inspired by Poe. I like Poe. However, some the words you chose to use such as “Plutonian” seemed a bit odd like they were forced into the story.

This would make a great end to a trilogy but, it would be great if there was a fourth.
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