|Reviews for The White Dog|
| Ganheim chapter 10 . 2/9/2007
Chapter 6: Not Again!
How could I let Otousama talk me into something like this?"
This is the only way I can assure my position as Otousama's successor.
The Clan Daimyos want the White Dogs in power, but Otousama and I are only Silvers.
But the Council will not let Otousama and our Clan lead them forever;
She was a hot-blooded young youkai, after all-far older than Inuyasha, but still very young for a inu-youkai.
[Grammar: should be “_an_ inu-youkai”.]
Otousama was counting on that, too;
But when Inuyasha's grown up, nobody could stand in his way-not even Okaasama.
This might be Otousama's idea, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy him.
Probably Sessho-no-baka, from what I've heard.
or a return bite or nose to the chin of the superior, acknowleging his dominance and expressing acceptance.
"A bite from a male to a female is also a demonstration of dominance, as well as a way of laying claim or expressing posession.
A gentle bite to the nose of a female is an expression of affection as well as posession,
Otousama told me about Wolves..."
"What are you doing out here all by your lonesome?"
[I believe ‘self’ is missing from that sentence.]
Possibly the only thing keeping Ginnezu from harming her was the knowlege that Inuyasha might be nearby.
"Gomen," Kagome said, blushing with a wince.
"Hai," Kagome said miserably, not looking up.
-Otousama made sure I was trained-"
"Think of it as a test, Ginnezu," Inuyasha told her, with a mocking smile. "See you around."
[Slightly off of Inuyasha’s usual personality, but extremely funny.]
Kagome rode her bicycle in silence, her thought sturned inward.
[Famous last lines.]
Chapter 7: White Fang
its shoulder laid open to bone from the blow.
[‘To _the_ bone’]
His stance and the way he moved reminded her of Kouga, the ookami-youkai.
Inuyasha froze wihere he was on the trail, large-eyed.
"I take it you're not...a very old youkai," Kagome was saying, slightly embarrassed by the question and trying to phrase it correctly.
[But why? Admitting one’s age is only considered shameful in surface-based Western cultures, age is honored in Eastern cultures, minus the occasional vain women, admittedly more common in Japan (several words meaning “beautiful” for people also mean “young”).]
And...maybe...so I could stop being alone..."
[Yeah, he’s going to say that out loud, even in front of somebody he knows. Or Kagome.]
ningen feared him, youkai scorned him.
Chapter 8: He's All Mine
[Obligated Japanese? You’ve already had Inuyasha call her a ‘bitch’ in English, the connotation of which matches the Japanese ‘kuso’ in this instance.]
These two yarou seem to get their thrills by..."
"Ahou..." Inuyasha grumbled under his breath.
Inuyasha growled, uknowingly echoing a sentiment she'd held a while back.
Been doing it long enough anyway," the hanyou grumbled
[Missing closing period.]
We need a leader to remind our enemies-both youkai and ningen-that our Clans are neither lenient, nor weak.
"How can you ask me to go to war against helpless ningen like that?"
"Weak as they are, Oyaji still respected humans!
"I think I've even heard of the kind of gold they use to make the amulets..."
[Isn’t silver more often used in the construction of magical talismans?]
Chapter 9: The Choice
"Leave me alone!" she hissed, not stopping. "Osuwari!"
Inuyasha let out a loud snarl at the crushing, invisible weight, uncharacteristically vicious for the situation. "K'so-Kagome-!"
Blood seeped from a deep wound in his side, soaking his kimono. "Aw...k'so...
She released Inuyasha to turn and face the girl, but when the hanyou began to struggle she grabbed him with both hands-
[Verb tense: turned.]
I thought certainly you could make do with the ookami-youkai, Kouga, or perhaps even that priest with the...roving hands."
His claws ripped into her back, tearing her artificial flesh, spilling her blackish blood and throwing her to the ground.
[This must have been written before the anime representation of the events at Mount Hakurei, because there in both manga and anime it is clearly shown that Kikyou doesn’t bleed.]
Chapter 10: A Short Break
"K'so. Must've been...bad, huh?"
"I thought I was the bastard."
since the White Dogs have been growing more rare with each passing millenium."
"Yup-black stripes on his face and legs when he's in Dog form.
[Uh...neither manga nor anime supports that. Actually, that’s contrary to canon. And though there are no appearances of Sesshoumaru’s mother’s dog form, her human form has simple purple stripes just like Sesshoumaru and the Taiyoukai you’ve named Seibunishi.]
"Hai..." For a moment, Shirokiba looked far away, almost wistful.
"I wish...sometimes...that Oyaji hadn't died," he confessed quietly, hesitantly.
he reached out and cuffed the hanyou on the back of the head, sending him catapaulting face-first into the well-just as effective as a sit.
They sat forming a circle near the base of the tree, one storyteller and two listeners.
[It’s a little hard to describe three points as a circle, normally that’s called a triangle.]
His strength was the strength of an avalanche, a storm-no creature, Dog or otherwise, could ever match him..."
[You repeat ‘strength’ twice in close proximity, rephrase or replace with a synonym. By the way, a certain ryuujin (dragon youkai) seemed to match him pretty well, inflicting a mortal wound and only getting sealed in time by a claw or fang back.]
"Are you really Inuyasha?" the wolf-dog asked disbelievingly, eyeing him. "You know-Inuyasha? Hanyou, 'bout this tall, bad temper, obsessed with the Shikon no Tama..."
[Great line. Points out a few Out-Of-Characterisms of Inuyasha, because early on he wouldn’t hesitate to take Kagome to go find more shards and later on he wouldn’t bother putting on the farce, he’d take her back to safety and wait for her to heal.]
K'so. Acting like an imperious little prince..."
There are a few out-of-characterisms and disturbing amount of completely unnecessary Japanese. Fortunately, the OOCisms aren't bad enough to compromise the plot, but be careful to remain true to the canon. If you have time, I'd be glad to hear from you and your opinion of my stories.
God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 5 . 2/8/2007
Chapter 1: The Cave
the townsfolk have grown accustomed to such bizarre ocurrances.
[Up until now, the story was doing well. Then came Japanese, when there is no reason to inject non-English. “Osuwari” translates perfectly clearly into the English “Sit”, the argument ‘but that’s what it is in the original’ doesn’t work or else you’d have to write the entire story in Japanese.]
Otousama was right-that must be him.
[Obligated Japanese? Just say no.]
"Inuyasha...are you...afraid of these rats?"
[Why _these_ rats? I would think her question would be a little more general.]
He didn't want to imagine what a maddened, foaming hanyou might do to Kagome and the others, so he forced himself not to think about it.
[Which would only make himself think about it. Just like the saying, ‘don’t think of pink elephants’. What do you do? Think of pink elephants. Except me, but I can’t see them as anything but gray.]
a a hundred more would swarm forth.
Chapter 2: Tunnel Trap
"Ofukuro..." he mumbled incoherently.
[Say ‘no’ to obligated Japanese.]
"All I could think was that it was all Sesshomaru's fault.
[Though I think it’s hugely out-of-character for Sesshoumaru to have thrown Inuyasha down an abandoned well, it’s obviously too late to change the story. Sesshoumaru’s always been a cold, with-holding character who hasn’t hesitated to show that he doesn’t apparently care about Inuyasha’s pain, though numerous examples (most pointedly when Inuyasha transforms against the demon moth and Sesshoumaru arrives to knock him out before he can hurt his friends) exist to indicate that the elder does in fact care.]
Get a grip, ahou,
[Using Japanese in an English-language fic is bad. The only excuses are when absolutely no translation exists, and that would only apply to certain words like ‘youkai’ and ‘hanyou’.]
Moments like these served as a stark reminder that Shippo was youkai, not ningen;
[I stated that ‘youkai’ was fine, but ‘ningen’ translates perfectly well as ‘human’ (in certain limited contexts, ‘mortal’). Where available, use the English.]
"Baka! You don't know what could be in this place!
[Again, trying to say the Japanese is obligated by the original isn’t acceptable. There’s nothing lost in the translation of her saying ‘idiot’ or ‘moron’ instead of Japanese.]
"Please, let me go! Osuwari!"
"It of me. I apologize for...accosting you,"
[What was that first sentence supposed to say? After re-reading it several times, I still have no idea.]
Chapter 3: Seeking the Self
In the dimness below, Kagome had seen his catlike pupils dilated wide as she rarely had before, catching every available photon of light.
[In every instance I’ve seen, in human, hanyou, and youkai form, his pupils were circular like a human’s.]
his tongue lolling out as his body overheated from his massive exhertion.
Damn you, Oyaji, there's still so much I don't know, and you died before you could teach me...!
[Just because the original was written in Japanese doesn’t mean that there needs to be Japanese in this English-language fanfic.]
His doglike hanyou appearance-teeth and talons and silver hair and piercing golden eyes-
[Talons are a subset of ‘claws’ that refer specifically to the narrow, wicked curved weapons on the feet of birds of prey, it isn’t used for the claws of canines or even felines.]
Ningen emotions and complexities and indecision confused him,
[‘Youkai’ doesn’t properly translate into English, but “Ningen” loses nothing in translation here by being turned into the English “Human”.]
Ofukuro didn't know enough about youkai-not what I need to know now.
[Nothing lost in translation by having him say ‘mother’.]
Shit-Oyaji, why did you have to die?
[And yet again, unnecessary Japanese.]
No! I can't be like him! I won't be like him! I'm a hanyou...and I kill...but I'm not a cruel, murdering bastard like him! I won't-but could I...? I can't...but I might...no, no, no no no!
[This sequence is good, but it lacks necessary transitions between certain points (such as after he admits that as a hanyou he does kill, and then after he swears that he isn’t like his brother).]
he felt new pains all across his body from his over-exhertion and his rough fall.
"Okaasan, are youkai bad?"
[Usage of Japanese is not obligatory. Don’t use it unnecessarily.]
Your chichiue is one-did you know that?
It would make Okaasan cry, he was sure of it.
If you have a good heart, it won't matter what you look like on the outside-youkai or ningen."
Even Okaasan does!
Ofukuro was right from the beginning.
"Thank you, Ofukuro..."
Good heart...Ofukuro...help me...
Tonight-this most hated of all nights-somthing might just eat him.
Distantly, the sound of pattering footseps could be heard, yards away from the shadow's position.
Chapter 4: Mother's Gift
"Would you quit having such a persecution complex?" Kagome retorted, exhasperated.
[Though this borders precariously on unnecessary Japanese, it does look slightly awkward for him to be saying ‘brother’ in English to Inuyasha, despite the fact that this is exactly what he says in the original language.]
"Trust me, kid, it's better to stay as you are. I've been treated like sh-shmuck-"
[Wow, he knows Yiddish! Still means about the same as what he started to say.]
"Fascinating!" said Ojiichan.
"Your otouto's a blabbermouth," Inuyasha reminded her in a whisper between bites of food.
"He goes on even worse than the jijii."
Just let any of those human yarou come try and take Kagome away from me now!
He knew little more about humans than he knew of youkai; did ningen even have instinct?
Inuyasha jumped at him defensively, apalled that he'd struck her;
-that any yarou can kill easily.
Kagome asked again, somewhat perturbed that he looked down on ningen weaknesses so.
His gaze turned to her in suprise, but she nudged him to turn him back to the mirror.
Maybe it was because with his youkai blood gone, he no longer felt the inexhorable instincts of predator and prey, hunter and hunted-
contact that he had never dared when his hands posessed deadly sharp claws.
"I promise, kid," Inuyasha sighed, exhasperated but amused.
A family of people who-aside from the old jijii's occasional spats of eccentricity-invited him in, fed him, and cared about him just the way he was, youkai or ningen.
[Two bouts of unnecessary Japanese. By the way, the first ‘jijii’ is also repetitive since it carries the connotation of ‘old’ with it.]
He smiled as he nodded off, sending a thought of deep gratitude heavenward-thanking Ofukuro for her precious gift, which she had given of herself.
Chapter 5: Silver Dog
and his body was once more full of restless energy and inexhorable instincts.
he wondered to himself with a soft snort.
[This appears that it’s supposed to be part of narrative description instead of connected to his thoughts, so un-italicizing them would help.]
-to the old jijii's creaky voice and Higurashi-san puttering in the kitchen;
[Obligated Japanese? Oh, and repetition.]
-quite different from the blunt human fingers he'd posessed the previous night-
[That is completely unnecessary Japanese. “Good Morning” does happen to exist in English, see?]
She leaned close to her daughter, whispering conspiratorily.
Look at all the things you've told me-he carries your backpack, he gives you a lift through rough territory, he saves your life repeatedly,
[Something that any mother would be concerned about. Of course, Rumiko Takahashi has an interesting sense of humor and pulls some strange stunts in keeping characters ignorant with no more explanation than ‘plot device’.]
She gave her mother a peck on the cheek and then hauled buns out of the kitchen.
[A highly Western act. A kiss (in Japanese culture) is generally reserved for spouses in private or between parents and their children up until approximately toddler age.]
"You-!" Abruptly insulted, Kagome glared at his back as he entered the wellhouse-wondering why in all the world she had ever thought anything nice about him.
[Spelling: though it could be considered a compound word, there needs to be a space in ‘well house’.]
She wore a silver-blue and white bodysuit with a longer, lighter blue tunic-robe over it-the front of which was not closed, displaying the bodysuit's rather flattering emphasis on her ample figure.
[Descriptive without going too far into it, a very good job of introducing the original character.]
"You must be one of Inuyasha-sama's little human friends. I'm Ginnezu!"
[Friends and not servants? Remember that the honorific suffix ‘-sama’ denotes somebody of extremely high position. Even now it’s only used for doctorates or members of the Emperor’s family.]
"I-I think she means Oyaji,"
"I think...Ofukuro said my father was the Daimyo of the White Clan, as well as the Western Lands..."
"Why aren't you bothering Sesshomaru with this?" Inuyasha growled, his lip twisting. "He's the eldest son, and the Taiyoukai of the West. I'm the second son, and a hanyou."
[An excellent point. Japanese culture is and (and was even more strongly) rigidly patriarchal, the eldest was in charge and there was no deviance from that. There were a few accusations of illegitimate extramarital relations, but the people who tried to come forward with evidence of such were killed. The point later about Sesshoumaru not being legitimate also has no credibility from the canon series. First of all, he’s pure-blood, and that’s even more important in Japanese culture than other Oriental or just Eastern cultures, that combined with his status as the first son would vault him to the position of legitimate heir to the title Taiyoukai.]
Seibunishi-sama felt that Sesshomaru-sama was far too irresponsible to become either the Great Daimyo of the Clans,
[If this was in fact the case, Seibunishi would have had Sesshoumaru quietly killed. If a father in Japan was disappointed with his son and didn’t want the son to have a part in his power or inheritance, then the son is ‘disposed of’, either by killing the son or exiling them to a distant land, but most chose to die to preserve their honor and prevent themselves from being cut off from their family.]
Gomen nasai, Inuyasha-sama!"
[Obligated Japanese? It’s perfectly easy to write in English: “I’m sorry.”]
He continued to laugh uproarously, finally sitting up to wipe his eyes.
[Spelling: uproariously. I know, it’s not fully intuitive to me either.]
-I just know Otousama will ask you to marry me!
[She doesn’t waste any time, despite the fact that she’s a complete stranger to him and he would have to agree to the marriage since his father isn’t alive to overrule his choice.]
"Those ningen are under my protection.
"Hai!" the female inu-youkai gulped.
[I would just say ‘obligated Japanese’, but there is absolutely no excuse for not just writing ‘yes’.]
"Damn Otousama and this fool plan of his...
Inuyasha flopped down beside the firepit in Kaede's hut with a huff of an annoyed sigh.
[Fire pit is generally separated by either a space or hyphen.]
He did not acknowlege her when he came in or when he sat down;
[Spelling: acknowledge. Close, though.]
Ginnezu's announcement had done more than bemuse him-
[Shouldn’t that say ‘amuse him’, since ‘bemuse’ carries a more contemplative connotation?]
His sadly lacking knowlege of his own youkai half stemmed from his mother's limited teachings,
Aside from what looks like primarily typos, I enjoy your story. If you have time, I'd love to see your review on one of my stories.
God bless and happy writing,
| coolbean chapter 32 . 1/18/2007
ok so maybe for some inspiration, i would tell that i have been reading this since i was 11. i am now 16. i am going hungry from lack of chapters, and i really realy love your story, so please please please update son!
| Kerri chapter 32 . 1/10/2007
Totally. Completely. Unacceptable. With all of the fluffy, stupid Inuyasha fic out there, you have the nerve to write this gem- This wonderful, enthralling story- You keep me up all night reading every last word... and then you DON'T FINISH IT! You leave it there after 32 chapters? On a terrible cliffhanger? You haven't posted to it in nearly a year. At least put a warning on it, jeez. I all but DEMAND that you finish this story. You have a responsibility to all of your readers who took the time to read and review. The readers who are all invested in your story. What are you thinking? Get writing! Like, today! God hates quitters.
| wildstraydog chapter 1 . 1/7/2007
i love this story and i have for years, hopfefully this story will be finished one day. (did i spell hopefully right?)
| Rogue Riley chapter 32 . 12/31/2006
PLEASE UPDATE SOON! T_T We have been waiting for at least a year now! Now 2, with this new New Year.. (Happy New Year!) And I really cant wait to see what happens to Kagome and Shirokiba! I always liked Shirokiba, ever since I read about him a few years ago. _
Good luck with your japanese! arigato gozaimasu!
| Abigale Lillian chapter 32 . 12/31/2006
I am saddened to the point of being sad that you haven't updated in such a long time. I am hopeful that you will update again, one day, so that I may read more of this amazing story. Thank you so much for the hours of reading that I wasted my Christmas vacation on.
| protestmyboredom chapter 32 . 12/10/2006
Please update! SOO GOOD! & great long chapters! I love the inu/kag romance! keep up the good work!
| manson chapter 1 . 12/7/2006
I check every day on this story and, snif! No update! Please, it's a wonderful fic so, update soon!
| Weavers chapter 32 . 11/29/2006
lovely. I look forward to more.
| Foenixfyre chapter 32 . 11/26/2006
What an amazing story. I've noted that it's been nearly two years since you last updated, but I'm going to hold on to my little hope that you'll some day return to finish "The White Dog." There's a distressing lack of truly good IY fanfiction out there, and it seems such a shame that this one might never be compelted!
| hispanicbitch chapter 32 . 11/25/2006
PLEASE UNDATE SOON, I *LOVE* YOUR STORY!
| SpitFire Kagome chapter 32 . 11/17/2006
I have been following your fic for some time now and am always disapointed when I come to the end of it. I do hope you choose to continue it soon so I may know what becomes of the story you have put such imaginative ideas into. And the grammer is so much better then some I have read where you can't tell what they are saying. Please continue with your story.
| Jester08 chapter 1 . 11/13/2006
Great story. Update please because I really want more! Keep up the good work. I'll be looking forward to more of this awesome tale! _
| ThunderSpeak chapter 1 . 10/29/2006
I love your sotry White Dog, but you seriously need to continue! I have ten million friends who have read your story and loved it, they just say that you take forever to update. Seriosly, please? Your fellow writer,