|Reviews for The Daughter of the Dead Man|
| Rudepanda chapter 18 . 8/8/2007
*gasp* I loved this fanfiction so much! It's so refreshing to have Jack as the bad guy (even if only at first) instead of the OC really liking them almost all the time. I'm glad you let Elizabeth have Jack when Will got the OC I haven't seen any Will/OC fics do that before.
When I started to read this I thought it was another Jack had a daughter and it takes place during DMC which I normally read from time to time and was surprised when it was revealed that she wasn't Jack's daughter! (I'm sure you can picture my face when I read the bit about Jack kissing her on the lips).
It's an brillient fiction with things I haven't seen done before and I love the character of Catherine with all her little quotes 'don't let your feet mould the sand let the sand mould your feet' I love this fiction and I hope you tackle AWE for a seuquel!
| AnnabelleLee13194 chapter 8 . 8/6/2007
mwahaha AMAZING story, I can't remeber if I have reveiwed before, but w/e.
| Nausicaa of the Spirits chapter 14 . 6/1/2007
Gah! I want to be married to Will. Update soon!
| wuerfer89 chapter 1 . 5/13/2007
| Italian Charms 587 chapter 18 . 12/27/2006
| Lava chapter 18 . 12/26/2006
Oh my gosh this was amazing! The first Pirates of the Caribbean fic I've ever read! I can't believe you only have six reviews, because this is soo awesome! I loved it! Catherine RULES! "I'll protect you Catherine!" "To hell you will!" Lol, I love that line...
| sorrytosayimgone chapter 18 . 12/25/2006
Nice twist to the second movie. Catherine's a great character to read.
| Copperstring chapter 4 . 12/1/2006
Another round of nitpicking seems to be in order. Ithink you mean wel with the French but you forget it's not the same as English, You translate too litteraly at times.
Well here we go again:
*C'est mon bateau, pas le bateau d'homme avec le grand chapeau.
*Comment saviez-vous ça?
*J'arrête ici, je ne continue pas. "apprendre" means "to learn"
*C'est l'isle de la mort, je ne fais pas une voyage ici.
*you should use "Mais Jack est ici." instead of "Mais ici est ou Jack est.", technically it might be right, but French don't speak like that.
*Je suis désolée, ...
Again, I hope you don't mind me doing this. Aside from the faulty French, I think your story is quite good, it has a decent plotline and a lot of potential.
| Copperstring chapter 3 . 12/1/2006
Not to be a nitpicker or something of the sort, but I've detected some errors in the french you used.
In order of appearance:
*n'est ce pas
*comment est le travail
*c'est travail, vous savez ( this is an irregular verb)
*"nous avons trouver" doesn't mean "we are searching", it means "we have found". You could use "nous cherchons un homme".
*I'm sorry to point this one out, but everything about "Est-ce que vous espies une homme autours ici?" is wrong. You should use "Avez-vous vu un homme dans le voisinage?"
*Quel homme?, quelle is used for feminine words.
*this next one contains some huge errors too, you should use "Il est allé en bateau le jour avant Samedi" which roughly means "He set out to sail the day before Saturday" (après means after)
*Savez-vous ou il allait?
I hope you don't find it too presumptuous of me to correct your French, but for me this faulty use of another language really tears down the quality of the story. If you want to know why some of the things were wrong you can always ask, and I'll be happy to explain.
| Saralonde chapter 14 . 11/19/2006
Although I usually don't like any Jack/Elizabeth or Will/OC pairing, I loved this story. You're a very talented writer and I'm impatiently waiting for the sequel.
| Miss Non chapter 4 . 11/7/2006
All right. You obviously have a very creative imagination, and more than two brain cells to rub together-which is much better than can be said of many Pirates fanfiction authors. However, there are certainly things that you could change in your story to make it better. I admit, I have only read to chapter 4 so far, but most of my criticisms are fairly general. I apologize in advance for harshness-but, of course, a thick skin is something an author needs to develop :).
First of all, your very setup screams "Mary Sue". Original female character who is fiesty, beautiful, can do things the canon characters can't do, and has a mysterious "tragic past" (which can be seen coming from a mile away-yes, she's nobility who left her wealthy life because she was unhappy with it, blah blah blah, she was probably the "black sheep" of the family, blah blah blah, Davy Jones is probably her father, blah blah blah) inserted into the story? Yawn, it's been done, and those of us who will leave reviews more substantial than "OMG itz grate continue lol lol lol johnny and orlandu r so hott update soon!11" are sick to death of it.
No one who truly values decent writing and good stories wants to read yet another "beautiful fiesty girl-disguised-as-boy with noble past who spouts witticisms and outshines everyone else" story; there are about a million of those on this site, and they tend to be garbage. You seem fairly creative; you can do better. Make your original character ORIGINAL; as of right now, she's really, really, not. Give "Kit" some flaws-real ones. Make her ugly, painfully shy, awkward, nervous, or something that you wouldn't want to be (or wish you weren't). Make her into a real character, someone readers can relate to. Right now she's more like a cartoon caricature of a person, someone you can look at, observe, and never really care about, than someone you can empathize with, understand, and give a damn about. By giving her realistic flaws (a hot temper/sharp tongue does NOT count as a flaw; it is a Mary Sue carrying card), you could make readers say "Oh, yeah, I can relate to that" when reading your story, rather than simply "Hmm, okay".
You also need to work on characterizing the characters who aren't yours. So far, your perception of Will pisses me off; he's not an idiot, and he's not even that naive anymore, compared to Curse of the Black Pearl. Having your Sue laugh at him, belittle him, and treat him like a moron just makes her seem like a little snot rather than a clever, likeable character. Will Turner knows misfortune; he's been a poor orphan apprentice all his life, which is -quite a lot- like being an "errand boy". He's not "vain", he's not a coxcomb; he really doesn't care about his clothes or his hat, he's just wearing his wedding outfit because he left Port Royal -on his wedding day-. He's not doing it to look cool. The crying scene was all right-I could see him breaking down-but not quite realistic; I doubt he would have done it in a public square, or been quite so pathetic about it.
I haven't gotten far enough to see your Jack, but if he's a drunk, womanizing rascal constantly flirting with your Sue, I might have to shoot something. In Dead Man's Chest particularly, the audience gets to see that, yes, there is MORE to Jack-he makes mistakes, he gets scared, he sometimes can't charm or talk his way out of situations.
You do have a head on your shoulders, I will give you that. Some of your philosophy in the "hat scene" was quite interesting; some of your descriptions are rather good. However, just be more careful about characterizing your character and others. Try and imagine the characters' voices in your head as you write; can you -really- hear them saying the things you write?
The last thing I noticed was some error in your French. I am still trying to decide whether or not you used an automatic online translator. I'm leaning towards "not", as there are some errors in word choice and grammar that a translator would not have made.
For example, “Je apprends ici. Je ne fais pas continuer.” does not mean "I stop here. I don't go on." It means "I learn here. I make not to continue."
I think you meant "arrete" and not "apprends". The sentence should look like this: "J'arrete ici. Je ne continue pas."
“Le beateau est mon, n’est pas cette homme avec le chapeau grand.” means "The boat is mine, it is not that man with the hat big."
It should say "Le bateau est mon; ce n'est pas le bateau d'homme avec le grand chapeau."
“Mon ami et moi, nous avons trouver pour une homme. Est-ce que vous espies une homme autours ici?” means "My friend and me, we have finding for a man. Have you spied a man about here?" You have also made "homme" feminine, which is incorrect.
The sentence should say "Mon ami et moi, nous sommes chercher un homme. Avez-vous vu un homme autors ici?"
Also, "aller" is conjugated with "etre" in the passe compose. I think I saw an "a alle" somewhere in there; it should be "est alle".
And "apres" means "after", not "before".
And the "vous" form of "savoir" is "savez", not...um...*checks* "saisez".
Just so you know, I'm not some random thinks-I-know-it-all faux Francophone; I am in fact an AP French student who has studied the language since middle school and plans to major in French in college. Believe me, after reading novels, attending plays, watching movies, and having the grammar banged into you for half a decade, you tend to learn things. :)
I'm not going to write a ten-page review correcting all of your French as I am not that pedantic (really); just be careful to double-check grammar and word meanings when writing in a foreign language. It can be tricky, which is why you should consider getting someone more proficient to check over it for you.
Again, I apologize if you think this review is harsh. It IS harsh, but that's because I can see you could be a good writer, if you pushed yourself to develop your characters a bit more. This story could be done, but you have to work to be original and make your character someone the reader can care about, and doesn't want to smack silly by the fourth chapter. If you are willing to try, this could be quite a good story, something really worth reading.
Questions, comments, or just want to whine to me about how "omg meen!11" I am (like every other fanbratty little twit on here), my e-mail address is on my profile. Good luck with your writing!
| StarPup chapter 11 . 11/5/2006
Very interesting story :P Update soon!