Reviews for All of Us
3starvingartist chapter 1 . 5/22/2008
Also, I'd like to add that as far as writing humor goes, perhaps this article could be of some help: w. /AuthorResources/ WritingFeature/
One Lucky Unicorn chapter 15 . 5/21/2008
Well, you asked for my five cents, so…

While Gotham Princess was harsh and rather opinionated in her review, she also made a lot of good points. I don’t object to the idea of having other animal heroes working alongside Krypto and co. myself - I think Catfan and CK do a great job of working them into their stories. But I’m going to be brutally honest with you here: a KTSD/JLU crossover just doesn’t do anything for me. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. Each show’s style is just too vastly different. I don’t mind cameos by Superman or whoever in KTSD fics, but this story didn’t catch my interest.

When you had the part with the Backstreet Boys song, well, that’s when my eyes glazed over. *gets down on her knees* Please, PLEASE don’t have songs in your fics! Don’t do song fics period. They’re awful and they smell funny. :P

Paragraphs: This is how you write a paragraph:

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Jerry asked as he tossed the ball up and down.

“Nothing much, Jer.” Alice replied.

Every time someone new speaks, you start a new sentence. The big blocks of text aren’t very attractive, and they confused me.

Spelling: Making sure you use correct spelling is very important.

“Mourning Krypto” Brisbane called out”

You mean, “Morning”. Mourning is when someone dies and you’re sad. I’d advise using a dictionary, or going to

Punctuation: Stuff like this “Yeah we’re fine Ryen, what are you doing out here?” - it’s a run-on sentence. It should be “Yeah, we’re fine, Ryen. What are you doing out here?” Every time you start a new sentence, the first letter should always be capitalized.

Other stuff that must end: “Can you believe we lost…again?” said Paran Dul, she had removed her metal gloves and was filing her nails. “Yeah, so…what do we do now?” Kragger asked “Mind if I make a suggestion?...Shut up!” Paran yelled(Qoute from a show called "101 Dalmatians: The series").

STOP! This is extremely annoying, and doesn’t look very professional. Plus, taking quotes from other shows and stuff isn’t especially creative. Listen to how people talk in real life. Life is not like a sitcom. If you’re going to take ideas from other shows, then at least alter them so they’re not 100% exactly like the original. And explain your little references at the END of your story.

The ‘Thirty minutes later’ thing has got to go. When I want to show time has passed in my fics, I say something like, “Several hours later”, “As the day went on”, etc.

Your story was too wordy for me. And frankly, a lot of the dialogue was… well, insipid and pointless, like the conversation in the first chapter about the Dog Stars’ breeds. Why did you need that in there? The Dog Stars know what breeds they are, and so do KTSD fans.

“What? There’s no way some superdogs and a cat are going to stop my plan, even if their owners help…now I just need someone willing to work with me” Aresia said to herself. At that moment there was an awkward silence, the only thing she heard was a cricket chirping somewhere nearby. “

I'm sorry, but if that was an attempt at humor, then it wasn’t really good. :(

Please don’t list voice actors in your story. That’s completely superfluous. Stuff like that is meant for a blog or something.

Try using more description - you know, set the scene, tell us what these characters look like.

Please read some nice novels (fiction and non, preferably both), newspapers, magazines, whatever. Doing so does help you improve your own writing in the long run (it did for me) - you get ideas on how to handle certain things, like dialogue, similies, etc. If you like, PM me and I’ll you send some links on how to improve your writing. If you apply yourself, then I’m sure you can become better with time.
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 15 . 4/4/2007
Nice ending here!

Keep the good writing.
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 14 . 3/27/2007
Good job here!

Keep the good writing.
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 13 . 3/23/2007
Nice stuff here!

Keep the good writing.
Shayera Hol Hawkgirl chapter 12 . 3/23/2007
This chapter is awesome. I can't wait for the next one. Please update soon.
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 11 . 3/17/2007
Thanks for the note! Very well done.

Keep the good writing.
Shayera Hol Hawkgirl chapter 10 . 2/21/2007
It was really funny. I enjoy reading all this chapter. I'll be looking for the next one. Keep the good writing. _
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 10 . 2/20/2007
Funny stuff here, especially with the birth scene.

Keep the good writing.
Shayera Hol Hawkgirl chapter 9 . 1/30/2007
I've really enjoy reading this chapeter. I will be looking for the next one. Keep on the good writing. _
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 9 . 1/29/2007
Good chapter. I liked the Fresh Prince's references a lot.

Keep the good writing.
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 8 . 1/17/2007
Good chapter. I liked a lot Courtney's scenes, and Star and Tsukuri joining the League.

Keep the good writing.
Shayera Hol Hawkgirl chapter 8 . 1/17/2007
I like this chapeter, too. _

Keep the good writing!
acosta perez jose ramiro chapter 7 . 1/7/2007
Very good chapter and nice fight scenes.

One suggestion; make Tsukuri and Sapphire to get a hold on Diana's lasso (maybe by some clever tricking) and, being unable to lie, the leaguers can confirm if they're really willing to reform.

Keep the good writing.
Gotham's Princess chapter 7 . 1/6/2007
Wow. That was painful to read. I don't usually say that, but it was. The scenes were cut. What's up with the whole (Thirty minues later thing). You do realize that's not a sign of good writing, don't you? Try and find a way, a good way, to show time has passed instead of what you've been using. And break of dialogue, it's just plain annoying and difficult to read with the way you've got it. And another thing: ADD DESCRIPTION. Life isn't all about dialogue, you know. People want to know what's going on around the main characters. Finally, come up with some original dialogue. Half the things you used were from other shows. It doesn't make your story good. It makes you as a writer sound like you have zero creativity. Plus, it dates you fic. Also, you're writing a story about superheros. Honey, superheroes aren't in sitcoms. Learn that.

Now, onto your plot. What crossed your mind when you wrote this? Krypto and JLU do not go together. They're different. One show was made for five-year-old and the other was written for adults. BIG DIFFERENCE. Plus, it makes no sense for there to be an animal cast based off the League. There's a reason Krypto is the star of the show. He's the only one anyone cares about. The other characters, like Ace, got continuity wiped. Gotta love the Crisis. Plus, there is no need for animal counterparts. There can be an excessive amount of sidkicks as is.

Also, why are the villains interested in the dogs? The dogs are beneath them. The Thanagarians nearly wiped out Earth. Now, they're going after the dogs. Oh...scary! (Not) Also, why is Aresia alive? She died at the end of 'Paradise Lost'.

I'm sorry, but this wasn't enjoyable to read at all.

GP
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